Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Two months

Two months ago, my baby girl was born into Jesus's arms.

Two months.

I feel like I've lived an entire lifetime in those two months. It is amazing to me that it's only been two months. It's incredible.

I think Cameron and I are doing pretty well, considering. We still have our moments, but overall, we're doing better than I thought we would. It seems like it's been much longer than two months to me. I feel like where I am emotionally and spiritually is way beyond where I thought I'd be this soon after she was born. It's just another testimony of God's grace and faithfulness. He hasn't left us or failed us. He's still in control.

I will say I'm a little nervous for the next few weeks. Caroline's original due date was March 5th. That's coming up really soon, and I'm wondering how that day will go. I'm not anticipating a horrible mess, but it's possible. Haha. I know God will still be here with me on that day, and while it may be a little emotional, I think my mindset will be the same as it is everyday...Caroline is perfect and whole with Jesus in Heaven, and a day she "should" have been born on will just be another day to remember God's goodness and grace.

Cameron and I were talking about Caroline at dinner last night. We both agreed that while we didn't want to lose her, and we wish she could have been healthy enough to stay with us, we wouldn't wish her back now. Our perspective is different now, and we're different now. She changed our lives. She was here for the perfect amount of time. It was God's plan for her. We wouldn't want to change it. While there was pain in the journey, there was also joy and peace. We still have that joy and peace amidst our sorrow. It is an amazing thing. A miracle, really. We serve a mighty God, for sure.

I know I'll never "get over" losing Caroline, but I also know God's not done with me yet. I'm at peace with the loss. I see the good that has come from it, and I know there will continue to be good coming from it. I still hurt, and I still ask God to help me glorify Him in what I do, how I think, and how I respond. It's still not "easy." But it's ok. I don't know what the future holds here on earth. I do know my future holds Heaven, and Heaven holds my little girl. I will anxiously await my time with her in Heaven while seeking to do God's will while I'm still here on earth. It's the best I can do, and it's what I should do.

I love you, Sweet Caroline Grace. Happy two months in Heaven. I'll see you when I get there.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

New purpose

I am so grateful to serve such an amazing God. Seriously.

While I'm still having good days and bad days, I feel like I'm starting to get back to an even keel. Recently, God dropped some ministry opportunities in my lap, and I'm very exited about them.

We moved to our current location about 4 or 5 months before we got Caroline's diagnosis. I got pregnant right after we moved here. We were getting to the point where we wanted to get involved in some type of service for our church, but I was having trouble figuring out where I would fit. The only ministry opportunities I knew about were things I didn't really feel called to do. None of them would have taken advantage of my gifts and strengths. Then we got Caroline's diagnosis, and I knew that serving in a prolonged capacity would have to wait. Dealing with Caroline's situation was enough to deal with...serving would have put me over the edge emotionally.

So I waited. Caroline was born almost two months ago. I can't believe it's been two months. It seems like forever ago and like yesterday all at the same time. The first month after she was born, we spent making arrangements, traveling, and grieving. The past few weeks, I've been resting and letting God heal my heart. This past weekend, I found out about a new ministry that our church is starting, and it was like God set it in my lap and said, "Here you go." It is right up my alley of strengths and gifts, and it's giving me a renewed sense of purpose.

Knowing I have a ministry to work in, it makes my time seem valuable again. During our time with Caroline, it was like my life was on hold, waiting to see what God had in store for us. I'm not complaining or saying that my time with Caroline had no value and made no difference. That would be completely ludicrous to say. But it was like everything was about Caroline. That was ok. It needed to be. God used that situation to teach me, to reach others, and to make a difference for a lot of people. Now that Caroline is gone to be with Jesus, I don't have that same purpose. I have no Caroline to focus on.

So God came up with the solution. He gave me something else to do to serve Him.

I miss Caroline. I'm still grieving her loss. But I'm now able to look toward the future with renewed hope and renewed purpose. I know God has a plan, and I know He's made the way for me. His timing is perfect, His love is amazing, and His providence is beyond my greatest imagination.

I am so grateful to serve such an amazing God.