It's been a few more weeks, and I have learned so much. So. Much.
I picked up E's birth certificate this past week. Talk about a reality check. I think it's still hard for me to realize, some days, that Everleigh is here to stay. I mean, I know there is no guarantee for the future, but we have to live with the assumption that she will be with us for a while. That is just so crazy sometimes. Having Caroline, then having to give her up immediately, was my "normal." So having E, and getting to take her home and take care of her, watch her grow, know that someday she's going to walk and talk and go to school and all those other things that are "normal" for everyone else...it just blows my mind.
E is, so far, a pretty mild-mannered baby. She mostly only cries when she's hungry or needs something else. She's not a really fussy baby. She has her days, as do we all, but for the most part she's pretty mellow. She'll be seven weeks old tomorrow and is already sleeping pretty well at night (not all night, mind you, but not 2 or 3 hours at a time either). She's eating well, digesting well, developing well. It's all just such a blessing. And at the same time, so surreal.
I catch myself sometimes, thinking about how our lives are different now. I told Everleigh yesterday that I hope she finds Jesus early in life, that He loves her more than I ever could, which is a lot. Then I told her that she had to know Jesus in order to meet her sister, so she really needs to love Jesus. What an enormous responsibility the Lord has given us, to teach our sweet daughter about His love and salvation.
It kind of hit me then. Everleigh will never know her sister here on earth, but she will in Heaven. I knew that. It just hit home yesterday. It made me a little sad, that they won't ever get to do sister-y things together. That they won't even get to meet. But I'm grateful that Caroline is there waiting for us. I hope and pray Everleigh will love the Lord and accept his salvation. I never want to be eternally separated from my babies, and I don't want them to be eternally separated from God (and selfishly, me).
There are days where I am overwhelmed by motherhood. Not overwhelmed in the physical/emotional sense (although that happens occasionally as well), but overwhelmed in a sense of awe and glory. I feel incredibly blessed to be a mother of a baby that gets to stay for a while. It's teaching me a lot about myself, just as much as it's teaching me about E and parenthood.
It's a time for rejoicing. :)
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Welcome Precious Blessing
For all of you who have been waiting for little E's birth story, I'm finally getting around to writing it all down. Having newborn in the house has made it a little more difficult to get everything done. :)
So...here we go.
I had Braxton Hicks contractions for a few months before Everleigh was born. Apparently that made me ready for labor a lot more easily than normal. By the time I went into the hospital to have her, I was 7cm dilated and 90% effaced, without having regular, intense labor contractions. I had contractions for about 5 days straight that were relatively frequent and somewhat uncomfortable, but nothing like labor contractions. My OB told me it was "the good Lord being nice to you." I laughed and agreed.
I went to my OB on Tuesday January 29th, and was 6cm, 50% effaced. In other words, I was halfway to where I needed to be to deliver. But I wasn't really in labor yet. My OB told me I could come in the next morning to be induced if I hadn't gone into labor naturally, because I'd be 39 weeks, and I was practically already ready anyway. So I came in at about 7:45am the next morning, January 30th. They got me all checked in and ready, and I was getting even closer to delivering, without really being in active labor.
My OB checked me at 9:00am, and decided that if she broke my water, I'd be delivering within hours. So she broke my water, and said she'd be close by for when things started happening.
An hour later, I was pushing, and at 10:34am, Everleigh was born. I managed to deliver her naturally with no pain meds and no major issues. She was 8lbs, 15oz, 20.5 inches long. She was prefect. She came out and started crying almost immediately, voicing her opinion already. She is beautiful, and we feel inordinately blessed to have her here with us.
I can tell you, I was a bundle of mixed emotions going into the hospital that morning. It was a Wednesday morning, and we got there just before 8am. I went in with Caroline on a Wednesday morning around 8am. Obviously the outcome was very different, but it was a little crazy to be having that kind of deja vu feeling. God granted me a lot of peace throughout the whole labor and delivery process. I was nowhere near as nervous as I thought I'd be, but I also felt a little detached from the whole experience, almost like I was watching myself go through it instead of actually going through it. I think that might have been God's grace to me so that I wouldn't freak out too much.
My mom and sister were able to come in for E's birth, and that was special. My mom is just such a great coach during labor. I don't know what I'd do without her. My hubby was also great. He was there with me every step of the way and handled everything really well. Seeing his face when he got to hold her for the first time was priceless. After losing Caroline, holding our baby girl took on a whole new meaning for us. It's always a miracle to watch a birth happen, and it's awe inspiring to hold that precious new life the first time, but for us, it was even more exciting because of what we lost previously. We took so many pictures. Haha.
Tomorrow, E will be 3 weeks old. She has already become such an integral part of our lives that I can't imagine life without her. We are exhausted and still getting used to having her home, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. She is so precious to us.
And without further ado, here are some pictures. Thanks for sharing this part of our journey with us.
So...here we go.
I had Braxton Hicks contractions for a few months before Everleigh was born. Apparently that made me ready for labor a lot more easily than normal. By the time I went into the hospital to have her, I was 7cm dilated and 90% effaced, without having regular, intense labor contractions. I had contractions for about 5 days straight that were relatively frequent and somewhat uncomfortable, but nothing like labor contractions. My OB told me it was "the good Lord being nice to you." I laughed and agreed.
I went to my OB on Tuesday January 29th, and was 6cm, 50% effaced. In other words, I was halfway to where I needed to be to deliver. But I wasn't really in labor yet. My OB told me I could come in the next morning to be induced if I hadn't gone into labor naturally, because I'd be 39 weeks, and I was practically already ready anyway. So I came in at about 7:45am the next morning, January 30th. They got me all checked in and ready, and I was getting even closer to delivering, without really being in active labor.
My OB checked me at 9:00am, and decided that if she broke my water, I'd be delivering within hours. So she broke my water, and said she'd be close by for when things started happening.
An hour later, I was pushing, and at 10:34am, Everleigh was born. I managed to deliver her naturally with no pain meds and no major issues. She was 8lbs, 15oz, 20.5 inches long. She was prefect. She came out and started crying almost immediately, voicing her opinion already. She is beautiful, and we feel inordinately blessed to have her here with us.
I can tell you, I was a bundle of mixed emotions going into the hospital that morning. It was a Wednesday morning, and we got there just before 8am. I went in with Caroline on a Wednesday morning around 8am. Obviously the outcome was very different, but it was a little crazy to be having that kind of deja vu feeling. God granted me a lot of peace throughout the whole labor and delivery process. I was nowhere near as nervous as I thought I'd be, but I also felt a little detached from the whole experience, almost like I was watching myself go through it instead of actually going through it. I think that might have been God's grace to me so that I wouldn't freak out too much.
My mom and sister were able to come in for E's birth, and that was special. My mom is just such a great coach during labor. I don't know what I'd do without her. My hubby was also great. He was there with me every step of the way and handled everything really well. Seeing his face when he got to hold her for the first time was priceless. After losing Caroline, holding our baby girl took on a whole new meaning for us. It's always a miracle to watch a birth happen, and it's awe inspiring to hold that precious new life the first time, but for us, it was even more exciting because of what we lost previously. We took so many pictures. Haha.
Tomorrow, E will be 3 weeks old. She has already become such an integral part of our lives that I can't imagine life without her. We are exhausted and still getting used to having her home, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. She is so precious to us.
And without further ado, here are some pictures. Thanks for sharing this part of our journey with us.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Almost there
I'm 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. Holy cow.
I'm getting so close to meeting our little miracle. I can't wait. And yet I'm terrified. Haha.
The more I think about labor and delivery, the more I remember what it was like with Caroline. That was such a defining day in my life. For a few months after she was born, I replayed that day over and over again. It was my only day with her outside the womb here on earth. And there was the "normal" parent awe of seeing your child born. So that day was very meaningful to me, for obvious reasons. After a few months, though, it was no longer on the forefront of my mind. It was one of those ephemeral memories that you pull out on occasion to reminisce.
Now that I'm drawing close to that day with this baby, it's making me remember again. I had a relatively easy labor and birth with Caroline. I have no reason to believe Everleigh will be any different, except for the fact that she'll be full term and bigger and all that jazz. It makes me slightly nervous to think about it all. I mentioned in my last post the concurrent emotions of fear/anxiety and excitement. Definitely still have all that going on. I am terrified and excited beyond belief at the same time. I can't wait to meet Everleigh, but I am incredibly nervous.
I had a check up with my OB this morning. She told me I had progressed a bit, and that when I go into labor, it will probably be pretty quick. That is both awesome and nerve wrecking. Haha. Since my mom is flying in from out of town, I would really like for her to be here when Everleigh is born. If she's not already here when I go into labor, she might not make it in time. Bah. I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control, and Ev will come when she's supposed to. If Mom is here, then awesome for me. If not, then I'll manage with God's help. :) While my mom is an awesome labor coach that would be an enormous help, I've come to realize that this time around, I think I want her here for moral/emotional support as much as for the help during labor.
I don't know that I can properly put into words what the end of this pregnancy is like for me. It's all new to me, since I didn't get this far with Caroline, and her birth was slightly abnormal because of her condition. The waiting for Caroline was hard in its way, because we knew it would be the end. The waiting for Everleigh is hard in a different way. I can't wait to meet her, but I'm afraid to at the same time. I mentioned a lot of the reasons for that in my last post, so I won't go into that too much this time. Suffice it to say that I am just a big ball of conflicting emotions.
In all of this, though, I can tell you I feel a sense of the supernatural. This is all one big amazing miracle to me. Every fear is underlaid with the awe that I am not in control, that this is bigger than me. Every feeling of excitement is laced with the incredulity that God has seen fit to bless us with another precious girl. Every anxiety is undercut by the knowledge that God is the one in control, not me, so I can't screw up my kid enough to thwart God's plan for her life. This is not just another labor, delivery, and all that comes after, to me. It's a miracle that goes beyond me, Cameron, and Everleigh. It's another way to point toward God and the Son He sent to Earth.
So, as the hormones rage, the feelings march through, and the truth fights to be acknowledged, I am just doing my best to remember the greater things. God is in control, He's got it all figured out, and I'm just along for the ride to give Him the glory. As imperfectly as I'm doing that. Pretty soon, I'll have my precious daughter in my arms and can rejoice in His goodness all the more. I can't wait to see the face of this little miracle. Thanks for listening to my rambling. :)
I'm getting so close to meeting our little miracle. I can't wait. And yet I'm terrified. Haha.
The more I think about labor and delivery, the more I remember what it was like with Caroline. That was such a defining day in my life. For a few months after she was born, I replayed that day over and over again. It was my only day with her outside the womb here on earth. And there was the "normal" parent awe of seeing your child born. So that day was very meaningful to me, for obvious reasons. After a few months, though, it was no longer on the forefront of my mind. It was one of those ephemeral memories that you pull out on occasion to reminisce.
Now that I'm drawing close to that day with this baby, it's making me remember again. I had a relatively easy labor and birth with Caroline. I have no reason to believe Everleigh will be any different, except for the fact that she'll be full term and bigger and all that jazz. It makes me slightly nervous to think about it all. I mentioned in my last post the concurrent emotions of fear/anxiety and excitement. Definitely still have all that going on. I am terrified and excited beyond belief at the same time. I can't wait to meet Everleigh, but I am incredibly nervous.
I had a check up with my OB this morning. She told me I had progressed a bit, and that when I go into labor, it will probably be pretty quick. That is both awesome and nerve wrecking. Haha. Since my mom is flying in from out of town, I would really like for her to be here when Everleigh is born. If she's not already here when I go into labor, she might not make it in time. Bah. I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control, and Ev will come when she's supposed to. If Mom is here, then awesome for me. If not, then I'll manage with God's help. :) While my mom is an awesome labor coach that would be an enormous help, I've come to realize that this time around, I think I want her here for moral/emotional support as much as for the help during labor.
I don't know that I can properly put into words what the end of this pregnancy is like for me. It's all new to me, since I didn't get this far with Caroline, and her birth was slightly abnormal because of her condition. The waiting for Caroline was hard in its way, because we knew it would be the end. The waiting for Everleigh is hard in a different way. I can't wait to meet her, but I'm afraid to at the same time. I mentioned a lot of the reasons for that in my last post, so I won't go into that too much this time. Suffice it to say that I am just a big ball of conflicting emotions.
In all of this, though, I can tell you I feel a sense of the supernatural. This is all one big amazing miracle to me. Every fear is underlaid with the awe that I am not in control, that this is bigger than me. Every feeling of excitement is laced with the incredulity that God has seen fit to bless us with another precious girl. Every anxiety is undercut by the knowledge that God is the one in control, not me, so I can't screw up my kid enough to thwart God's plan for her life. This is not just another labor, delivery, and all that comes after, to me. It's a miracle that goes beyond me, Cameron, and Everleigh. It's another way to point toward God and the Son He sent to Earth.
So, as the hormones rage, the feelings march through, and the truth fights to be acknowledged, I am just doing my best to remember the greater things. God is in control, He's got it all figured out, and I'm just along for the ride to give Him the glory. As imperfectly as I'm doing that. Pretty soon, I'll have my precious daughter in my arms and can rejoice in His goodness all the more. I can't wait to see the face of this little miracle. Thanks for listening to my rambling. :)
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Full term musings
Holy cow, I'm considered full term today. 37 weeks.
Everleigh could come any day now. For the next 4-5 weeks. I'm going to lose my mind.
I am having a lot of unexpected mixed emotions. I think I've been so focused on keeping her in for a while because of the craziness earlier in my pregnancy, that now I'm like, wait, what happened? I can have her now? Relinquishing that "Don't come yet." vibe is proving a little difficult. At the same time, I can't wait for her to get here. Cameron can't either. He wants her now. Yesterday would be preferred. Haha. He wants "his turn" as he puts it. I've gotten to hold her for nine months, and now he wants to be able to. It's rather endearing, actually, to see how excited he is. I can't wait to see his face when he holds her the first time.
And now...here comes honesty time. Yeehaw.
I am scared out of my mind sometimes. For many reasons. I have the semi-irrational fear that I'm going to lose Everleigh at the last minute (cord accident, labor distress, etc). I know it's unlikely, and I'm not overwhelmed by it, but the nagging doubt is there nonetheless. I'm also scared of bringing her home and screwing up royally as a mom. Also semi-irrational. Now that I'm full term, I guess it's all just kicking in. I've never had a chance to take care of a newborn. I delivered a child, held her for a few hours, and then had to let her go. This time...there's no letting go, in the physical sense. I will be "stuck" with Everleigh until adulthood. I am so incredibly grateful for that, but it scares me too. Haha. I think that's probably pretty normal. What new mom isn't a little nervous about her abilities? I have a feeling I'll be praying a lot in the near future. Prayers like, "Lord, please don't let me screw up this poor child you've blessed me with." :)
This is also bringing back memories of my delivery with Caroline. While I've birthed a child before, it was a weird situation with weird results. It was not a normal delivery/birth experience, even though I went through a relatively normal labor/delivery. She was early, and therefore small. We didn't have to worry about APGAR scores or billirubin counts or jaundice or breathing support or anything like that. We knew she wouldn't make it before she got here, and because she was already with Jesus when she came out, it was really unnecessary to do much of anything besides clean her off and hold her for a while. Now, I have a healthy baby coming. I'm going to have to wonder if everything will be ok when she comes out. She'll be bigger, she'll be more developed. Labor and delivery will be different because I'm full term instead of at the beginning of my third trimester. I almost feel like I'm going into this as a first timer because it's the first time things will be "normal." It's making me a little nervous, even though I generally know what to expect.
I'm also ridiculously emotional. I can thank the lovely pregnancy hormones for some of it, but not all of it. It's kinda made me sad to think that we can't have Caroline there to meet her sister. I was extremely tempted to buy a little outfit for Everleigh that said "Little Sister." I decided not to, partially because I know that it would raise some questions when out in public that I wouldn't necessarily want to answer, but I might go back and get it anyway, and just use it at home. She'll always be a little sister, even though she'll be the "oldest" at home. It's such a weird dynamic, and it's so hard to deal with sometimes.
I have my hospital bag packed, and one of the things I'm taking with me is my Caroline Bunny. If Caroline can't be there in person, then she'll have a surrogate in her bunny. I know for some people that might sound silly, but it is what it is. There will be amazing joy when we get to meet Everleigh face to face. But there will be a hole there, too. Our missing daughter. The one who's gone on to our eternal home, so she can't be here in our temporal one to meet her sister. It won't be the main focus of Everleigh's birthday, but it will be a part of it. There's no getting around it. Hopefully my bunny can help me feel a little better about it all.
I know having a baby is an emotional thing regardless your history. It's a miracle, and it should be emotional. If you feel nothing when you're expecting, delivering, and raising a child, well...I don't know how that's possible. I also know that because of Caroline, we're probably slightly more emotional in some ways. I've done my best this whole pregnancy to place my fears and anxieties at the feet of Jesus. It hasn't been easy to do. I've failed on many occasions, and allowed the feelings to rule. But I know God is sovereign and has everything under control, even when I don't behave as if I believe it. I'm having to lean on that now, as I face a delivery that is coming sooner than later.
I miss Caroline these days. I wish she was here to meet her sister. I feel a little cheated sometimes, that my family will never be "whole" here on earth. There will always be someone missing. But...it's the path we've been given to walk. It's the path Christ has allowed us to walk to give Him glory in our suffering. So I want to keep glorifying Him in my response, even though I'm imperfect and frail.
And while I do have a lot of fears and anxieties, I am ecstatically happy to be so close to meeting Everleigh. We feel enormously blessed to be having her. I can't wait to see what she looks like. I can't wait to meet her and hold her. I can't wait to bring her home and make her a part of our lives. I can't wait to show her off to all the people who have showered us with prayers, encouragement, gifts, and love. This precious miracle is going to be the recipient of more love and rejoicing than she will ever know. I'm so grateful to have so many people who love us and support us.
So...after saying all that. I am so happy to be full term. I can't believe it's almost time to meet Everleigh, finally. I can't wait, even though I'm a little nervous. To God be the Glory, great things He has done. Thank you Lord for our precious blessing.
Everleigh could come any day now. For the next 4-5 weeks. I'm going to lose my mind.
I am having a lot of unexpected mixed emotions. I think I've been so focused on keeping her in for a while because of the craziness earlier in my pregnancy, that now I'm like, wait, what happened? I can have her now? Relinquishing that "Don't come yet." vibe is proving a little difficult. At the same time, I can't wait for her to get here. Cameron can't either. He wants her now. Yesterday would be preferred. Haha. He wants "his turn" as he puts it. I've gotten to hold her for nine months, and now he wants to be able to. It's rather endearing, actually, to see how excited he is. I can't wait to see his face when he holds her the first time.
And now...here comes honesty time. Yeehaw.
I am scared out of my mind sometimes. For many reasons. I have the semi-irrational fear that I'm going to lose Everleigh at the last minute (cord accident, labor distress, etc). I know it's unlikely, and I'm not overwhelmed by it, but the nagging doubt is there nonetheless. I'm also scared of bringing her home and screwing up royally as a mom. Also semi-irrational. Now that I'm full term, I guess it's all just kicking in. I've never had a chance to take care of a newborn. I delivered a child, held her for a few hours, and then had to let her go. This time...there's no letting go, in the physical sense. I will be "stuck" with Everleigh until adulthood. I am so incredibly grateful for that, but it scares me too. Haha. I think that's probably pretty normal. What new mom isn't a little nervous about her abilities? I have a feeling I'll be praying a lot in the near future. Prayers like, "Lord, please don't let me screw up this poor child you've blessed me with." :)
This is also bringing back memories of my delivery with Caroline. While I've birthed a child before, it was a weird situation with weird results. It was not a normal delivery/birth experience, even though I went through a relatively normal labor/delivery. She was early, and therefore small. We didn't have to worry about APGAR scores or billirubin counts or jaundice or breathing support or anything like that. We knew she wouldn't make it before she got here, and because she was already with Jesus when she came out, it was really unnecessary to do much of anything besides clean her off and hold her for a while. Now, I have a healthy baby coming. I'm going to have to wonder if everything will be ok when she comes out. She'll be bigger, she'll be more developed. Labor and delivery will be different because I'm full term instead of at the beginning of my third trimester. I almost feel like I'm going into this as a first timer because it's the first time things will be "normal." It's making me a little nervous, even though I generally know what to expect.
I'm also ridiculously emotional. I can thank the lovely pregnancy hormones for some of it, but not all of it. It's kinda made me sad to think that we can't have Caroline there to meet her sister. I was extremely tempted to buy a little outfit for Everleigh that said "Little Sister." I decided not to, partially because I know that it would raise some questions when out in public that I wouldn't necessarily want to answer, but I might go back and get it anyway, and just use it at home. She'll always be a little sister, even though she'll be the "oldest" at home. It's such a weird dynamic, and it's so hard to deal with sometimes.
I have my hospital bag packed, and one of the things I'm taking with me is my Caroline Bunny. If Caroline can't be there in person, then she'll have a surrogate in her bunny. I know for some people that might sound silly, but it is what it is. There will be amazing joy when we get to meet Everleigh face to face. But there will be a hole there, too. Our missing daughter. The one who's gone on to our eternal home, so she can't be here in our temporal one to meet her sister. It won't be the main focus of Everleigh's birthday, but it will be a part of it. There's no getting around it. Hopefully my bunny can help me feel a little better about it all.
I know having a baby is an emotional thing regardless your history. It's a miracle, and it should be emotional. If you feel nothing when you're expecting, delivering, and raising a child, well...I don't know how that's possible. I also know that because of Caroline, we're probably slightly more emotional in some ways. I've done my best this whole pregnancy to place my fears and anxieties at the feet of Jesus. It hasn't been easy to do. I've failed on many occasions, and allowed the feelings to rule. But I know God is sovereign and has everything under control, even when I don't behave as if I believe it. I'm having to lean on that now, as I face a delivery that is coming sooner than later.
I miss Caroline these days. I wish she was here to meet her sister. I feel a little cheated sometimes, that my family will never be "whole" here on earth. There will always be someone missing. But...it's the path we've been given to walk. It's the path Christ has allowed us to walk to give Him glory in our suffering. So I want to keep glorifying Him in my response, even though I'm imperfect and frail.
And while I do have a lot of fears and anxieties, I am ecstatically happy to be so close to meeting Everleigh. We feel enormously blessed to be having her. I can't wait to see what she looks like. I can't wait to meet her and hold her. I can't wait to bring her home and make her a part of our lives. I can't wait to show her off to all the people who have showered us with prayers, encouragement, gifts, and love. This precious miracle is going to be the recipient of more love and rejoicing than she will ever know. I'm so grateful to have so many people who love us and support us.
So...after saying all that. I am so happy to be full term. I can't believe it's almost time to meet Everleigh, finally. I can't wait, even though I'm a little nervous. To God be the Glory, great things He has done. Thank you Lord for our precious blessing.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year!
It's officially 2013.
We've been through our first full year without Caroline. We're starting the year when we'll get to meet Everleigh in person. Quite an eventful year coming up.
I will never forget Caroline. I've said that many times before. And it's true. I have no desire to forget her. But I will say that as time goes by, it's getting easier to face the day to day without her. This Christmas and New Year season has been a little difficult because we were remembering last year at this time, when we were dealing with Caroline's immediate loss. She was born on the 15th of December, her memorial service was on December 29, and her funeral was on January 7. So...there's been a lot of remembering.
I also had to kinda deal with the feelings of "unfairness" that we weren't getting to buy her Christmas presents, and we weren't getting to take Christmas pictures of her. Last year, I signed her name on our Christmas cards, and I didn't this year. There were a lot of times where I really missed her in that regard. It wasn't an overwhelming pain or anything, just a lot of twinges of "what might have been."
It did, in a lot of ways, make me look forward to next Christmas, when, God willing, Everleigh will be here with us to celebrate. It's made me look forward to this year in general, because we'll have most of the year with her. If she comes on or around her due date, she'll be born barely over a month into 2013. I can't wait.
If you're reading this post and have recently lost a child, hang in there. I know that it's difficult, especially at first, to look forward to the New Year when you've lost someone precious. Just know that you're not alone. There are many of us who have been where you are. I'm always willing to hear from you (see the contact tab at the top of the blog). Last year, New Year's was hard for us. Our loss was very recent, and we were just ready to be done with 2011 and move on to 2012. And we weren't really sure what 2012 would entail. Now, looking back, it was a pretty good year. We definitely had some challenging times, and there were times that I wish would have been easier, but ultimately, everything worked out like it was supposed to. I am so grateful God has brought us through our first year without Caroline, and is now allowing us to look forward to another special blessing.
I hope that you all have a wonderful year this year. Even if it's a difficult year, just know that God is still there, and there are people who can support you through it. God bless you all in 2013!
We've been through our first full year without Caroline. We're starting the year when we'll get to meet Everleigh in person. Quite an eventful year coming up.
I will never forget Caroline. I've said that many times before. And it's true. I have no desire to forget her. But I will say that as time goes by, it's getting easier to face the day to day without her. This Christmas and New Year season has been a little difficult because we were remembering last year at this time, when we were dealing with Caroline's immediate loss. She was born on the 15th of December, her memorial service was on December 29, and her funeral was on January 7. So...there's been a lot of remembering.
I also had to kinda deal with the feelings of "unfairness" that we weren't getting to buy her Christmas presents, and we weren't getting to take Christmas pictures of her. Last year, I signed her name on our Christmas cards, and I didn't this year. There were a lot of times where I really missed her in that regard. It wasn't an overwhelming pain or anything, just a lot of twinges of "what might have been."
It did, in a lot of ways, make me look forward to next Christmas, when, God willing, Everleigh will be here with us to celebrate. It's made me look forward to this year in general, because we'll have most of the year with her. If she comes on or around her due date, she'll be born barely over a month into 2013. I can't wait.
If you're reading this post and have recently lost a child, hang in there. I know that it's difficult, especially at first, to look forward to the New Year when you've lost someone precious. Just know that you're not alone. There are many of us who have been where you are. I'm always willing to hear from you (see the contact tab at the top of the blog). Last year, New Year's was hard for us. Our loss was very recent, and we were just ready to be done with 2011 and move on to 2012. And we weren't really sure what 2012 would entail. Now, looking back, it was a pretty good year. We definitely had some challenging times, and there were times that I wish would have been easier, but ultimately, everything worked out like it was supposed to. I am so grateful God has brought us through our first year without Caroline, and is now allowing us to look forward to another special blessing.
I hope that you all have a wonderful year this year. Even if it's a difficult year, just know that God is still there, and there are people who can support you through it. God bless you all in 2013!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Happy Birthday Caroline!
Today is Caroline's birthday. It's been one year since we both celebrated her coming and mourned her loss.
One year.
It's a little hard to believe it's been a year. In some ways, it feels much, much longer. In others, it feels like just yesterday. Cameron and I have decided that sometimes it doesn't even feel real. It was such an emotionally intense moment, and then...we just had to let go. As we prepare for Christmas, it's been quite bittersweet. I put up her stocking, and I put her ornaments on the tree. I can remember how I felt last year at this time, trying to find ways to celebrate Caroline's life while preparing to lose her.
So far, I haven't completely lost it. There is still time. Haha. But I am taking comfort in the fact that the same Jesus that walked with me through this day last year is still walking with me as I remember it this year. God is a good and gracious God, giving me peace and strength on a day that has the potential to break me down.
I expect a few tears. I expect to have some melancholy moments. But even through the remembered grief and new bittersweet memories, I can feel God's presence and comfort. He is still here, holding me up as I walk through this first birthday.
I am blessed with some amazing family and friends that have walked this path with me. I can never say thank you enough to them, or to God for blessing me with them.
Now, during this season of loss, I can also thank God for the blessing of Everleigh. While she can't and won't replace Caroline, we feel so blessed to have her to look forward to this Christmas season. I am so grateful that God saw fit to bless us with her even as we mourn Caroline. He has turned our weeping into laughter and our wailing to dancing. Praise the Lord, from whom all blessings flow. He gave us our blessing of Caroline, and now He has given us our blessing of Everleigh.
I made a little collage of pictures from Caroline's birthday last year. What a precious memory we have in our photos. I am so grateful we were able to take so many, and to have them to remember her by. I hope you enjoy remembering with us today.
One year.
It's a little hard to believe it's been a year. In some ways, it feels much, much longer. In others, it feels like just yesterday. Cameron and I have decided that sometimes it doesn't even feel real. It was such an emotionally intense moment, and then...we just had to let go. As we prepare for Christmas, it's been quite bittersweet. I put up her stocking, and I put her ornaments on the tree. I can remember how I felt last year at this time, trying to find ways to celebrate Caroline's life while preparing to lose her.
So far, I haven't completely lost it. There is still time. Haha. But I am taking comfort in the fact that the same Jesus that walked with me through this day last year is still walking with me as I remember it this year. God is a good and gracious God, giving me peace and strength on a day that has the potential to break me down.
I expect a few tears. I expect to have some melancholy moments. But even through the remembered grief and new bittersweet memories, I can feel God's presence and comfort. He is still here, holding me up as I walk through this first birthday.
I am blessed with some amazing family and friends that have walked this path with me. I can never say thank you enough to them, or to God for blessing me with them.
Now, during this season of loss, I can also thank God for the blessing of Everleigh. While she can't and won't replace Caroline, we feel so blessed to have her to look forward to this Christmas season. I am so grateful that God saw fit to bless us with her even as we mourn Caroline. He has turned our weeping into laughter and our wailing to dancing. Praise the Lord, from whom all blessings flow. He gave us our blessing of Caroline, and now He has given us our blessing of Everleigh.
I made a little collage of pictures from Caroline's birthday last year. What a precious memory we have in our photos. I am so grateful we were able to take so many, and to have them to remember her by. I hope you enjoy remembering with us today.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
30 weeks
I made it to 30 weeks today. One step closer to Everleigh coming in a timeframe that is healthy. Hopefully that means full term. :)
I am more pregnant now than I ever have been. I'm starting to experience new things that I didn't with Caroline. My belly is bigger than when Caroline was born. Everleigh is bigger than Caroline was when she was born. I'm starting to get more of those pesky aches and pains that accompany late pregnancy. I have started getting Braxton Hicks contractions. Man, those freaked me out BAD the first day. Now that I know what they are and have been reassured by my doctor that nothing is happening to progress me toward labor, I can handle them. I mostly feel them in the morning, and then I don't get them as much later in the day. Thank the Lord.
At my most recent check up, my doctor did another preterm labor test called a fetal fibronectin test. It came back negative, which means I should be good for another couple weeks. :)
I'll admit that this part of my pregnancy has kinda thrown me for a bit of a loop. I didn't realize how much I missed out on with Caroline's pregnancy. Some of it is not entirely pleasant, like the pain and BH contractions, but some of it is cool. Everleigh moves in an entirely different way than Caroline ever did, and it's fun to watch her do an impression of that scene from the movie Alien. My belly does weird things. Haha.
My belly is bigger, I have to wear more maternity clothes. Even just the thought that we will bring this one home, God willing, is a totally new thing. Preparing for her arrival is completely different than preparing for Caroline's. We're having to get a nursery together. We have to get a car seat and stroller. I'm excitedly looking at clothes, knowing she'll get to wear them all, not just one thing.
Cameron and I were talking the other day, and it's funny how similar we've been feeling about certain things. One is bringing Everleigh home. I think it hit us both that we actually get to bring her home. It was kind of an ephemeral awareness before, like we knew it logically, but it hadn't quite become real to us. Everleigh's birthday isn't the end of her time with us, like it was for Caroline. It's really just the beginning. With Caroline, our lives didn't really change on the day to day level of sleepless nights, impositions on our schedules, having to plan around carrying an infant around with us. We were heart broken and our lives were changed in a deeper way, but our day to day activities pretty much remained the same. With Everleigh, that's not going to happen. She'll keep us up at night, and she'll infringe on our social schedule, and she'll need to be fed constantly. She's going to change our lives. And we're going to love every minute of it. And that part just recently hit us, I think.
I'm not naive enough to think that there will not be days that are ridiculously difficult. I know I'll get annoyed or short tempered or cranky. I know I'll complain about certain things. So when I say we'll love every minute of it, I mean we're going to love it because it means we have a baby girl that is a huge blessing. I don't mean I'm going to literally love sleeping for three hours a night. Or that I'm going to love not taking a shower whenever I want. But overall, I am going to be so stinking grateful for Everleigh that it will temper the inconveniences.
I have a lot of friends with babies right now. Born any time from June to last week. It makes me so much more anxious to hold my precious girl. I can't wait to meet her outside her little home right now. Ok, let me rephrase. I can wait until she's full term because then she'll be healthy. But I am so excited to see her. Haha. I am rejoicing with every week that passes that God is continuing to knit her together in my womb to get her to where she needs to be to meet us. Each week is a blessing and a victory. One step closer to a healthy delivery.
So...30 weeks. Ten more weeks to go. I just might make it this time. :)
I am more pregnant now than I ever have been. I'm starting to experience new things that I didn't with Caroline. My belly is bigger than when Caroline was born. Everleigh is bigger than Caroline was when she was born. I'm starting to get more of those pesky aches and pains that accompany late pregnancy. I have started getting Braxton Hicks contractions. Man, those freaked me out BAD the first day. Now that I know what they are and have been reassured by my doctor that nothing is happening to progress me toward labor, I can handle them. I mostly feel them in the morning, and then I don't get them as much later in the day. Thank the Lord.
At my most recent check up, my doctor did another preterm labor test called a fetal fibronectin test. It came back negative, which means I should be good for another couple weeks. :)
I'll admit that this part of my pregnancy has kinda thrown me for a bit of a loop. I didn't realize how much I missed out on with Caroline's pregnancy. Some of it is not entirely pleasant, like the pain and BH contractions, but some of it is cool. Everleigh moves in an entirely different way than Caroline ever did, and it's fun to watch her do an impression of that scene from the movie Alien. My belly does weird things. Haha.
My belly is bigger, I have to wear more maternity clothes. Even just the thought that we will bring this one home, God willing, is a totally new thing. Preparing for her arrival is completely different than preparing for Caroline's. We're having to get a nursery together. We have to get a car seat and stroller. I'm excitedly looking at clothes, knowing she'll get to wear them all, not just one thing.
Cameron and I were talking the other day, and it's funny how similar we've been feeling about certain things. One is bringing Everleigh home. I think it hit us both that we actually get to bring her home. It was kind of an ephemeral awareness before, like we knew it logically, but it hadn't quite become real to us. Everleigh's birthday isn't the end of her time with us, like it was for Caroline. It's really just the beginning. With Caroline, our lives didn't really change on the day to day level of sleepless nights, impositions on our schedules, having to plan around carrying an infant around with us. We were heart broken and our lives were changed in a deeper way, but our day to day activities pretty much remained the same. With Everleigh, that's not going to happen. She'll keep us up at night, and she'll infringe on our social schedule, and she'll need to be fed constantly. She's going to change our lives. And we're going to love every minute of it. And that part just recently hit us, I think.
I'm not naive enough to think that there will not be days that are ridiculously difficult. I know I'll get annoyed or short tempered or cranky. I know I'll complain about certain things. So when I say we'll love every minute of it, I mean we're going to love it because it means we have a baby girl that is a huge blessing. I don't mean I'm going to literally love sleeping for three hours a night. Or that I'm going to love not taking a shower whenever I want. But overall, I am going to be so stinking grateful for Everleigh that it will temper the inconveniences.
I have a lot of friends with babies right now. Born any time from June to last week. It makes me so much more anxious to hold my precious girl. I can't wait to meet her outside her little home right now. Ok, let me rephrase. I can wait until she's full term because then she'll be healthy. But I am so excited to see her. Haha. I am rejoicing with every week that passes that God is continuing to knit her together in my womb to get her to where she needs to be to meet us. Each week is a blessing and a victory. One step closer to a healthy delivery.
So...30 weeks. Ten more weeks to go. I just might make it this time. :)
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