I am officially 20 weeks pregnant.
At this point with Caroline, I was still digesting her diagnosis.
This baby, so far, has been perfect.
I feel quite differently this time around, obviously. I think I need to be honest for a bit, though. I know I always try to put a positive spin on things, and that I always try to keep my focus where it should be. I try to put aside my fears and anxiety and trust in God's sovereignty. I think sometimes I hide the darker parts of my life and struggle because I want to bring hope instead of fear. I don't really feel like I've done anything wrong, per se, or that I've intentionally hidden things. I just try not to think about them.
I've been meaning to write this post for a while now, but life's been busy and I just haven't done it. I'm kinda glad, now, because I have a little more time under my belt, and therefore a little better perspective.
All that to say...I am most definitely human. I had a freak out moment (or...a couple days) where I was really worried something was wrong. It wasn't major. I was just scared. I went in to my OB, and everything with Baby was fine, and I just had a common pregnancy condition that has since been treated. No big deal. But it reminded me of several things.
I am not in control.
This baby is God's, just as much as Caroline was.
God has to be number one.
I'll admit that I've started falling back on my old mindsets. This baby is mine. I'm in charge. I've also fallen victim to terrible falsities that are not of God. I have found myself thinking at times, "Surely God wouldn't take this baby too. He wouldn't ask that of me. I've already lost one, I don't deserve to lose another." If it's God's will for us to lose another, then we will. I don't think that's His plan this time, but we can never know for sure. Regardless, I can't let my happiness and joy be reliant on what God gives me. It has to be reliant on Him. Period. I have to find my satisfaction in Christ, and Him alone. I can find joy in His blessings, surely, but that has to be secondary, not primary.
I found that I was clinging too tightly to this baby. I know that what I'm feeling is normal, that there's nothing "wrong" with me for having some of these emotions and fears. But I still have to surrender myself to Christ. I think God understands my fears and anxiety. I think he pours down His grace on me daily to handle them. Some days, I feel more like a yo-yo. Up, down, up, down. It's not easy to surrender these things into God's all-powerful hands. I am still the frail, imperfect creature I have always been. I still have to rely on God to get me through.
I just wanted to share this, especially for anyone else that has been through a loss and is now going through another pregnancy. I am a basketcase some days. I hide it well. :) Actually, God usually snaps me out of it before I go into public. It's mostly when I'm by myself, thinking too much, when I turn into crazykins. But I just want everyone to know that I'm human. I'm not perfect, and I have my struggles. The good thing is, God is here to help me out. He brings me out of the crazy back into grace.
Anyway...thanks to those who have been praying for me and everything. It really does help. And thanks for reading this really random page of rambling thoughts. :)