So, it's been a while since I last posted. Having a baby around will do that to ya, I guess. It's hard enough finding time to get the laundry done, so blogging has found it's way to the bottom of the priority pile.
However.
This post is something I need to write for myself. It may not be useful to anyone else, but it will be to me. I hope.
I've been struggling a little bit lately. Probably not any more than any other new mom, but I have been struggling. I'll explain how, and maybe I'm crazy, but I hope not.
I'm tired. Like soul-deep, no amount of sleep will help, I need a break tired. Such is life with an infant. I think we all have those times as parents. It's just a season we have to push through in raising our children. We recently have been rather uprooted. We traveled for a full month, visiting family and such. Then we had to move several states away. Let's just say I got really sick of suitcases. And boxes. And pack and plays. And...well, you get the idea. It is incredibly frustrating to feel unsettled. Especially with a baby. Our poor child has not had a really consistent schedule in months. I know she'll survive, but I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable.
Because we just moved, I've had to sort through the mess the movers made of our stuff. I won't go into the headache of that, just suffice it to say they jacked some things up. Anyway, one thing I've had to do is sort through all our files. As I was sorting through stuff, I came across Caroline's death certificate and funeral stuff. Usually, I'm not overwhelmed by Caroline and what happened. But for some reason, seeing that stuff just hit me hard. I started crying and just lost it. I don't know why. I just was overwhelmed by emotion and needed a good cry, apparently. It was weird to have it just sneak up on me and hit me so hard. I suppose that my life will consist of many moments like this, where something will just hit me and make me miss her more than normal. I just wish I didn't have to deal with it.
On top of that, I've just been discouraged in general. I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing with E. Sometimes, I'm like, "Man, I am rockin' this mom thing!" Other days, I'm like, "Am I completely screwing up my kid?" I know every mom goes through that to some extent, but with the stress of moving, and the stress of having to move again in 6 months, and the stress of figuring out this parenting thing without my usual support (being in a new place kinda does that to you), it's just been really discouraging. I also feel like I'm drowning in baby care and not able to do much else. It's a struggle to get the dishes done, and the laundry. And heck, to even shower regularly. It's not always a time issue. Sometimes, I literally cannot get my bum off the couch during naptime to do anything but stare off into space because I'm just spent. If I'm emotionally spent, then I have no energy to do much of anything. And honestly, I'm emotionally spent a lot these days. Learning to be a mom is exhausting.
Sometimes, I feel like people don't understand that. I feel like I have expectations to be superwoman. If I have a spare 5 minutes, I feel like I should be doing something productive. But sometimes, I just...can't. I can't. I know I should be getting stuff done, but it's just physically impossible for me to do it. It's extremely frustrating to see the pile of laundry waiting to be folded, and to just know it's not gonna get done today. Again. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does. I hate feeling the pressure to get it done, or else it proves I'm not handling life well right now. Even if that's not true. I hate feeling like I'm not enough, even though I know I am.
So basically, I'm trying to remember what I learned with Caroline. Don't sweat the small stuff. God is in control. Children are a precious gift that we get to borrow from God for a while. There is a season for everything, and nothing here on earth is permanent. And God loves me.
I think that's the biggest one I need to remember right now. God loves me. Jesus died so I could be reconciled to Him, so I can ask him to help me not feel like a failure in my parenting skills. I want to feel better than I do right now. He's the only one that can help me get there.
Just so everyone knows, I'm not going to have a breakdown any time soon. Don't worry about me too much. I'm just having a rough few days, but God is with me and will get me through it. Hopefully this post will help someone and not just be me venting. Haha. Even if that's all it is, well...ok. I'm cool with that. I needed to say it. God bless you all.
