It's Worth It

This post might be a little crazy. I'm just warning you now. :) I have a lot on my heart.

First off, it's Easter. Happy Easter! Because of what this holiday celebrates, I get to see my Jesus and my Caroline in Heaven someday. What an amazing blessing. Sometimes, when I truly think about it, it just blows my mind. I am so grateful. Not as much as I should be, and not as often as I should, but I am grateful.

Two days ago, on Good Friday, Cameron and I were involved in a simulcast of David Platt's "Secret Church." If you've never been involved in this, or heard of it, you're missing out. Here's the background: David Platt, a pastor of a church in Alabama (who wrote a very cool book called Radical), went on a mission trip to Asia. The Church there in Asia is highly persecuted, as I'm sure many of you know. It's illegal in China to meet publicly with other Christians. People risk their very lives to meet together. It's incredible. Anyway, David Platt went to Asia. He was invited to speak at a secret gathering of the saints in Asia. He was told to wear a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood up, and to look down, all so no could see him. They went through a million precautions just to get him to the meeting site, which was a run down building with one lightbulb hanging from the ceiling as the only light, no sound system, no air conditioning, no chairs to sit in, nothing. And it was packed. The people there are so hungry for the Word. They brought him there the first day, and he was supposed to preach for 3 hours. He ended up preaching for 6 hours. They begged him to come back the next day and preach longer. So he did. From before dawn to long after dark. He did that for days and weeks. And people kept coming. Can you imagine that?

When he got back to the States, he wanted to see what would happen if he tried something like that here. He started with his own church in Birmingham, and people came, knowing he was going to teach for 6 hours. He's done it several times now (I think this one we went to was the 12th), and it's now simulcast all over the world. Our church took part in that simulcast, and that's what we went to do.

Before we went, I was debating whether I should go. I didn't think I could do 6 hours of Bible Study like that.

I was wrong.

It was one of the coolest experiences I've ever had. Guess what the topic of those 6 hours was. Just guess.

Suffering. Christ's suffering on the cross, and human suffering here on earth. An exhaustive study of suffering.

I'm still digesting everything I heard that night. I probably will be for a long while. It was that crazy. David Platt could be an auctioneer with as fast as he talks. And he still went over by 45 minutes. It was incredible. And I was glued the whole time. My mind didn't really wander, I was able to focus on what he was saying, and I was engaged by it. Incredible. I even cried a few times. He used a bunch of my "Caroline verses" and even ended with the hymn "It is Well With My Soul," which was my theme song from Caroline's diagnosis onward. I used that hymn in the email I sent out to friends and family to inform them about her diagnosis. I sang it the day her diagnosis was confirmed. I'm pretty sure God wanted to remind me that He's awesome and in control. 'Cause He's the only one cool enough and powerful enough to do this. I got goose bumps a lot. God was working, and still is.

I want to share a couple things that I have been reminded of or that God taught me through all of this. If I can find the words. I feel like anything I say will be so completely insignificant and unworthy. But I will do my best.

Most importantly, I want to start out by saying "It's worth it." It's worth it to have lost my daughter for the time I have on earth to see the eternal reward and eternal reverberations of her life. She was used by God to change my life. Not just change it, but to completely tear down walls I had erected, to break through chains I was bound in, and to change my entire perspective on life, heaven, and my walk with the Lord. I cannot even begin to describe to you how grateful I am to have suffered so that I could say "to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Yes, I said I was grateful to have suffered. You may think that's a weird way to look at things, but it shouldn't be. How many Scriptures say we should rejoice in our sufferings? How many times did the early church lose EVERYTHING, only to gain eternity? How many times have we seen suffering produce amazing things? Not just in our own lives, but in others' lives, and for years to come? The man who wrote "It is Well With My Soul" was Horatio Spafford. He wrote it after losing four daughters to drowning. He suffered, and God used him to write this hymn, which in turn has incredibly impacted who knows how many people. Myself included. This has been my heart's cry for months.

God is amazing.

It is SO WORTH IT. I prayed from day one that God would give me the grace to suffer well, and that He would be glorified in it all. I still hope and pray that He has been glorified. I still desire more than anything that my Christ would be lifted up. He used this "Secret Church" to really grab my attention back and to make sure the lessons I learned with Caroline were cemented in my heart and mind. I am once again blown away by God's magnificence.

One of the main things David Platt emphasized during his teaching was that God is Sovereign. Absolutely and completely Sovereign. Nothing that happens surprises God. In fact, He plans it all out ahead of time. God knew before I was even born that someday I would bear a child that I would lose. He knew before Cameron was born that he would have to be the father of a child he would never get to hold alive. And he blessed it. He knew that through our suffering, we would grow. We would honor Him. We would show others His grace. And He knows that in the future, whatever happens as a result will influence others. At least I hope He will continue to use our story. I hope we are worthy of that calling. We are far from perfect, but we want to be willing.

I've mentioned many times that part of what has gotten me through this is having an eternal perspective. It's still what makes this bearable almost four months after she was born. In fact, when I think about Caroline, I am no longer very sad about her. I rejoice that she's in Heaven. I rejoice that God has used her to glorify himself in so many ways. I still miss her, and the separation still hurts, and it's still hard some days. But it feels petty to cry. It feels petty to be sad. God has done and is doing and will do in the future amazing things because I suffered through carrying her, knowing I would lose her. I rejoice that God decided to honor me by taking my child. That He thought me worthy of such a calling. That He gave me His special grace and peace throughout, to teach me and others. He chose me to bear the burden so that He could be glorified. I am thrown prostrate before Him in awe of His goodness to me by giving me Caroline.

Do I sound crazy? Good.

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? ...but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him...

...Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a “fool” so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight." 1 Corinthians 1:18-20, 23-29, 3:18-19a

I would rather be thought crazy, foolish, and an idiot by the world, and be right in the Lord's sight, than to be normal to the world. I am not of this world. My old self is dead. DEAD. I am now alive IN CHRIST, and so I take on His character as much as I can. The world thought He was crazy too. Why would they think me any different?

IT'S WORTH IT.

Cameron has been reading David Platt's book Radical for several weeks now. I've been listening to bits and pieces of what Cameron has gleaned from that book, but God has also been working on me individually. We've both decided that we want to live more simply. We want to do more good with our lives and resources than we are now. We've made a few changes.

We canceled our cable. It's mostly junk and wastes too much time and money. TV isn't evil. We still watch tv. But we don't need to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars a year to be numbed by entertainment for too many hours a day.

We've given up drinking soft drinks so we can use the money to donate to organizations that give clean water to people who don't have it, like in Africa and Asia.

And we've started eating a poverty meal every Tuesday night. I did some research and came up with meals representative of common food in impoverished places. This month, April, we're focusing on North Africa and are therefore eating couscous and lentils. As we eat it, we are reminded both of our blessings, and of others' poverty. We pray for the people our meal represents, like the people in North Africa. Each month will be a different region. (If you're interested in what I actually make, you can check it out here)

We want our time and money to go toward worthwhile things, not just toward our own selfish enjoyment. These are decisions we've made because God has pricked our hearts. We asked ourselves, "Is Christ worth abandoning everything for?" (which is the question David Platt asks in his book). God didn't send us Caroline just so we could soak up His goodness through the pain. He sent her to us to teach us, to touch us, so we could then go out and touch others.

And IT WAS WORTH IT.

I know I've written an entirely too long blog post. But I could still go on and on about this subject. I might have to write another post someday about what else God is doing. Suffice it to say, He is ripping off my calluses, He is ripping the scales from my eyes, and He is graciously allowing me to see more clearly who He is, and what He wants from me while I'm still here on earth. To live is Christ, and to die is gain. I lose my life so that I can find it. I am struggling to make sense of God's wisdom because I am a foolish earthling. The more I put off the trappings of this world, the more God is opening my eyes and heart to Him. The more I suffer, the more blessed I feel. The more I suffer, the more God teaches me. The more I suffer, the more the gates of Hades are thwarted. The more I suffer, the more people are brought to the saving light of Jesus.

How could I not say that it is worth it? Oh, that I would be blessed with more suffering for my Lord, so that He can do more work through me. Oh, that I would suffer more so I can learn to suffer well so I can show the glory and majesty of my Risen Lord.

It is worth it. It is so worth it.

Even now

I don't know why, but God saw fit to remind me this week that I am not forgotten, and that Caroline is still having an impact.

I met a stranger on Sunday who has been through similar loss, and we comisserated. I've had several people email me to tell me they still think about me and hope I'm doing well. And I also had a friend of Cameron's from high school contact me (I've never met her personally, but we're facebook friends. :) ) to let me know that she's still thinking about us and praying for us. She was actually very sweet after Caroline was born and sent us a really cool carved picture of Caroline to remember her by. (Her business website is http://www.fadelessmemories.com if you're interested in seeing what it's like).

So overall, I've had lots of reminders this week that I am cared for by people here on earth, a blessing bestowed upon me by the One who cares about me in Heaven.

It's been just over three months since Caroline came and left in the same moment. Cameron and I are doing well, and while we're still dealing with the hurt, we have tremendous joy. I never truly thought we would have so much support, even this long after she came. It is such a blessing to know we are not forgotten now that the immediate crisis is over.

Even now, God is showing His faithfulness and goodness. Even now, people are showing their care and concern for us. Even now, we are not alone. I am so grateful.

Some days...

Since I've tried to be open and honest throughout this whole process, I guess I shouldn't quit now. Even though this post will probably make me look bad. Haha.

Some days, I don't really like being around myself. I know that sounds a little odd, but it's true. I don't like how I respond or act or think some days. I'm sure my husband would agree if he wasn't afraid of the repercussions it would cause. Haha. But seriously, it's a struggle to like myself at times.

I'm not saying I have an unhealthy self-perception. I'm not hanging on by a thread to my own well-being. Believe me when I say that there's a difference between not liking my own behavior and not liking myself. I struggle like any flawed person with self-awareness, self-doubt, self-respect, and self-love. But not unhealthily so. But I do sometimes step back for a minute, in my more peaceful moments, and think, "Dude, I am jacked. up." All the more reason to rejoice in the grace given to me.

You may be wondering why I feel this way right now. I'll tell you. Even though it makes me look ugly on the inside. :) I guess we all are, huh? Save by grace, there go I, and all that. Anyway. I digress. Why I feel this way...

I am a self-pitying, envious, impatient, selfish punk.

Yep. That about sums it up.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful God who constantly urges me to purge myself from all unrighteousness. Even when He has to drag me kicking and screaming.

I guess that's why I have 4 friends locally, and about 10 more from a distance, that are pregnant right now. So far, all are healthy babies. I also have about 5 friends who have recently had babies, all relatively healthy.

I think that the challenge of slaying the beast of envy while trying not to throw myself a pity party is almost as hard as going through everything I've already gone through. I sincerely and desperately want to rejoice with my friends in their joy. And I do. I am so happy for all of them. I've encouraged them not to hold back in front of me in their joy. I even went registry shopping with one of them.

That doesn't change the fact that I want my own child. I am impatiently waiting on God's timing. I sit back and see the joy on so many of my friends' faces, and I'm envious. I hate to admit that, especially knowing some of these friends will read this post. It doesn't diminish the joy I feel for them, I just wish I had it for myself. It's just not God's time for me yet. He gets to hear about my opinion on that subject rather frequently. Haha.

The past couple weeks have been a little weird for me, too. My due date came and went, and it has been a little harder than I expected. Her due date wasn't too terrible, but the aftermath is. Before her due date, it was a little weird, because I knew I should still be pregnant. Now that I would have had her, I've been surprised how often I've thought, "I should have my baby right now." It's surprised me a good bit how much I've felt a sense of loss all over again. It's not as intense as the initial loss, of course, but it's been profound anyway.

Hence my struggle with self pity.

I whine to God a lot, saying stupid things about how unfair it is. I'm not really angry, but I am hurt and confused. I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I know good has come from it, and I know I learned a lot. All the "good things" we as believers tend to look for when tragedy strikes. I still try to accept it with grace, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt. That I wanted my child. That I see lots of other people with healthy pregnancies and babies and wonder why He allowed us to go through what we went through with Caroline. Self-pity is a hard beast to slay.

I also hate that I'm envious of them. These expected and recently born children are not mine. They aren't Caroline. I wouldn't get to keep those children. They belong to God first, and their earthly parents second. I sometimes think, "What exactly do you want? One of your friends to go through what you did? For them not to have one because you can't yet?" Heck. to. the. no. I wouldn't wish what happened to us on anyone. The grace and peace, sure, but not the pain and loss. No matter how much I want a child of my own, I would never wish for my friends not to have their own. I just wish I could have one too. I want a healthy, normal pragnancy, with a healthy, beautiful baby at the end.

I'm also impatient. I want my child now. I don't want to have to wait through another pregnancy, whenever that may be, for my next child, the first one that will get to know me here on earth. I wanted Caroline. I kinda feel like a spoiled two year old who didn't get the treat they wanted at the store. "But Go-o-o-o-o-d, I wanted that baby, and I wanted her right NOW!" (said in my best whiney voice). It's hard to trust that God's timing is perfect when it hurts so much to wait. Really hard.

Which leads to my selfishness. I want what I want, and I want it right now. And I'm not very nice when I don't get my way. Just ask my husband. I've been a bear the last couple weeks as I've been dealing with this. Thankfully, my husband is a pretty great guy and puts up with a lot. Even when I get set off by the smallest things, and he knows why it's happening even as I'm denying it. "No, I really am this upset because you left your plate on the table after dinner! It's the most grievous error you've ever made, dangit!" Yeah...

All of this to say...this is still hard. Harder than I want it to be. Things are slowly getting better, but I know I'm not done yet. As I said earlier in this post, God is still gracious. He still gets me through the hard parts. He still carries me through even when I don't know I need Him to. He still holds my hand as I learn more lessons under His careful tutelage. He still keeps my marriage in tact and growing when we are trying each others' patience at every turn and stumbling our way through uncharted territory.

I had to rely on God when Caroline was still here. I have to continue to do so now that she's gone home ahead of me. I still have to make the choice everyday to follow His lead, to let Him help me, to let Him teach me. Some days I choose well. Other days I do not. The spirit is willing but the body is weak (Matthew 26:41). I'm still learning perseverance, which is growing my character, and giving me hope (Romans 5:3-4). I'm still attempting to have an eternal mindset, but it's still hard. "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:13). Standing is hard. More often I'm in the fetal position crying. Haha. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ( 2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

I am continually amazed that God's Word can so perfectly describe my thoughts and emotions. I am grateful for the comfort it brings. Even as I struggle, I know that victory will come. I know even as I despise the failings I see in myself, those same failings are what draw me to seek righteousness in Christ. My insufficiency points me to my need for a Savior. Not just for salvation, but also for all the time between now and Heaven. My "religious views" on Facebook says "Jesus saved me from myself and continues to do so." Even though I wrote that a long time ago, it's true. I have been eternally saved once and for all, but I need saving from my own stupidity daily. Thank God, through Christ's sacrifice and the Holy Spirit's help, that He does that for me daily, whenever I will seek Him.

He looks at this self-pitying, envious, impatient, selfish creature and sees a child He loves. God is incredible.

Due Date

Today is Caroline's original due date. I know babies rarely come on their actual due date, but it's a day to look forward to when they'll be here, give or take a few days.

Before Caroline was born, and before we got her diagnosis, her due date was just that. A day to look forward to. We were excited to be having a baby, and couldn't wait to meet the little person.

After her diagnosis, her due date wasn't quite so exciting. It was going to be a time of joy and sorrow. She would join us only to leave us a short time later. We still looked forward to meeting her, but we were also dreading the loss of her.

She decided she would just come early and throw us off completely. Haha.

Now that her due date has arrived, it's brought some interesting emotions with it. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I've been doing pretty well the past several weeks, so I didn't know if it would be just another day or if I would be emotional. I have been a little emotional. Cameron has been too. I guess no matter how much progress you've made, there are still some days where it will catch up with you.

Cameron and I are going to spend the day having as good a day as we can. We're hoping to do some fun stuff, but I know we'll also think about Caroline a good bit too. It's been almost 3 months since her birthday. Time keeps chugging along, and we keep chugging with it. God continues to give us what we need when we need it, and I know He always will. It doesn't mean we don't have days that are hard. We just have help to get through them.

I'm very grateful that Caroline is in Heaven today. She's not suffering, she's not hanging on to life by an umbilical cord. She's perfect and whole in Jesus' arms. While I do miss her, and wish today was a day to rejoice in her coming to stay with us for a while, I have a Heavenly Father who comforts me and reminds me that what happens here on earth isn't the end.

So now, I can look forward to another "due date," one I don't know the date of, but one where I will be due in Heaven to see my little girl again. Until then, I will press on here for a while longer. To God be the glory.

Two months

Two months ago, my baby girl was born into Jesus's arms.

Two months.

I feel like I've lived an entire lifetime in those two months. It is amazing to me that it's only been two months. It's incredible.

I think Cameron and I are doing pretty well, considering. We still have our moments, but overall, we're doing better than I thought we would. It seems like it's been much longer than two months to me. I feel like where I am emotionally and spiritually is way beyond where I thought I'd be this soon after she was born. It's just another testimony of God's grace and faithfulness. He hasn't left us or failed us. He's still in control.

I will say I'm a little nervous for the next few weeks. Caroline's original due date was March 5th. That's coming up really soon, and I'm wondering how that day will go. I'm not anticipating a horrible mess, but it's possible. Haha. I know God will still be here with me on that day, and while it may be a little emotional, I think my mindset will be the same as it is everyday...Caroline is perfect and whole with Jesus in Heaven, and a day she "should" have been born on will just be another day to remember God's goodness and grace.

Cameron and I were talking about Caroline at dinner last night. We both agreed that while we didn't want to lose her, and we wish she could have been healthy enough to stay with us, we wouldn't wish her back now. Our perspective is different now, and we're different now. She changed our lives. She was here for the perfect amount of time. It was God's plan for her. We wouldn't want to change it. While there was pain in the journey, there was also joy and peace. We still have that joy and peace amidst our sorrow. It is an amazing thing. A miracle, really. We serve a mighty God, for sure.

I know I'll never "get over" losing Caroline, but I also know God's not done with me yet. I'm at peace with the loss. I see the good that has come from it, and I know there will continue to be good coming from it. I still hurt, and I still ask God to help me glorify Him in what I do, how I think, and how I respond. It's still not "easy." But it's ok. I don't know what the future holds here on earth. I do know my future holds Heaven, and Heaven holds my little girl. I will anxiously await my time with her in Heaven while seeking to do God's will while I'm still here on earth. It's the best I can do, and it's what I should do.

I love you, Sweet Caroline Grace. Happy two months in Heaven. I'll see you when I get there.

New purpose

I am so grateful to serve such an amazing God. Seriously.

While I'm still having good days and bad days, I feel like I'm starting to get back to an even keel. Recently, God dropped some ministry opportunities in my lap, and I'm very exited about them.

We moved to our current location about 4 or 5 months before we got Caroline's diagnosis. I got pregnant right after we moved here. We were getting to the point where we wanted to get involved in some type of service for our church, but I was having trouble figuring out where I would fit. The only ministry opportunities I knew about were things I didn't really feel called to do. None of them would have taken advantage of my gifts and strengths. Then we got Caroline's diagnosis, and I knew that serving in a prolonged capacity would have to wait. Dealing with Caroline's situation was enough to deal with...serving would have put me over the edge emotionally.

So I waited. Caroline was born almost two months ago. I can't believe it's been two months. It seems like forever ago and like yesterday all at the same time. The first month after she was born, we spent making arrangements, traveling, and grieving. The past few weeks, I've been resting and letting God heal my heart. This past weekend, I found out about a new ministry that our church is starting, and it was like God set it in my lap and said, "Here you go." It is right up my alley of strengths and gifts, and it's giving me a renewed sense of purpose.

Knowing I have a ministry to work in, it makes my time seem valuable again. During our time with Caroline, it was like my life was on hold, waiting to see what God had in store for us. I'm not complaining or saying that my time with Caroline had no value and made no difference. That would be completely ludicrous to say. But it was like everything was about Caroline. That was ok. It needed to be. God used that situation to teach me, to reach others, and to make a difference for a lot of people. Now that Caroline is gone to be with Jesus, I don't have that same purpose. I have no Caroline to focus on.

So God came up with the solution. He gave me something else to do to serve Him.

I miss Caroline. I'm still grieving her loss. But I'm now able to look toward the future with renewed hope and renewed purpose. I know God has a plan, and I know He's made the way for me. His timing is perfect, His love is amazing, and His providence is beyond my greatest imagination.

I am so grateful to serve such an amazing God.

Resting and Learning

Hello everyone. Sorry it's been a little while since I posted. This past week I've been trying to rest. Not just physically, but emotionally too.

I realized that for a month, I was basically mourning in public. While I wasn't hiding anything from anyone or trying to put on a brave face, it is just exhausting to be around a lot of people all the time. Even family and friends, who I loved being with. It's hard to be asked, "How are you doing?" over and over, and to be told, "You look wonderful." It's also hard to just see the looks on people's faces; the "knowing" looks of sadness or pity. It's also hard to hear "I'm sorry." Don't hear me wrong. I am not upset that people care and want to show it. I'm glad I had time to be around people so I wouldn't have to be alone. I know people meant the best and want the best for us. I appreciate it all. But after a while...you need time alone to think, to pray, and to just heal. I didn't really get much of that alone time until this week. It was extremely nice to be able to do nothing unless I wanted to, and to be able to rest physically so that I could rest emotionally as well.

It should come as no surprise, then, that I have learned some new lessons this week. Haha. If you sit and think and pray enough, you'll learn something. I guess that's why God tells us to "Be still, and know that [He] is God" (Psalm 46:9). In such a busy world, it is good to take a break and rest. Anyway...

I've been a crazy jumble of emotions this last week. Sometimes I felt wonderful, almost as if I didn't need to mourn anymore. Other days, I was a grumpy, moody mess, with about fifty million emotions warring inside my heart. Some days I could think about babies and children and all the people around me dealing with them, and barely even feel a twinge. Some days, I wanted to throw a temper tantrum because things aren't "fair." Lawsy, I feel sorry for my husband right now. Haha. He never knows what he's going to get with me. But I can say, even on the bad days, that the negative is not as strong as the positive. Part of that is because I am choosing to look at the positive as much as I can, through God's grace, and some of it is because God is just awesome.

I'll tell you something else. I have learned more deeply the meaning of taking your thoughts captive..."We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5. This is my new challenge.

I have learned a lot about the character of God because of our time with Caroline. I have begun to know God in a way I never have before. A lot of the lessons I learned involved trust, sacrifice, and humility. I had to trust God with a lot. I had to be humble. I had to learn what true sacrifice is. I had to learn to die to myself so that Jesus could work in me. Much of it is very painful. Many of these lessons were understood only through many tears. But I am so glad God is patient enough to teach me. In this new time of life without Caroline, I'm having to learn some of those lessons all over again.

I've shared that I'm not terribly nervous about future pregnancies, healthwise. I'm trying really hard to trust God with all of that. He's in control, He's in charge, and He's the Creator and Healer. Whatever He wants to happen in my next pregnancy will. I truly believe that and have found peace and comfort in that knowledge.

What I have to do is a little different than I expected, I think. The thoughts I have to take captive and return to Christ are numerous and varied. Some are self-pity thoughts. I shared in my last post that there are many, many things that remind me of my loss. Seeing babies, seeing toys, walking through stores and seeing any baby related item, seeing pictures of friends' baby showers, seeing updates on friends that are now expecting their own babies. In fact, just taking down my Christmas decorations was extremely difficult for me emotionally. I'm not sure I can describe why...I decorated before she was born, I celebrated her life all through Christmas, and now things are done. I guess it was just an emptiness knowing she was gone. It's amazing to me how much can remind me of what I've lost. It's in those moments that I have to take my thoughts captive. I have to take my human, limited vision and try to replace it with eternal perspective. I have to make my thoughts "obedient to Christ." My feelings of jealousy or anger are not glorifying to Him, even though they are completely "normal" and "natural." If I begin to question His character, which is what I do when I start to feel and think, "this isn't fair, it shouldn't have happened to me," I'm not making myself obedient. Christ was obedient even to die himself. I can be obedient in this. I can rejoice that Christ is holding my baby girl for me instead of letting her experience this fallen world. Because that's the truth.

Other thoughts I have to take captive are ones for the future. I want another child badly. I am incredibly anxious to have another baby. Recently, God has reminded me of the lesson I learned with Caroline. I cannot want another child more than I want Christ. My next baby cannot become an idol or stumbling block. I need to surrender our next one just as much as I needed to surrender Caroline. I know wanting to have a child is not wrong. I know that desiring to have a relationship with our children is a mirror of God wanting to have a relationship with us. Wanting another one is not the problem. The state of my heart is. If my heart desires another child more than it desires to be obedient to Christ, then I'm off. If I want another child for God's glory, then I'm ok. I've had to really ask myself where I stand when it comes to that area of my heart. It's a tough struggle, but it's worth it. Any children we have will never be "ours." They'll be His, on loan to us. The better I am at remembering that, the better a parent I will be. I want to be a good mom, so I'll keep trying to make myself obedient in that. When my thoughts start to wander too far into the "I want one and I want one right now!" area, I have to submit them to Christ in obedience. I want one right now, but I want God's will more. In His timing, with His blessing. Another area I have to trust to Him.

It may sound like I have things going pretty well in this regard. Don't be fooled. This is a struggle to me just as everything else has been in our time with Caroline. As I have said over and over again...I have good days and bad days. I'm still learning. I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere near perfect. It's hard to do these things I'm talking about, and I struggle to do them. But I want to do them. I want to glorify God, not just in outward actions that impact others, but in my private thought life. I can't be a light outwardly if I'm filled with darkness internally.

I want to be close to Jesus. He's been close to me throughout our time with Caroline. I want to continue being close to Him. I know emotions will change and fade, but I don't want to lose what I've found in Him because of our experience with Caroline. He's given me a precious gift in Caroline, and I never want to take it for granted or to forget about it. I've been praying that He will help me. Because it's hard.

I'm still sad. I still mourn. I still miss my baby girl. But I take my thoughts captive and submit them to my Savior, some days better than others. And I have amazing joy knowing Caroline is perfect in Heaven, waiting for me.