Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Surreal Life

For some reason, it seems like I've had several opportunities to talk about Caroline recently. As time goes on, I don't really talk about her as much as I used to. I still think about her everyday and everything, but the need to talk about her has subsided a bit. I'm not ashamed to talk about her, and I don't shy away from it either, but the urgency isn't there anymore.

So the fact that I've talked about her several times lately is a little out of the ordinary at this point. It's been a little over six months now since she was born. As time passes, her time with us begins to seem a little surreal. I look back and think, "Did that really happen to me? Did I really go through that?" Of course I did, and it changed my life. I will never forget Caroline. I will always miss her. But time is dulling the pain a bit, that's for sure.

I think part of why she's come up a lot recently is because there are about a million people I know having babies. Haha. I've mentioned this a little bit before now, but it's still true. It seems like just about every week I find out a friend or acquaintance is pregnant. I'm ecstatic for them. I do, naturally, feel a little twinge now and then, but it's not jealousy. God has been gracious in that I've been able to rejoice with others without becoming bitter myself. The twinge is more just that dull ache that comes after you lose a loved one and are reminded of the loss. Whether it's a baby or a grandparent, sometimes the pain just pops up.

Anyway...it's been kinda sweet lately because people have made a point to tell me they're praying for me specifically because of all these babies. They say something to the effect of, "I know it can't be easy to see all these other babies, so I've just been praying for you." It's been touching, really, that people have been so supportive and sweet. And while I do have those pesky twinges occasionally, I know that God is good and His grace gets us through just fine. :)

But yeah, Caroline's come up a few times. I've gone back and looked at her pictures, and I've gone back and read bits and pieces of my blog again. I've reminisced about our time with her, about everything that's happened since. It's truly incredible, really, to see what God has done. I know He's not done yet, either. But like I mentioned, it's become a bit surreal. I suppose that's a natural reaction. I guess you start to kinda separate yourself from the intensity. I look back and wonder how the heck I did that. Obviously the answer is through God's grace, but it's been a little crazy to think about.

You know how sometimes you see people doing something slightly out of the ordinary, and you think, "Wow, I could never do that," or "They must be made of different stuff to be able to do that." For instance, military people, fire fighters, policeman, etc. I think we tend to romanticize people like that. I have a little experience with that because my hubby is military. Those people don't necessarily see themselves as something special. They're just people doing their job. It's kinda that way with my experience with Caroline. A lot of people looked (or may still look) at me as being something special, doing something extraordinary. I don't feel that way at all. I'm just me, dealing with something that came into my life. I know I had a lot of help from God. I know I wouldn't have made it otherwise. But I guess that's why it seems so surreal looking back.

I know that what happened was different. It was unusual. It was out of the ordinary. And I handled it in a way that many people told me was unusual and out of the ordinary. I can't take credit because Jesus was carrying me, but I do realize that something special happened with Caroline. It seems surreal because I'm still me, just a normal person, but I got to experience something extraordinary. I took part in something unusual. Jesus blessed me with a situation that can only be called extraordinary. It was, and continues to be, quite a ride. I am humbled by it, because I realize that I am a simple human being who was carried through an insane experience to show God's glory in a unique way. I continue to hope that my testimony can help others, that this blog will be shared, that Caroline's story will be shared, and that others will come to know Jesus or know Him better because of her life.

If you ever want to share something with me, I'd love to hear it. You can always leave comments on posts, or you can email me at the email address on the contact tab above. Thank you for being part of Caroline's story.

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