Blessings

Well, I had my 16 week check up with my specialist this week.  All is well with Baby, and we got to find out what we're having.  :)

We're very excited.  We're also having trouble deciding on a name.  Haha.  Caroline's name was so easy to decide on.  It was almost instantaneous.  Cameron and I both liked it, and it was done.  Not so much with this sweet girl.  It's taking us a bit longer this time.  Haha.

Before we knew what we were having, Cameron and I talked about gender, and whether we would prefer having a girl or boy this time around.  Obviously, we would have been happy to have any child, no matter the gender.  But I think most parents at least think about what gender they would rather have, even if it really doesn't matter to them.  For us, it was more, Can we handle having another girl?  Will she remind us too much of Caroline?  Would it be easier to have a boy since he'd be so different, or would it be harder because he's so different?  I don't think we really knew the answers to that at all.  I think we had to just take it as it came and deal with it then.

I'll be honest, I really wanted another girl.  I've thought a lot about why that is, and it's purely selfish.  I had my girl, but I didn't get to keep her.  I didn't get to do any of the fun girly stuff with her.  I didn't get to dress her up in cute little outfits, or put cute little headbands on her head or clips in her hair.  I didn't get to decorate a nursery with fun cutesy bedding, or find cute little socks and shoes to go with her outfits.

So, I wanted another girl, so I could do all the stuff I didn't get to do with Caroline.

I had to really question myself, about whether I was trying to "replace" her with this new baby.  I've decided that I'm not.  But I am looking forward to doing the things I missed with Caroline.  I think that's normal.  I think when we lose someone we love, we always try to be better with the people we still have.  We regret not spending more time with Grandma, so we make the effort to spend more time with our extended family.  We didn't say, "I love you," enough to Dad, so we make sure we say it more to our spouse and kids.  I think it's similar with me and this baby.  I didn't get time with Caroline, so I'm looking forward to the time I get with Baby Girl. 

I asked Cameron if he was ok having another girl when we found out.  You should have seen his face.  He had this sweet grin on his face and a light in his eyes.  He just looked at me for a second, then said quietly, "Yeah.  I'm glad it's a girl."  I think in some ways he feels a bit like I do.  He gets another chance to have a "Daddy's girl."  I married a good man.  I can't wait to see him be a daddy to the children we get to keep.  He was great with Caroline, and I know he'll be great with Baby Girl.

I can't wait to meet this child, especially if it's God's will to let us keep her for a while.  Cameron and I know nothing is guaranteed, even thought we have faith and hope that all will go well this time around.  I'm so excited.  God is so good.

Welcome Home

I just got to spend a week with my family back "home."  Where I grew up.  Where Caroline is buried.

I went to visit Caroline while I was there.  I mean, I know she isn't really "there," underneath her headstone, but I can't seem to say it any other way.

I had some mixed emotions while I was there.  The last time I stood on that plot of land was the day of the funeral.  Cameron and I live approximately 1500 miles from where I grew up, so it's not easy to get back there frequently.  It took me 7 months, in fact.  Haha.  So I had never even seen her headstone in person.  My family has been great about sending pictures so we knew what was going on, but I'd never seen it in person.  I don't really know why that's so important, but it was nice to feel like things were taken care of and that I had the opportunity to check on it.  I guess it's what a mom should do or something.

I'm sorry if this whole thing sounds slightly morbid or if it makes you uncomfortable.  That's not my intention.  But this was another milestone for me in my journey with Caroline.  Going back to visit her.

My mom was with me when I went, and I'm kinda glad she was.  It made things seem a little less somber or something.  I've been doing so well with "moving on" in life that I was almost surprised to find myself fighting tears.  I shouldn't have been surprised.  I should have expected to feel that way, I guess, but I didn't.  It kinda snuck up on me.

It reminded me that Caroline will always be a part of my life, and there will always be some remnant of the hurt of losing her.  I know that, intellectually, but it's sometimes hard to grasp emotionally.  I think anyone who has lost a loved one in some way just wants the whole thing to go away.  They want the person back, or they just want life to go back to normal, or they just don't want to have to think about it and deal with it because the loss is permanent and leaves an indelible mark on our lives.  We want to have emotional plastic surgery to remove the scar the loss caused.

At the same time, we would never wish that the person never existed for us to lose.  We wouldn't trade our time with that loved one for anything even though it had to hurt to lose them.  It's a strange mix of emotions.

To me, it's a reminder that this isn't home.  That I'm not supposed to be comfortable here.  That I can look forward to a place where I won't ever feel loss or pain anymore.  And my precious Caroline is already there enjoying it.  What a blessing.

I'm still incredibly grateful that God's grace has seen me through this loss so well.  I'm so glad that God has given me joy amidst the sorrow.  And I'm not talking about the new baby on the way, even though that is a source of joy.  No, what I'm talking about is that even before we started trying for the new baby, God gave me joy.  The joy came from Him, from His comfort, from His truth, from His grace to me.  He walked with me through all of it, from diagnosis till now.  He gave me joy with the pain.  He gave me hope.  He is so gracious to me.

I hope you have His joy.  It's better than anything.