Almost there

I'm 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant today.  Holy cow.

I'm getting so close to meeting our little miracle.  I can't wait.  And yet I'm terrified.  Haha.

The more I think about labor and delivery, the more I remember what it was like with Caroline.  That was such a defining day in my life.  For a few months after she was born, I replayed that day over and over again.  It was my only day with her outside the womb here on earth.  And there was the "normal" parent awe of seeing your child born.  So that day was very meaningful to me, for obvious reasons.  After a few months, though, it was no longer on the forefront of my mind.  It was one of those ephemeral memories that you pull out on occasion to reminisce.   

Now that I'm drawing close to that day with this baby, it's making me remember again.  I had a relatively easy labor and birth with Caroline.  I have no reason to believe Everleigh will be any different, except for the fact that she'll be full term and bigger and all that jazz.  It makes me slightly nervous to think about it all.  I mentioned in my last post the concurrent emotions of fear/anxiety and excitement.  Definitely still have all that going on.  I am terrified and excited beyond belief at the same time.  I can't wait to meet Everleigh, but I am incredibly nervous. 

I had a check up with my OB this morning.  She told me I had progressed a bit, and that when I go into labor, it will probably be pretty quick.  That is both awesome and nerve wrecking.  Haha.  Since my mom is flying in from out of town, I would really like for her to be here when Everleigh is born.  If she's not already here when I go into labor, she might not make it in time.  Bah.  I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control, and Ev will come when she's supposed to.  If Mom is here, then awesome for me.  If not, then I'll manage with God's help.  :)  While my mom is an awesome labor coach that would be an enormous help, I've come to realize that this time around, I think I want her here for moral/emotional support as much as for the help during labor. 

I don't know that I can properly put into words what the end of this pregnancy is like for me.  It's all new to me, since I didn't get this far with Caroline, and her birth was slightly abnormal because of her condition.  The waiting for Caroline was hard in its way, because we knew it would be the end.  The waiting for Everleigh is hard in a different way.  I can't wait to meet her, but I'm afraid to at the same time.  I mentioned a lot of the reasons for that in my last post, so I won't go into that too much this time.  Suffice it to say that I am just a big ball of conflicting emotions. 

In all of this, though, I can tell you I feel a sense of the supernatural.  This is all one big amazing miracle to me.  Every fear is underlaid with the awe that I am not in control, that this is bigger than me.  Every feeling of excitement is laced with the incredulity that God has seen fit to bless us with another precious girl.  Every anxiety is undercut by the knowledge that God is the one in control, not me, so I can't screw up my kid enough to thwart God's plan for her life.  This is not just another labor, delivery, and all that comes after, to me.  It's a miracle that goes beyond me, Cameron, and Everleigh.  It's another way to point toward God and the Son He sent to Earth. 

So, as the hormones rage, the feelings march through, and the truth fights to be acknowledged, I am just doing my best to remember the greater things.  God is in control, He's got it all figured out, and I'm just along for the ride to give Him the glory.  As imperfectly as I'm doing that.  Pretty soon, I'll have my precious daughter in my arms and can rejoice in His goodness all the more.  I can't wait to see the face of this little miracle.  Thanks for listening to my rambling.  :)

Full term musings

Holy cow, I'm considered full term today.  37 weeks.

Everleigh could come any day now.  For the next 4-5 weeks.  I'm going to lose my mind.

I am having a lot of unexpected mixed emotions.  I think I've been so focused on keeping her in for a while because of the craziness earlier in my pregnancy, that now I'm like, wait, what happened?  I can have her now?  Relinquishing that "Don't come yet." vibe is proving a little difficult.  At the same time, I can't wait for her to get here.  Cameron can't either.  He wants her now.  Yesterday would be preferred.  Haha.  He wants "his turn" as he puts it.  I've gotten to hold her for nine months, and now he wants to be able to.  It's rather endearing, actually, to see how excited he is.  I can't wait to see his face when he holds her the first time.

And now...here comes honesty time.  Yeehaw.

I am scared out of my mind sometimes.  For many reasons.  I have the semi-irrational fear that I'm going to lose Everleigh at the last minute (cord accident, labor distress, etc).  I know it's unlikely, and I'm not overwhelmed by it, but the nagging doubt is there nonetheless.  I'm also scared of bringing her home and screwing up royally as a mom.  Also semi-irrational.  Now that I'm full term, I guess it's all just kicking in.  I've never had a chance to take care of a newborn.  I delivered a child, held her for a few hours, and then had to let her go.  This time...there's no letting go, in the physical sense.  I will be "stuck" with Everleigh until adulthood.  I am so incredibly grateful for that, but it scares me too.  Haha.  I think that's probably pretty normal.  What new mom isn't a little nervous about her abilities?  I have a feeling I'll be praying a lot in the near future.  Prayers like, "Lord, please don't let me screw up this poor child you've blessed me with."  :)

This is also bringing back memories of my delivery with Caroline.  While I've birthed a child before, it was a weird situation with weird results.  It was not a normal delivery/birth experience, even though I went through a relatively normal labor/delivery.  She was early, and therefore small.  We didn't have to worry about APGAR scores or billirubin counts or jaundice or breathing support or anything like that.  We knew she wouldn't make it before she got here, and because she was already with Jesus when she came out, it was really unnecessary to do much of anything besides clean her off and hold her for a while.  Now, I have a healthy baby coming.  I'm going to have to wonder if everything will be ok when she comes out.  She'll be bigger, she'll be more developed.  Labor and delivery will be different because I'm full term instead of at the beginning of my third trimester.  I almost feel like I'm going into this as a first timer because it's the first time things will be "normal."  It's making me a little nervous, even though I generally know what to expect.

I'm also ridiculously emotional.  I can thank the lovely pregnancy hormones for some of it, but not all of it.  It's kinda made me sad to think that we can't have Caroline there to meet her sister.  I was extremely tempted to buy a little outfit for Everleigh that said "Little Sister."  I decided not to, partially because I know that it would raise some questions when out in public that I wouldn't necessarily want to answer, but I might go back and get it anyway, and just use it at home.  She'll always be a little sister, even though she'll be the "oldest" at home.  It's such a weird dynamic, and it's so hard to deal with sometimes. 

I have my hospital bag packed, and one of the things I'm taking with me is my Caroline Bunny.  If Caroline can't be there in person, then she'll have a surrogate in her bunny.  I know for some people that might sound silly, but it is what it is.  There will be amazing joy when we get to meet Everleigh face to face.  But there will be a hole there, too.  Our missing daughter.  The one who's gone on to our eternal home, so she can't be here in our temporal one to meet her sister.  It won't be the main focus of Everleigh's birthday, but it will be a part of it.  There's no getting around it.  Hopefully my bunny can help me feel a little better about it all. 

I know having a baby is an emotional thing regardless your history.  It's a miracle, and it should be emotional.  If you feel nothing when you're expecting, delivering, and raising a child, well...I don't know how that's possible.  I also know that because of Caroline, we're probably slightly more emotional in some ways.  I've done my best this whole pregnancy to place my fears and anxieties at the feet of Jesus.  It hasn't been easy to do.  I've failed on many occasions, and allowed the feelings to rule.  But I know God is sovereign and has everything under control, even when I don't behave as if I believe it.  I'm having to lean on that now, as I face a delivery that is coming sooner than later. 

I miss Caroline these days.  I wish she was here to meet her sister.  I feel a little cheated sometimes, that my family will never be "whole" here on earth.  There will always be someone missing.  But...it's the path we've been given to walk.  It's the path Christ has allowed us to walk to give Him glory in our suffering.  So I want to keep glorifying Him in my response, even though I'm imperfect and frail.

And while I do have a lot of fears and anxieties, I am ecstatically happy to be so close to meeting Everleigh.  We feel enormously blessed to be having her.  I can't wait to see what she looks like.  I can't wait to meet her and hold her.  I can't wait to bring her home and make her a part of our lives.  I can't wait to show her off to all the people who have showered us with prayers, encouragement, gifts, and love.  This precious miracle is going to be the recipient of more love and rejoicing than she will ever know.  I'm so grateful to have so many people who love us and support us. 

So...after saying all that.   I am so happy to be full term.  I can't believe it's almost time to meet Everleigh, finally.  I can't wait, even though I'm a little nervous.  To God be the Glory, great things He has done.  Thank you Lord for our precious blessing. 

Happy New Year!

It's officially 2013. 

We've been through our first full year without Caroline.  We're starting the year when we'll get to meet Everleigh in person.  Quite an eventful year coming up.

I will never forget Caroline.  I've said that many times before.  And it's true.  I have no desire to forget her.  But I will say that as time goes by, it's getting easier to face the day to day without her.  This Christmas and New Year season has been a little difficult because we were remembering last year at this time, when we were dealing with Caroline's immediate loss.  She was born on the 15th of December, her memorial service was on December 29, and her funeral was on January 7.  So...there's been a lot of remembering. 

I also had to kinda deal with the feelings of "unfairness" that we weren't getting to buy her Christmas presents, and we weren't getting to take Christmas pictures of her.  Last year, I signed her name on our Christmas cards, and I didn't this year.  There were a lot of times where I really missed her in that regard.  It wasn't an overwhelming pain or anything, just a lot of twinges of "what might have been." 

It did, in a lot of ways, make me look forward to next Christmas, when, God willing, Everleigh will be here with us to celebrate.  It's made me look forward to this year in general, because we'll have most of the year with her.  If she comes on or around her due date, she'll be born barely over a month into 2013.  I can't wait.

If you're reading this post and have recently lost a child, hang in there.  I know that it's difficult, especially at first, to look forward to the New Year when you've lost someone precious.  Just know that you're not alone.  There are many of us who have been where you are.  I'm always willing to hear from you (see the contact tab at the top of the blog).  Last year, New Year's was hard for us.  Our loss was very recent, and we were just ready to be done with 2011 and move on to 2012.  And we weren't really sure what 2012 would entail.  Now, looking back, it was a pretty good year.  We definitely had some challenging times, and there were times that I wish would have been easier, but ultimately, everything worked out like it was supposed to.  I am so grateful God has brought us through our first year without Caroline, and is now allowing us to look forward to another special blessing. 

I hope that you all have a wonderful year this year.  Even if it's a difficult year, just know that God is still there, and there are people who can support you through it.  God bless you all in 2013!

Happy Birthday Caroline!

Today is Caroline's birthday.  It's been one year since we both celebrated her coming and mourned her loss.

One year.

It's a little hard to believe it's been a year.  In some ways, it feels much, much longer.  In others, it feels like just yesterday.  Cameron and I have decided that sometimes it doesn't even feel real.  It was such an emotionally intense moment, and then...we just had to let go.  As we prepare for Christmas, it's been quite bittersweet.  I put up her stocking, and I put her ornaments on the tree.  I can remember how I felt last year at this time, trying to find ways to celebrate Caroline's life while preparing to lose her.

So far, I haven't completely lost it.  There is still time.  Haha.  But I am taking comfort in the fact that the same Jesus that walked with me through this day last year is still walking with me as I remember it this year.  God is a good and gracious God, giving me peace and strength on a day that has the potential to break me down.

I expect a few tears.  I expect to have some melancholy moments.  But even through the remembered grief and new bittersweet memories, I can feel God's presence and comfort.  He is still here, holding me up as I walk through this first birthday. 

I am blessed with some amazing family and friends that have walked this path with me.  I can never say thank you enough to them, or to God for blessing me with them.

Now, during this season of loss, I can also thank God for the blessing of Everleigh.  While she can't and won't replace Caroline, we feel so blessed to have her to look forward to this Christmas season.  I am so grateful that God saw fit to bless us with her even as we mourn Caroline.  He has turned our weeping into laughter and our wailing to dancing.  Praise the Lord, from whom all blessings flow.  He gave us our blessing of Caroline, and now He has given us our blessing of Everleigh.

I made a little collage of pictures from Caroline's birthday last year.  What a precious memory we have in our photos.  I am so grateful we were able to take so many, and to have them to remember her by.  I hope you enjoy remembering with us today.

30 weeks

I made it to 30 weeks today. One step closer to Everleigh coming in a timeframe that is healthy. Hopefully that means full term. :)

I am more pregnant now than I ever have been. I'm starting to experience new things that I didn't with Caroline. My belly is bigger than when Caroline was born. Everleigh is bigger than Caroline was when she was born. I'm starting to get more of those pesky aches and pains that accompany late pregnancy. I have started getting Braxton Hicks contractions. Man, those freaked me out BAD the first day. Now that I know what they are and have been reassured by my doctor that nothing is happening to progress me toward labor, I can handle them. I mostly feel them in the morning, and then I don't get them as much later in the day. Thank the Lord.

At my most recent check up, my doctor did another preterm labor test called a fetal fibronectin test. It came back negative, which means I should be good for another couple weeks. :)

I'll admit that this part of my pregnancy has kinda thrown me for a bit of a loop. I didn't realize how much I missed out on with Caroline's pregnancy. Some of it is not entirely pleasant, like the pain and BH contractions, but some of it is cool. Everleigh moves in an entirely different way than Caroline ever did, and it's fun to watch her do an impression of that scene from the movie Alien. My belly does weird things. Haha.

My belly is bigger, I have to wear more maternity clothes. Even just the thought that we will bring this one home, God willing, is a totally new thing. Preparing for her arrival is completely different than preparing for Caroline's. We're having to get a nursery together. We have to get a car seat and stroller. I'm excitedly looking at clothes, knowing she'll get to wear them all, not just one thing.

Cameron and I were talking the other day, and it's funny how similar we've been feeling about certain things. One is bringing Everleigh home. I think it hit us both that we actually get to bring her home. It was kind of an ephemeral awareness before, like we knew it logically, but it hadn't quite become real to us. Everleigh's birthday isn't the end of her time with us, like it was for Caroline. It's really just the beginning. With Caroline, our lives didn't really change on the day to day level of sleepless nights, impositions on our schedules, having to plan around carrying an infant around with us. We were heart broken and our lives were changed in a deeper way, but our day to day activities pretty much remained the same. With Everleigh, that's not going to happen. She'll keep us up at night, and she'll infringe on our social schedule, and she'll need to be fed constantly. She's going to change our lives. And we're going to love every minute of it. And that part just recently hit us, I think.

I'm not naive enough to think that there will not be days that are ridiculously difficult. I know I'll get annoyed or short tempered or cranky. I know I'll complain about certain things. So when I say we'll love every minute of it, I mean we're going to love it because it means we have a baby girl that is a huge blessing. I don't mean I'm going to literally love sleeping for three hours a night. Or that I'm going to love not taking a shower whenever I want. But overall, I am going to be so stinking grateful for Everleigh that it will temper the inconveniences.

I have a lot of friends with babies right now. Born any time from June to last week. It makes me so much more anxious to hold my precious girl. I can't wait to meet her outside her little home right now. Ok, let me rephrase. I can wait until she's full term because then she'll be healthy. But I am so excited to see her. Haha. I am rejoicing with every week that passes that God is continuing to knit her together in my womb to get her to where she needs to be to meet us. Each week is a blessing and a victory. One step closer to a healthy delivery.

So...30 weeks. Ten more weeks to go. I just might make it this time. :)

Something special...

Caroline's birthday is coming up soon, on December 15th. A friend of Cameron's from high school has been incredibly sweet to us throughout our journey with Caroline, and she's doing something else now, too. It's pretty special. Read Jennifer's words below (she does amazing work with her company called Fadeless Memories, and even has Caroline's story on her site) and see why...

From Jennifer:

I never met Caroline Grace, but she changed my life in a way that I can't explain. I haven't seen Cameron for over 12 years when we attended high school together, and I've only talked to Emily via the internet, yet they have encouraged me to love and trust the Lord in ways that are only caused by experiencing extreme amounts of pain. Like many of you, I stalked their blogs, I prayed for her healing as they chronicled their journey with anencephaly, and I wept on December 15th when she was born into Jesus' arms. She's caused me to hug my children tighter, and hold my plans for them a little looser, trusting that the Lord knows what He's doing.

When she left this world, I was honored to be able to use a product my business makes to preserve her memory by carving one of her NILMDTS photographs into acrylic.

Since then, I've been looking for a way to serve other families that have lost their precious little ones before they left the hospital. I was overwhelmed by how many families had experienced such a loss and I knew that I didn't have enough resources to minister to everyone. However, I've come to realize that doing something is better than nothing and I need to comfort as many people as I can.



In honor of her first birthday, if you would like to receive a free suncatcher/Christmas ornament with your baby's photograph carved into it, I would love to send one to you. Please email me 2-3 images of your baby along with your address to jroberson at fadelessmemories dot com before December 15th.

Notes:

• Christmas ornaments are approximately 2.5 x 3.5 inches and tend to be the perfect size for an image of one face (think traditional hospital photograph). Multiple family members will not be distinguishable and normally need to be carved in a larger size to look good. I request multiple images so that I can choose the one that will carve the most beautifully but if you only have one then I totally understand.
• Help with shipping is appreciated and allows me to send more ornaments out to more families. However, it is entirely optional.
• For now I must limit this offer to the residents of the United States.
• I will make as many ornaments as I can, and will establish a waiting list if needed.

28 Weeks

I'm 28 weeks pregnant today.

28 weeks. That has huge significance for several reasons.

I was 28 weeks and 4 days pregnant when Caroline decided to come. So in 4 days, I will be in uncharted pregnancy territory for me. Should be interesting. :)

For Everleigh, we've reached a point together where she could be born now and survive, and have few, if any, health and developmental issues. Obviously, I'd rather have her stay inside and bake a bit more, but at least I have the comfort that she could be born now and be ok. Huge sigh of relief.

Emotionally, this week is going to be interesting. Having had Caroline at 28 weeks means reliving her birth a little bit. Tomorrow will be 11 months since her birthday. I'm doing ok so far, but I know I have the potential to break down at any time. God is good.

I'll be completely honest. I have been scared out of my mind this entire pregnancy. I did not want to lose Everleigh, and I've not been as graciously accepting of things this time around. I've been hospitalized twice, and each time I have wanted to fuss at God for allowing me to have to go through a difficult pregnancy after the craziness that was Caroline's time with us. I'm beginning to think he's done it to remind me that He's in control and that I can't rely too much on Everleigh to bring me peace and joy after the loss of Caroline.

This little girl is already so loved. I can't wait to meet her outside her little cocoon. I'm so thankful that God has allowed me this time with her, to carry her like I did Caroline, but with the difference of knowing she'll get to come home with us (barring any craziness, and if it's God's will).

So...I will continue to pray for peace of mind, deliverance from the crazy anxiety, and continued health for my precious girl. And hopefully she and God will hold off till February to have her make her appearance.