tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41825115357527009152024-02-20T01:48:38.853-05:00Our Caroline GraceOur journey through anencephalyUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-43595356243960138652016-03-02T23:30:00.000-05:002016-03-02T23:30:23.242-05:00My suggestions for lossI haven't updated this blog in over two years. But recently I've felt led to add a few more things for people who continue to find this blog now. Things have changed a bit since I last posted, and I think I have some new found and hard won wisdom to share with God's grace. So here we go. <br />
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I've been amazed at how many times I've been asked for advice when someone has a friend or family member lose a baby. I'm honored and humbled by it, actually. It seems like God has given me a lot more opportunities lately to share our story. So I'm going to post some of the common questions and concerns I've heard lately, so that maybe this can help people who may be dealing with this. <br />
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One of the first questions people usually ask me is, "What can I do?"<br />
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Really, nothing. Nothing will make it better. Nothing will take away the hurt. Nothing will bring that baby back. But I know that's not helpful for a person to hear when they're trying to help a loved one. And there are some things you can do that might ease the ache a bit. <br />
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1. Be there in the way your loved one needs you. Grief is as individual as the person experiencing it, so be thoughtful and understanding. Take your cues from them. Some people want to be alone. Leave them alone for a little while, and let them know you're there for them when they're ready for you. Some people need people around to stave off the despair. Be present and available for them. Some people need to talk incessantly about the baby. Let them. Some people won't want to say anything about the baby. Let them. Some people will scream and cry and throw things. Let them. Some people will stare into space in silence. Let them. Do not ever tell them how they should grieve. Ever. Let them grieve how they need to, and let them know you're there for them when they need you, how they need you. <br />
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2. Don't be offended by moodiness or outbursts. It's practically uncontrollable. <br />
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3. If the baby isn't gone yet or is barely gone, help them make memories of the baby. Get kits for hand prints and foot prints. Take pictures. Get a lock of hair and a sweet receptacle for it. Anything you can think of, do it. There are tons of memorial things online. Just Google pregnancy and infant loss gifts or something and you'll be amazed. <br />
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4. Be the village. Be the person or people they can count on for meals, childcare, counseling, fun away from grief. Don't wait to be asked, just do what needs to be done unless they tell you not to. It's hard to ask for help or even know what you need help with when your heart has been ripped out. <br />
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5. Show compassion. Don't bring up things that will be painful, don't say things like, "well at least you don't have to...you can do...you can have more..." Sometimes silence is golden. Think before speaking. <br />
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6. Don't put a time line on grief. Don't expect people to go back to "normal." There is no longer the same normal. This will always be a part of them, even if the pain fades and time helps them to "move on," aka continue living with a hole in their heart. Yes, the pain fades, but it never goes away. Expect that. Expect random days to reduce them to tears, even months or years later. Don't pressure them to "move on."<br />
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7. Take your cues from them. This is so worth repeating. Be sensitive to their needs and take your cues from them. Back off when necessary. Push in close when necessary. Don't project your expectations onto them. <br />
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8. Pray for them. Love them. Show them you care. Ask God for wisdom and discernment. <br />
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I don't know if this is helpful at all, but it's something I thought I should at least attempt to post. I'll be posting at least one more post in the near future, so check back for that soon. God bless. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-80891068311042400752013-12-16T14:58:00.000-05:002013-12-16T14:58:05.421-05:00Two yearsAs I begin this post, I'm not really sure what to say. I find that my emotions are all jumbled up and there's not really one overarching theme to them. I feel the pain of loss, although not as acutely as I once did. I feel relief that the pain is no longer so bad, and a smidge of guilt for feeling like I've "moved on" (even though I know I shouldn't). I feel sorrow for all the stuff I'm missing with Caroline, especially now that I have little E to show me what I could have had with Caroline if she hadn't had anencephaly. I feel joy for having little E to temper the grief.<br />
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I knew when Caroline was born on December 15th that Christmas would never be the same for me again. And that's true. Every time I unpack our Christmas decorations, I pull out the ones we bought for Caroline that year. I put up her stocking and put her ornaments on the tree. I remember doing all of this that first year and how I felt at the time. It just makes Christmas a little bit bittersweet.<br />
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In some ways, I can't believe it's been two years since Caroline came and went in a moment. In other ways, I feel like I've lived an entire lifetime since then. But it has most definitely been two years. Two years of remembering her instead of holding her. Two years of grief and healing. Two years of what ifs. Two years of amazing support from other ladies who have gone through similar things. Two years of passing along that empathy to others who have come after me in their loss journey. Two years of "my grace is sufficient for you."<br />
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I think one of the hardest things for me this year is pictures. I only have the pictures I have from the one day we were able to hold her out in the world. There are no more opportunities to take pictures of her and with her. I have no pictures of her changing and growing. No pictures of her with her sister. No pictures of her having a birthday, eating cake for the first time. No pictures of her learning to walk or eat. And I think that I'm feeling this loss so greatly right now because E is about to turn one. She's ten and a half months old, and in January, she'll have her first birthday. This entire year, I've taken pictures of her daily. Literally. I have pictures of her every day since she was born. I've mentioned in previous posts why I do this, but I think subconsciously, I knew I could never have enough pictures of Caroline, so I have made an effort to take them of E. I just finished taking a bunch of pictures for Christmas. And it puts a knot in my chest to know that I will only ever have a set number of pictures of Caroline. It doesn't bother me all the time, but at moments like this, it hurts a little more than usual.<br />
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As E grows up and hits more developmental milestones, interacts with us more, and just grows in general, it sometimes hits me in my weak moments that I won't ever have a chance to see any of that with Caroline. <br />
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All in all, I feel like I've mostly "move on" in life, as much as is possible without forgetting Caroline. I don't feel the loss quite as frequently as I used to. I can go about my day to day life without being weighed down by grief. But there are definitely moments, especially on days like her birthday, where it kinda all comes crashing back. I don't cry as much as I used to. And I don't feel the same sharp, pricking pain in my heart. I always kinda have a catch in my heart when I think or talk about her, but it's not as hard as it used to be. <br />
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I just wish she was still here.<br />
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Even two years later, I still wish I could have her back. <br />
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I have to just take a deep breath, pray for strength and grace, and then go on. I think I'll probably do that for the rest of my life. It might happen less and less frequently as time goes on, but I think there will always be a part of me that just wishes for the chance to know her here on earth. There is a part of my heart that will always belong to her and shudder to think of her loss. That's just my reality. Sometimes, I really don't like that it's my reality. I wish it could just go away, that all the pain and loss and grief could just vanish from my life, that I'll wake up and it was all a bad dream. Not wishing Caroline away, but wishing the pain away. <br />
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Alas, that is not to be. And I wouldn't really wish it all away, because it has made me who I am now. I am a much more compassionate person now. I'm a much better mother, I think, than I would have been otherwise. I had a very, very sweet time with Jesus through that whole time, and it changed me. So although it hurts sometimes, and although I miss Caroline a lot, I'm glad to have walked the journey to this point. I'm glad I'm still walking. I'm glad God has allowed me to support others with empathy who have had to walk a similar journey. <br />
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So today...Happy Birthday in heaven, Caroline. We miss you here on earth and look forward to seeing you again someday. Thank you for being my first baby girl and teaching me so much in your short time with us. I love you forever.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1KSQSbA-FyUqHwxjeyHf6fQ1eAn5wMzshCtXSLIBAAwOAeC5cGvp4cO0eG8FQ5b5niqEex-wyAMSz2wjpVlaUcR7o41rSYLHjFwWBGTl8RM0HXcb4MPynydF4xM3sOmCHBHfiZXeqCqk/s1600/mommy+hands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1KSQSbA-FyUqHwxjeyHf6fQ1eAn5wMzshCtXSLIBAAwOAeC5cGvp4cO0eG8FQ5b5niqEex-wyAMSz2wjpVlaUcR7o41rSYLHjFwWBGTl8RM0HXcb4MPynydF4xM3sOmCHBHfiZXeqCqk/s320/mommy+hands.jpg" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-8609769535001611542013-10-15T17:35:00.001-04:002013-10-15T17:35:41.467-04:00Who are we remembering today?Once again, it's October 15th. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, stuck in the middle of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. It's also just a few days after the two year mark of getting Caroline's diagnosis. What a day. To any mamas reading this blog who have lost a child, my heart goes out to you. I hope you have felt God's comfort in your loss, and that you are healing with his grace.<br />
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Today, however, I'd like to get away from my own loss a little bit and share something that's been burdening my heart. This day is always interesting for me because of the significance of Caroline's loss. But it also brings into sharp relief another issue I've discussed before; abortion(see my post <a href="http://ourcarolinegrace.blogspot.com/2012/05/tough-subject.html">A Tough Subject</a> for a more detailed explanation of my views).<br />
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The reason I'm bringing this up is because, well...I feel like our culture is extremely hypocritical when it comes to the issue of abortion. I'd like to explain, but first, please know that I am not here to condemn anyone who may have chosen abortion for any particular reason. Cameron and I made a choice not to, but I can and do love all the ladies who have lost children, whether by abortion or natural causes. But I'd like to get this perspective out there because I feel so strongly about abortion. God loves you and can rebuild that which is broken. So please, don't read hate, judgment, or self-righteousness into this post. That is not my intent in any way. I want to share God's love in the midst of a difficult subject. So. Here we go.<br />
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This day, set aside for women (and men) everywhere to remember their lost children, makes a big deal about the lives lost during pregnancy or shortly after birth. It is for anyone who has lost a child to miscarriage, still birth, or any post-delivery complications or medical issues. So basically, from conception on. It is a time to mourn the loss of a treasured life, a blessed child. And no one seems to say, "you can only mourn if you made it to 25 weeks gestation." People will argue until they're blue in the face that abortion is ok until a certain gestational age because it's a "fetus," not a child, but this day is specifically to mourn those same "fetuses," but as lives lost. So is it a child or not? Is it ok to abort the child because it's not wanted, but also ok to mourn it it is wanted? It just confuses me. Either it's a life or it's not. Either we mourn it, or we don't. Either we think it's ok to kill it, or we don't. If we can mourn a miscarriage at 6 weeks, why do we not mourn an abortion at 6 weeks? If we can mourn a second trimester loss, why do we not mourn a second trimester abortion? Is the difference really just that one is wanted, and one is not? And if so, how is that ok?<br />
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Getting rid of people no one "wanted" was what Hitler did in Germany in the 1930's and 40's. They didn't just kill Jews, who they considered an inferior people, but also people with disabilities, mental handicaps, alternative lifestyles, and political dissention against the Nazi Party. Anyone who wasn't "perfect" or "useful" was considered fodder for mass murder. We look back on that and shudder, hoping nothing like that ever happens again. How many people were killed by Nazis? The figure most often given is around 11 million. That's about the population of New York City and Los Angeles combined. It's horrific.<br />
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Since Roe vs Wade in 1973, there have been approximately 55 million abortions performed in America. 55 MILLION. Five times the number of people killed in the Holocaust. The entire population of America is about 314 million people. So 55 million is about one sixth of our country's population. Just to give you an idea of the numbers we're talking about.<br />
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Are you really ok with that? Think hard. Use your brain and not your politically correct lens. If you strip all this information down to bare bones, what do you really think? Is it a child or not? Pick a side. Yes or no. If it is a child, then we can mourn for them today, no matter their gestational age, no matter how they were lost. If it's not a child, and can be killed without consequence, then how can we mourn? I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but truly, how can we be so doubleminded on this issue? <br />
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I know it may seem to some people that I am oversimplifying the issue. But am I really? Is it a child or not? If it is, can there really be ANY reason to end that life that would be justified? To tackle the sticky issues...what about pregnancy as a result of rape? Let's say, for the sake of argument, that a man rapes a woman. He already has a child, maybe a 2 year old. Is it ok to kill the rapist's two year old just because his dad is a rapist? I would hope you would say no. Then why is it ok to kill a rapist's child in utero? I'm not saying, in any way, that it would be easy to carry that child. I'm not saying it wouldn't be extremely painful for the mother. But should the child really be killed for the misdeeds of its father? <br />
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What about a mother whose health is at risk? If you are already a mother, would you risk your own health for your children? Would you give them a kidney if they needed it? Even if your own life could be lost during the operation, would you risk it? If you saw a runaway vehicle careening toward your child, would you give your life to save them? Then why would you not for a child in utero? Are they worth less just because you haven't met them yet?<br />
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What about people in situations like ours, where the child has a fatal defect and will never live past a few hours or days, if they survive delivery at all? They're going to die anyway, so is it ok to just end their life early? If you had a two year old diagnosed with a terminal illness, would you just go ahead an euthanize them since they're going to die anyway? No? Then why do it to a child in utero?<br />
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What about children who will be able to survive but will have serious health issues or disabilities? Down syndrome, physical disabilities, etc. Is it ok to terminate their lives because they won't have perfect lives? (Think: low quality of life) Should we go ahead and just get rid of all the kids with Down syndrome? Should we kill off all the people with physical abnormalities? If we wouldn't do it once a person is outside the womb, why would we do it when they're still inside the womb? Look at Nick Vujicic (<a href="http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/">http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/</a>) He was born with no arms or legs. And look what he's done with his life. He's an amazing motivational speaker who communicates God's love to millions of people. Can we really decide, when a child is still in utero, whether their life is worthwhile? No. We can't. So how can we end that life based on a judgment we shouldn't even be making?<br />
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I am not saying this is an easy choice. There are some very difficult decisions made every day when it comes to children in utero. We had to make the decision with Caroline. I will never regret our decision to let Caroline live until God took her home. I got an extra 10 weeks with my first baby girl, 10 weeks for God to teach me, comfort me, and grow me. Ten weeks to appreciate life, no matter how fleeting. Did I suffer? Absolutely. But life is full of suffering no matter which path you choose. At least I know I did everything I could to give Caroline the life she had a right to live. <br />
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After saying all of this, I know it may come across like I am a close-minded extremist in our liberal, relativistic culture. I hope not. I want to be seen as a compassionate, loving follower of Christ, who loves all people, including babies in utero. He died for all people. Not everyone chooses to love Him back, but He still loves them enough to die for them. Can God forgive abortion? Absolutely. He would love nothing more than for a mother to come to him broken hearted and repentant about this issue. To seek His grace. To receive the love that He has already lavished on us. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) I am not perfect. I have many failings of my own, and I have to rest in God's grace as much as anyone. I have to trust His love to overcome my shortcomings. And I have to trust His Spirit to communicate what I cannot. But I also need to be obedient to His commands, His Word, His will. He loves children from before the time they are conceived, through their time in the womb, and beyond through eternity. If you have any questions about God's love and forgiveness, please don't hesitate to email me (see the contact tab above). Please don't send me hatemail. I understand this is a touchy subject, and one on which many people will disagree with me. That's ok. I just wanted to put this viewpoint out there. May God be glorified by my imperfect ramblings. <br />
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Today, can we remember ALL the babies who have been lost? Including the 55 million who have been aborted? They are precious too. God bless you all.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-25780354715908878002013-08-27T13:51:00.001-04:002013-08-27T13:51:52.566-04:00BlahSo, it's been a while since I last posted. Having a baby around will do that to ya, I guess. It's hard enough finding time to get the laundry done, so blogging has found it's way to the bottom of the priority pile.<br />
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However.<br />
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This post is something I need to write for myself. It may not be useful to anyone else, but it will be to me. I hope.<br />
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I've been struggling a little bit lately. Probably not any more than any other new mom, but I have been struggling. I'll explain how, and maybe I'm crazy, but I hope not.<br />
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I'm tired. Like soul-deep, no amount of sleep will help, I need a break tired. Such is life with an infant. I think we all have those times as parents. It's just a season we have to push through in raising our children. We recently have been rather uprooted. We traveled for a full month, visiting family and such. Then we had to move several states away. Let's just say I got really sick of suitcases. And boxes. And pack and plays. And...well, you get the idea. It is incredibly frustrating to feel unsettled. Especially with a baby. Our poor child has not had a really consistent schedule in months. I know she'll survive, but I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable.<br />
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Because we just moved, I've had to sort through the mess the movers made of our stuff. I won't go into the headache of that, just suffice it to say they jacked some things up. Anyway, one thing I've had to do is sort through all our files. As I was sorting through stuff, I came across Caroline's death certificate and funeral stuff. Usually, I'm not overwhelmed by Caroline and what happened. But for some reason, seeing that stuff just hit me hard. I started crying and just lost it. I don't know why. I just was overwhelmed by emotion and needed a good cry, apparently. It was weird to have it just sneak up on me and hit me so hard. I suppose that my life will consist of many moments like this, where something will just hit me and make me miss her more than normal. I just wish I didn't have to deal with it.<br />
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On top of that, I've just been discouraged in general. I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing with E. Sometimes, I'm like, "Man, I am rockin' this mom thing!" Other days, I'm like, "Am I completely screwing up my kid?" I know every mom goes through that to some extent, but with the stress of moving, and the stress of having to move again in 6 months, and the stress of figuring out this parenting thing without my usual support (being in a new place kinda does that to you), it's just been really discouraging. I also feel like I'm drowning in baby care and not able to do much else. It's a struggle to get the dishes done, and the laundry. And heck, to even shower regularly. It's not always a time issue. Sometimes, I literally cannot get my bum off the couch during naptime to do anything but stare off into space because I'm just spent. If I'm emotionally spent, then I have no energy to do much of anything. And honestly, I'm emotionally spent a lot these days. Learning to be a mom is exhausting.<br />
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Sometimes, I feel like people don't understand that. I feel like I have expectations to be superwoman. If I have a spare 5 minutes, I feel like I should be doing something productive. But sometimes, I just...can't. I can't. I know I should be getting stuff done, but it's just physically impossible for me to do it. It's extremely frustrating to see the pile of laundry waiting to be folded, and to just know it's not gonna get done today. Again. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does. I hate feeling the pressure to get it done, or else it proves I'm not handling life well right now. Even if that's not true. I hate feeling like I'm not enough, even though I know I am.<br />
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So basically, I'm trying to remember what I learned with Caroline. Don't sweat the small stuff. God is in control. Children are a precious gift that we get to borrow from God for a while. There is a season for everything, and nothing here on earth is permanent. And God loves me. <br />
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I think that's the biggest one I need to remember right now. God loves me. Jesus died so I could be reconciled to Him, so I can ask him to help me not feel like a failure in my parenting skills. I want to feel better than I do right now. He's the only one that can help me get there.<br />
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Just so everyone knows, I'm not going to have a breakdown any time soon. Don't worry about me too much. I'm just having a rough few days, but God is with me and will get me through it. Hopefully this post will help someone and not just be me venting. Haha. Even if that's all it is, well...ok. I'm cool with that. I needed to say it. God bless you all.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-73113326738494993312013-05-15T14:41:00.002-04:002013-05-15T14:41:21.641-04:00It never endsE is now three and a half months old. She is thriving, she is healthy, she is wonderful. I am so grateful for her.<br />
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However.<br />
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She did not replace Caroline in my heart. She never will. The pain of losing Caroline has faded slightly, but it will never go away completely this side of Heaven.<br />
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I wanted to write this post, because, well, I think people need to know this side of pregnancy and infant loss. I've had a few people kind of act like Everleigh has replaced Caroline. That Caroline is no longer important because I have a living daughter to take care of now. No one has come out and said that so explicitly, but I know it's gong through their heads. And to a certain extent, I can understand why they think that way. For most people, Caroline is a nonentity. They had no emotional connection to her outside of her being our daughter. No one ever got to know her outside my womb. <br />
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Everleigh is here on earth with us, and people can know her and get connected to her. It's only reasonable to assume that she would take precedence in my heart because she's <i>here</i>. But that's not true. <br />
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I still attend a loss group (kind of a group therapy type group) through the perinatal hospice organization that Cameron and I dealt with. Some people have asked why I still go. Well...because I like to. It makes me feel better. It helps me with my loss, while I can simultaneously help others through their losses. Several of us have since had other babies, and having that first baby after a loss (what some call rainbow babies) is a unique experience. Those ladies understand all my mixed emotions. They understand why I still fear losing Everleigh more than the normal mother would fear. They understand that watching the new baby hit milestones is a reminder that the lost baby will never hit them. They understand that on the birthday or angel day of that lost baby, it will always be hard. They understand how bittersweet mother's day is because one of your babies isn't with you here on earth. They get all the weirdness that comes with life after loss.<br />
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And it is weird. If you haven't been there, it doesn't really make sense. That's ok. I wish I didn't know what it was like. I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel that way. But, I have lost, so I do feel.<br />
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For the rest of my life, when people ask how many kids I have, I'll have to think before I answer. Should I include Caroline and explain, or should I just include my living children for simplicity's sake? December 15th and Christmas will never be the same for me. Mother's day and Father's day will always be awkward. October, when we got her diagnosis, will always be a little strange. Watching Everleigh grow up will be a reminder that Caroline didn't get to. Family pictures will always be missing a person. There will always be a prick on my heart about all these things. So you see, the loss never ends. The pain is dulled, and I can rejoice in what I do have (and believe me, I do), but it never ends.<br />
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I take a picture of E every day. Partly because her grandmother (my mom) insists on it because we live so far away and she wants to see her grandbaby in any way possible. Haha. But there's another reason. I want to have a picture of her every day in case it's her last. It's hard for me to admit this, because it stems from fear, and I hate to be afraid. To me, it smacks of a lack of trust in God, and I hate feeling that way. But I can't help it. I can manage it, and I can make sure it doesn't overwhelm me and cause me to truly lose faith in God's goodness, but I can't help that I have a knee-jerk fearful reaction because of the loss I experienced. I take a picture every day, and I take lots of videos, because I want to have those memories in case something happens. I take videos of her just talking or playing on her activity mat. I take pictures of her sleeping, yawning, smiling, frowning. I have videos of everything I can. Because if, God forbid, she has to leave me before I want her to, I want to have those mementos of her to cherish. I never want to forget those precious baby coos and giggles. I want to know exactly what shade of blue her eyes are. I want to see how her mouth falls open when she's fast asleep. Loss does this to you.<br />
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I don't take these things for granted, my friends. I treasure them for the blessings they are. <br />
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When I used to write that Caroline changed my life, I meant it. It wasn't temporary. She still exists to me. Today marks 17 months since we lost her. I'll always love and treasure the one I lost as much as the ones I got to keep. It will look different, but it will be true just the same. I don't cling to the grief, or the pain, or the 2 yr old inside screaming, "It's not fair!" I cling to the precious blessing she was and is. I'm not overwhelmed by sadness and loss, but I can't forget one of my children. You see, she never ends, so my loss won't either. Not this side of Heaven.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-29398229915085298572013-03-19T16:06:00.001-04:002013-03-19T16:06:43.463-04:00Rejoicing in MotherhoodIt's been a few more weeks, and I have learned so much. So. Much.<br />
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I picked up E's birth certificate this past week. Talk about a reality check. I think it's still hard for me to realize, some days, that Everleigh is here to stay. I mean, I know there is no guarantee for the future, but we have to live with the assumption that she will be with us for a while. That is just so crazy sometimes. Having Caroline, then having to give her up immediately, was my "normal." So having E, and getting to take her home and take care of her, watch her grow, know that someday she's going to walk and talk and go to school and all those other things that are "normal" for everyone else...it just blows my mind.<br />
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E is, so far, a pretty mild-mannered baby. She mostly only cries when she's hungry or needs something else. She's not a really fussy baby. She has her days, as do we all, but for the most part she's pretty mellow. She'll be seven weeks old tomorrow and is already sleeping pretty well at night (not all night, mind you, but not 2 or 3 hours at a time either). She's eating well, digesting well, developing well. It's all just such a blessing. And at the same time, so surreal.<br />
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I catch myself sometimes, thinking about how our lives are different now. I told Everleigh yesterday that I hope she finds Jesus early in life, that He loves her more than I ever could, which is a lot. Then I told her that she had to know Jesus in order to meet her sister, so she really needs to love Jesus. What an enormous responsibility the Lord has given us, to teach our sweet daughter about His love and salvation.<br />
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It kind of hit me then. Everleigh will never know her sister here on earth, but she will in Heaven. I knew that. It just hit home yesterday. It made me a little sad, that they won't ever get to do sister-y things together. That they won't even get to meet. But I'm grateful that Caroline is there waiting for us. I hope and pray Everleigh will love the Lord and accept his salvation. I never want to be eternally separated from my babies, and I don't want them to be eternally separated from God (and selfishly, me).<br />
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There are days where I am overwhelmed by motherhood. Not overwhelmed in the physical/emotional sense (although that happens occasionally as well), but overwhelmed in a sense of awe and glory. I feel incredibly blessed to be a mother of a baby that gets to stay for a while. It's teaching me a lot about myself, just as much as it's teaching me about E and parenthood. <br />
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It's a time for rejoicing. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-33018237229749618982013-02-19T16:51:00.003-05:002013-02-19T16:51:59.757-05:00Welcome Precious BlessingFor all of you who have been waiting for little E's birth story, I'm finally getting around to writing it all down. Having newborn in the house has made it a little more difficult to get everything done. :)<br />
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So...here we go.<br />
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I had Braxton Hicks contractions for a few months before Everleigh was born. Apparently that made me ready for labor a lot more easily than normal. By the time I went into the hospital to have her, I was 7cm dilated and 90% effaced, without having regular, intense labor contractions. I had contractions for about 5 days straight that were relatively frequent and somewhat uncomfortable, but nothing like labor contractions. My OB told me it was "the good Lord being nice to you." I laughed and agreed.<br />
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I went to my OB on Tuesday January 29th, and was 6cm, 50% effaced. In other words, I was halfway to where I needed to be to deliver. But I wasn't really in labor yet. My OB told me I could come in the next morning to be induced if I hadn't gone into labor naturally, because I'd be 39 weeks, and I was practically already ready anyway. So I came in at about 7:45am the next morning, January 30th. They got me all checked in and ready, and I was getting even closer to delivering, without really being in active labor. <br />
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My OB checked me at 9:00am, and decided that if she broke my water, I'd be delivering within hours. So she broke my water, and said she'd be close by for when things started happening.<br />
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An hour later, I was pushing, and at 10:34am, Everleigh was born. I managed to deliver her naturally with no pain meds and no major issues. She was 8lbs, 15oz, 20.5 inches long. She was prefect. She came out and started crying almost immediately, voicing her opinion already. She is beautiful, and we feel inordinately blessed to have her here with us.<br />
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I can tell you, I was a bundle of mixed emotions going into the hospital that morning. It was a Wednesday morning, and we got there just before 8am. I went in with Caroline on a Wednesday morning around 8am. Obviously the outcome was very different, but it was a little crazy to be having that kind of deja vu feeling. God granted me a lot of peace throughout the whole labor and delivery process. I was nowhere near as nervous as I thought I'd be, but I also felt a little detached from the whole experience, almost like I was watching myself go through it instead of actually going through it. I think that might have been God's grace to me so that I wouldn't freak out too much.<br />
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My mom and sister were able to come in for E's birth, and that was special. My mom is just such a great coach during labor. I don't know what I'd do without her. My hubby was also great. He was there with me every step of the way and handled everything really well. Seeing his face when he got to hold her for the first time was priceless. After losing Caroline, holding our baby girl took on a whole new meaning for us. It's always a miracle to watch a birth happen, and it's awe inspiring to hold that precious new life the first time, but for us, it was even more exciting because of what we lost previously. We took so many pictures. Haha.<br />
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Tomorrow, E will be 3 weeks old. She has already become such an integral part of our lives that I can't imagine life without her. We are exhausted and still getting used to having her home, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. She is so precious to us.<br />
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And without further ado, here are some pictures. Thanks for sharing this part of our journey with us.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFOOcpYPPNOUxRw2PZMPloEkQKw-ZKpPNqYcvaY0FmPC2hMFIqkH75QjGmSp1w2UGRcYREf-_jeVnb3lJ_xglNMrYUbKfwY02O_3KW84pHeLJWxQexZ5zz1qeqykuTKvM9V9pfOGhlcnE/s320/DSC_5596.jpg" width="320" /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-61343715744166518172013-01-24T19:04:00.000-05:002013-01-24T19:04:52.274-05:00Almost thereI'm 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. Holy cow.<br />
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I'm getting so close to meeting our little miracle. I can't wait. And yet I'm terrified. Haha.<br />
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The more I think about labor and delivery, the more I remember what it was like with Caroline. That was such a defining day in my life. For a few months after she was born, I replayed that day over and over again. It was my only day with her outside the womb here on earth. And there was the "normal" parent awe of seeing your child born. So that day was very meaningful to me, for obvious reasons. After a few months, though, it was no longer on the forefront of my mind. It was one of those ephemeral memories that you pull out on occasion to reminisce. <br />
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Now that I'm drawing close to that day with this baby, it's making me remember again. I had a relatively easy labor and birth with Caroline. I have no reason to believe Everleigh will be any different, except for the fact that she'll be full term and bigger and all that jazz. It makes me slightly nervous to think about it all. I mentioned in my last post the concurrent emotions of fear/anxiety and excitement. Definitely still have all that going on. I am terrified and excited beyond belief at the same time. I can't wait to meet Everleigh, but I am incredibly nervous. <br />
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I had a check up with my OB this morning. She told me I had progressed a bit, and that when I go into labor, it will probably be pretty quick. That is both awesome and nerve wrecking. Haha. Since my mom is flying in from out of town, I would really like for her to be here when Everleigh is born. If she's not already here when I go into labor, she might not make it in time. Bah. I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control, and Ev will come when she's supposed to. If Mom is here, then awesome for me. If not, then I'll manage with God's help. :) While my mom is an awesome labor coach that would be an enormous help, I've come to realize that this time around, I think I want her here for moral/emotional support as much as for the help during labor. <br />
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I don't know that I can properly put into words what the end of this pregnancy is like for me. It's all new to me, since I didn't get this far with Caroline, and her birth was slightly abnormal because of her condition. The waiting for Caroline was hard in its way, because we knew it would be the end. The waiting for Everleigh is hard in a different way. I can't wait to meet her, but I'm afraid to at the same time. I mentioned a lot of the reasons for that in my last post, so I won't go into that too much this time. Suffice it to say that I am just a big ball of conflicting emotions. <br />
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In all of this, though, I can tell you I feel a sense of the supernatural. This is all one big amazing miracle to me. Every fear is underlaid with the awe that I am not in control, that this is bigger than me. Every feeling of excitement is laced with the incredulity that God has seen fit to bless us with another precious girl. Every anxiety is undercut by the knowledge that God is the one in control, not me, so I can't screw up my kid enough to thwart God's plan for her life. This is not just another labor, delivery, and all that comes after, to me. It's a miracle that goes beyond me, Cameron, and Everleigh. It's another way to point toward God and the Son He sent to Earth. <br />
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So, as the hormones rage, the feelings march through, and the truth fights to be acknowledged, I am just doing my best to remember the greater things. God is in control, He's got it all figured out, and I'm just along for the ride to give Him the glory. As imperfectly as I'm doing that. Pretty soon, I'll have my precious daughter in my arms and can rejoice in His goodness all the more. I can't wait to see the face of this little miracle. Thanks for listening to my rambling. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-74652557912204908402013-01-16T12:01:00.000-05:002013-01-16T12:01:23.482-05:00Full term musingsHoly cow, I'm considered full term today. 37 weeks.<br />
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Everleigh could come any day now. For the next 4-5 weeks. I'm going to lose my mind.<br />
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I am having a lot of unexpected mixed emotions. I think I've been so focused on keeping her in for a while because of the craziness earlier in my pregnancy, that now I'm like, wait, what happened? I can have her now? Relinquishing that "Don't come yet." vibe is proving a little difficult. At the same time, I can't wait for her to get here. Cameron can't either. He wants her now. Yesterday would be preferred. Haha. He wants "his turn" as he puts it. I've gotten to hold her for nine months, and now he wants to be able to. It's rather endearing, actually, to see how excited he is. I can't wait to see his face when he holds her the first time.<br />
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And now...here comes honesty time. Yeehaw.<br />
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I am scared out of my mind sometimes. For many reasons. I have the semi-irrational fear that I'm going to lose Everleigh at the last minute (cord accident, labor distress, etc). I know it's unlikely, and I'm not overwhelmed by it, but the nagging doubt is there nonetheless. I'm also scared of bringing her home and screwing up royally as a mom. Also semi-irrational. Now that I'm full term, I guess it's all just kicking in. I've never had a chance to take care of a newborn. I delivered a child, held her for a few hours, and then had to let her go. This time...there's no letting go, in the physical sense. I will be "stuck" with Everleigh until adulthood. I am so incredibly grateful for that, but it scares me too. Haha. I think that's probably pretty normal. What new mom isn't a little nervous about her abilities? I have a feeling I'll be praying a lot in the near future. Prayers like, "Lord, please don't let me screw up this poor child you've blessed me with." :)<br />
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This is also bringing back memories of my delivery with Caroline. While I've birthed a child before, it was a weird situation with weird results. It was not a normal delivery/birth experience, even though I went through a relatively normal labor/delivery. She was early, and therefore small. We didn't have to worry about APGAR scores or billirubin counts or jaundice or breathing support or anything like that. We knew she wouldn't make it before she got here, and because she was already with Jesus when she came out, it was really unnecessary to do much of anything besides clean her off and hold her for a while. Now, I have a healthy baby coming. I'm going to have to wonder if everything will be ok when she comes out. She'll be bigger, she'll be more developed. Labor and delivery will be different because I'm full term instead of at the beginning of my third trimester. I almost feel like I'm going into this as a first timer because it's the first time things will be "normal." It's making me a little nervous, even though I generally know what to expect.<br />
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I'm also ridiculously emotional. I can thank the lovely pregnancy hormones for some of it, but not all of it. It's kinda made me sad to think that we can't have Caroline there to meet her sister. I was extremely tempted to buy a little outfit for Everleigh that said "Little Sister." I decided not to, partially because I know that it would raise some questions when out in public that I wouldn't necessarily want to answer, but I might go back and get it anyway, and just use it at home. She'll always be a little sister, even though she'll be the "oldest" at home. It's such a weird dynamic, and it's so hard to deal with sometimes. <br />
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I have my hospital bag packed, and one of the things I'm taking with me is my Caroline Bunny. If Caroline can't be there in person, then she'll have a surrogate in her bunny. I know for some people that might sound silly, but it is what it is. There will be amazing joy when we get to meet Everleigh face to face. But there will be a hole there, too. Our missing daughter. The one who's gone on to our eternal home, so she can't be here in our temporal one to meet her sister. It won't be the main focus of Everleigh's birthday, but it will be a part of it. There's no getting around it. Hopefully my bunny can help me feel a little better about it all. <br />
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I know having a baby is an emotional thing regardless your history. It's a miracle, and it should be emotional. If you feel nothing when you're expecting, delivering, and raising a child, well...I don't know how that's possible. I also know that because of Caroline, we're probably slightly more emotional in some ways. I've done my best this whole pregnancy to place my fears and anxieties at the feet of Jesus. It hasn't been easy to do. I've failed on many occasions, and allowed the feelings to rule. But I know God is sovereign and has everything under control, even when I don't behave as if I believe it. I'm having to lean on that now, as I face a delivery that is coming sooner than later. <br />
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I miss Caroline these days. I wish she was here to meet her sister. I feel a little cheated sometimes, that my family will never be "whole" here on earth. There will always be someone missing. But...it's the path we've been given to walk. It's the path Christ has allowed us to walk to give Him glory in our suffering. So I want to keep glorifying Him in my response, even though I'm imperfect and frail.<br />
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And while I do have a lot of fears and anxieties, I am ecstatically happy to be so close to meeting Everleigh. We feel enormously blessed to be having her. I can't wait to see what she looks like. I can't wait to meet her and hold her. I can't wait to bring her home and make her a part of our lives. I can't wait to show her off to all the people who have showered us with prayers, encouragement, gifts, and love. This precious miracle is going to be the recipient of more love and rejoicing than she will ever know. I'm so grateful to have so many people who love us and support us. <br />
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So...after saying all that. I am so happy to be full term. I can't believe it's almost time to meet Everleigh, finally. I can't wait, even though I'm a little nervous. To God be the Glory, great things He has done. Thank you Lord for our precious blessing. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-61965919312375524072013-01-01T12:42:00.000-05:002013-01-01T12:42:33.474-05:00Happy New Year!It's officially 2013. <br />
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We've been through our first full year without Caroline. We're starting the year when we'll get to meet Everleigh in person. Quite an eventful year coming up.<br />
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I will never forget Caroline. I've said that many times before. And it's true. I have no desire to forget her. But I will say that as time goes by, it's getting easier to face the day to day without her. This Christmas and New Year season has been a little difficult because we were remembering last year at this time, when we were dealing with Caroline's immediate loss. She was born on the 15th of December, her memorial service was on December 29, and her funeral was on January 7. So...there's been a lot of remembering. <br />
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I also had to kinda deal with the feelings of "unfairness" that we weren't getting to buy her Christmas presents, and we weren't getting to take Christmas pictures of her. Last year, I signed her name on our Christmas cards, and I didn't this year. There were a lot of times where I really missed her in that regard. It wasn't an overwhelming pain or anything, just a lot of twinges of "what might have been." <br />
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It did, in a lot of ways, make me look forward to next Christmas, when, God willing, Everleigh will be here with us to celebrate. It's made me look forward to this year in general, because we'll have most of the year with her. If she comes on or around her due date, she'll be born barely over a month into 2013. I can't wait.<br />
<br />If you're reading this post and have recently lost a child, hang in there. I know that it's difficult, especially at first, to look forward to the New Year when you've lost someone precious. Just know that you're not alone. There are many of us who have been where you are. I'm always willing to hear from you (see the contact tab at the top of the blog). Last year, New Year's was hard for us. Our loss was very recent, and we were just ready to be done with 2011 and move on to 2012. And we weren't really sure what 2012 would entail. Now, looking back, it was a pretty good year. We definitely had some challenging times, and there were times that I wish would have been easier, but ultimately, everything worked out like it was supposed to. I am so grateful God has brought us through our first year without Caroline, and is now allowing us to look forward to another special blessing. <br />
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I hope that you all have a wonderful year this year. Even if it's a difficult year, just know that God is still there, and there are people who can support you through it. God bless you all in 2013!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-70544206770513316862012-12-15T10:35:00.000-05:002012-12-15T10:35:00.602-05:00Happy Birthday Caroline!Today is Caroline's birthday. It's been one year since we both celebrated her coming and mourned her loss.<br />
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One year.<br />
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It's a little hard to believe it's been a year. In some ways, it feels much, much longer. In others, it feels like just yesterday. Cameron and I have decided that sometimes it doesn't even feel real. It was such an emotionally intense moment, and then...we just had to let go. As we prepare for Christmas, it's been quite bittersweet. I put up her stocking, and I put her ornaments on the tree. I can remember how I felt last year at this time, trying to find ways to celebrate Caroline's life while preparing to lose her.<br />
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So far, I haven't completely lost it. There is still time. Haha. But I am taking comfort in the fact that the same Jesus that walked with me through this day last year is still walking with me as I remember it this year. God is a good and gracious God, giving me peace and strength on a day that has the potential to break me down.<br />
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I expect a few tears. I expect to have some melancholy moments. But even through the remembered grief and new bittersweet memories, I can feel God's presence and comfort. He is still here, holding me up as I walk through this first birthday. <br />
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I am blessed with some amazing family and friends that have walked this path with me. I can never say thank you enough to them, or to God for blessing me with them.<br />
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Now, during this season of loss, I can also thank God for the blessing of Everleigh. While she can't and won't replace Caroline, we feel so blessed to have her to look forward to this Christmas season. I am so grateful that God saw fit to bless us with her even as we mourn Caroline. He has turned our weeping into laughter and our wailing to dancing. Praise the Lord, from whom all blessings flow. He gave us our blessing of Caroline, and now He has given us our blessing of Everleigh.<br />
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I made a little collage of pictures from Caroline's birthday last year. What a precious memory we have in our photos. I am so grateful we were able to take so many, and to have them to remember her by. I hope you enjoy remembering with us today.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-72158568567662784672012-11-28T10:21:00.001-05:002012-11-28T10:21:13.178-05:0030 weeksI made it to 30 weeks today. One step closer to Everleigh coming in a timeframe that is healthy. Hopefully that means full term. :)<br />
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I am more pregnant now than I ever have been. I'm starting to experience new things that I didn't with Caroline. My belly is bigger than when Caroline was born. Everleigh is bigger than Caroline was when she was born. I'm starting to get more of those pesky aches and pains that accompany late pregnancy. I have started getting Braxton Hicks contractions. Man, those freaked me out BAD the first day. Now that I know what they are and have been reassured by my doctor that nothing is happening to progress me toward labor, I can handle them. I mostly feel them in the morning, and then I don't get them as much later in the day. Thank the Lord. <br />
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At my most recent check up, my doctor did another preterm labor test called a fetal fibronectin test. It came back negative, which means I should be good for another couple weeks. :)<br />
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I'll admit that this part of my pregnancy has kinda thrown me for a bit of a loop. I didn't realize how much I missed out on with Caroline's pregnancy. Some of it is not entirely pleasant, like the pain and BH contractions, but some of it is cool. Everleigh moves in an entirely different way than Caroline ever did, and it's fun to watch her do an impression of that scene from the movie Alien. My belly does weird things. Haha. <br />
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My belly is bigger, I have to wear more maternity clothes. Even just the thought that we will bring this one home, God willing, is a totally new thing. Preparing for her arrival is completely different than preparing for Caroline's. We're having to get a nursery together. We have to get a car seat and stroller. I'm excitedly looking at clothes, knowing she'll get to wear them all, not just one thing. <br />
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Cameron and I were talking the other day, and it's funny how similar we've been feeling about certain things. One is bringing Everleigh home. I think it hit us both that we actually get to bring her home. It was kind of an ephemeral awareness before, like we knew it logically, but it hadn't quite become real to us. Everleigh's birthday isn't the end of her time with us, like it was for Caroline. It's really just the beginning. With Caroline, our lives didn't really change on the day to day level of sleepless nights, impositions on our schedules, having to plan around carrying an infant around with us. We were heart broken and our lives were changed in a deeper way, but our day to day activities pretty much remained the same. With Everleigh, that's not going to happen. She'll keep us up at night, and she'll infringe on our social schedule, and she'll need to be fed constantly. She's going to change our lives. And we're going to love every minute of it. And that part just recently hit us, I think. <br />
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I'm not naive enough to think that there will not be days that are ridiculously difficult. I know I'll get annoyed or short tempered or cranky. I know I'll complain about certain things. So when I say we'll love every minute of it, I mean we're going to love it because it means we have a baby girl that is a huge blessing. I don't mean I'm going to literally love sleeping for three hours a night. Or that I'm going to love not taking a shower whenever I want. But overall, I am going to be so stinking grateful for Everleigh that it will temper the inconveniences. <br />
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I have a lot of friends with babies right now. Born any time from June to last week. It makes me so much more anxious to hold my precious girl. I can't wait to meet her outside her little home right now. Ok, let me rephrase. I can wait until she's full term because then she'll be healthy. But I am so excited to see her. Haha. I am rejoicing with every week that passes that God is continuing to knit her together in my womb to get her to where she needs to be to meet us. Each week is a blessing and a victory. One step closer to a healthy delivery. <br />
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So...30 weeks. Ten more weeks to go. I just might make it this time. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-18671072910735593212012-11-26T13:54:00.000-05:002012-11-26T13:54:12.349-05:00Something special...Caroline's birthday is coming up soon, on December 15th. A friend of Cameron's from high school has been incredibly sweet to us throughout our journey with Caroline, and she's doing something else now, too. It's pretty special. Read Jennifer's words below (she does amazing work with her company called <a href="http://www.fadelessmemories.com/">Fadeless Memories</a>, and even has <a href="http://www.fadelessmemories.com/#!stories">Caroline's story</a> on her site) and see why...<br />
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From Jennifer:<br />
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I never met Caroline Grace, but she changed my life in a way that I can't explain. I haven't seen Cameron for over 12 years when we attended high school together, and I've only talked to Emily via the internet, yet they have encouraged me to love and trust the Lord in ways that are only caused by experiencing extreme amounts of pain. Like many of you, I stalked their blogs, I prayed for her healing as they chronicled their journey with anencephaly, and I wept on December 15th when she was born into Jesus' arms. She's caused me to hug my children tighter, and hold my plans for them a little looser, trusting that the Lord knows what He's doing.<br />
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When she left this world, I was honored to be able to use a product my business makes to preserve her memory by carving one of her <a href="http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/">NILMDTS</a> photographs into acrylic. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjedOK304caMG6rrEcLdbqCwtikcCLD_weYI5VeUF-fsltL0U_ULuaY25HFiAe_Y3BMJ0kj4BomGSLZsIyVqPmuwtSxOdv2uUYCzIp4KYnzgzOl7yb99zXe29o254yjC38EE4SfObm2hrE/s1600/IMG_3897.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjedOK304caMG6rrEcLdbqCwtikcCLD_weYI5VeUF-fsltL0U_ULuaY25HFiAe_Y3BMJ0kj4BomGSLZsIyVqPmuwtSxOdv2uUYCzIp4KYnzgzOl7yb99zXe29o254yjC38EE4SfObm2hrE/s320/IMG_3897.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Since then, I've been looking for a way to serve other families that have lost their precious little ones before they left the hospital. I was overwhelmed by how many families had experienced such a loss and I knew that I didn't have enough resources to minister to everyone. However, I've come to realize that doing something is better than nothing and I need to comfort as many people as I can.<br />
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<a href="http://fadelessmemories.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/dsc_01841.jpg"><img alt="" height="300" src="http://fadelessmemories.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/dsc_01841.jpg?w=214
" title="DSC_0184" width="214" /></a><br />
<br />
In honor of her first birthday, if you would like to receive a free suncatcher/Christmas ornament with your baby's photograph carved into it, I would love to send one to you. Please email me 2-3 images of your baby along with your address to jroberson at fadelessmemories dot com before December 15th.<br />
<br />
Notes:<br />
<ul><li>Christmas ornaments are approximately 2.5 x 3.5 inches and tend to be the perfect size for an image of one face (think traditional hospital photograph). Multiple family members will not be distinguishable and normally need to be carved in a larger size to look good. I request multiple images so that I can choose the one that will carve the most beautifully but if you only have one then I totally understand.</li>
<li>Help with shipping is appreciated and allows me to send more ornaments out to more families. However, it is entirely optional.</li>
<li>For now I must limit this offer to the residents of the United States.</li>
<li>I will make as many ornaments as I can, and will establish a waiting list if needed.</li>
</ul>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-83643422924310012682012-11-14T10:50:00.001-05:002012-11-14T10:50:43.900-05:0028 WeeksI'm 28 weeks pregnant today.<br />
<br />
28 weeks. That has huge significance for several reasons.<br />
<br />
I was 28 weeks and 4 days pregnant when Caroline decided to come. So in 4 days, I will be in uncharted pregnancy territory for me. Should be interesting. :)<br />
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For Everleigh, we've reached a point together where she could be born now and survive, and have few, if any, health and developmental issues. Obviously, I'd rather have her stay inside and bake a bit more, but at least I have the comfort that she could be born now and be ok. Huge sigh of relief.<br />
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Emotionally, this week is going to be interesting. Having had Caroline at 28 weeks means reliving her birth a little bit. Tomorrow will be 11 months since her birthday. I'm doing ok so far, but I know I have the potential to break down at any time. God is good.<br />
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I'll be completely honest. I have been scared out of my mind this entire pregnancy. I did not want to lose Everleigh, and I've not been as graciously accepting of things this time around. I've been hospitalized twice, and each time I have wanted to fuss at God for allowing me to have to go through a difficult pregnancy after the craziness that was Caroline's time with us. I'm beginning to think he's done it to remind me that He's in control and that I can't rely too much on Everleigh to bring me peace and joy after the loss of Caroline. <br />
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This little girl is already so loved. I can't wait to meet her outside her little cocoon. I'm so thankful that God has allowed me this time with her, to carry her like I did Caroline, but with the difference of knowing she'll get to come home with us (barring any craziness, and if it's God's will).<br />
<br />
So...I will continue to pray for peace of mind, deliverance from the crazy anxiety, and continued health for my precious girl. And hopefully she and God will hold off till February to have her make her appearance. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-60774894549401920082012-10-25T14:59:00.000-04:002012-10-25T14:59:38.230-04:00DramaI feel like a drama queen these days. <br />
<br />
I don't like being a drama queen. I would much rather be back in the shadows than in the spot light, but if I'm going to be in the spotlight, I'd at least like it to be for a good reason.<br />
<br />
My spotlight recently has been because I've been having issues with this pregnancy. As I write this, I've been home from an approximately 36 hour stay in the hospital for about four hours. <br />
<br />
Apparently my body is rebelling against pregnancy. Sigh.<br />
<br />
I have had 3 infections in about 6 weeks; the first was minor, treated, and all was well. I thought. The second came about two weeks later, and was not fine. I was hospitalized for that one, but was treated and sent home, all was well again. I thought.<br />
<br />
Then at just before midnight on Tuesday, I went back up to the hospital and was admitted again. For another infection. This time it was causing abdominal irritation, which in turn was causing me to start to dilate. Fortunately I never got beyond 1 cm, so I am now home, on bed rest. I won't be traveling or leaving the house much, but if that's what it takes to keep Everleigh healthy in the womb till she's ready to be born, then I'm ok with that.<br />
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I must tell you honestly, though, that I am finding it very difficult to accept all this with grace. I have been rather frustrated and anxious for the last few days. I've been falling into a why-me-pity-party. I know it's understandable under the circumstances, but it's not the truth of the matter. I want an easy pregnancy. Badly. But apparently God has other plans in mind for me. I don't really understand it, and I don't particularly care for it, but it is what it is. God obviously has a reason for it, whether I know it or like it or not. <br />
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I can guess all day why He's letting this happen. I might be putting too much of my hope in having a healthy child. I might be putting too much faith in doctors and nurses instead of my Jesus (not that I won't or think it's wrong to consult doctors, but God is the Great Physician who gives them their knowledge). I might be falling into an "I deserve this child" mindset, which I railed against in a previous post. (See <a href="http://ourcarolinegrace.blogspot.com/2012/07/deserving.html">Deserving</a>) I've probably been doing all those things. But I don't know if that's the "why" behind this pregnancy and its difficulties. It doesn't really matter why, I guess. It's just the human response when bad things happen to us. <br />
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However. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 I'm new. The human, sinful side of me is dead. <br />
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"For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin...In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14 For sin shall not be your master, because you are , 11-not under law, but under grace." Romans 6:6-7, 11-14. I am dead to sin, and it no longer rules me. I am alive in Christ through His grace. To keep on sinning intentionally is to slap him the face.<br />
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So, while I may feel justified in my feelings, I am not. I don't mean to say that Christ doesn't understand my frustration or anxiety. I think he understands just fine. But I don't think I can remain there. I have to take those feelings of injustice, fear, and anxiety and leave them with Jesus. I need to be grateful for His mercy, since Everleigh is still healthy and where she should be. I have amazing friends and family taking care of me. I am very blessed.<br />
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In the end it will all be worth it. God is bigger than all my problems. He's got this one too.<br />
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On that note, a picture from my last sonogram of Everleigh. Hang in there, Baby Girl! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigVp-xNkrRBAZx_xC1fFeWcoIa5_vU0-WBOlxixH9Ki6DaYXGO9Y8Ycxc4UmkPKRzyOxEzlEFLrrlhpRhUB8jWwF9DIPfUa7xx7AE0uwFkEZzx4rzdPXmnapXjLMTmNTZbjdqADKDEyYc/s320/24+weeks3.jpg" width="320" /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-26305623571605284942012-10-15T15:23:00.002-04:002012-10-15T15:26:26.129-04:00Remembrance Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi05SGk0ibjcEuIDIFl1jyh1yjEQ5JeCa49dVd8haYQnVQbLFSvKebBqawiIy6RfrwdI-DWfeKNQQGTUegws5Hlx4LkQVKguij7GmI-eFquu_8K_mDVDiqPkWiWkKnPFvDUfU35hbZhv0U/s1600/IMG_2636.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi05SGk0ibjcEuIDIFl1jyh1yjEQ5JeCa49dVd8haYQnVQbLFSvKebBqawiIy6RfrwdI-DWfeKNQQGTUegws5Hlx4LkQVKguij7GmI-eFquu_8K_mDVDiqPkWiWkKnPFvDUfU35hbZhv0U/s320/IMG_2636.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
For those of you who don't know, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I think for those of us who have lost a child, it doesn't really take a day set aside for us to remember our babies. However, it is nice to have a day set aside for others to remember with us.<br />
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I remember a lot these days because I'm carrying Everleigh. I can't help but compare and contrast my two pregnancies, to note differences in their little personalities, even in utero. <br />
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It's been just over a year since we got Caroline's diagnosis, exactly 10 months since she was born, two months till her first birthday. We've gotten through almost all our "firsts" without her.<br />
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I look at today as a way to remember the good that has come from Caroline's time here with us. I've made new friends, grown closer to old friends, drawn closer to my family and my husband, closer to God. I've learned so much about what being a mom is, how to be a better one. I've learned to appreciate things I didn't before. I've learned not to take things for granted. I learned a lot about God's grace and mercy, His love and patience, His healing and kindness. <br />
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Caroline was a blessing. I would have loved to have been able to keep her for a while, but I am so grateful for her regardless. She was, and is, such a precious gift, one I will never forget, and one that I will treasure always. The pain of her loss is lessened by time, but there will always be an ache in my heart as I wait to see her again in Heaven. <br />
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I am so grateful for Caroline. I am so grateful for all my friends and family who supported me while I was carrying her, and continue to support me beyond. I am so grateful for a God who is so amazing and so loving that He would give me Caroline, then walk me through each day with her. I am truly blessed. I am truly loved. <br />
<br />
So today, sweet Caroline, know that I love you, I miss you, and I can't wait to see you again in Heaven. You are such a precious girl. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-81783516864291553352012-10-12T10:32:00.003-04:002012-10-12T10:32:55.304-04:00Name and ShowersWell, I guess I should let you all know that we decided on a name...<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii2J4Ajf0BrABglho4y-BJR0wxCXuK44LGVC47l03Yuhz790DNMTfVO_hyphenhyphenM5Sug-HxBYRyYjQykRgyiJ6yZfAtgyzkblth_q7lY0rgFUescggdU7kCDNJ9q_nRfVulHmBf9alLnlvP0F0/s1600/IMG_3712.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii2J4Ajf0BrABglho4y-BJR0wxCXuK44LGVC47l03Yuhz790DNMTfVO_hyphenhyphenM5Sug-HxBYRyYjQykRgyiJ6yZfAtgyzkblth_q7lY0rgFUescggdU7kCDNJ9q_nRfVulHmBf9alLnlvP0F0/s320/IMG_3712.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>I love it. And now I have something concrete to call Baby Girl. :)<br />
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Then, I got this in the mail yesterday.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL7DMEL47_ULc9AwYUWOAmbPwCkocd3vL9jL2p9DXVZJhmHFxodLddJtZHQq-OCfZyvx2kgMBys5QOv92Srw_t6OSFEIColA2m2XbXMzQgNNrSSA1HcULplR5fM8dk9zvHMZnjZxRLwUg/s1600/shower+surprise.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL7DMEL47_ULc9AwYUWOAmbPwCkocd3vL9jL2p9DXVZJhmHFxodLddJtZHQq-OCfZyvx2kgMBys5QOv92Srw_t6OSFEIColA2m2XbXMzQgNNrSSA1HcULplR5fM8dk9zvHMZnjZxRLwUg/s320/shower+surprise.JPG" width="257" /></a></div><br />
I have a group of friends, who happen to be slightly long distance, that have been sneaking around planning me a baby shower for a couple months now. I'm making a trip there in November to visit, and they ran with the opportunity. Somehow no one spilled the beans until they sent me this little thing to tell me about it. My hubby was even in on it and managed not to say anything. For those of you who know my hubby personally, that's a big deal. He's terrible about keeping secrets from me. He's just too honest, and if it's a good surprise like this, he is just too eager to share the fun. So he did good. Haha. I had no clue. <br />
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Looking back, I realize that this certain group of friends kinda...stopped talking to me about baby stuff. They were all so worried they would let the cat out of the bag that they didn't trust themselves to talk to me. Haha. I didn't really notice too much before they sent me the little announcement. Afterward, I looked back and realized. It's kinda funny. Cameron and I have had a couple conversations lately where I would talk about these friends and voice some opinions or questions, and he was having to think on his feet not to give the plan away. I really don't know how he did it. Haha.<br />
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I say all this basically to show how wonderful my friends (and hubby) are. They really wanted to show how much they cared about me and have spent a lot of time and energy to make it happen. I feel incredibly blessed in my friendships. I can't wait till I am there with them.<br />
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What's truly amazing is that they're not the only ones making me feel special. My local group of friends is already working on a shower for me here, too. And while I will appreciate every gift I receive, that's not why I'm so excited for these showers. I have found myself fighting tears a few times because I just feel loved. I'm sure part of it is because I didn't get to have a shower with Caroline, so having showers for this baby just seems more special. And it's more, too. People aren't just offering to throw me a shower. They're not just getting a group of people together to give me stuff for Everleigh. They're telling me I'm important to them, that they care about me, and that they're rejoicing with me in this pregnancy. <br />
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I have truly been blessed in my friendships. I know I've said that before, but it's true. I feel very humbled by the amount of care I have received at the hands of my friends. I only hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me. <br />
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So...I just had to share. My heart was bursting and there's only so much Cameron can listen to. Haha. He heard all this already last night, and I didn't want to make him sit through it again. He would have, because he's awesome, but I didn't want to do that to him. Haha. Gushy girly stuff can be overwhelming for even the most wonderful man.<br />
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So thank you to all my amazing friends, near and far. You have blessed my heart enormously, and I am immensely grateful for your friendship. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-84896106019678019722012-10-03T14:11:00.002-04:002012-10-03T14:11:29.162-04:00Baby SomersaultsToday I am 22 weeks pregnant. <br />
<br />
In two more weeks, Baby Girl's chances of surviving outside the womb are 50%. For me, since we lost Caroline at 28 weeks, this is a huge deal for me. Do you know how much my anxiety will go down once I know that this baby could very well survive, even if she comes early? Granted, I know that the longer she stays in the oven, the better her chances, and the better her overall health will be, but I'll take what I can get. Haha. I won't feel quite so panicked every time I feel a twinge or something.<br />
<br />
Speaking of twinges...last week I had to spend a couple days in the hospital because I developed a pretty bad bladder/kidney infection (called pyelonephritis). I woke up one morning with excruciating pain on one side, and while I didn't think it was a problem with baby, it was still scary. They got me on meds and fluids and I'm fine now, but it just made me even more grateful that Baby is ok and continuing to grow and develop. She was still active the whole time I was in the hospital, which was so reassuring. I'm not sure I've taken one day of this pregnancy for granted. I'm just so grateful God's looking out for both of us.<br />
<br />
I think if I make it past 28 weeks this time (which my doctors all believe I will), it's going to be a little crazy for me. It'll be a big milestone to pass. That will be an all new experience for me too...making it further into my third trimester and getting huge and all that. It'll be quite an adventure. Haha.<br />
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I cannot even describe to you how much I want this baby. It's a constant challenge to make sure she's not becoming TOO important to me (i.e. more important than God), but oh my word I want her. I think God understands. And I'm hoping His will is to let me keep this one. If not...well, he'll get me through it, but I pray all the time that I'll get to keep this one.<br />
<br />
This little girl is an active little thing. I sometimes wonder if she's practicing mixed martial arts, soccer, and ballet all at the same time. Sometimes I can feel her doing little somersaults. Literally. She like flips around a couple times. Such a crazy feeling, and one I adore. I joke around with Cameron all the time that she's beating me up on the inside. <br />
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While I do sometimes want a little break from her occasionally painful jabs (especially when she hits the same spot over and over again), I cannot tell you how much I love feeling her. With Caroline, feeling her move inside me was really the only time I got with her. It was my only real connection to my first daughter. That was the only time I got to know she was alive. It was always a reminder that time was short, and someday, I would lose that little life growing inside me. <br />
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It's different with this baby. Every kick and punch and roll is a reminder that she's healthy, growing enough so that she can join us on the outside, where we can cuddle her, love on her, and treasure her. I have days where I have tears in my eyes as I feel her moving around in there, reminding me of her presence. It's helping me bond with her. It's helping me love her already. Cameron's even been able to feel her a couple times. I am so grateful for those little karate chops and roundhouse kicks.<br />
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I think we're finally getting close to picking a name. Woohoo! For some reason it's been harder to come up with one this time around. We've gone back and forth on several names for a while now, but I think we're getting close. I can't wait to be able to call this little girl by name. It makes her seem so much more real. So much more a part of our lives already. I can't wait.<br />
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So...I am rejoicing that I have made it this far, by God's grace, and I'm leaning on the Lord to keep me going even further. And I will continue to love those baby somersaults.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-62872339802381582142012-09-22T14:58:00.000-04:002012-09-22T14:58:41.885-04:00So I'm Human...I am officially 20 weeks pregnant.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVfe1D2owdGqYB0SRzDNmZhpXsWr2d_-8iAx0IpRIJa4dy1Qdkl8v0m-FLGV9RdLffsmdsIB1EeuYfdl-EVHeYoDMeY2aOVTI-94H2kDOPyNqhxfnfFSoUyK1YxIPd8XU7zSvQ-XOEFBg/s1600/20+weeks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVfe1D2owdGqYB0SRzDNmZhpXsWr2d_-8iAx0IpRIJa4dy1Qdkl8v0m-FLGV9RdLffsmdsIB1EeuYfdl-EVHeYoDMeY2aOVTI-94H2kDOPyNqhxfnfFSoUyK1YxIPd8XU7zSvQ-XOEFBg/s320/20+weeks.jpg" width="225" /></a></div><br />
At this point with Caroline, I was still digesting her diagnosis.<br />
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This baby, so far, has been perfect.<br />
<br />
I feel quite differently this time around, obviously. I think I need to be honest for a bit, though. I know I always try to put a positive spin on things, and that I always try to keep my focus where it should be. I try to put aside my fears and anxiety and trust in God's sovereignty. I think sometimes I hide the darker parts of my life and struggle because I want to bring hope instead of fear. I don't really feel like I've done anything wrong, per se, or that I've intentionally hidden things. I just try not to think about them. <br />
<br />
I've been meaning to write this post for a while now, but life's been busy and I just haven't done it. I'm kinda glad, now, because I have a little more time under my belt, and therefore a little better perspective.<br />
<br />
All that to say...I am most definitely human. I had a freak out moment (or...a couple days) where I was really worried something was wrong. It wasn't major. I was just scared. I went in to my OB, and everything with Baby was fine, and I just had a common pregnancy condition that has since been treated. No big deal. But it reminded me of several things.<br />
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I am not in control.<br />
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This baby is God's, just as much as Caroline was.<br />
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God has to be number one.<br />
<br />
I'll admit that I've started falling back on my old mindsets. This baby is mine. I'm in charge. I've also fallen victim to terrible falsities that are not of God. I have found myself thinking at times, "Surely God wouldn't take this baby too. He wouldn't ask that of me. I've already lost one, I don't deserve to lose another." If it's God's will for us to lose another, then we will. I don't think that's His plan this time, but we can never know for sure. Regardless, I can't let my happiness and joy be reliant on what God gives me. It has to be reliant on Him. Period. I have to find my satisfaction in Christ, and Him alone. I can find joy in His blessings, surely, but that has to be secondary, not primary.<br />
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I found that I was clinging too tightly to this baby. I know that what I'm feeling is normal, that there's nothing "wrong" with me for having some of these emotions and fears. But I still have to surrender myself to Christ. I think God understands my fears and anxiety. I think he pours down His grace on me daily to handle them. Some days, I feel more like a yo-yo. Up, down, up, down. It's not easy to surrender these things into God's all-powerful hands. I am still the frail, imperfect creature I have always been. I still have to rely on God to get me through. <br />
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I just wanted to share this, especially for anyone else that has been through a loss and is now going through another pregnancy. I am a basketcase some days. I hide it well. :) Actually, God usually snaps me out of it before I go into public. It's mostly when I'm by myself, thinking too much, when I turn into crazykins. But I just want everyone to know that I'm human. I'm not perfect, and I have my struggles. The good thing is, God is here to help me out. He brings me out of the crazy back into grace. <br />
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Anyway...thanks to those who have been praying for me and everything. It really does help. And thanks for reading this really random page of rambling thoughts. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-90502432753606043682012-08-24T21:05:00.000-04:002012-08-24T21:05:36.367-04:00BlessingsWell, I had my 16 week check up with my specialist this week. All is well with Baby, and we got to find out what we're having. :)<br />
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We're very excited. We're also having trouble deciding on a name. Haha. Caroline's name was so easy to decide on. It was almost instantaneous. Cameron and I both liked it, and it was done. Not so much with this sweet girl. It's taking us a bit longer this time. Haha.<br />
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Before we knew what we were having, Cameron and I talked about gender, and whether we would prefer having a girl or boy this time around. Obviously, we would have been happy to have any child, no matter the gender. But I think most parents at least think about what gender they would rather have, even if it really doesn't matter to them. For us, it was more, Can we handle having another girl? Will she remind us too much of Caroline? Would it be easier to have a boy since he'd be so different, or would it be harder because he's so different? I don't think we really knew the answers to that at all. I think we had to just take it as it came and deal with it then.<br />
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I'll be honest, I really wanted another girl. I've thought a lot about why that is, and it's purely selfish. I had my girl, but I didn't get to keep her. I didn't get to do any of the fun girly stuff with her. I didn't get to dress her up in cute little outfits, or put cute little headbands on her head or clips in her hair. I didn't get to decorate a nursery with fun cutesy bedding, or find cute little socks and shoes to go with her outfits.<br />
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So, I wanted another girl, so I could do all the stuff I didn't get to do with Caroline.<br />
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I had to really question myself, about whether I was trying to "replace" her with this new baby. I've decided that I'm not. But I am looking forward to doing the things I missed with Caroline. I think that's normal. I think when we lose someone we love, we always try to be better with the people we still have. We regret not spending more time with Grandma, so we make the effort to spend more time with our extended family. We didn't say, "I love you," enough to Dad, so we make sure we say it more to our spouse and kids. I think it's similar with me and this baby. I didn't get time with Caroline, so I'm looking forward to the time I get with Baby Girl. <br />
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I asked Cameron if he was ok having another girl when we found out. You should have seen his face. He had this sweet grin on his face and a light in his eyes. He just looked at me for a second, then said quietly, "Yeah. I'm glad it's a girl." I think in some ways he feels a bit like I do. He gets another chance to have a "Daddy's girl." I married a good man. I can't wait to see him be a daddy to the children we get to keep. He was great with Caroline, and I know he'll be great with Baby Girl.<br />
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I can't wait to meet this child, especially if it's God's will to let us keep her for a while. Cameron and I know nothing is guaranteed, even thought we have faith and hope that all will go well this time around. I'm so excited. God is so good.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-86980064516388502822012-08-10T11:33:00.001-04:002012-08-10T11:33:27.033-04:00Welcome HomeI just got to spend a week with my family back "home." Where I grew up. Where Caroline is buried.<br />
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I went to visit Caroline while I was there. I mean, I know she isn't really "there," underneath her headstone, but I can't seem to say it any other way.<br />
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I had some mixed emotions while I was there. The last time I stood on that plot of land was the day of the funeral. Cameron and I live approximately 1500 miles from where I grew up, so it's not easy to get back there frequently. It took me 7 months, in fact. Haha. So I had never even seen her headstone in person. My family has been great about sending pictures so we knew what was going on, but I'd never seen it in person. I don't really know why that's so important, but it was nice to feel like things were taken care of and that I had the opportunity to check on it. I guess it's what a mom should do or something.<br />
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I'm sorry if this whole thing sounds slightly morbid or if it makes you uncomfortable. That's not my intention. But this was another milestone for me in my journey with Caroline. Going back to visit her.<br />
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My mom was with me when I went, and I'm kinda glad she was. It made things seem a little less somber or something. I've been doing so well with "moving on" in life that I was almost surprised to find myself fighting tears. I shouldn't have been surprised. I should have expected to feel that way, I guess, but I didn't. It kinda snuck up on me.<br />
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It reminded me that Caroline will always be a part of my life, and there will always be some remnant of the hurt of losing her. I know that, intellectually, but it's sometimes hard to grasp emotionally. I think anyone who has lost a loved one in some way just wants the whole thing to go away. They want the person back, or they just want life to go back to normal, or they just don't want to have to think about it and deal with it because the loss is permanent and leaves an indelible mark on our lives. We want to have emotional plastic surgery to remove the scar the loss caused.<br />
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At the same time, we would never wish that the person never existed for us to lose. We wouldn't trade our time with that loved one for anything even though it had to hurt to lose them. It's a strange mix of emotions.<br />
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To me, it's a reminder that this isn't home. That I'm not supposed to be comfortable here. That I can look forward to a place where I won't ever feel loss or pain anymore. And my precious Caroline is already there enjoying it. What a blessing.<br />
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I'm still incredibly grateful that God's grace has seen me through this loss so well. I'm so glad that God has given me joy amidst the sorrow. And I'm not talking about the new baby on the way, even though that is a source of joy. No, what I'm talking about is that even before we started trying for the new baby, God gave me joy. The joy came from Him, from His comfort, from His truth, from His grace to me. He walked with me through all of it, from diagnosis till now. He gave me joy with the pain. He gave me hope. He is so gracious to me.<br />
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I hope you have His joy. It's better than anything.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-63872943720173875812012-07-25T17:13:00.000-04:002012-07-25T17:13:16.912-04:00The results are inWell, we got back from our specialist a little while ago.<br />
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Baby was very cooperative with our ultrasound tech, so we got some great pictures. :)<br />
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Baby also looked absolutely perfect. :)<br />
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The anencephaly did not recur, and the nuchal translucency was completely normal. While all that is wonderful news, we obviously don't know what the future holds. We'll continue to be monitored for the next few months to make sure everything stays the way it is now. <br />
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I cannot tell you how amazing Cameron and I feel after that appointment. The sonogram popped up on the screen, and we both let out a huge sigh of relief when Baby's head came into view. The tech almost immediately started smiling and was extremely happy for us. She then went on to find all the other pertinent stuff to reassure us even more. <br />
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God is so good. We are incredibly blessed. God's grace is amazing, and my Jesus is powerful. He wasn't surprised by this result. He's been knitting this baby together since the beginning, and knew it would exist before time began. He also knew what this baby would be and accomplish, and we don't even know what day he or she will be born yet. God is so amazing. I can't even fathom His greatness.<br />
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I am so thankful for God's grace in this. It is only His goodness and mercy that has given us this healthy baby. I praise Him for His goodness to me, a wretched sinner saved by grace. I feel absolutely humbled and awed by the gift He's given me in this child. I will never be able to thank Him enough.<br />
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Thank you to all of you who have been praying for us and supporting us. It's been quite a ride, and it was made more joyous and more fulfilling by all of you.<br />
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We'll go back to the specialist in 4 weeks for more monitoring (read: more pictures!), and I'm looking forward to it. :) I can't wait to see what God does with this precious child. I'm already asking for wisdom and grace to raise him or her in the love of Jesus. <br />
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Thanks, once again, for everything. We're so excited to share our news with you. :)<br />
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God bless you all.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-13887099758211182452012-07-22T22:14:00.000-04:002012-07-22T22:14:12.752-04:00DeservingGod continues to teach me through Caroline even now. It is such a blessing to know He's still using Caroline, and not just in my life, but in others' as well. I got to share her story with someone new today. After I finished telling the story, the sweet woman I was telling said, "Thank you for being so open about it and being willing to share your story." That's not an exact quote, but close enough. It made me realize that by being obedient to God's call to write this blog and share our story in other ways, He's being glorified. I mean, I know that, I guess, but it's just little ole me. I'm nothing special apart from God, but He uses experiences like today to remind me that my obedience is not in vain.<br />
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I've also recently seen how my journey with Caroline has encouraged other moms going through something similar. I love that God can use me to give hope and peace to others walking a difficult path. It's such an honor. Especially now that we're kinda "on the other side" of the whole thing, I can see how God has worked and is continuing to work through Caroline. What a wonderful, humbling, and awe-inspiring knowledge. I don't know why God chose me for this. But I feel incredibly blessed that He did.<br />
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The title of this post is "Deserving." I have a few things to say about that particular word. First of all, I don't feel at all deserving of what God has done and is doing through me because of Caroline, like what I mentioned above. I literally sometimes sit back and marvel at God's grace to me. At His use of me. I feel so unworthy of this whole thing. Even though I have chosen to be faithful to Him and to "let" Him use me, it's been His power doing all the work. I can't take credit for much of anything that's happened. He's been there every step of the way, guiding and directing my every movement, thought, and blog post. He's carried me when I couldn't find the strength to go on. He's held my hand when I had enough strength to trudge along, letting me know I wasn't alone. He's shown me glories I never even knew existed. He's blown my mind with what He's done. <br />
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I recently surpassed 18,000 hits on this blog. I never in my wildest dreams thought that many people would spend time reading my blog. I thought there would be, like, 25. Haha. And mostly my family. It just goes to show that God is bigger than anything I could imagine, and can do things I never fathomed. I don't deserve to have thousands of people reading this story. I don't deserve for people to say such sweet things to me, to encourage me in my journey, to let me know I've influenced them somehow. It is absolutely awe-inspiring. God is too good to me.<br />
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But there's another side to that "Deserving" title. I hesitate to even go here, because I don't want to offend anyone, but I just feel a burden to speak. I'll explain, but there is a little background I need to give first to make sure I portray this whole thing clearly.<br />
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I announced recently that Cameron and I are expecting our second child. We are ecstatic. We're trusting God that no matter what happens, it's His plan and we'll be ok. Going through pregnancy after a loss like ours can be pretty nerve-wracking. You wonder, a lot, about what will happen with this new child. You wonder if the anencephaly is going to recur, or if there will be something else wrong, or if you're going to somehow lose this one too. You almost feel like you can't be overly excited, <i>just in case</i>. There's a lot of <i>just in case</i>. I took a ridiculous amount of folic acid before this pregnancy trying to reduce the risk of recurrence. In fact, I'm still taking it. <i>Just in case</i>. We waited a little while to reveal my pregnancy <i>just in case</i> I miscarried. I've been tempted to go in to my doctor several times, just to make sure the heart was still beating. I haven't, because I try to surrender my fear to the Lord whenever I start to get worried or anxious. If I really thought something was wrong, I would go in, but it's just anxiety and fear. <br />
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And finally, there's my appointment with my specialist. It's this coming Wednesday. I'll be getting a sonogram to check for nuchal translucency and anencephaly. We should know immediately if the anencepahly recurred, and hopefully pretty immediately if there are any other neural tube defects. Talk about anxiety. I'm not terribly nervous about the appointment, because I'm trusting God as best I can, that He's got it under control. He knows this baby already, and nothing's going to surprise Him. He's proven that He will be with us if the worst were to happen, so I know I'll be ok. But the waiting to find out...ugh. No fun. <br />
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As we've been going through all this, we've had a lot of support from family and friends. We have so many people praying for us it's kind of ridiculous. I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from so many. <br />
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But I have to confront something that several people have said to me. I just have to, because I want God to be glorified, and I don't want to be the object of someone's misguided admiration.<br />
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I've had a few people tell me they're praying for me, and that no one deserves a healthy baby more than I do, so they hope everything goes great with this pregnancy. They say I deserve a healthy pregnancy and baby. I truly appreciate the sentiment. It means a lot that people think so highly of me when it comes to motherhood. You people have more faith in my parenting abilities than I do! Haha. And I truly believe that people who have said this just want me to have something good because I had to have something hard before. I appreciate it. It's extremely kind of you to say so.<br />
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But I don't deserve jack.<br />
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What I deserve is death because I have sinned. God gave me grace in salvation to exempt me from that particular fate. The fact that I am living and breathing is a gift from God to a wholly undeserving human. The fact that I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and a husband that loves me is all God's grace to me because He loves me. What I deserve is death. But He has given me life.<br />
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Even if God asks Cameron and me to go through losing another child, it will not be based on my merit, or on my shortcomings. It would be because we live in a fallen world where loss is a reality. If we have a healthy child and get to raise him or her until they are adults, then get to enjoy them into our old age, that is not going to be because I deserve it. It's going to be because God loves us and is gracious to us. If I fall into the trap of assuming that I <i>deserve<b></b></i> happiness with a child, I am puffing myself up, making myself more than I ought. I don't deserve anything but death. Anything else is a gift from my marvelous, loving, amazingly powerful and generous God. <br />
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As with Caroline, I cannot want or love this child more than I want and love my Savior. God is sovereign. He is in control. And He knows what's best for me. I hope and pray that God's will lines up with mine this time, but I need to be willing to accept that God might have bigger plans for me. No matter what, I want my time with this child to be glorifying to God, whether it's for a few months or several decades. I want this child to be with me in eternity, so I will do all I can to show him or her the way to Jesus. <br />
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So, in every way, I am undeserving. I am undeserving of God's grace to me. Undeserving of being used by Him in the way He has used me, reaching more people than I ever imagined. Undeserving of every good and precious gift God's given me, including this precious life growing inside me. I am wholly undeserving, but so very grateful for grace.<br />
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God is the only one deserving of praise and honor. My Savior deserves my worship. <br />
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I deserve nothing.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-67286765304694366492012-07-09T00:26:00.000-04:002012-07-09T00:26:58.600-04:00You turned my wailing into dancing..."You turned my wailing into dancing;<br />
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,<br />
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.<br />
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. " -Psalm 30:11-12<br />
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"There is a time for everything,<br />
and a season for every activity under heaven:<br />
a time to weep and a time to laugh,<br />
a time to mourn and a time to dance," -Ecclesiastes 3:1-4<br />
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As we've walked this journey, there have been a lot of ups and downs. We've dealt with way more than I ever thought possible. God's grace has been with us throughout.<br />
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Recently, I've shared a little bit about our healing journey after Caroline was born. I've talked about the future a bit, about how we've thought about future children, the questions people have asked us. I've talked a good bit about the attitude Cameron and I have in regard to future children. I've also talked about where I felt like we needed to be emotionally and spiritually before we even thought about other children.<br />
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We have to be ready to lose the next one too.<br />
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We have to trust not only in medicine, but in God's sovereignty.<br />
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We can't "replace" Caroline with another child.<br />
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We have to allow God's grace to get us through the anxiety and fear that may come with another pregnancy.<br />
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Not only have I mentioned all that, but I've also mentioned what I feel it will be like to love any children God blesses us with. What will be required of us as parents. What I desire my parenting to look like. I want to glorify God with our other children as much as I tried to with Caroline. I'm looking forward to future children because I'm excited about the opportunity to raise them with God.<br />
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Well, barring any complications, and if it's God's will, I'll get my chance in February.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi30yp68LkjmEQeu54ysW8o8r3vrEMDNAb3357GOegUUTjH5y6oU3aMVA-4iiHdKWxzvki8a7lNfpxBJraj5XDJzfByfnc_4qDWXUgqcIXj1pbrd-jkuxW77vBJg2V2ExUAom2tx4Z3CYY/s1600/IMG_9498.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi30yp68LkjmEQeu54ysW8o8r3vrEMDNAb3357GOegUUTjH5y6oU3aMVA-4iiHdKWxzvki8a7lNfpxBJraj5XDJzfByfnc_4qDWXUgqcIXj1pbrd-jkuxW77vBJg2V2ExUAom2tx4Z3CYY/s320/IMG_9498.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Cameron and I are expecting our next little one in February. We are extremely excited, but both of us will admit that we're slightly guarded in our excitement. We know that anything could happen. We know that God is sovereign and that His will is going to be done regardless. We definitely want this child with a passion, but we are also doing our best to reside in God's grace. If the worst were to happen again, then we have a loving Savior who will carry us through again. He's done it before, so we can have amazing faith that He will do it again.<br />
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We are hoping and praying that all will go well this time. I'm not living in constant dread, but I would be lying if I said I never thought about it. Any time those thoughts come in, I try to surrender them to the Savior who's in control anyway. And He is gracious to me and gets me through it all. I have been to my OB once, and in a couple weeks I'll go to my specialist. At that point, we'll be doing a nuchal transparency screening sonogram to check for neural tube defects, including anencephaly. I will breathe a huge sigh of relief after that appointment, if all goes well. Either way, God is good, and His mercy endures forever, so we will be ok.<br />
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Obviously being pregnant again brings up some interesting emotions and thoughts. I really am mostly at peace. It's amazing what God can do in crazy situations. While I am slightly more paranoid about stuff this time around, it's not ruling me. I am definitely grateful for the modern medicine God has allowed us to discover. It's amazing to me that at 12 weeks gestation, they can screen for all these disorders. It's quite reassuring to have visual proof that the child inside me is ok. Seeing his or her heartbeat at my first OB appointment on that sonogram screen was incredible. Seeing the miracle of life after living through the pain of death is just something incredibly special. <br />
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I have to be careful not to place my faith in doctors and medicine above God. I know He gave us those tools, so I will be grateful for them and take advantage of them, but God is still the one on control. So while there are some nerves involved in waiting for the appointment with my specialist, I'm doing my best to rely on God while I wait. He's been good to me, and so far He's given me the grace to do that.<br />
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While the loss of Caroline is not diminished by our news, we do feel incredibly blessed to have this little gift from God. We'll always love and miss Caroline, but we'll also love and (if it's God's will) get to raise this little one that's on its way. It reminds me a bit of what was said about Job. "The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first." Job 42:12. Job lost everything. All his children, all his wealth, his home, his health. His wife and friends just nagged him forever. And he was a very wealthy man with a lot of children. I can't imagine that Job ever forgot or stopped loving and missing the children he lost. But Scripture says that God blessed him more after he got through all that pain, than when he had it all to begin with, before it was taken from him. That's kind of how I feel. Nothing will change the painful experiences we had with Caroline. We had some good experiences, too. Nothing will erase her from our lives and hearts. But we can appreciate the blessings God gives us afterward too. Like this little one coming in February.<br />
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Goodness, the emotions going on in me are a little nutso. They're so hard to describe. Hopefully I've made some semblance of sense. Haha.<br />
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Anyway, we are grateful for this little blessing. We are grateful for the blessing of Caroline. We are grateful that God is sovereign and powerful and loving and gracious. We look forward to what God will do with us all, no matter what happens with this pregnancy. Thank you for sharing in this journey with us.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4182511535752700915.post-12344054053629687142012-06-26T22:54:00.001-04:002012-06-26T22:54:21.858-04:00Surreal LifeFor some reason, it seems like I've had several opportunities to talk about Caroline recently. As time goes on, I don't really talk about her as much as I used to. I still think about her everyday and everything, but the need to talk about her has subsided a bit. I'm not ashamed to talk about her, and I don't shy away from it either, but the urgency isn't there anymore. <br />
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So the fact that I've talked about her several times lately is a little out of the ordinary at this point. It's been a little over six months now since she was born. As time passes, her time with us begins to seem a little surreal. I look back and think, "Did that really happen to me? Did I really go through that?" Of course I did, and it changed my life. I will never forget Caroline. I will always miss her. But time is dulling the pain a bit, that's for sure.<br />
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I think part of why she's come up a lot recently is because there are about a million people I know having babies. Haha. I've mentioned this a little bit before now, but it's still true. It seems like just about every week I find out a friend or acquaintance is pregnant. I'm ecstatic for them. I do, naturally, feel a little twinge now and then, but it's not jealousy. God has been gracious in that I've been able to rejoice with others without becoming bitter myself. The twinge is more just that dull ache that comes after you lose a loved one and are reminded of the loss. Whether it's a baby or a grandparent, sometimes the pain just pops up. <br />
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Anyway...it's been kinda sweet lately because people have made a point to tell me they're praying for me specifically because of all these babies. They say something to the effect of, "I know it can't be easy to see all these other babies, so I've just been praying for you." It's been touching, really, that people have been so supportive and sweet. And while I do have those pesky twinges occasionally, I know that God is good and His grace gets us through just fine. :)<br />
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But yeah, Caroline's come up a few times. I've gone back and looked at her pictures, and I've gone back and read bits and pieces of my blog again. I've reminisced about our time with her, about everything that's happened since. It's truly incredible, really, to see what God has done. I know He's not done yet, either. But like I mentioned, it's become a bit surreal. I suppose that's a natural reaction. I guess you start to kinda separate yourself from the intensity. I look back and wonder how the heck I did that. Obviously the answer is through God's grace, but it's been a little crazy to think about. <br />
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You know how sometimes you see people doing something slightly out of the ordinary, and you think, "Wow, I could never do that," or "They must be made of different stuff to be able to do that." For instance, military people, fire fighters, policeman, etc. I think we tend to romanticize people like that. I have a little experience with that because my hubby is military. Those people don't necessarily see themselves as something special. They're just people doing their job. It's kinda that way with my experience with Caroline. A lot of people looked (or may still look) at me as being something special, doing something extraordinary. I don't feel that way at all. I'm just me, dealing with something that came into my life. I know I had a lot of help from God. I know I wouldn't have made it otherwise. But I guess that's why it seems so surreal looking back.<br />
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I know that what happened was different. It was unusual. It was out of the ordinary. And I handled it in a way that many people told me was unusual and out of the ordinary. I can't take credit because Jesus was carrying me, but I do realize that something special happened with Caroline. It seems surreal because I'm still me, just a normal person, but I got to experience something extraordinary. I took part in something unusual. Jesus blessed me with a situation that can only be called extraordinary. It was, and continues to be, quite a ride. I am humbled by it, because I realize that I am a simple human being who was carried through an insane experience to show God's glory in a unique way. I continue to hope that my testimony can help others, that this blog will be shared, that Caroline's story will be shared, and that others will come to know Jesus or know Him better because of her life.<br />
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If you ever want to share something with me, I'd love to hear it. You can always leave comments on posts, or you can email me at the email address on the contact tab above. Thank you for being part of Caroline's story.<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0