This past week was a little...interesting. While I still consistently felt God's grace guiding me along, I was worn. out. Completely. My poor husband can testify...I was not fun to live with. Pregnancy hormones + emotionally draining situation = bad news. Haha. But truly, it's been a little over a month since the diagnosis, and it is just outright wearying. It is wearing me down. It's a heavy burden to bear, and it's one I have to constantly carry. Well...kinda. I have a little help. By a little, I mean a lot. But it is something I have to live with everyday, and it's not easy.
Part of my way of dealing with things is to talk to my mom. She is a great tangible comfort and support for me, and she thinks a lot like I do, so she "gets" me when I'm not making much sense. We don't always talk about our situation, but just talking for a little while helps to ease the burden. Yesterday we talked about how God just showed up for us during church in an almost tangible way. My mom shared that she just felt almost like a literal, physical burden was lifted from her shoulders while she was worshiping, and it was such a sweet time for her to feel renewed. It was funny, because that was pretty much exactly how I felt at church yesterday. Apparently, God knew that we both needed a reprieve from the "suffering" that we constantly deal with. I had other members of my family share similar experiences.
Oh, I serve a great God. He doesn't forget us in our times of trouble. Far from it. Instead, he gives us what we need when we don't even realize that we need it. The longer I live through this nightmare, the more present and real God is to me. I have been a believer since I was 7 years old, and I have struggled and grown in my faith in stages as I've gotten older, but not until now does any of it seem important. I absolutely believe that whatever has happened in my life up to this point was to prepare me for this trial and whatever will come later. But this trial is forcing my faith into entirely new levels. It's like a teenage growth spurt, but spiritually. Haha.
It touched me that God provided relief for me and several members of my family on the same day. It was a little nudge to remind me that He is still in control, even to the point of deciding which days to reveal his goodness and grace to us in a tangible way during worship. There was no coincidence here. It was on purpose. And it was proof to me that God is still very present with me and my family, and He's not abandoning us as time goes on.
In fact, I have felt so loved and supported this weekend that I can't contain the gratitude in my heart. He has sent some amazing people into my life, and a bunch of them just showed me His love this weekend. I met up with one friend on Friday to talk and be supported, and God used it to show me some of my own shortcomings in this whole situation. That helps me, even though it is sometimes painful to admit that I'm not doing something God's way. I also spent some time with a wonderful friend on Saturday, and I was able to talk to her and feel completely supported and understood, without judgment or pre-conceptions. Church on Sunday, as I mentioned in yesterday's post, was a time of renewal and rest. And I received several things in the mail over the past few days that gave me tangible evidence that people care about me and are remembering me in my time of hardship. It means so much to me that people care. God is so good to give me such wonderful friends and family.
My husband, God bless him, also decided I needed to get some messages of encouragement. He posted on his blog (linked to the left under Helpful Links) that he wanted people to message me with encouragement. So I've gotten some of that too. Thanks to those of you who did. :)
Today is a new day. I woke up feeling so much better than I have in the past week. His mercies are new every morning, for sure. Last week, I wondered how I was going to get through the next few months bearing this burden. God spoke loud and clear to me this weekend...I'm going to be able to do it because He's taking care of me. He's in control, and He's got it all figured out, even though I don't. When this situation with Caroline starts to get too heavy for me, He's there to take it off my shoulders. I just have to keep trusting Him to take it and not try to hold on to it myself. It's a reminder He keeps sending me, through other people, through Scripture, through songs, through a quiet whisper from the Holy Spirit. As long as we face this trial, I will keep trying to remember, and I will keep relying on Him for grace to show me the way, even when I stumble and fail.
I am so grateful I have a God that cares about me so much. And one who sends people into my path to encourage and uplift me. Thank you, all of you who are supporting and encouraging me. And thank you, Lord, for being such an amazing God, big enough to make all this happen for my good.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
How Great is Our God
I've noticed that since we got Caroline's diagnosis, my worship at church has been much more sincere and authentic. It's kind of hard to hear words that point to God's glory and goodness and not be moved. In a lot of ways I'm so emotionally vulnerable right now that a lot of things are affecting me more than normal. But I know that part of the reason worship means more to me than it has in a while is because my relationship with God is so much more at the forefront right not. I hope it will always be this way, even when some of the emotions begin to fade. Having my focus be truly where it is supposed to be is such a sweet and merciful place to be. Communion with the Father through the Spirit is getting me through each day.
One of the songs we sang today was "How Great is Our God" by Chris Tomlin. I've always liked that song but today it hit me once again. There was not a whole lot in this song that pointed toward our specific situation, but focusing on God's greatness was something God apparently wanted me to do today.
Over the past month or so, I have really been focusing on God's grace and mercy, on his comfort and strength, and on his power to do miracles. Today God reminded me that He is great just because He is God. He is eternal, He is powerful, and He is great. It was a time for me to be humbled today. I've been so caught up in what I need/want from God, I haven't spent much time just praising Him for being who He is. He deserves my praise and adoration regardless what He's doing for me right now.
Even with that revelation...I can't help but share what He's done and praise Him for it. He truly has lavished me with grace and mercy. He has given me supernatural strength to handle this situation. He has comforted me when I have been beyond comfort, and He has shown me His power to reassure my faith. He is so great because He knows what I need before I even ask Him, and He just...takes care of me. In some ways I want to echo David in Psalm 8:4 when he said, "what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" Who am I that He would care so intimately for me? Why does He spend some of His infinite power on my situation? Why does He bother to show me His grace and love in such abundance?
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." -John 3:16-17
"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."-Deuteronomy 7:9
"Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!" -Psalm 66:20
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8
It doesn't matter why. God IS love. It's who He is. It's part of His character to show it to us, regardless of whether or not we deserve it. For, in fact, we DON'T deserve it. I know I don't. That's part of why I have been so humbled by His gracious love during this difficult time. He has given me far more than I ever deserved.
I've had some people tell me that if anyone deserves a miracle, it's us. I am flattered that they would think us worthy of a miracle...but we're not. No more than anyone else. God desires righteousness, surely, but He doesn't desire it as a way to measure us on a scale against others. His mercy and grace is not reliant on how good we are or how much we deserve it. Our righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6), because we are sinful creatures. God gives out of his goodness, not because of our goodness.
If God gives us a healing miracle, it's not for us or because of us. It's so He can be glorified in our lives. God loves us, and wants to give us good things. I think Caroline would qualify as a good thing. Haha. But it's not about us, ultimately. It's about Him. That's how I can live with the thought that He may not heal our baby girl. That's how I can still praise Him in the midst of the uncertainty. Our God is great, and He is way bigger and more important than I am. When my focus is where it's supposed to be, it's a lot easier to let Him be in control, and to let Him guide my thoughts and actions. It makes it a lot easier to CHOOSE to follow Him in every thought, every emotion, every decision. That's truly what I have to do. I have to choose every moment of every day how I'm going to handle this situation. It's never far from my mind. It's never completely gone from my mind. And every time a thought comes into my head about Caroline, I have to choose whether to be angry and bitter or humble and grateful. It is not an easy decision.
So in all of this, I must remember that our God is great. When He is the focus, and He is in control, things go so much better. And He is great. Only a great God could be getting me through this without losing my mind.
So.
"How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God!"
One of the songs we sang today was "How Great is Our God" by Chris Tomlin. I've always liked that song but today it hit me once again. There was not a whole lot in this song that pointed toward our specific situation, but focusing on God's greatness was something God apparently wanted me to do today.
Over the past month or so, I have really been focusing on God's grace and mercy, on his comfort and strength, and on his power to do miracles. Today God reminded me that He is great just because He is God. He is eternal, He is powerful, and He is great. It was a time for me to be humbled today. I've been so caught up in what I need/want from God, I haven't spent much time just praising Him for being who He is. He deserves my praise and adoration regardless what He's doing for me right now.
Even with that revelation...I can't help but share what He's done and praise Him for it. He truly has lavished me with grace and mercy. He has given me supernatural strength to handle this situation. He has comforted me when I have been beyond comfort, and He has shown me His power to reassure my faith. He is so great because He knows what I need before I even ask Him, and He just...takes care of me. In some ways I want to echo David in Psalm 8:4 when he said, "what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" Who am I that He would care so intimately for me? Why does He spend some of His infinite power on my situation? Why does He bother to show me His grace and love in such abundance?
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." -John 3:16-17
"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."-Deuteronomy 7:9
"Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!" -Psalm 66:20
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8
It doesn't matter why. God IS love. It's who He is. It's part of His character to show it to us, regardless of whether or not we deserve it. For, in fact, we DON'T deserve it. I know I don't. That's part of why I have been so humbled by His gracious love during this difficult time. He has given me far more than I ever deserved.
I've had some people tell me that if anyone deserves a miracle, it's us. I am flattered that they would think us worthy of a miracle...but we're not. No more than anyone else. God desires righteousness, surely, but He doesn't desire it as a way to measure us on a scale against others. His mercy and grace is not reliant on how good we are or how much we deserve it. Our righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6), because we are sinful creatures. God gives out of his goodness, not because of our goodness.
If God gives us a healing miracle, it's not for us or because of us. It's so He can be glorified in our lives. God loves us, and wants to give us good things. I think Caroline would qualify as a good thing. Haha. But it's not about us, ultimately. It's about Him. That's how I can live with the thought that He may not heal our baby girl. That's how I can still praise Him in the midst of the uncertainty. Our God is great, and He is way bigger and more important than I am. When my focus is where it's supposed to be, it's a lot easier to let Him be in control, and to let Him guide my thoughts and actions. It makes it a lot easier to CHOOSE to follow Him in every thought, every emotion, every decision. That's truly what I have to do. I have to choose every moment of every day how I'm going to handle this situation. It's never far from my mind. It's never completely gone from my mind. And every time a thought comes into my head about Caroline, I have to choose whether to be angry and bitter or humble and grateful. It is not an easy decision.
So in all of this, I must remember that our God is great. When He is the focus, and He is in control, things go so much better. And He is great. Only a great God could be getting me through this without losing my mind.
So.
"How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God!"
Monday, November 7, 2011
The Truth
As time goes on, I wonder if things are getting easier or harder to deal with. On one hand, the distance from the shock of Caroline's diagnosis makes it easier to accept. On the other hand, the passage of time means the emotional strain increases, and the time I have with Caroline is growing shorter, barring our healing miracle.
So really, it's not really easier or harder. Some days are easier, some are harder. It just depends on the day. I usually have more good days than bad days, but I still have bad days. Those are the days when I let fear and anxiety take root in my mind and heart. They're the days when I can't find the motivation to do anything. They're the days when I just let myself feel sad and helpless and hopeless. The hope and grace of God are never far distant, I just don't pay as much attention to them on my bad days.
It's definitely emotionally draining to live with this. It's not something that can be resolved quickly or prettily, it's not something you can really ignore until it goes away. It's not something you can easily dismiss from your mind. That's probably the worst part of this whole deal. It's like a never-ending horror scene playing over and over in my brain. I can "look away" for a while by distracting myself with other things, but it's always there in the background, waiting for me to look back at it. I can try to change the images to something more positive, and that sometimes works for a while. But it does seem like no matter what, I always end up looking back at the horror.
Then there are the physical things. My belly is growing, it seems like daily. I feel Caroline kicking all the time. I can't really ignore her presence. It's somewhat surreal. I know I have her for now, and I know that my pregnancy is progressing "normally" for now, but it almost feels like this is some other-worldly experience, and the end result is that I don't get the fun stuff when it's all over. I'm pregnant, I feel my baby, and yet I know that when she's born, it's very unlikely I'll get to keep her for any amount of time. It's very unlikely she'll ever come home to our house. I won't have a nursery, I won't get to do all the fun mom-to-be stuff. It's just weird to think about having a child, going through all the stuff before she comes just like normal, and then...that's it. There will be no normal at her birth, or after it, unless God decides differently.
Sonograms aren't "fun" for me, even though I do enjoy aspects of them. I love seeing Caroline moving around, giving the doctors a hard time by not being in a position they need her to be in to get certain pictures. I love projecting a personality on her. I love having pictures of her to take home, as a memory of her. I hate seeing evidence of her condition. I hate going in to the doctor's office with anxiety, hoping everything is still ok, wondering if I'll see her healed miraculously. Sonograms should be fun, getting to see your baby, watching her grow, getting excited for her to come into the world.
On my bad days, I feel really gypped. I don't get any of the "fun."
It is difficult for me to pull myself out of that thought process sometimes. It is only by the grace of God that I can. It takes supernatural effort. He has to remind me that he has a plan for me, to prosper me and not harm me, to give me a hope and future (Jeremiah 29:11). He has to remind me that his grace is sufficient for me, because his power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He has to remind me that he will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:8). He has to remind me that he's been there, given up a child in his Son. He has to reassure me that I don't need to be anxious, but I do need to pray, with thanksgiving, so that his supernatural peace can guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:6-7). My natural inclination is to sit in that pool of self-pity and despair, to marinate in the "unfairness" of this situation, to stew in my own hurt and self-righteousness. It is truly only through his love and grace that I don't stay there. He won't let me.
It doesn't mean I always like it, or that I'm very good at listening to him. It's just a good thing he doesn't pay attention to my shortcomings, but comes along-side me to carry me through my bad days because he's perfect. And amazing.
It still hurts to think I won't get to celebrate Caroline's first birthday, or any birthday for that matter. It still stings to feel her kicking and know that unless God intervenes, this is all I get with her. I still get scared that I won't be able to stand up under the constant weight of anxiety and uncertainty. I still hate that I won't be able to go shopping for all the cute little frilly clothes I pass in stores all the time. It just hurts to know I probably won't get to have a relationship with her here on earth, to get to know her personality. It hurts a lot. And in those moments of pain, I don't want to praise the Lord. I don't want to rejoice in the blessings I have now, regardless of the future. I don't want to look for the good coming from this. I just want my baby girl. And then...
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." -Romans 8:18
The idea in this verse is all I have. If/when Caroline leaves us, this is all I have. When I get to Heaven, this will seem so much less painful. This will be "worth it." I know intellectually that God will be glorified, and I know that his plan is a great one. I know that Caroline will touch lives no matter how long her earthly life is. And when I can't think of anything else that is positive about this situation, this is all I have. My present sufferings are insignificant compared to the glory that will come later. It doesn't mean my hurt is insignificant to God, or that he doesn't care about it. It doesn't mean that while I am alive on this earth, that this won't continue to hurt, even long after Caroline is born. Even if God does decide to heal her, the pain I've experienced and the lessons I have learned by walking through this journey will leave an indelible mark on my life. I don't know what the outcome will be here on earth, but I know the outcome for eternity...God will be glorified, and it will be good.
This is what I HAVE to focus on to get through this. Even on my bad days, it isn't long before God nudges me in the right direction. He loves me too much to let me be defeated. He wasn't defeated, so he won't let me be. He points me to the truth, and the truth sets me free (John 8:32). God is so gracious.
"For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
“Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:53-58
Death is not victorious. Its sting is made innocuous. Christ has given us victory. Our labor is not in vain. Whether he will deliver Caroline from immediate death here on earth, or if the victory is meant to be of the eternal kind, he is still victorious. And because of that, I cannot dwell on the negative, I cannot focus on the hurt, and I cannot give credence to anything else. Death has been swallowed up in victory!
On my worst days, in the midst of extreme sadness and pain, he is victorious. I can't help but turn my eyes from myself, from my pain, and look to him in victory. He knows I hurt. He knows I'm sad. He knows this is hard. But his power is made perfect in weakness, and he wants me to remember that he is victorious. To do anything else is to spit on his sacrifice.
So I may not, on my bad days, feel like praising him. I may not feel like looking for the good in this situation. I may not feel like I can overcome the fear, anxiety, and pain. But the truth is still the truth. He is victorious, and he is with me. If that can't take the focus off my own emotions and back where it should be, on my Savior, Redeemer, and Friend, then nothing can. I don't always have to feel it. I just need to know it.
He is victorious!
So really, it's not really easier or harder. Some days are easier, some are harder. It just depends on the day. I usually have more good days than bad days, but I still have bad days. Those are the days when I let fear and anxiety take root in my mind and heart. They're the days when I can't find the motivation to do anything. They're the days when I just let myself feel sad and helpless and hopeless. The hope and grace of God are never far distant, I just don't pay as much attention to them on my bad days.
It's definitely emotionally draining to live with this. It's not something that can be resolved quickly or prettily, it's not something you can really ignore until it goes away. It's not something you can easily dismiss from your mind. That's probably the worst part of this whole deal. It's like a never-ending horror scene playing over and over in my brain. I can "look away" for a while by distracting myself with other things, but it's always there in the background, waiting for me to look back at it. I can try to change the images to something more positive, and that sometimes works for a while. But it does seem like no matter what, I always end up looking back at the horror.
Then there are the physical things. My belly is growing, it seems like daily. I feel Caroline kicking all the time. I can't really ignore her presence. It's somewhat surreal. I know I have her for now, and I know that my pregnancy is progressing "normally" for now, but it almost feels like this is some other-worldly experience, and the end result is that I don't get the fun stuff when it's all over. I'm pregnant, I feel my baby, and yet I know that when she's born, it's very unlikely I'll get to keep her for any amount of time. It's very unlikely she'll ever come home to our house. I won't have a nursery, I won't get to do all the fun mom-to-be stuff. It's just weird to think about having a child, going through all the stuff before she comes just like normal, and then...that's it. There will be no normal at her birth, or after it, unless God decides differently.
Sonograms aren't "fun" for me, even though I do enjoy aspects of them. I love seeing Caroline moving around, giving the doctors a hard time by not being in a position they need her to be in to get certain pictures. I love projecting a personality on her. I love having pictures of her to take home, as a memory of her. I hate seeing evidence of her condition. I hate going in to the doctor's office with anxiety, hoping everything is still ok, wondering if I'll see her healed miraculously. Sonograms should be fun, getting to see your baby, watching her grow, getting excited for her to come into the world.
On my bad days, I feel really gypped. I don't get any of the "fun."
It is difficult for me to pull myself out of that thought process sometimes. It is only by the grace of God that I can. It takes supernatural effort. He has to remind me that he has a plan for me, to prosper me and not harm me, to give me a hope and future (Jeremiah 29:11). He has to remind me that his grace is sufficient for me, because his power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He has to remind me that he will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:8). He has to remind me that he's been there, given up a child in his Son. He has to reassure me that I don't need to be anxious, but I do need to pray, with thanksgiving, so that his supernatural peace can guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:6-7). My natural inclination is to sit in that pool of self-pity and despair, to marinate in the "unfairness" of this situation, to stew in my own hurt and self-righteousness. It is truly only through his love and grace that I don't stay there. He won't let me.
It doesn't mean I always like it, or that I'm very good at listening to him. It's just a good thing he doesn't pay attention to my shortcomings, but comes along-side me to carry me through my bad days because he's perfect. And amazing.
It still hurts to think I won't get to celebrate Caroline's first birthday, or any birthday for that matter. It still stings to feel her kicking and know that unless God intervenes, this is all I get with her. I still get scared that I won't be able to stand up under the constant weight of anxiety and uncertainty. I still hate that I won't be able to go shopping for all the cute little frilly clothes I pass in stores all the time. It just hurts to know I probably won't get to have a relationship with her here on earth, to get to know her personality. It hurts a lot. And in those moments of pain, I don't want to praise the Lord. I don't want to rejoice in the blessings I have now, regardless of the future. I don't want to look for the good coming from this. I just want my baby girl. And then...
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." -Romans 8:18
The idea in this verse is all I have. If/when Caroline leaves us, this is all I have. When I get to Heaven, this will seem so much less painful. This will be "worth it." I know intellectually that God will be glorified, and I know that his plan is a great one. I know that Caroline will touch lives no matter how long her earthly life is. And when I can't think of anything else that is positive about this situation, this is all I have. My present sufferings are insignificant compared to the glory that will come later. It doesn't mean my hurt is insignificant to God, or that he doesn't care about it. It doesn't mean that while I am alive on this earth, that this won't continue to hurt, even long after Caroline is born. Even if God does decide to heal her, the pain I've experienced and the lessons I have learned by walking through this journey will leave an indelible mark on my life. I don't know what the outcome will be here on earth, but I know the outcome for eternity...God will be glorified, and it will be good.
This is what I HAVE to focus on to get through this. Even on my bad days, it isn't long before God nudges me in the right direction. He loves me too much to let me be defeated. He wasn't defeated, so he won't let me be. He points me to the truth, and the truth sets me free (John 8:32). God is so gracious.
"For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
“Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:53-58
Death is not victorious. Its sting is made innocuous. Christ has given us victory. Our labor is not in vain. Whether he will deliver Caroline from immediate death here on earth, or if the victory is meant to be of the eternal kind, he is still victorious. And because of that, I cannot dwell on the negative, I cannot focus on the hurt, and I cannot give credence to anything else. Death has been swallowed up in victory!
On my worst days, in the midst of extreme sadness and pain, he is victorious. I can't help but turn my eyes from myself, from my pain, and look to him in victory. He knows I hurt. He knows I'm sad. He knows this is hard. But his power is made perfect in weakness, and he wants me to remember that he is victorious. To do anything else is to spit on his sacrifice.
So I may not, on my bad days, feel like praising him. I may not feel like looking for the good in this situation. I may not feel like I can overcome the fear, anxiety, and pain. But the truth is still the truth. He is victorious, and he is with me. If that can't take the focus off my own emotions and back where it should be, on my Savior, Redeemer, and Friend, then nothing can. I don't always have to feel it. I just need to know it.
He is victorious!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Check up
Because of Caroline's condition, I'm being monitored with sonograms every 4 weeks. This will check on Caroline's growth, check me for any complications, and just make sure everything is going well. My first sonogram since diagnosis was Tuesday.
I was a little nervous about this appointment. I just wasn't sure how Cameron and I would handle things emotionally. Last time we went in, it was for the diagnosis, and it was a very, very hard day. So this time, I wasn't sure if we'd break down seeing our baby girl on the screen, with the evidence of her condition made obvious to us. Not only that, but we were also going to be meeting with a nurse from the hospital where I will deliver Caroline, to start talking about a birth plan. This nurse specializes in deliveries with grim or fatal diagnoses, like ours. Anyway, I was just nervous.
We actually met with the nurse first, to start discussing the birth plan. She was so nice. She didn't ask us to make any decisions. She gave us some information, answered some of our questions, and reassured us that she'd be with us the whole way. She gave us things to think about and some resources to start forming our birth plan. I only shed a few tears. God was close by, holding me up.
I was also a little nervous about how I was going to handle things regarding our miracle. As I've said before, I truly believe God can heal Caroline miraculously, and if he does, it's very possible that we'll go in to a sonogram one of these times and everyone will be shocked to no longer see an anencephalic baby. However...I know that's not a guarantee, and wondering WHAT exactly I would see in the sonogram was a little nerve-wracking. Even with all my talking about wanting God's will (which I do), and about trusting his plan (which I do), and knowing that he's in control (which he is), I'm still human. And I still desperately want to see my baby healed. So I was very anxious to see if he answered my prayer the way I wanted him to. Not only that, I was nervous about how I would respond if he didn't. Would I be extremely disappointed and let down? Would I handle it well, or break down crying? Would the faith I've been clinging to waver? I wasn't sure about anything.
The office where I get my sonograms is a specialist's office, and they deal with high risk and difficult pregnancies all the time. They're amazing. They have been so compassionate, and so respectful. I truly appreciate the fact that we get to go there if we're going to have to deal with all this. Anyway...they were great once again. They were kind and compassionate, but they weren't overly somber, which helps. Pity can be discouraging and contagious. I don't need to pity myself. I have enough going on. Haha.
The sonogram went well. Everything was "normal" besides her anencephaly. I didn't have any complications developing yet. And we got pictures. :) That was something I was looking forward to. I got print outs of several sonogram pictures, and I will treasure them. This one of my favorites:
She's so precious to me. If this is all the time I have with Caroline, then I'll take what I can get, including pictures. I didn't break down, and when her anencephaly was again obvious to us through the pictures, I wasn't overcome by disappointment. In fact, all I felt was a twinge, the same thing I feel anytime I think about her condition. I was actually quite surprised that I didn't feel anything else. I was just at peace. Truly, sincerely, at peace.
Then I realized something. God is amazing. His grace has carried me through this far. Why did I doubt it would continue?
Not only that, but I also realized that all the stuff I've been talking about on this blog, all the lessons I've been learning, all the truth God has whispered to my heart...it's not a fleeting defense mechanism to deal with the uncertainty and pain. It's life-changing grace and truth that really has transformed me.
And I was shocked.
Deep down, I guess I doubted that this faith and grace would last. I doubted that I would truly be able to continue to lean on God and rely on him. I am a sinful creature that has failed many times before, and I guess I just assumed it was only a matter of time before I broke down and threw off the grace and peace.
I am an idiot.
God's bigger than that. He's giving me his grace and carrying me through this. His peace has overwhelmed me. Did I really believe I'd be able to get rid of God, even if I wanted to?
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”" -Deuteronomy 31:8
"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. " -Isaiah 30:18
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:37-39
"He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds. " - Psalm 147:3
"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him." - Psalm 62:5
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will." -Romans 8:26-27
"The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them. " Psalm 145:18-19
"For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." -Psalm 91:11-12
Seriously. How many times does he have to tell me? He's not ever going to leave me. When I can't pray, he does it for me. He sends angels to watch over me. He heals the broken-hearted. Nothing can separate me from his love. He longs to show me compassion. Nothing I do is going to get him to leave me alone.
Why WOULDN'T I want that? Why would I even question his faithfulness to me? Why would I let myself think that I could possibly do something that would result in his abandonment or lack of concern?
He is evident in everything in my life right now. He shows his power in pictures of Caroline. He shows up when I'm weak and need him. He shows his concern by sending people to care for me. He reminds me of his goodness through Scripture, often given to me through other people. He sends songs to me to communicate a message I need to hear. He encourages me when I feel lost and alone in this quagmire of emotion and faith.
And He shows up in a big way when I'm in a doctor's office and can feel nothing but peace as I look at my child on a sonogram screen, knowing her condition is fatal unless he intervenes.
Oh, yes. My God is a big God. He is all powerful, all knowing, everywhere at once. And yet he is with me, little ol' me, always. He knows the depths of my heart, and every hair on my head. He created the entire universe, and he also individually knit me together before I was born. And he's doing the same for Caroline. He knows me intimately, and desires for me to know him. He walks with me as I'm struggling, and he smiles when I'm rejoicing. He is so big. He is so awesome. And he is so CLOSE. He is so concerned for me. He is so compassionate and loving and gracious, to ME.
Sometimes, I just can't fathom it. I feel so humbled and unworthy of his amazing love and grace; probably because I am unworthy of it. But he gives it to me anyway. He has adopted me into his family, and he loves me and will be with me forever, no matter what.
"Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul!"
I was a little nervous about this appointment. I just wasn't sure how Cameron and I would handle things emotionally. Last time we went in, it was for the diagnosis, and it was a very, very hard day. So this time, I wasn't sure if we'd break down seeing our baby girl on the screen, with the evidence of her condition made obvious to us. Not only that, but we were also going to be meeting with a nurse from the hospital where I will deliver Caroline, to start talking about a birth plan. This nurse specializes in deliveries with grim or fatal diagnoses, like ours. Anyway, I was just nervous.
We actually met with the nurse first, to start discussing the birth plan. She was so nice. She didn't ask us to make any decisions. She gave us some information, answered some of our questions, and reassured us that she'd be with us the whole way. She gave us things to think about and some resources to start forming our birth plan. I only shed a few tears. God was close by, holding me up.
I was also a little nervous about how I was going to handle things regarding our miracle. As I've said before, I truly believe God can heal Caroline miraculously, and if he does, it's very possible that we'll go in to a sonogram one of these times and everyone will be shocked to no longer see an anencephalic baby. However...I know that's not a guarantee, and wondering WHAT exactly I would see in the sonogram was a little nerve-wracking. Even with all my talking about wanting God's will (which I do), and about trusting his plan (which I do), and knowing that he's in control (which he is), I'm still human. And I still desperately want to see my baby healed. So I was very anxious to see if he answered my prayer the way I wanted him to. Not only that, I was nervous about how I would respond if he didn't. Would I be extremely disappointed and let down? Would I handle it well, or break down crying? Would the faith I've been clinging to waver? I wasn't sure about anything.
The office where I get my sonograms is a specialist's office, and they deal with high risk and difficult pregnancies all the time. They're amazing. They have been so compassionate, and so respectful. I truly appreciate the fact that we get to go there if we're going to have to deal with all this. Anyway...they were great once again. They were kind and compassionate, but they weren't overly somber, which helps. Pity can be discouraging and contagious. I don't need to pity myself. I have enough going on. Haha.
The sonogram went well. Everything was "normal" besides her anencephaly. I didn't have any complications developing yet. And we got pictures. :) That was something I was looking forward to. I got print outs of several sonogram pictures, and I will treasure them. This one of my favorites:
Then I realized something. God is amazing. His grace has carried me through this far. Why did I doubt it would continue?
Not only that, but I also realized that all the stuff I've been talking about on this blog, all the lessons I've been learning, all the truth God has whispered to my heart...it's not a fleeting defense mechanism to deal with the uncertainty and pain. It's life-changing grace and truth that really has transformed me.
And I was shocked.
Deep down, I guess I doubted that this faith and grace would last. I doubted that I would truly be able to continue to lean on God and rely on him. I am a sinful creature that has failed many times before, and I guess I just assumed it was only a matter of time before I broke down and threw off the grace and peace.
I am an idiot.
God's bigger than that. He's giving me his grace and carrying me through this. His peace has overwhelmed me. Did I really believe I'd be able to get rid of God, even if I wanted to?
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”" -Deuteronomy 31:8
"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. " -Isaiah 30:18
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:37-39
"He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds. " - Psalm 147:3
"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him." - Psalm 62:5
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will." -Romans 8:26-27
"The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them. " Psalm 145:18-19
"For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." -Psalm 91:11-12
Seriously. How many times does he have to tell me? He's not ever going to leave me. When I can't pray, he does it for me. He sends angels to watch over me. He heals the broken-hearted. Nothing can separate me from his love. He longs to show me compassion. Nothing I do is going to get him to leave me alone.
Why WOULDN'T I want that? Why would I even question his faithfulness to me? Why would I let myself think that I could possibly do something that would result in his abandonment or lack of concern?
He is evident in everything in my life right now. He shows his power in pictures of Caroline. He shows up when I'm weak and need him. He shows his concern by sending people to care for me. He reminds me of his goodness through Scripture, often given to me through other people. He sends songs to me to communicate a message I need to hear. He encourages me when I feel lost and alone in this quagmire of emotion and faith.
And He shows up in a big way when I'm in a doctor's office and can feel nothing but peace as I look at my child on a sonogram screen, knowing her condition is fatal unless he intervenes.
Oh, yes. My God is a big God. He is all powerful, all knowing, everywhere at once. And yet he is with me, little ol' me, always. He knows the depths of my heart, and every hair on my head. He created the entire universe, and he also individually knit me together before I was born. And he's doing the same for Caroline. He knows me intimately, and desires for me to know him. He walks with me as I'm struggling, and he smiles when I'm rejoicing. He is so big. He is so awesome. And he is so CLOSE. He is so concerned for me. He is so compassionate and loving and gracious, to ME.
Sometimes, I just can't fathom it. I feel so humbled and unworthy of his amazing love and grace; probably because I am unworthy of it. But he gives it to me anyway. He has adopted me into his family, and he loves me and will be with me forever, no matter what.
"Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul!"
Monday, October 31, 2011
A pumpkin memory
As I was cleaning out the inside of the pumpkin (which I don't really like to do, by the way), I thought about how I would let her touch the slimy grossness inside the pumpkin just to see what she would do. Haha. I finally got all the gunk out. Whew.
I debated what I wanted to carve for Caroline's pumpkin. It's hard for me these days to make some decisions about what I'd like to do "with" Caroline. I just hate that I might only have one chance, so I try really hard to make it good. I went back and forth a lot about her pumpkin. But I decided on this when it came down to it.
She's my little angel, regardless the outcome of her life. And she's shining a light even now, so I figured this was appropriate. Here's a few pictures of the process.
>
Cameron joined the fun too. He took on the role of cameraman most of the time, but he did carve a pumpkin too. This was his. :) He was very proud.
I really enjoyed sharing this time with Caroline. I know it may seem strange to think of her as being here with us making memories, but that's ok. It means a lot to me. I mean, really, most kids don't really "remember" the early years of their lives anyway. We make memories for them, more for our sake than theirs. So I guess that's kinda how I feel about it with Caroline.
I do still hope and pray that we'll get to make memories with her later, too, but in case that's not God's plan, I'm going to keep doing things "with" her anyway. I'm glad God has given me this time with her, and I'll keep treasuring the "memories" as we go.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Hope
So you know how I said a few posts ago that God gives me lessons in bits and pieces so I can digest them? Yeah...he gave me another one today. Did I also mention his lessons are sometimes hard to swallow? I did? Ok. Par for the course then.
This scripture passage was part of my pastor's sermon today. His message wasn't really about this particularly...he was using it as a lead in to some other things. But this bit stayed with me. I've heard this Scripture about a million times, and I've always liked it. But this time, I got something new out of it because of the perspective I have right now. Without further ado..
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." -Romans 5:1-5
I've been really struggling this week with the idea of hope. Really struggling. I don't know if I'm just drained from the emotional difficulties of our situation, or if I'm lacking faith, or if other people's doubts are starting to wear on me. Whatever it is, I've really been inspecting my heart, and what it's hoping for, this week. I've begun to wonder if I really am crazy, if I'm living in denial of reality, if I'm trying to manipulate God to do what I want. Or maybe God has truly given me a peace because he is going to give me what I want. I don't know. This scripture came at a perfect time, as usual. God is cool like that.
I realized today that hope is a wonderful thing, but it has to be in the right place. In this passage, it starts out letting us know where our faith comes from-through grace, through our justification through Christ. Done. No question. Then it goes on to say "we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." Arrow. through. heart. That shows where our hope should lie...in the glory of God-our secure future through him. All our hope should be wrapped up in wanting to see God glorified in our lives. Not in what he can do for me. Not in what I want him to do for me. But in his glory.
The next verse is one that a lot of people have probably heard. "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Ok, so it's obvious we're "suffering" right now through this situation with Caroline. Living through this is definitely teaching me perseverance and character. And yes, hope. But I think over the last week or so my priorities have been slightly skewed. My hope has been slightly misplaced. I've been struggling with how to hope for healing for Caroline and still not be "disappointed" if he chooses not to perform that particular miracle.
I think I figured out my problem, thanks to God's revealing it to me. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." My hope shouldn't disappoint me. This verse says so. Wanna know why? Because my hope should be in the glory of God, nothing else. And if my hope is in the right place, then I won't be disappointed. He already loves me, and proves it by giving me the Holy Spirit. So if I focus my hope on God being glorified, not on a miracle, not on an action, not on a desire, and if I rely on the Holy Spirit to show me God's love because of the hope I have for my future with him, I won't be disappointed. And I'll have peace.
God is asking a lot of me to place my hope in his glory, instead of anywhere else. It's hard not to hope in a miracle. I don't think it's wrong of me to continue asking. And I will keep asking. And I will keep praying that God's will would be done, even when that is extremely difficult and I have to confess to God that sometimes I don't entirely mean it. All of the lessons God is teaching me these days pretty much point to one thing; God will be, and must be, glorified. He must be all important. He must be my first priority. He must be loved the most of everyone I love. And for me to be as close to him as I can be as a human being, and for me to truly rely on him as my Lord, and for me to truly understand and feel his grace and peace, I have to voluntarily put him there. He's not going to force me.
I'm not strong enough to do this. At all.
When I really came to these conclusions today, my heart hurt. I knew what God was asking of me, and I didn't want to do it. I still don't want to do it, even after several hours of meditating on this idea. Even though I know God may not give Caroline a healing miracle so we can keep her with us here on earth, that belief that he can, and COULD, do it, is part of what has kept me going. Not because he is all powerful, and I'm giving him the glory for it, but because I want to keep my baby. In some ways, I've been placing my hope in the miracle, not the miracle worker. And I didn't even realize it was happening. I absolutely still believe and have faith that he can, that he has the ability, to heal Caroline. And I still hope that he will. But today has brought a new depth to my understanding of hope. My hope must be firmly rooted in God's glory. Not a specific action, not a specific idea, not in a limited scope of what I think should happen, or could happen. Rather, it has to be in the one who already knows what will happen, who can never disappoint me. The glory he must receive.
Like I said, this is not something I am strong enough to do. It's going to take a lot of supernatural help, and a lot of time on my knees. It's going to take a lot of tearful submission. But I know in the end, this is the best thing I can do. I can't be disappointed in this situation if my focus is on God getting glory, no matter the outcome of our situation. He WILL be glorified, even if we lose Caroline here on earth. He'll be glorified if he heals her. He'll get the glory if there is some other outcome I haven't even imagined yet. His plan will give him glory.
I needed this reminder.
God loves me, and his Holy Spirit is given to me to prove it. He doesn't want me to be disappointed. He wants me to be able to rejoice in the hope of his glory. It is so reassuring that I can indeed have his peace in the midst of the uncertainty we're facing with Caroline.
I won't stop asking and hoping that God would perform a miracle for us; a specific miracle that I particularly want. I can't stop asking for that. But I know now that I don't have to fear disappointment if his answer isn't the one I want, if I ask for his help to maintain the correct focus. I know I'm human. I know this is going to be one of the most challenging things I have ever done. I know I will fail miserably over and over again. But I know God's grace will cover me. I know God's love will sustain me. I know he'll help me, if I just ask him. So that's what I'm going to try to do. I will do my best to honor him this way. And hopefully he can use my imperfect efforts for his glory.
I will rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. With lots and lots of help from him.
This scripture passage was part of my pastor's sermon today. His message wasn't really about this particularly...he was using it as a lead in to some other things. But this bit stayed with me. I've heard this Scripture about a million times, and I've always liked it. But this time, I got something new out of it because of the perspective I have right now. Without further ado..
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." -Romans 5:1-5
I've been really struggling this week with the idea of hope. Really struggling. I don't know if I'm just drained from the emotional difficulties of our situation, or if I'm lacking faith, or if other people's doubts are starting to wear on me. Whatever it is, I've really been inspecting my heart, and what it's hoping for, this week. I've begun to wonder if I really am crazy, if I'm living in denial of reality, if I'm trying to manipulate God to do what I want. Or maybe God has truly given me a peace because he is going to give me what I want. I don't know. This scripture came at a perfect time, as usual. God is cool like that.
I realized today that hope is a wonderful thing, but it has to be in the right place. In this passage, it starts out letting us know where our faith comes from-through grace, through our justification through Christ. Done. No question. Then it goes on to say "we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." Arrow. through. heart. That shows where our hope should lie...in the glory of God-our secure future through him. All our hope should be wrapped up in wanting to see God glorified in our lives. Not in what he can do for me. Not in what I want him to do for me. But in his glory.
The next verse is one that a lot of people have probably heard. "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Ok, so it's obvious we're "suffering" right now through this situation with Caroline. Living through this is definitely teaching me perseverance and character. And yes, hope. But I think over the last week or so my priorities have been slightly skewed. My hope has been slightly misplaced. I've been struggling with how to hope for healing for Caroline and still not be "disappointed" if he chooses not to perform that particular miracle.
I think I figured out my problem, thanks to God's revealing it to me. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." My hope shouldn't disappoint me. This verse says so. Wanna know why? Because my hope should be in the glory of God, nothing else. And if my hope is in the right place, then I won't be disappointed. He already loves me, and proves it by giving me the Holy Spirit. So if I focus my hope on God being glorified, not on a miracle, not on an action, not on a desire, and if I rely on the Holy Spirit to show me God's love because of the hope I have for my future with him, I won't be disappointed. And I'll have peace.
God is asking a lot of me to place my hope in his glory, instead of anywhere else. It's hard not to hope in a miracle. I don't think it's wrong of me to continue asking. And I will keep asking. And I will keep praying that God's will would be done, even when that is extremely difficult and I have to confess to God that sometimes I don't entirely mean it. All of the lessons God is teaching me these days pretty much point to one thing; God will be, and must be, glorified. He must be all important. He must be my first priority. He must be loved the most of everyone I love. And for me to be as close to him as I can be as a human being, and for me to truly rely on him as my Lord, and for me to truly understand and feel his grace and peace, I have to voluntarily put him there. He's not going to force me.
I'm not strong enough to do this. At all.
When I really came to these conclusions today, my heart hurt. I knew what God was asking of me, and I didn't want to do it. I still don't want to do it, even after several hours of meditating on this idea. Even though I know God may not give Caroline a healing miracle so we can keep her with us here on earth, that belief that he can, and COULD, do it, is part of what has kept me going. Not because he is all powerful, and I'm giving him the glory for it, but because I want to keep my baby. In some ways, I've been placing my hope in the miracle, not the miracle worker. And I didn't even realize it was happening. I absolutely still believe and have faith that he can, that he has the ability, to heal Caroline. And I still hope that he will. But today has brought a new depth to my understanding of hope. My hope must be firmly rooted in God's glory. Not a specific action, not a specific idea, not in a limited scope of what I think should happen, or could happen. Rather, it has to be in the one who already knows what will happen, who can never disappoint me. The glory he must receive.
Like I said, this is not something I am strong enough to do. It's going to take a lot of supernatural help, and a lot of time on my knees. It's going to take a lot of tearful submission. But I know in the end, this is the best thing I can do. I can't be disappointed in this situation if my focus is on God getting glory, no matter the outcome of our situation. He WILL be glorified, even if we lose Caroline here on earth. He'll be glorified if he heals her. He'll get the glory if there is some other outcome I haven't even imagined yet. His plan will give him glory.
I needed this reminder.
God loves me, and his Holy Spirit is given to me to prove it. He doesn't want me to be disappointed. He wants me to be able to rejoice in the hope of his glory. It is so reassuring that I can indeed have his peace in the midst of the uncertainty we're facing with Caroline.
I won't stop asking and hoping that God would perform a miracle for us; a specific miracle that I particularly want. I can't stop asking for that. But I know now that I don't have to fear disappointment if his answer isn't the one I want, if I ask for his help to maintain the correct focus. I know I'm human. I know this is going to be one of the most challenging things I have ever done. I know I will fail miserably over and over again. But I know God's grace will cover me. I know God's love will sustain me. I know he'll help me, if I just ask him. So that's what I'm going to try to do. I will do my best to honor him this way. And hopefully he can use my imperfect efforts for his glory.
I will rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. With lots and lots of help from him.
Friday, October 28, 2011
People
When we first got Caroline's diagnosis, I didn't think about much. I just existed and tried to force myself to function as well as I could. But I knew in the back of my mind that we'd get an outpouring of sympathy and support. I have great friends and family.
When the initial shock faded a bit, I started thinking about how much people were supporting me. It really quite humbled me, and made me feel incredibly blessed.
Here's why: I have a confession to make. I severely sell myself short when it comes to other people. I love to serve, I love to give of myself, I love to have friends, I love to do what I can for people. But I don't think about how others look at me, or how they respond to me. At least not much. In some ways, I have become "self-sufficient," and that can sometimes lead me to be...doubtful of other people's care for me. To clarify...I'm somewhat insecure about whether people care about me in return. There are some people I KNOW care. They prove it all the time. There are others who I'm not so sure about. It doesn't mean people don't care...it means I have issues trusting that they do.
This experience with Caroline has taught me A LOT about how much people care. It's also taught me not to wait for tragedy to strike to show others I care. I don't want people to wonder about me. I want them to know I care. But I digress.
It has now been three weeks since we got Caroline's diagnosis. It feels much longer to me. Much, much longer. Because it feels like it's been forever to me, every once in a while, I start to think that the outpouring of faith and love toward us is going to start fading. People are going to move on with their lives and "forget" about us and what we're dealing with because they have their own stuff to do. I keep steeling myself for that loss of support. I keep thinking that it's only a matter of time.
And I keep being proved wrong.
I actually have tears pooling in my eyes as I write this. Not only is this whole thing with Caroline strengthening my own faith with God, teaching me to trust him and rely on him whole-heartedly, but it's also teaching me that he uses his people a lot more than I give him credit for.
I have lived through some situations where people have hurt me dearly. They weren't strangers or acquaintances, or even people I didn't care for. They were people relatively close to me who I trusted and thought well of. Everyone has times like that. I have been blessed that I didn't let those times sour me toward God to the point where I lost my faith entirely. I've seen that happen in people going through similar circumstances. But it did throw me into a valley spiritually. It's only been in the past year or so that I've been able to really start to heal from some of those hurts, and they happened several years ago now. So I guess what I mean is that I'm slow to trust people, and I look for people to mess up.
I'm a great example of what NOT to do. Haha.
Through this trial, I realize that people are much more willing to follow God's lead than I give them credit for. They're a lot more willing to put themselves out there than I thought. And they're a lot more consistent than I ever imagined.
It seems like on the days I'm really struggling with this insecurity, God prompts people to show me that they care. I get an influx of email or messages or cards in the mail. God keeps proving me wrong about my thoughts towards other people.
I just want to say that while people are my secondary source of comfort right now, with God being my first, they are also slightly more tangible sources of comfort. God comforts the deepest parts of me, in my spirit and soul, giving me supernatural peace. The wonderful people around me give me hugs to feel, and cards to look at, and flowers to smell. I can't rely on the people around me to comfort what only God can reach, but I also know that he has placed these people in my life. He knows I need the stuff I can feel and see, too. That's why he wants us to live in community with each other...earth is hard, and people showing care and concern can really help us grow toward the Lord.
So after this terribly rambling post, I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone that hasn't forgotten us in the busy-ness of life. Thank you to those who have given us tangible evidence that you care. Thank you to those who have continued sending kind words to us through email, snail mail, facebook, blog comments, or phone calls. Thank you especially to those of you who keep praying for us. Thank you all for letting God use you to comfort and sustain us in a very trying time. You will never know how much it means to us to be loved, supported, and held up in prayer by people who care.
I have had a lot of comments that God is working in our situation and our lives to glorify himself. He's showing himself in our faith, and in how we're dealing with this. I'm so glad he's getting the glory, and I hope we can continue to shine for him in a dark time. But I want you to know something...
God is working and being glorified through you too.
So thank you. To God be the glory.
When the initial shock faded a bit, I started thinking about how much people were supporting me. It really quite humbled me, and made me feel incredibly blessed.
Here's why: I have a confession to make. I severely sell myself short when it comes to other people. I love to serve, I love to give of myself, I love to have friends, I love to do what I can for people. But I don't think about how others look at me, or how they respond to me. At least not much. In some ways, I have become "self-sufficient," and that can sometimes lead me to be...doubtful of other people's care for me. To clarify...I'm somewhat insecure about whether people care about me in return. There are some people I KNOW care. They prove it all the time. There are others who I'm not so sure about. It doesn't mean people don't care...it means I have issues trusting that they do.
This experience with Caroline has taught me A LOT about how much people care. It's also taught me not to wait for tragedy to strike to show others I care. I don't want people to wonder about me. I want them to know I care. But I digress.
It has now been three weeks since we got Caroline's diagnosis. It feels much longer to me. Much, much longer. Because it feels like it's been forever to me, every once in a while, I start to think that the outpouring of faith and love toward us is going to start fading. People are going to move on with their lives and "forget" about us and what we're dealing with because they have their own stuff to do. I keep steeling myself for that loss of support. I keep thinking that it's only a matter of time.
And I keep being proved wrong.
I actually have tears pooling in my eyes as I write this. Not only is this whole thing with Caroline strengthening my own faith with God, teaching me to trust him and rely on him whole-heartedly, but it's also teaching me that he uses his people a lot more than I give him credit for.
I have lived through some situations where people have hurt me dearly. They weren't strangers or acquaintances, or even people I didn't care for. They were people relatively close to me who I trusted and thought well of. Everyone has times like that. I have been blessed that I didn't let those times sour me toward God to the point where I lost my faith entirely. I've seen that happen in people going through similar circumstances. But it did throw me into a valley spiritually. It's only been in the past year or so that I've been able to really start to heal from some of those hurts, and they happened several years ago now. So I guess what I mean is that I'm slow to trust people, and I look for people to mess up.
I'm a great example of what NOT to do. Haha.
Through this trial, I realize that people are much more willing to follow God's lead than I give them credit for. They're a lot more willing to put themselves out there than I thought. And they're a lot more consistent than I ever imagined.
It seems like on the days I'm really struggling with this insecurity, God prompts people to show me that they care. I get an influx of email or messages or cards in the mail. God keeps proving me wrong about my thoughts towards other people.
I just want to say that while people are my secondary source of comfort right now, with God being my first, they are also slightly more tangible sources of comfort. God comforts the deepest parts of me, in my spirit and soul, giving me supernatural peace. The wonderful people around me give me hugs to feel, and cards to look at, and flowers to smell. I can't rely on the people around me to comfort what only God can reach, but I also know that he has placed these people in my life. He knows I need the stuff I can feel and see, too. That's why he wants us to live in community with each other...earth is hard, and people showing care and concern can really help us grow toward the Lord.
So after this terribly rambling post, I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone that hasn't forgotten us in the busy-ness of life. Thank you to those who have given us tangible evidence that you care. Thank you to those who have continued sending kind words to us through email, snail mail, facebook, blog comments, or phone calls. Thank you especially to those of you who keep praying for us. Thank you all for letting God use you to comfort and sustain us in a very trying time. You will never know how much it means to us to be loved, supported, and held up in prayer by people who care.
I have had a lot of comments that God is working in our situation and our lives to glorify himself. He's showing himself in our faith, and in how we're dealing with this. I'm so glad he's getting the glory, and I hope we can continue to shine for him in a dark time. But I want you to know something...
God is working and being glorified through you too.
So thank you. To God be the glory.
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