Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Two months

Two months ago, my baby girl was born into Jesus's arms.

Two months.

I feel like I've lived an entire lifetime in those two months. It is amazing to me that it's only been two months. It's incredible.

I think Cameron and I are doing pretty well, considering. We still have our moments, but overall, we're doing better than I thought we would. It seems like it's been much longer than two months to me. I feel like where I am emotionally and spiritually is way beyond where I thought I'd be this soon after she was born. It's just another testimony of God's grace and faithfulness. He hasn't left us or failed us. He's still in control.

I will say I'm a little nervous for the next few weeks. Caroline's original due date was March 5th. That's coming up really soon, and I'm wondering how that day will go. I'm not anticipating a horrible mess, but it's possible. Haha. I know God will still be here with me on that day, and while it may be a little emotional, I think my mindset will be the same as it is everyday...Caroline is perfect and whole with Jesus in Heaven, and a day she "should" have been born on will just be another day to remember God's goodness and grace.

Cameron and I were talking about Caroline at dinner last night. We both agreed that while we didn't want to lose her, and we wish she could have been healthy enough to stay with us, we wouldn't wish her back now. Our perspective is different now, and we're different now. She changed our lives. She was here for the perfect amount of time. It was God's plan for her. We wouldn't want to change it. While there was pain in the journey, there was also joy and peace. We still have that joy and peace amidst our sorrow. It is an amazing thing. A miracle, really. We serve a mighty God, for sure.

I know I'll never "get over" losing Caroline, but I also know God's not done with me yet. I'm at peace with the loss. I see the good that has come from it, and I know there will continue to be good coming from it. I still hurt, and I still ask God to help me glorify Him in what I do, how I think, and how I respond. It's still not "easy." But it's ok. I don't know what the future holds here on earth. I do know my future holds Heaven, and Heaven holds my little girl. I will anxiously await my time with her in Heaven while seeking to do God's will while I'm still here on earth. It's the best I can do, and it's what I should do.

I love you, Sweet Caroline Grace. Happy two months in Heaven. I'll see you when I get there.


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