We're very excited. We're also having trouble deciding on a name. Haha. Caroline's name was so easy to decide on. It was almost instantaneous. Cameron and I both liked it, and it was done. Not so much with this sweet girl. It's taking us a bit longer this time. Haha.
Before we knew what we were having, Cameron and I talked about gender, and whether we would prefer having a girl or boy this time around. Obviously, we would have been happy to have any child, no matter the gender. But I think most parents at least think about what gender they would rather have, even if it really doesn't matter to them. For us, it was more, Can we handle having another girl? Will she remind us too much of Caroline? Would it be easier to have a boy since he'd be so different, or would it be harder because he's so different? I don't think we really knew the answers to that at all. I think we had to just take it as it came and deal with it then.
I'll be honest, I really wanted another girl. I've thought a lot about why that is, and it's purely selfish. I had my girl, but I didn't get to keep her. I didn't get to do any of the fun girly stuff with her. I didn't get to dress her up in cute little outfits, or put cute little headbands on her head or clips in her hair. I didn't get to decorate a nursery with fun cutesy bedding, or find cute little socks and shoes to go with her outfits.
So, I wanted another girl, so I could do all the stuff I didn't get to do with Caroline.
I had to really question myself, about whether I was trying to "replace" her with this new baby. I've decided that I'm not. But I am looking forward to doing the things I missed with Caroline. I think that's normal. I think when we lose someone we love, we always try to be better with the people we still have. We regret not spending more time with Grandma, so we make the effort to spend more time with our extended family. We didn't say, "I love you," enough to Dad, so we make sure we say it more to our spouse and kids. I think it's similar with me and this baby. I didn't get time with Caroline, so I'm looking forward to the time I get with Baby Girl.
I asked Cameron if he was ok having another girl when we found out. You should have seen his face. He had this sweet grin on his face and a light in his eyes. He just looked at me for a second, then said quietly, "Yeah. I'm glad it's a girl." I think in some ways he feels a bit like I do. He gets another chance to have a "Daddy's girl." I married a good man. I can't wait to see him be a daddy to the children we get to keep. He was great with Caroline, and I know he'll be great with Baby Girl.
I can't wait to meet this child, especially if it's God's will to let us keep her for a while. Cameron and I know nothing is guaranteed, even thought we have faith and hope that all will go well this time around. I'm so excited. God is so good.