God continues to teach me through Caroline even now. It is such a blessing to know He's still using Caroline, and not just in my life, but in others' as well. I got to share her story with someone new today. After I finished telling the story, the sweet woman I was telling said, "Thank you for being so open about it and being willing to share your story." That's not an exact quote, but close enough. It made me realize that by being obedient to God's call to write this blog and share our story in other ways, He's being glorified. I mean, I know that, I guess, but it's just little ole me. I'm nothing special apart from God, but He uses experiences like today to remind me that my obedience is not in vain.
I've also recently seen how my journey with Caroline has encouraged other moms going through something similar. I love that God can use me to give hope and peace to others walking a difficult path. It's such an honor. Especially now that we're kinda "on the other side" of the whole thing, I can see how God has worked and is continuing to work through Caroline. What a wonderful, humbling, and awe-inspiring knowledge. I don't know why God chose me for this. But I feel incredibly blessed that He did.
The title of this post is "Deserving." I have a few things to say about that particular word. First of all, I don't feel at all deserving of what God has done and is doing through me because of Caroline, like what I mentioned above. I literally sometimes sit back and marvel at God's grace to me. At His use of me. I feel so unworthy of this whole thing. Even though I have chosen to be faithful to Him and to "let" Him use me, it's been His power doing all the work. I can't take credit for much of anything that's happened. He's been there every step of the way, guiding and directing my every movement, thought, and blog post. He's carried me when I couldn't find the strength to go on. He's held my hand when I had enough strength to trudge along, letting me know I wasn't alone. He's shown me glories I never even knew existed. He's blown my mind with what He's done.
I recently surpassed 18,000 hits on this blog. I never in my wildest dreams thought that many people would spend time reading my blog. I thought there would be, like, 25. Haha. And mostly my family. It just goes to show that God is bigger than anything I could imagine, and can do things I never fathomed. I don't deserve to have thousands of people reading this story. I don't deserve for people to say such sweet things to me, to encourage me in my journey, to let me know I've influenced them somehow. It is absolutely awe-inspiring. God is too good to me.
But there's another side to that "Deserving" title. I hesitate to even go here, because I don't want to offend anyone, but I just feel a burden to speak. I'll explain, but there is a little background I need to give first to make sure I portray this whole thing clearly.
I announced recently that Cameron and I are expecting our second child. We are ecstatic. We're trusting God that no matter what happens, it's His plan and we'll be ok. Going through pregnancy after a loss like ours can be pretty nerve-wracking. You wonder, a lot, about what will happen with this new child. You wonder if the anencephaly is going to recur, or if there will be something else wrong, or if you're going to somehow lose this one too. You almost feel like you can't be overly excited, just in case. There's a lot of just in case. I took a ridiculous amount of folic acid before this pregnancy trying to reduce the risk of recurrence. In fact, I'm still taking it. Just in case. We waited a little while to reveal my pregnancy just in case I miscarried. I've been tempted to go in to my doctor several times, just to make sure the heart was still beating. I haven't, because I try to surrender my fear to the Lord whenever I start to get worried or anxious. If I really thought something was wrong, I would go in, but it's just anxiety and fear.
And finally, there's my appointment with my specialist. It's this coming Wednesday. I'll be getting a sonogram to check for nuchal translucency and anencephaly. We should know immediately if the anencepahly recurred, and hopefully pretty immediately if there are any other neural tube defects. Talk about anxiety. I'm not terribly nervous about the appointment, because I'm trusting God as best I can, that He's got it under control. He knows this baby already, and nothing's going to surprise Him. He's proven that He will be with us if the worst were to happen, so I know I'll be ok. But the waiting to find out...ugh. No fun.
As we've been going through all this, we've had a lot of support from family and friends. We have so many people praying for us it's kind of ridiculous. I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from so many.
But I have to confront something that several people have said to me. I just have to, because I want God to be glorified, and I don't want to be the object of someone's misguided admiration.
I've had a few people tell me they're praying for me, and that no one deserves a healthy baby more than I do, so they hope everything goes great with this pregnancy. They say I deserve a healthy pregnancy and baby. I truly appreciate the sentiment. It means a lot that people think so highly of me when it comes to motherhood. You people have more faith in my parenting abilities than I do! Haha. And I truly believe that people who have said this just want me to have something good because I had to have something hard before. I appreciate it. It's extremely kind of you to say so.
But I don't deserve jack.
What I deserve is death because I have sinned. God gave me grace in salvation to exempt me from that particular fate. The fact that I am living and breathing is a gift from God to a wholly undeserving human. The fact that I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and a husband that loves me is all God's grace to me because He loves me. What I deserve is death. But He has given me life.
Even if God asks Cameron and me to go through losing another child, it will not be based on my merit, or on my shortcomings. It would be because we live in a fallen world where loss is a reality. If we have a healthy child and get to raise him or her until they are adults, then get to enjoy them into our old age, that is not going to be because I deserve it. It's going to be because God loves us and is gracious to us. If I fall into the trap of assuming that I deserve happiness with a child, I am puffing myself up, making myself more than I ought. I don't deserve anything but death. Anything else is a gift from my marvelous, loving, amazingly powerful and generous God.
As with Caroline, I cannot want or love this child more than I want and love my Savior. God is sovereign. He is in control. And He knows what's best for me. I hope and pray that God's will lines up with mine this time, but I need to be willing to accept that God might have bigger plans for me. No matter what, I want my time with this child to be glorifying to God, whether it's for a few months or several decades. I want this child to be with me in eternity, so I will do all I can to show him or her the way to Jesus.
So, in every way, I am undeserving. I am undeserving of God's grace to me. Undeserving of being used by Him in the way He has used me, reaching more people than I ever imagined. Undeserving of every good and precious gift God's given me, including this precious life growing inside me. I am wholly undeserving, but so very grateful for grace.
God is the only one deserving of praise and honor. My Savior deserves my worship.
I deserve nothing.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
You turned my wailing into dancing...
"You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. " -Psalm 30:11-12
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance," -Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
As we've walked this journey, there have been a lot of ups and downs. We've dealt with way more than I ever thought possible. God's grace has been with us throughout.
Recently, I've shared a little bit about our healing journey after Caroline was born. I've talked about the future a bit, about how we've thought about future children, the questions people have asked us. I've talked a good bit about the attitude Cameron and I have in regard to future children. I've also talked about where I felt like we needed to be emotionally and spiritually before we even thought about other children.
We have to be ready to lose the next one too.
We have to trust not only in medicine, but in God's sovereignty.
We can't "replace" Caroline with another child.
We have to allow God's grace to get us through the anxiety and fear that may come with another pregnancy.
Not only have I mentioned all that, but I've also mentioned what I feel it will be like to love any children God blesses us with. What will be required of us as parents. What I desire my parenting to look like. I want to glorify God with our other children as much as I tried to with Caroline. I'm looking forward to future children because I'm excited about the opportunity to raise them with God.
Well, barring any complications, and if it's God's will, I'll get my chance in February.
Cameron and I are expecting our next little one in February. We are extremely excited, but both of us will admit that we're slightly guarded in our excitement. We know that anything could happen. We know that God is sovereign and that His will is going to be done regardless. We definitely want this child with a passion, but we are also doing our best to reside in God's grace. If the worst were to happen again, then we have a loving Savior who will carry us through again. He's done it before, so we can have amazing faith that He will do it again.
We are hoping and praying that all will go well this time. I'm not living in constant dread, but I would be lying if I said I never thought about it. Any time those thoughts come in, I try to surrender them to the Savior who's in control anyway. And He is gracious to me and gets me through it all. I have been to my OB once, and in a couple weeks I'll go to my specialist. At that point, we'll be doing a nuchal transparency screening sonogram to check for neural tube defects, including anencephaly. I will breathe a huge sigh of relief after that appointment, if all goes well. Either way, God is good, and His mercy endures forever, so we will be ok.
Obviously being pregnant again brings up some interesting emotions and thoughts. I really am mostly at peace. It's amazing what God can do in crazy situations. While I am slightly more paranoid about stuff this time around, it's not ruling me. I am definitely grateful for the modern medicine God has allowed us to discover. It's amazing to me that at 12 weeks gestation, they can screen for all these disorders. It's quite reassuring to have visual proof that the child inside me is ok. Seeing his or her heartbeat at my first OB appointment on that sonogram screen was incredible. Seeing the miracle of life after living through the pain of death is just something incredibly special.
I have to be careful not to place my faith in doctors and medicine above God. I know He gave us those tools, so I will be grateful for them and take advantage of them, but God is still the one on control. So while there are some nerves involved in waiting for the appointment with my specialist, I'm doing my best to rely on God while I wait. He's been good to me, and so far He's given me the grace to do that.
While the loss of Caroline is not diminished by our news, we do feel incredibly blessed to have this little gift from God. We'll always love and miss Caroline, but we'll also love and (if it's God's will) get to raise this little one that's on its way. It reminds me a bit of what was said about Job. "The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first." Job 42:12. Job lost everything. All his children, all his wealth, his home, his health. His wife and friends just nagged him forever. And he was a very wealthy man with a lot of children. I can't imagine that Job ever forgot or stopped loving and missing the children he lost. But Scripture says that God blessed him more after he got through all that pain, than when he had it all to begin with, before it was taken from him. That's kind of how I feel. Nothing will change the painful experiences we had with Caroline. We had some good experiences, too. Nothing will erase her from our lives and hearts. But we can appreciate the blessings God gives us afterward too. Like this little one coming in February.
Goodness, the emotions going on in me are a little nutso. They're so hard to describe. Hopefully I've made some semblance of sense. Haha.
Anyway, we are grateful for this little blessing. We are grateful for the blessing of Caroline. We are grateful that God is sovereign and powerful and loving and gracious. We look forward to what God will do with us all, no matter what happens with this pregnancy. Thank you for sharing in this journey with us.
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. " -Psalm 30:11-12
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance," -Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
As we've walked this journey, there have been a lot of ups and downs. We've dealt with way more than I ever thought possible. God's grace has been with us throughout.
Recently, I've shared a little bit about our healing journey after Caroline was born. I've talked about the future a bit, about how we've thought about future children, the questions people have asked us. I've talked a good bit about the attitude Cameron and I have in regard to future children. I've also talked about where I felt like we needed to be emotionally and spiritually before we even thought about other children.
We have to be ready to lose the next one too.
We have to trust not only in medicine, but in God's sovereignty.
We can't "replace" Caroline with another child.
We have to allow God's grace to get us through the anxiety and fear that may come with another pregnancy.
Not only have I mentioned all that, but I've also mentioned what I feel it will be like to love any children God blesses us with. What will be required of us as parents. What I desire my parenting to look like. I want to glorify God with our other children as much as I tried to with Caroline. I'm looking forward to future children because I'm excited about the opportunity to raise them with God.
Well, barring any complications, and if it's God's will, I'll get my chance in February.
Cameron and I are expecting our next little one in February. We are extremely excited, but both of us will admit that we're slightly guarded in our excitement. We know that anything could happen. We know that God is sovereign and that His will is going to be done regardless. We definitely want this child with a passion, but we are also doing our best to reside in God's grace. If the worst were to happen again, then we have a loving Savior who will carry us through again. He's done it before, so we can have amazing faith that He will do it again.
We are hoping and praying that all will go well this time. I'm not living in constant dread, but I would be lying if I said I never thought about it. Any time those thoughts come in, I try to surrender them to the Savior who's in control anyway. And He is gracious to me and gets me through it all. I have been to my OB once, and in a couple weeks I'll go to my specialist. At that point, we'll be doing a nuchal transparency screening sonogram to check for neural tube defects, including anencephaly. I will breathe a huge sigh of relief after that appointment, if all goes well. Either way, God is good, and His mercy endures forever, so we will be ok.
Obviously being pregnant again brings up some interesting emotions and thoughts. I really am mostly at peace. It's amazing what God can do in crazy situations. While I am slightly more paranoid about stuff this time around, it's not ruling me. I am definitely grateful for the modern medicine God has allowed us to discover. It's amazing to me that at 12 weeks gestation, they can screen for all these disorders. It's quite reassuring to have visual proof that the child inside me is ok. Seeing his or her heartbeat at my first OB appointment on that sonogram screen was incredible. Seeing the miracle of life after living through the pain of death is just something incredibly special.
I have to be careful not to place my faith in doctors and medicine above God. I know He gave us those tools, so I will be grateful for them and take advantage of them, but God is still the one on control. So while there are some nerves involved in waiting for the appointment with my specialist, I'm doing my best to rely on God while I wait. He's been good to me, and so far He's given me the grace to do that.
While the loss of Caroline is not diminished by our news, we do feel incredibly blessed to have this little gift from God. We'll always love and miss Caroline, but we'll also love and (if it's God's will) get to raise this little one that's on its way. It reminds me a bit of what was said about Job. "The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first." Job 42:12. Job lost everything. All his children, all his wealth, his home, his health. His wife and friends just nagged him forever. And he was a very wealthy man with a lot of children. I can't imagine that Job ever forgot or stopped loving and missing the children he lost. But Scripture says that God blessed him more after he got through all that pain, than when he had it all to begin with, before it was taken from him. That's kind of how I feel. Nothing will change the painful experiences we had with Caroline. We had some good experiences, too. Nothing will erase her from our lives and hearts. But we can appreciate the blessings God gives us afterward too. Like this little one coming in February.
Goodness, the emotions going on in me are a little nutso. They're so hard to describe. Hopefully I've made some semblance of sense. Haha.
Anyway, we are grateful for this little blessing. We are grateful for the blessing of Caroline. We are grateful that God is sovereign and powerful and loving and gracious. We look forward to what God will do with us all, no matter what happens with this pregnancy. Thank you for sharing in this journey with us.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Surreal Life
For some reason, it seems like I've had several opportunities to talk about Caroline recently. As time goes on, I don't really talk about her as much as I used to. I still think about her everyday and everything, but the need to talk about her has subsided a bit. I'm not ashamed to talk about her, and I don't shy away from it either, but the urgency isn't there anymore.
So the fact that I've talked about her several times lately is a little out of the ordinary at this point. It's been a little over six months now since she was born. As time passes, her time with us begins to seem a little surreal. I look back and think, "Did that really happen to me? Did I really go through that?" Of course I did, and it changed my life. I will never forget Caroline. I will always miss her. But time is dulling the pain a bit, that's for sure.
I think part of why she's come up a lot recently is because there are about a million people I know having babies. Haha. I've mentioned this a little bit before now, but it's still true. It seems like just about every week I find out a friend or acquaintance is pregnant. I'm ecstatic for them. I do, naturally, feel a little twinge now and then, but it's not jealousy. God has been gracious in that I've been able to rejoice with others without becoming bitter myself. The twinge is more just that dull ache that comes after you lose a loved one and are reminded of the loss. Whether it's a baby or a grandparent, sometimes the pain just pops up.
Anyway...it's been kinda sweet lately because people have made a point to tell me they're praying for me specifically because of all these babies. They say something to the effect of, "I know it can't be easy to see all these other babies, so I've just been praying for you." It's been touching, really, that people have been so supportive and sweet. And while I do have those pesky twinges occasionally, I know that God is good and His grace gets us through just fine. :)
But yeah, Caroline's come up a few times. I've gone back and looked at her pictures, and I've gone back and read bits and pieces of my blog again. I've reminisced about our time with her, about everything that's happened since. It's truly incredible, really, to see what God has done. I know He's not done yet, either. But like I mentioned, it's become a bit surreal. I suppose that's a natural reaction. I guess you start to kinda separate yourself from the intensity. I look back and wonder how the heck I did that. Obviously the answer is through God's grace, but it's been a little crazy to think about.
You know how sometimes you see people doing something slightly out of the ordinary, and you think, "Wow, I could never do that," or "They must be made of different stuff to be able to do that." For instance, military people, fire fighters, policeman, etc. I think we tend to romanticize people like that. I have a little experience with that because my hubby is military. Those people don't necessarily see themselves as something special. They're just people doing their job. It's kinda that way with my experience with Caroline. A lot of people looked (or may still look) at me as being something special, doing something extraordinary. I don't feel that way at all. I'm just me, dealing with something that came into my life. I know I had a lot of help from God. I know I wouldn't have made it otherwise. But I guess that's why it seems so surreal looking back.
I know that what happened was different. It was unusual. It was out of the ordinary. And I handled it in a way that many people told me was unusual and out of the ordinary. I can't take credit because Jesus was carrying me, but I do realize that something special happened with Caroline. It seems surreal because I'm still me, just a normal person, but I got to experience something extraordinary. I took part in something unusual. Jesus blessed me with a situation that can only be called extraordinary. It was, and continues to be, quite a ride. I am humbled by it, because I realize that I am a simple human being who was carried through an insane experience to show God's glory in a unique way. I continue to hope that my testimony can help others, that this blog will be shared, that Caroline's story will be shared, and that others will come to know Jesus or know Him better because of her life.
If you ever want to share something with me, I'd love to hear it. You can always leave comments on posts, or you can email me at the email address on the contact tab above. Thank you for being part of Caroline's story.
So the fact that I've talked about her several times lately is a little out of the ordinary at this point. It's been a little over six months now since she was born. As time passes, her time with us begins to seem a little surreal. I look back and think, "Did that really happen to me? Did I really go through that?" Of course I did, and it changed my life. I will never forget Caroline. I will always miss her. But time is dulling the pain a bit, that's for sure.
I think part of why she's come up a lot recently is because there are about a million people I know having babies. Haha. I've mentioned this a little bit before now, but it's still true. It seems like just about every week I find out a friend or acquaintance is pregnant. I'm ecstatic for them. I do, naturally, feel a little twinge now and then, but it's not jealousy. God has been gracious in that I've been able to rejoice with others without becoming bitter myself. The twinge is more just that dull ache that comes after you lose a loved one and are reminded of the loss. Whether it's a baby or a grandparent, sometimes the pain just pops up.
Anyway...it's been kinda sweet lately because people have made a point to tell me they're praying for me specifically because of all these babies. They say something to the effect of, "I know it can't be easy to see all these other babies, so I've just been praying for you." It's been touching, really, that people have been so supportive and sweet. And while I do have those pesky twinges occasionally, I know that God is good and His grace gets us through just fine. :)
But yeah, Caroline's come up a few times. I've gone back and looked at her pictures, and I've gone back and read bits and pieces of my blog again. I've reminisced about our time with her, about everything that's happened since. It's truly incredible, really, to see what God has done. I know He's not done yet, either. But like I mentioned, it's become a bit surreal. I suppose that's a natural reaction. I guess you start to kinda separate yourself from the intensity. I look back and wonder how the heck I did that. Obviously the answer is through God's grace, but it's been a little crazy to think about.
You know how sometimes you see people doing something slightly out of the ordinary, and you think, "Wow, I could never do that," or "They must be made of different stuff to be able to do that." For instance, military people, fire fighters, policeman, etc. I think we tend to romanticize people like that. I have a little experience with that because my hubby is military. Those people don't necessarily see themselves as something special. They're just people doing their job. It's kinda that way with my experience with Caroline. A lot of people looked (or may still look) at me as being something special, doing something extraordinary. I don't feel that way at all. I'm just me, dealing with something that came into my life. I know I had a lot of help from God. I know I wouldn't have made it otherwise. But I guess that's why it seems so surreal looking back.
I know that what happened was different. It was unusual. It was out of the ordinary. And I handled it in a way that many people told me was unusual and out of the ordinary. I can't take credit because Jesus was carrying me, but I do realize that something special happened with Caroline. It seems surreal because I'm still me, just a normal person, but I got to experience something extraordinary. I took part in something unusual. Jesus blessed me with a situation that can only be called extraordinary. It was, and continues to be, quite a ride. I am humbled by it, because I realize that I am a simple human being who was carried through an insane experience to show God's glory in a unique way. I continue to hope that my testimony can help others, that this blog will be shared, that Caroline's story will be shared, and that others will come to know Jesus or know Him better because of her life.
If you ever want to share something with me, I'd love to hear it. You can always leave comments on posts, or you can email me at the email address on the contact tab above. Thank you for being part of Caroline's story.
Friday, June 8, 2012
What Is Love?
"What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more." You know you just sang that.
That's totally not what this post is about. But it is about love. I wrote the title and the song popped in my head, so I had to share. :)
We're coming up on six months since Caroline was born. I've been through Mother's Day, and we're coming up on Father's Day. We're starting to get asked a lot (see my previous post) if we're gonna start trying for another kid soon. Lots of progress, so to speak.
As I've been preparing my heart and mind for whatever God's will is in the future, especially related to children, I've asked myself a lot of random questions. Are we ready for another child? What would happen if we lost the next one too? Can I keep myself from making an idol of the next child? Will I be able to surrender my child to God's keeping and will, or will I try to grasp on and hold on? Will I be a good mother?
What is love?
That question right there probably can help me answer all the other ones. I'll admit that I am a little fearful for the next go round of pregnancy/motherhood. I don't think I'd be human if I didn't have some fears and anxieties. But I also don't want them to rule over me. I don't want them to stunt my spiritual growth. I've been praying a lot that God would protect me from that fear and anxiety, that He would help me not to lose focus. That He would show me love, and how to love. He is love.
I know there are a million verses in Scripture that talk about what love is. Laying down your life for a friend. Patient, kind, not proud or rude, not easily angered, not self seeking, keeps no record of wrongs, doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It never fails. Jesus' death on the cross while we were still sinners. I could go on and on. There are also commands to love God more than anything, with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and then to love your neighbor also. Obviously love is important to God.
I know in the English language we use the word love a lot. We love tacos, we love our spouses, we love a tv show, we love our kids. With such a wide spectrum of love, and only one real word to use to describe it, it's no wonder that the definition of love can get a little skewed or muddled. So I had to ask myself as I've been wrestling with all my emotions and thoughts, What is love? What does it mean for God to love me? What does it mean for me to love others? What will it mean to love my children?
There are simple, cliche answers to all of those questions. But I don't want to stop there. I want to dig a little deeper and figure it out. It's too important not to. God showed His love for me by sending His Son to die for me, then raising him again so that death has no victory, and we get to spend eternity in Heaven with Him. Sunday School answer. Having lost a child of my own, and not voluntarily, I can't imagine the pain that caused God. Not only God, but Jesus. He voluntarily gave up His life, was disowned momentarily by His Father while He took on the sin of the world, and then overcame it all so that the very people who killed Him could spend eternity with Him if they choose to. Talk about love. I can't even begin to understand that kind of love. And I can in no way pay God back for it. I can do my best to love Him, but only because I want to. I can't reciprocate what He's done for me. He loved me sacrificially and unselfishly, and I want to do that too.
If God can do that for me, I should be able to show others love while I'm here on earth. What does that look like? Being inconvenienced. Offering hospitality when it's not comfortable. Telling people about Jesus, even if I'm rejected for it. Putting other people's needs and desires above my own. Making myself nothing so Christ can be everything. Always pointing people to the Savior of their souls. The most loving thing I can do is make sure the people I care about know Jesus. Without Him, eternity will be miserable beyond imagination. With Him, it will be paradise beyond our wildest dreams. So I need to share that. I need to be loving.
When it comes to children, that doesn't change much. The most loving thing I can ever do for my kids is show them how to know Jesus. All the other stuff is secondary. Kissing boo-boos, wiping tears, feeding, clothing, encouraging, supporting. Without Jesus, it doesn't matter much. I'm not saying it's not important. Some of why our kids find Jesus is because we're willing to kiss boo-boos. Kids see Jesus' love for them in our love for them. I get that. One of the best ways I can love my kids is to love Jesus first. To let His love flow through me.
And as I battle my fears about our next child, I have to remember that. I have to remember that I have to love Jesus first. I have to trust Him to be in control of my child's life. He is sovereign, and whatever He does is for the best. I can't hold on and try to manage my child's life beyond the responsibility God has given me. I'm not God. I can't play God to my kids. As I learned with Caroline, I am not worthy of Christ if I love my kids more than I love Him. So I've been working on loving God, and letting Him take care of the rest. I have certain responsibilities. I have to take care of myself physically. I have to go to doctors when the time comes. I have to take care of any children God gives us. But I also have to rely on Him to do that. I can't do it on my own strength or by my own plans. If I truly want to glorify God as a mother, I have to let God be in control of my efforts as a mom.
So, as the fears and anxieties wage war against a God-given peace and security, I have to choose to let God be in control. I have to constantly lay those fears and anxieties at His feet, letting Him take them away from me. Sometimes, that's pretty frequently. And that's ok. I'm not perfect. I'm a human being. I have to deal with a fallen world and a fallen me. But God's still in control. He's still taking care of me. And that's all that matters.
That's totally not what this post is about. But it is about love. I wrote the title and the song popped in my head, so I had to share. :)
We're coming up on six months since Caroline was born. I've been through Mother's Day, and we're coming up on Father's Day. We're starting to get asked a lot (see my previous post) if we're gonna start trying for another kid soon. Lots of progress, so to speak.
As I've been preparing my heart and mind for whatever God's will is in the future, especially related to children, I've asked myself a lot of random questions. Are we ready for another child? What would happen if we lost the next one too? Can I keep myself from making an idol of the next child? Will I be able to surrender my child to God's keeping and will, or will I try to grasp on and hold on? Will I be a good mother?
What is love?
That question right there probably can help me answer all the other ones. I'll admit that I am a little fearful for the next go round of pregnancy/motherhood. I don't think I'd be human if I didn't have some fears and anxieties. But I also don't want them to rule over me. I don't want them to stunt my spiritual growth. I've been praying a lot that God would protect me from that fear and anxiety, that He would help me not to lose focus. That He would show me love, and how to love. He is love.
I know there are a million verses in Scripture that talk about what love is. Laying down your life for a friend. Patient, kind, not proud or rude, not easily angered, not self seeking, keeps no record of wrongs, doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It never fails. Jesus' death on the cross while we were still sinners. I could go on and on. There are also commands to love God more than anything, with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and then to love your neighbor also. Obviously love is important to God.
I know in the English language we use the word love a lot. We love tacos, we love our spouses, we love a tv show, we love our kids. With such a wide spectrum of love, and only one real word to use to describe it, it's no wonder that the definition of love can get a little skewed or muddled. So I had to ask myself as I've been wrestling with all my emotions and thoughts, What is love? What does it mean for God to love me? What does it mean for me to love others? What will it mean to love my children?
There are simple, cliche answers to all of those questions. But I don't want to stop there. I want to dig a little deeper and figure it out. It's too important not to. God showed His love for me by sending His Son to die for me, then raising him again so that death has no victory, and we get to spend eternity in Heaven with Him. Sunday School answer. Having lost a child of my own, and not voluntarily, I can't imagine the pain that caused God. Not only God, but Jesus. He voluntarily gave up His life, was disowned momentarily by His Father while He took on the sin of the world, and then overcame it all so that the very people who killed Him could spend eternity with Him if they choose to. Talk about love. I can't even begin to understand that kind of love. And I can in no way pay God back for it. I can do my best to love Him, but only because I want to. I can't reciprocate what He's done for me. He loved me sacrificially and unselfishly, and I want to do that too.
If God can do that for me, I should be able to show others love while I'm here on earth. What does that look like? Being inconvenienced. Offering hospitality when it's not comfortable. Telling people about Jesus, even if I'm rejected for it. Putting other people's needs and desires above my own. Making myself nothing so Christ can be everything. Always pointing people to the Savior of their souls. The most loving thing I can do is make sure the people I care about know Jesus. Without Him, eternity will be miserable beyond imagination. With Him, it will be paradise beyond our wildest dreams. So I need to share that. I need to be loving.
When it comes to children, that doesn't change much. The most loving thing I can ever do for my kids is show them how to know Jesus. All the other stuff is secondary. Kissing boo-boos, wiping tears, feeding, clothing, encouraging, supporting. Without Jesus, it doesn't matter much. I'm not saying it's not important. Some of why our kids find Jesus is because we're willing to kiss boo-boos. Kids see Jesus' love for them in our love for them. I get that. One of the best ways I can love my kids is to love Jesus first. To let His love flow through me.
And as I battle my fears about our next child, I have to remember that. I have to remember that I have to love Jesus first. I have to trust Him to be in control of my child's life. He is sovereign, and whatever He does is for the best. I can't hold on and try to manage my child's life beyond the responsibility God has given me. I'm not God. I can't play God to my kids. As I learned with Caroline, I am not worthy of Christ if I love my kids more than I love Him. So I've been working on loving God, and letting Him take care of the rest. I have certain responsibilities. I have to take care of myself physically. I have to go to doctors when the time comes. I have to take care of any children God gives us. But I also have to rely on Him to do that. I can't do it on my own strength or by my own plans. If I truly want to glorify God as a mother, I have to let God be in control of my efforts as a mom.
So, as the fears and anxieties wage war against a God-given peace and security, I have to choose to let God be in control. I have to constantly lay those fears and anxieties at His feet, letting Him take them away from me. Sometimes, that's pretty frequently. And that's ok. I'm not perfect. I'm a human being. I have to deal with a fallen world and a fallen me. But God's still in control. He's still taking care of me. And that's all that matters.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The Question
Yes. The Question. Capital Q.
Shall I explain? Ok.
We have been getting The Question a lot lately. The Question entails some form of "Are you guys going to have another kid? If so, when?"
Since we've been getting The Question so frequently lately, I figured I might as well blog about it and answer everyone at the same time. Hopefully all this will make sense.
The answer is, yes, we'd like more children, if that is God's will for us. As far as when, that will depend on God's plan, as well as our own emotional health. That has always been true, and nothing has changed. We always wanted more than one child, and even if Caroline would have survived, we would want another one. The difference now is that Caroline did not survive, so we might have another one sooner than we would have had she lived.
I want to be 100% clear, however. We do not want another child because Caroline is with Jesus. We want another child because, if it's God's will for us, we want to glorify Him with each child. There are a lot of emotions and thoughts involved now because we lost Caroline, but I want to share a few things with you that Cameron and I have come to understand.
First of all, Caroline was, is, and will always be our first child. Nothing will change that. No subsequent children will replace her. Having another child will not make everything better in our loss of Caroline. I think a lot of people think that if we just "hurry up and get pregnant again," that having that next child will somehow alleviate the pain of losing Caroline, or make things less difficult. People can accept and relate to expecting a child. Not everyone can relate to losing one. They know what to say to people expecting a child. They don't know what to say when someone loses a child. In some ways, it will be easier on everyone if/when I get pregnant again, because the elephant in the room will be smaller. I don't say all this to be mean or callused. I just want to lay it all out there. Having another child will change nothing in regards to Caroline. We'll just have something else to look forward to here on earth.
But that child is still a gift from God, and is still only on loan to us while we're on earth. Someday, that next child will meet their maker as well, it just might not be at birth. It may be long after Cameron and I are gone. So we have to remember the lesson that God taught us through Caroline; our children are not ours, but God's. We still have a responsibility, certainly, to be parents. We won't neglect that responsibility, but we also have to realize that our children are still in God's hands. He is sovereign. His will is going to be accomplished, and He will be glorified. I have to trust Him to take care of my children. I have a responsibility to take care of my children in the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs that arise in their lives. But the ability to do that comes from God. He provides me the means to take care of them. He's still in control. I simply pass along His grace to my children. He loves them more than I can, and I love Caroline and will love any future children a whole heck of a lot. But I have to parent them with the understanding that God's the one in charge ultimately.
That brings me to another point. In order to be ready to have another child, I have to be ready to lose another child. No pregnancy guarantees a healthy child. Anyone can lose a child during or right after pregnancy. If I can't rely on God enough to trust Him to give me His best no matter what happens, I'm not ready. In other words, I have to be at peace with God's will, regardless. I have to be willing to accept that God may decide He wants us to lose our next child. I hope not, and I pray not, but the fact of the matter is, God may ask us to do that again. It may not be anencephaly, but it may be something. That doesn't mean I'm morbid, or that I'm expecting that, but I have to remember that God is my refuge, that He's sovereign and in charge, and that His will is what's best. His will is to bring Himself glory, and I play my part in whatever way He deems. I've come to the point where I've accepted that. If He requires me to lose another child, then to Him be the glory. I know He will be faithful to me and carry me through, just as He did with Caroline. Like I said, I hope that's not what happens, and I'm not expecting it, but I'm not in charge.
Cameron and I are in agreement on these things. Our ultimate goal is to glorify God with our lives, including how we parent our children. That includes how we handle pregnancy. It also includes how we think about things before God blesses us that way again, if He chooses to. I want to remember the lessons He taught us with Caroline. I have to love Christ first. If I love anything or anyone more than Him, I'm wrong. If I look forward to another pregnancy more than I look forward to knowing Him more and making Him known, I'm off. Does that means I can't look forward to another pregnancy? No. I am looking forward to it, when the time is right and God sees fit to make it happen. I don't know when that will be, if ever. But for now, I also know that my walk with the Lord is foremost. It's the most important thing to me, even though I am far from perfect in living my life.
I want to see Him glorified. I want to see Him known. And if He can use another pregnancy and another child to show His glory through me, then I'm all for it. If He has other plans, then I'm ok with that too. To Him be the glory, no matter what happens.
Shall I explain? Ok.
We have been getting The Question a lot lately. The Question entails some form of "Are you guys going to have another kid? If so, when?"
Since we've been getting The Question so frequently lately, I figured I might as well blog about it and answer everyone at the same time. Hopefully all this will make sense.
The answer is, yes, we'd like more children, if that is God's will for us. As far as when, that will depend on God's plan, as well as our own emotional health. That has always been true, and nothing has changed. We always wanted more than one child, and even if Caroline would have survived, we would want another one. The difference now is that Caroline did not survive, so we might have another one sooner than we would have had she lived.
I want to be 100% clear, however. We do not want another child because Caroline is with Jesus. We want another child because, if it's God's will for us, we want to glorify Him with each child. There are a lot of emotions and thoughts involved now because we lost Caroline, but I want to share a few things with you that Cameron and I have come to understand.
First of all, Caroline was, is, and will always be our first child. Nothing will change that. No subsequent children will replace her. Having another child will not make everything better in our loss of Caroline. I think a lot of people think that if we just "hurry up and get pregnant again," that having that next child will somehow alleviate the pain of losing Caroline, or make things less difficult. People can accept and relate to expecting a child. Not everyone can relate to losing one. They know what to say to people expecting a child. They don't know what to say when someone loses a child. In some ways, it will be easier on everyone if/when I get pregnant again, because the elephant in the room will be smaller. I don't say all this to be mean or callused. I just want to lay it all out there. Having another child will change nothing in regards to Caroline. We'll just have something else to look forward to here on earth.
But that child is still a gift from God, and is still only on loan to us while we're on earth. Someday, that next child will meet their maker as well, it just might not be at birth. It may be long after Cameron and I are gone. So we have to remember the lesson that God taught us through Caroline; our children are not ours, but God's. We still have a responsibility, certainly, to be parents. We won't neglect that responsibility, but we also have to realize that our children are still in God's hands. He is sovereign. His will is going to be accomplished, and He will be glorified. I have to trust Him to take care of my children. I have a responsibility to take care of my children in the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs that arise in their lives. But the ability to do that comes from God. He provides me the means to take care of them. He's still in control. I simply pass along His grace to my children. He loves them more than I can, and I love Caroline and will love any future children a whole heck of a lot. But I have to parent them with the understanding that God's the one in charge ultimately.
That brings me to another point. In order to be ready to have another child, I have to be ready to lose another child. No pregnancy guarantees a healthy child. Anyone can lose a child during or right after pregnancy. If I can't rely on God enough to trust Him to give me His best no matter what happens, I'm not ready. In other words, I have to be at peace with God's will, regardless. I have to be willing to accept that God may decide He wants us to lose our next child. I hope not, and I pray not, but the fact of the matter is, God may ask us to do that again. It may not be anencephaly, but it may be something. That doesn't mean I'm morbid, or that I'm expecting that, but I have to remember that God is my refuge, that He's sovereign and in charge, and that His will is what's best. His will is to bring Himself glory, and I play my part in whatever way He deems. I've come to the point where I've accepted that. If He requires me to lose another child, then to Him be the glory. I know He will be faithful to me and carry me through, just as He did with Caroline. Like I said, I hope that's not what happens, and I'm not expecting it, but I'm not in charge.
Cameron and I are in agreement on these things. Our ultimate goal is to glorify God with our lives, including how we parent our children. That includes how we handle pregnancy. It also includes how we think about things before God blesses us that way again, if He chooses to. I want to remember the lessons He taught us with Caroline. I have to love Christ first. If I love anything or anyone more than Him, I'm wrong. If I look forward to another pregnancy more than I look forward to knowing Him more and making Him known, I'm off. Does that means I can't look forward to another pregnancy? No. I am looking forward to it, when the time is right and God sees fit to make it happen. I don't know when that will be, if ever. But for now, I also know that my walk with the Lord is foremost. It's the most important thing to me, even though I am far from perfect in living my life.
I want to see Him glorified. I want to see Him known. And if He can use another pregnancy and another child to show His glory through me, then I'm all for it. If He has other plans, then I'm ok with that too. To Him be the glory, no matter what happens.
Friday, May 4, 2012
A couple pics
So...after a very serious post yesterday, it's time for something a little nicer. Pictures!
Caroline's headstone came in not too long ago. My amazing dad went down and gave her some flowers. Makes my heart happy. :)
And then I finally got some of her stuff put into a shadow box frame.
I think it turned out pretty well. Now if I can just figure out where I want to hang it, we'll be in business. Haha.
Just thought I'd share. :)
Caroline's headstone came in not too long ago. My amazing dad went down and gave her some flowers. Makes my heart happy. :)
And then I finally got some of her stuff put into a shadow box frame.
Just thought I'd share. :)
Thursday, May 3, 2012
A Tough Subject
I just want to warn you that if you are easily riled up, you might not want to read this post. I'm giving you fair warning. This is an emotionally, politically, and socially volatile topic, so if you can't handle it, don't go any further. I'm going to do my best not to use inflammatory vocabulary because I want to speak clearly and strongly, but compassionately. I don't want anything to get lost in emotional translation. The viewpoint I will espouse in this post is socially unpopular, but it is something I feel very strongly about. This is also going to be a rather long post. I know, not terribly unusual for me, but hey.
At this point, you're probably asking why I don't just get on with it. I will, I promise. I just wanted to make a few things clear first. :)
So what is this topic, you ask? You might have already guessed it.
Abortion.
I've already lost some of you at this point. That's ok. I hope that those of you who are still reading can hear my heart and will take the time to hear me out. I decided I needed to say something about this because I've recently been convicted that I've been a coward when it comes to this subject. I've mentioned it briefly on this blog, mostly just saying that we chose not to terminate Caroline when that option was offered. For us, it was never really an option, but it was offered to us. We did have to make the decision. So I'm not coming at this from a completely ignorant perspective. I've been faced with the choice, I had to decide, so I'm not ignorant of some of the emotions going through people's minds when they also are faced with this choice. That's why I feel like I need to say something.
I say I've been a coward because I haven't wanted to talk about this in any substantial way. I'm ashamed of myself because of that. I have never wavered in my beliefs on this issue, but I have wavered on how committed I am to talking about it. My beliefs are unpopular, and people have a tendency to get rather angry when I voice them, so I kinda just...stopped. I cannot, in good conscience, continue with that. I can no longer remain silent. I'm sure you can gather from what I've said that I don't agree with abortion. I do think it is morally wrong. I believe life begins at conception, and that "terminating" a pregnancy is actually ending a life. I believe that God is sovereign, and that every child conceived was intentional and "planned," even if it's a surprise to the parents. They are special, unique creations of God that He personally knits together in a mother's womb. I'll share more specifically my beliefs as I go.
I want to start with a little bit of science for those who do not share my spiritual beliefs. I'm not claiming in any way to be an expert on reproductive, genetic, or biological science. I know enough to pass all the science classes I had to take in school, and a little bit from my own study, but not a whole lot. My knowledge is not exhaustive. But I do feel like I have a general grasp of the basics and can therefore speak intelligently on the subject. My point here is not to debate, but simply to share my own beliefs.
It confuses me that one of the arguments used to justify abortion is that the baby in a mother's womb is simply a part of her body to do with as she chooses. First, the "mass of cells" referred to as an embryo or fetus does not contain only the mother's genetics, but the father's as well. In fact, from the moment of conception, the DNA of a child in utero is unique from both mother and father. It is a completely separate genetic code. Yes, it has genetic markers from both parents, but it is unique. How, then, can the "embryo" or "fetus" simply be a part of the mother's body? It's a completely separate organism with a distinct genetic code all its own. It is indeed reliant on the mother for survival, but, well...isn't an infant? Without someone's care, wouldn't an infant die? If the measure of life is going to be reliant upon self-sustainability, should we cease to use CPR, ventilators, pace makers, or life support at all?
Something else I don't completely understand is trying to put a gestational age on when it becomes a life. There are premature babies in NICUs all over the country that are being kept alive by heroic efforts, when they could legally be aborted at the same gestational age. A premie can be in a mother's arms, even if it's through an incubator, at 24 weeks gestational age, surviving through medical intervention, while that same child, if it was still in utero, could be legally killed in the same hospital.
As a quick foray into the legal realm, of which I have an admittedly more limited knowledge, I just want to mention one thing. If a pregnant woman is attacked, and she loses the baby, the attacker can be charged with killing the baby. I realize this isn't always the case, and it isn't cut and dry, but the fact of the matter is, it's possible. Why is it that if a child is wanted, but killed, it's a crime, while if a child is NOT wanted and killed, it's a choice? I just don't understand this.
Please hear me when I say this; I'm not trying to judge or condemn anyone for whatever choice they've made. I obviously know there are a lot of people who disagree with me on this subject. I'm going to continue shortly with some of my theological reasoning, but I wanted to pause here to say this. I know that MOST people who choose abortion don't do so flippantly. I know many people wrestle with the decision. I know it's often difficult. I'm not trying to denigrate anyone, or claim I'm better or stronger. I'm not. I'm an imperfect creature with as much propensity to choose wrongly as anyone else. I am not immune to immoral decision making. I make mistakes all the time. That doesn't mean I have to accept the behavior, however.
I have several scriptures I want to share, hoping it can shed some light on the theological reasons for my beliefs about abortion. The first is Psalm 139:5-16.
"You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
To me, this Scripture proclaims God's individual care and creation of every human being. God is intricately involved in putting a tiny person together. God knows us while we're still being formed. He's involved with us before we're born. He knows everything about us before we're born. If God, the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe, cares so deeply about a child in utero, how can I ignore His example? If I trust in this God, I must also treat the new, growing, forming life of a baby in utero with as much respect as He does.
Another is Exodus 21:22-24.
"If men who are fighting hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman’s husband demands and the court allows. But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise."
I find it interesting that this verse so specifically points out that unborn children are valuable. If someone causes harm to the child because it's born prematurely, God directed His people to be serious in punishing that crime. While this isn't specifically about voluntary abortion, I think the point still holds true. Unborn children are valuable to God.
Another: Psalm 22:9-10:
"Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother’s breast. From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God."
The last phrase of this gets me. "From my mother's womb you have been my God." It seems like even in the womb God knew David, the author of this Psalm, that there was a relationship even then.
Isaiah 44:24:
"This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb:
I am the LORD, who has made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself,"
From the individual child, formed in a mother's womb, to all of heaven and earth...God does it all. How can we not see that each child in utero is God's workmanship, and that He takes great pleasure and pride in that creation?
Jeremiah 1:5:
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
God knows us before we're even conceived, so of course He knows us and loves us after conception. He has a plan for us from before we're even in the womb, so wouldn't He have one once we're there? A child developing, at God's hand, in a mother's womb, is a loved child with a specific plan for their life. We should not alter that plan by ending that life.
Luke 1:44:
"As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy."
This is Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist, speaking to Mary, the mother of Jesus. The child in her womb leaped for joy. That is a specifically human reaction. How could a non-life have a human reaction?
All through Scripture, there is evidence that God values and wants to protect the unborn. If that is true, then we should do the same.
From here I'm going to rely on some of my own personal feelings and anecdotes. I know that these will probably have the least influence on anyone's opinions, especially if they differ from mine, but I'd like to share them anyway.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Caroline, I was in shock but ecstatic. It happened sooner than I expected, but from the moment I knew she existed, I loved Caroline. I knew there was a child, a new life, growing inside me, and I treasured it and valued it. I read books about the development of the baby for each week. I had an app on my iphone that told me what was going on weekly, complete with pictures. I saw the first sonogram when we went in to the OB for the first time, and I was in awe. She was moving around even then. It blew my mind just finding out about what was going on as she developed.
At 18 weeks, when we found out about her anencepahly, one of the first questions they asked us after they confirmed the diagnosis was if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy. I really dislike that terminology. Do you realize we use the same word for abortion- terminate- that Hitler used to describe his systematic killing of Jews and other "undesirables" in Nazi Germany? It dehumanizes the victims. It makes us feel better because it's not "killing," but "terminating." It hurts my heart to think about it. And even after having gone through this whole experience of pain and loss, having that extra ten weeks with Caroline was incredible. I would have missed out on so much had I ended her life. She wasn't done yet. God's plan for her wasn't done yet. And because I chose to keep her and carry her, I got to experience some of the best days of my life. I can't even imagine any other alternatives.
Sonograms blow my mind. To be able to see your child moving around on a screen is just incredible. Once, Caroline had the hiccups. It was hilarious. You could watch her heart beating. You could see her kicking her legs like a little soccer player. You could see her holding her hands by her face as if she were trying to hide from us. Even at 18 weeks we could see some amazing things. And at that point, it was entirely legal to end her life, even had she not had any health issues. I just can't imagine.
Feeling her move was another thing. She had a mind of her own. She moved when she wanted, she wedged herself where she wanted. She was her own little person, even if she was inside my belly. She was part me and part Cameron. She wasn't just another piece of my body. She was Caroline.
As I rap up this extremely long and emotional post, I want to say this. I serve a great and mighty God. He created me. He created you. He creates every human being that ever makes an appearance on this earth, wanted or not wanted by the earthly parents who have a part in conceiving it. He sent His Son to live in a womb for 9 1/2 months, so that He could grow up and die on a cross and rise victorious over death, for all the other babies He has created. You and me included. Christ was not a part of Mary's body to do with as she pleased. He was a living human being, God incarnate, sent here to save us.
You know what the awesome part is? He died and was risen so he could offer us forgiveness and salvation. Even for abortion. If you've chosen abortion, He's willing to forgive you and heal you. He loves you, and has since YOU were in YOUR mother's womb. He knit YOU together. And the power that He has to create new life in a mother's womb is the same great power He has to love us, forgive us, and hold us close forever. You just have to ask Him and accept His gift. He creates a new life for you when you accept Him.
I know what I've said here can be divisive. I know it's not a pleasant subject. I know my beliefs are unpopular. I didn't even touch on all the "what-ifs"- What if a baby is conceived by rape? What if the child is disabled? What if the mother's health is at risk? I didn't get into politics or social agendas. I don't want to go there. I've already said so much here. I'd be happy to discuss it with you if you want to contact me at the email address in the contact tab at the top of this blog. Just please do it respectfully. Don't send me hatemail. I've heard it all before anyway. But like I said at the beginning of this post...I just couldn't refuse to say something anymore. This is too important not to talk about. If you made it all this way...I congratulate you. This was a book. I appreciate your perseverance. Haha. May God bless you all.
I hope this has at least given you some things to think about. I hope I've said all of this compassionately but boldly. I pray, like always, that God is glorified here. Thanks for reading.
At this point, you're probably asking why I don't just get on with it. I will, I promise. I just wanted to make a few things clear first. :)
So what is this topic, you ask? You might have already guessed it.
Abortion.
I've already lost some of you at this point. That's ok. I hope that those of you who are still reading can hear my heart and will take the time to hear me out. I decided I needed to say something about this because I've recently been convicted that I've been a coward when it comes to this subject. I've mentioned it briefly on this blog, mostly just saying that we chose not to terminate Caroline when that option was offered. For us, it was never really an option, but it was offered to us. We did have to make the decision. So I'm not coming at this from a completely ignorant perspective. I've been faced with the choice, I had to decide, so I'm not ignorant of some of the emotions going through people's minds when they also are faced with this choice. That's why I feel like I need to say something.
I say I've been a coward because I haven't wanted to talk about this in any substantial way. I'm ashamed of myself because of that. I have never wavered in my beliefs on this issue, but I have wavered on how committed I am to talking about it. My beliefs are unpopular, and people have a tendency to get rather angry when I voice them, so I kinda just...stopped. I cannot, in good conscience, continue with that. I can no longer remain silent. I'm sure you can gather from what I've said that I don't agree with abortion. I do think it is morally wrong. I believe life begins at conception, and that "terminating" a pregnancy is actually ending a life. I believe that God is sovereign, and that every child conceived was intentional and "planned," even if it's a surprise to the parents. They are special, unique creations of God that He personally knits together in a mother's womb. I'll share more specifically my beliefs as I go.
I want to start with a little bit of science for those who do not share my spiritual beliefs. I'm not claiming in any way to be an expert on reproductive, genetic, or biological science. I know enough to pass all the science classes I had to take in school, and a little bit from my own study, but not a whole lot. My knowledge is not exhaustive. But I do feel like I have a general grasp of the basics and can therefore speak intelligently on the subject. My point here is not to debate, but simply to share my own beliefs.
It confuses me that one of the arguments used to justify abortion is that the baby in a mother's womb is simply a part of her body to do with as she chooses. First, the "mass of cells" referred to as an embryo or fetus does not contain only the mother's genetics, but the father's as well. In fact, from the moment of conception, the DNA of a child in utero is unique from both mother and father. It is a completely separate genetic code. Yes, it has genetic markers from both parents, but it is unique. How, then, can the "embryo" or "fetus" simply be a part of the mother's body? It's a completely separate organism with a distinct genetic code all its own. It is indeed reliant on the mother for survival, but, well...isn't an infant? Without someone's care, wouldn't an infant die? If the measure of life is going to be reliant upon self-sustainability, should we cease to use CPR, ventilators, pace makers, or life support at all?
Something else I don't completely understand is trying to put a gestational age on when it becomes a life. There are premature babies in NICUs all over the country that are being kept alive by heroic efforts, when they could legally be aborted at the same gestational age. A premie can be in a mother's arms, even if it's through an incubator, at 24 weeks gestational age, surviving through medical intervention, while that same child, if it was still in utero, could be legally killed in the same hospital.
As a quick foray into the legal realm, of which I have an admittedly more limited knowledge, I just want to mention one thing. If a pregnant woman is attacked, and she loses the baby, the attacker can be charged with killing the baby. I realize this isn't always the case, and it isn't cut and dry, but the fact of the matter is, it's possible. Why is it that if a child is wanted, but killed, it's a crime, while if a child is NOT wanted and killed, it's a choice? I just don't understand this.
Please hear me when I say this; I'm not trying to judge or condemn anyone for whatever choice they've made. I obviously know there are a lot of people who disagree with me on this subject. I'm going to continue shortly with some of my theological reasoning, but I wanted to pause here to say this. I know that MOST people who choose abortion don't do so flippantly. I know many people wrestle with the decision. I know it's often difficult. I'm not trying to denigrate anyone, or claim I'm better or stronger. I'm not. I'm an imperfect creature with as much propensity to choose wrongly as anyone else. I am not immune to immoral decision making. I make mistakes all the time. That doesn't mean I have to accept the behavior, however.
I have several scriptures I want to share, hoping it can shed some light on the theological reasons for my beliefs about abortion. The first is Psalm 139:5-16.
"You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
To me, this Scripture proclaims God's individual care and creation of every human being. God is intricately involved in putting a tiny person together. God knows us while we're still being formed. He's involved with us before we're born. He knows everything about us before we're born. If God, the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe, cares so deeply about a child in utero, how can I ignore His example? If I trust in this God, I must also treat the new, growing, forming life of a baby in utero with as much respect as He does.
Another is Exodus 21:22-24.
"If men who are fighting hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman’s husband demands and the court allows. But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise."
I find it interesting that this verse so specifically points out that unborn children are valuable. If someone causes harm to the child because it's born prematurely, God directed His people to be serious in punishing that crime. While this isn't specifically about voluntary abortion, I think the point still holds true. Unborn children are valuable to God.
Another: Psalm 22:9-10:
"Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother’s breast. From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God."
The last phrase of this gets me. "From my mother's womb you have been my God." It seems like even in the womb God knew David, the author of this Psalm, that there was a relationship even then.
Isaiah 44:24:
"This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb:
I am the LORD, who has made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself,"
From the individual child, formed in a mother's womb, to all of heaven and earth...God does it all. How can we not see that each child in utero is God's workmanship, and that He takes great pleasure and pride in that creation?
Jeremiah 1:5:
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
God knows us before we're even conceived, so of course He knows us and loves us after conception. He has a plan for us from before we're even in the womb, so wouldn't He have one once we're there? A child developing, at God's hand, in a mother's womb, is a loved child with a specific plan for their life. We should not alter that plan by ending that life.
Luke 1:44:
"As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy."
This is Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist, speaking to Mary, the mother of Jesus. The child in her womb leaped for joy. That is a specifically human reaction. How could a non-life have a human reaction?
All through Scripture, there is evidence that God values and wants to protect the unborn. If that is true, then we should do the same.
From here I'm going to rely on some of my own personal feelings and anecdotes. I know that these will probably have the least influence on anyone's opinions, especially if they differ from mine, but I'd like to share them anyway.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Caroline, I was in shock but ecstatic. It happened sooner than I expected, but from the moment I knew she existed, I loved Caroline. I knew there was a child, a new life, growing inside me, and I treasured it and valued it. I read books about the development of the baby for each week. I had an app on my iphone that told me what was going on weekly, complete with pictures. I saw the first sonogram when we went in to the OB for the first time, and I was in awe. She was moving around even then. It blew my mind just finding out about what was going on as she developed.
At 18 weeks, when we found out about her anencepahly, one of the first questions they asked us after they confirmed the diagnosis was if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy. I really dislike that terminology. Do you realize we use the same word for abortion- terminate- that Hitler used to describe his systematic killing of Jews and other "undesirables" in Nazi Germany? It dehumanizes the victims. It makes us feel better because it's not "killing," but "terminating." It hurts my heart to think about it. And even after having gone through this whole experience of pain and loss, having that extra ten weeks with Caroline was incredible. I would have missed out on so much had I ended her life. She wasn't done yet. God's plan for her wasn't done yet. And because I chose to keep her and carry her, I got to experience some of the best days of my life. I can't even imagine any other alternatives.
Sonograms blow my mind. To be able to see your child moving around on a screen is just incredible. Once, Caroline had the hiccups. It was hilarious. You could watch her heart beating. You could see her kicking her legs like a little soccer player. You could see her holding her hands by her face as if she were trying to hide from us. Even at 18 weeks we could see some amazing things. And at that point, it was entirely legal to end her life, even had she not had any health issues. I just can't imagine.
Feeling her move was another thing. She had a mind of her own. She moved when she wanted, she wedged herself where she wanted. She was her own little person, even if she was inside my belly. She was part me and part Cameron. She wasn't just another piece of my body. She was Caroline.
As I rap up this extremely long and emotional post, I want to say this. I serve a great and mighty God. He created me. He created you. He creates every human being that ever makes an appearance on this earth, wanted or not wanted by the earthly parents who have a part in conceiving it. He sent His Son to live in a womb for 9 1/2 months, so that He could grow up and die on a cross and rise victorious over death, for all the other babies He has created. You and me included. Christ was not a part of Mary's body to do with as she pleased. He was a living human being, God incarnate, sent here to save us.
You know what the awesome part is? He died and was risen so he could offer us forgiveness and salvation. Even for abortion. If you've chosen abortion, He's willing to forgive you and heal you. He loves you, and has since YOU were in YOUR mother's womb. He knit YOU together. And the power that He has to create new life in a mother's womb is the same great power He has to love us, forgive us, and hold us close forever. You just have to ask Him and accept His gift. He creates a new life for you when you accept Him.
I know what I've said here can be divisive. I know it's not a pleasant subject. I know my beliefs are unpopular. I didn't even touch on all the "what-ifs"- What if a baby is conceived by rape? What if the child is disabled? What if the mother's health is at risk? I didn't get into politics or social agendas. I don't want to go there. I've already said so much here. I'd be happy to discuss it with you if you want to contact me at the email address in the contact tab at the top of this blog. Just please do it respectfully. Don't send me hatemail. I've heard it all before anyway. But like I said at the beginning of this post...I just couldn't refuse to say something anymore. This is too important not to talk about. If you made it all this way...I congratulate you. This was a book. I appreciate your perseverance. Haha. May God bless you all.
I hope this has at least given you some things to think about. I hope I've said all of this compassionately but boldly. I pray, like always, that God is glorified here. Thanks for reading.
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