Blessings

Well, I had my 16 week check up with my specialist this week.  All is well with Baby, and we got to find out what we're having.  :)

We're very excited.  We're also having trouble deciding on a name.  Haha.  Caroline's name was so easy to decide on.  It was almost instantaneous.  Cameron and I both liked it, and it was done.  Not so much with this sweet girl.  It's taking us a bit longer this time.  Haha.

Before we knew what we were having, Cameron and I talked about gender, and whether we would prefer having a girl or boy this time around.  Obviously, we would have been happy to have any child, no matter the gender.  But I think most parents at least think about what gender they would rather have, even if it really doesn't matter to them.  For us, it was more, Can we handle having another girl?  Will she remind us too much of Caroline?  Would it be easier to have a boy since he'd be so different, or would it be harder because he's so different?  I don't think we really knew the answers to that at all.  I think we had to just take it as it came and deal with it then.

I'll be honest, I really wanted another girl.  I've thought a lot about why that is, and it's purely selfish.  I had my girl, but I didn't get to keep her.  I didn't get to do any of the fun girly stuff with her.  I didn't get to dress her up in cute little outfits, or put cute little headbands on her head or clips in her hair.  I didn't get to decorate a nursery with fun cutesy bedding, or find cute little socks and shoes to go with her outfits.

So, I wanted another girl, so I could do all the stuff I didn't get to do with Caroline.

I had to really question myself, about whether I was trying to "replace" her with this new baby.  I've decided that I'm not.  But I am looking forward to doing the things I missed with Caroline.  I think that's normal.  I think when we lose someone we love, we always try to be better with the people we still have.  We regret not spending more time with Grandma, so we make the effort to spend more time with our extended family.  We didn't say, "I love you," enough to Dad, so we make sure we say it more to our spouse and kids.  I think it's similar with me and this baby.  I didn't get time with Caroline, so I'm looking forward to the time I get with Baby Girl. 

I asked Cameron if he was ok having another girl when we found out.  You should have seen his face.  He had this sweet grin on his face and a light in his eyes.  He just looked at me for a second, then said quietly, "Yeah.  I'm glad it's a girl."  I think in some ways he feels a bit like I do.  He gets another chance to have a "Daddy's girl."  I married a good man.  I can't wait to see him be a daddy to the children we get to keep.  He was great with Caroline, and I know he'll be great with Baby Girl.

I can't wait to meet this child, especially if it's God's will to let us keep her for a while.  Cameron and I know nothing is guaranteed, even thought we have faith and hope that all will go well this time around.  I'm so excited.  God is so good.

Welcome Home

I just got to spend a week with my family back "home."  Where I grew up.  Where Caroline is buried.

I went to visit Caroline while I was there.  I mean, I know she isn't really "there," underneath her headstone, but I can't seem to say it any other way.

I had some mixed emotions while I was there.  The last time I stood on that plot of land was the day of the funeral.  Cameron and I live approximately 1500 miles from where I grew up, so it's not easy to get back there frequently.  It took me 7 months, in fact.  Haha.  So I had never even seen her headstone in person.  My family has been great about sending pictures so we knew what was going on, but I'd never seen it in person.  I don't really know why that's so important, but it was nice to feel like things were taken care of and that I had the opportunity to check on it.  I guess it's what a mom should do or something.

I'm sorry if this whole thing sounds slightly morbid or if it makes you uncomfortable.  That's not my intention.  But this was another milestone for me in my journey with Caroline.  Going back to visit her.

My mom was with me when I went, and I'm kinda glad she was.  It made things seem a little less somber or something.  I've been doing so well with "moving on" in life that I was almost surprised to find myself fighting tears.  I shouldn't have been surprised.  I should have expected to feel that way, I guess, but I didn't.  It kinda snuck up on me.

It reminded me that Caroline will always be a part of my life, and there will always be some remnant of the hurt of losing her.  I know that, intellectually, but it's sometimes hard to grasp emotionally.  I think anyone who has lost a loved one in some way just wants the whole thing to go away.  They want the person back, or they just want life to go back to normal, or they just don't want to have to think about it and deal with it because the loss is permanent and leaves an indelible mark on our lives.  We want to have emotional plastic surgery to remove the scar the loss caused.

At the same time, we would never wish that the person never existed for us to lose.  We wouldn't trade our time with that loved one for anything even though it had to hurt to lose them.  It's a strange mix of emotions.

To me, it's a reminder that this isn't home.  That I'm not supposed to be comfortable here.  That I can look forward to a place where I won't ever feel loss or pain anymore.  And my precious Caroline is already there enjoying it.  What a blessing.

I'm still incredibly grateful that God's grace has seen me through this loss so well.  I'm so glad that God has given me joy amidst the sorrow.  And I'm not talking about the new baby on the way, even though that is a source of joy.  No, what I'm talking about is that even before we started trying for the new baby, God gave me joy.  The joy came from Him, from His comfort, from His truth, from His grace to me.  He walked with me through all of it, from diagnosis till now.  He gave me joy with the pain.  He gave me hope.  He is so gracious to me.

I hope you have His joy.  It's better than anything.

The results are in

Well, we got back from our specialist a little while ago.

Baby was very cooperative with our ultrasound tech, so we got some great pictures. :)

Baby also looked absolutely perfect. :)

The anencephaly did not recur, and the nuchal translucency was completely normal. While all that is wonderful news, we obviously don't know what the future holds. We'll continue to be monitored for the next few months to make sure everything stays the way it is now.

I cannot tell you how amazing Cameron and I feel after that appointment. The sonogram popped up on the screen, and we both let out a huge sigh of relief when Baby's head came into view. The tech almost immediately started smiling and was extremely happy for us. She then went on to find all the other pertinent stuff to reassure us even more.

God is so good. We are incredibly blessed. God's grace is amazing, and my Jesus is powerful. He wasn't surprised by this result. He's been knitting this baby together since the beginning, and knew it would exist before time began. He also knew what this baby would be and accomplish, and we don't even know what day he or she will be born yet. God is so amazing. I can't even fathom His greatness.

I am so thankful for God's grace in this. It is only His goodness and mercy that has given us this healthy baby. I praise Him for His goodness to me, a wretched sinner saved by grace. I feel absolutely humbled and awed by the gift He's given me in this child. I will never be able to thank Him enough.

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for us and supporting us. It's been quite a ride, and it was made more joyous and more fulfilling by all of you.

We'll go back to the specialist in 4 weeks for more monitoring (read: more pictures!), and I'm looking forward to it. :) I can't wait to see what God does with this precious child. I'm already asking for wisdom and grace to raise him or her in the love of Jesus.

Thanks, once again, for everything. We're so excited to share our news with you. :)

God bless you all.

Deserving

God continues to teach me through Caroline even now. It is such a blessing to know He's still using Caroline, and not just in my life, but in others' as well. I got to share her story with someone new today. After I finished telling the story, the sweet woman I was telling said, "Thank you for being so open about it and being willing to share your story." That's not an exact quote, but close enough. It made me realize that by being obedient to God's call to write this blog and share our story in other ways, He's being glorified. I mean, I know that, I guess, but it's just little ole me. I'm nothing special apart from God, but He uses experiences like today to remind me that my obedience is not in vain.

I've also recently seen how my journey with Caroline has encouraged other moms going through something similar. I love that God can use me to give hope and peace to others walking a difficult path. It's such an honor. Especially now that we're kinda "on the other side" of the whole thing, I can see how God has worked and is continuing to work through Caroline. What a wonderful, humbling, and awe-inspiring knowledge. I don't know why God chose me for this. But I feel incredibly blessed that He did.

The title of this post is "Deserving." I have a few things to say about that particular word. First of all, I don't feel at all deserving of what God has done and is doing through me because of Caroline, like what I mentioned above. I literally sometimes sit back and marvel at God's grace to me. At His use of me. I feel so unworthy of this whole thing. Even though I have chosen to be faithful to Him and to "let" Him use me, it's been His power doing all the work. I can't take credit for much of anything that's happened. He's been there every step of the way, guiding and directing my every movement, thought, and blog post. He's carried me when I couldn't find the strength to go on. He's held my hand when I had enough strength to trudge along, letting me know I wasn't alone. He's shown me glories I never even knew existed. He's blown my mind with what He's done.

I recently surpassed 18,000 hits on this blog. I never in my wildest dreams thought that many people would spend time reading my blog. I thought there would be, like, 25. Haha. And mostly my family. It just goes to show that God is bigger than anything I could imagine, and can do things I never fathomed. I don't deserve to have thousands of people reading this story. I don't deserve for people to say such sweet things to me, to encourage me in my journey, to let me know I've influenced them somehow. It is absolutely awe-inspiring. God is too good to me.

But there's another side to that "Deserving" title. I hesitate to even go here, because I don't want to offend anyone, but I just feel a burden to speak. I'll explain, but there is a little background I need to give first to make sure I portray this whole thing clearly.

I announced recently that Cameron and I are expecting our second child. We are ecstatic. We're trusting God that no matter what happens, it's His plan and we'll be ok. Going through pregnancy after a loss like ours can be pretty nerve-wracking. You wonder, a lot, about what will happen with this new child. You wonder if the anencephaly is going to recur, or if there will be something else wrong, or if you're going to somehow lose this one too. You almost feel like you can't be overly excited, just in case. There's a lot of just in case. I took a ridiculous amount of folic acid before this pregnancy trying to reduce the risk of recurrence. In fact, I'm still taking it. Just in case. We waited a little while to reveal my pregnancy just in case I miscarried. I've been tempted to go in to my doctor several times, just to make sure the heart was still beating. I haven't, because I try to surrender my fear to the Lord whenever I start to get worried or anxious. If I really thought something was wrong, I would go in, but it's just anxiety and fear.

And finally, there's my appointment with my specialist. It's this coming Wednesday. I'll be getting a sonogram to check for nuchal translucency and anencephaly. We should know immediately if the anencepahly recurred, and hopefully pretty immediately if there are any other neural tube defects. Talk about anxiety. I'm not terribly nervous about the appointment, because I'm trusting God as best I can, that He's got it under control. He knows this baby already, and nothing's going to surprise Him. He's proven that He will be with us if the worst were to happen, so I know I'll be ok. But the waiting to find out...ugh. No fun.

As we've been going through all this, we've had a lot of support from family and friends. We have so many people praying for us it's kind of ridiculous. I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from so many.

But I have to confront something that several people have said to me. I just have to, because I want God to be glorified, and I don't want to be the object of someone's misguided admiration.

I've had a few people tell me they're praying for me, and that no one deserves a healthy baby more than I do, so they hope everything goes great with this pregnancy. They say I deserve a healthy pregnancy and baby. I truly appreciate the sentiment. It means a lot that people think so highly of me when it comes to motherhood. You people have more faith in my parenting abilities than I do! Haha. And I truly believe that people who have said this just want me to have something good because I had to have something hard before. I appreciate it. It's extremely kind of you to say so.

But I don't deserve jack.

What I deserve is death because I have sinned. God gave me grace in salvation to exempt me from that particular fate. The fact that I am living and breathing is a gift from God to a wholly undeserving human. The fact that I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and a husband that loves me is all God's grace to me because He loves me. What I deserve is death. But He has given me life.

Even if God asks Cameron and me to go through losing another child, it will not be based on my merit, or on my shortcomings. It would be because we live in a fallen world where loss is a reality. If we have a healthy child and get to raise him or her until they are adults, then get to enjoy them into our old age, that is not going to be because I deserve it. It's going to be because God loves us and is gracious to us. If I fall into the trap of assuming that I deserve happiness with a child, I am puffing myself up, making myself more than I ought. I don't deserve anything but death. Anything else is a gift from my marvelous, loving, amazingly powerful and generous God.

As with Caroline, I cannot want or love this child more than I want and love my Savior. God is sovereign. He is in control. And He knows what's best for me. I hope and pray that God's will lines up with mine this time, but I need to be willing to accept that God might have bigger plans for me. No matter what, I want my time with this child to be glorifying to God, whether it's for a few months or several decades. I want this child to be with me in eternity, so I will do all I can to show him or her the way to Jesus.

So, in every way, I am undeserving. I am undeserving of God's grace to me. Undeserving of being used by Him in the way He has used me, reaching more people than I ever imagined. Undeserving of every good and precious gift God's given me, including this precious life growing inside me. I am wholly undeserving, but so very grateful for grace.

God is the only one deserving of praise and honor. My Savior deserves my worship.

I deserve nothing.

You turned my wailing into dancing...

"You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. " -Psalm 30:11-12


"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance," -Ecclesiastes 3:1-4


As we've walked this journey, there have been a lot of ups and downs. We've dealt with way more than I ever thought possible. God's grace has been with us throughout.

Recently, I've shared a little bit about our healing journey after Caroline was born. I've talked about the future a bit, about how we've thought about future children, the questions people have asked us. I've talked a good bit about the attitude Cameron and I have in regard to future children. I've also talked about where I felt like we needed to be emotionally and spiritually before we even thought about other children.

We have to be ready to lose the next one too.

We have to trust not only in medicine, but in God's sovereignty.

We can't "replace" Caroline with another child.

We have to allow God's grace to get us through the anxiety and fear that may come with another pregnancy.

Not only have I mentioned all that, but I've also mentioned what I feel it will be like to love any children God blesses us with. What will be required of us as parents. What I desire my parenting to look like. I want to glorify God with our other children as much as I tried to with Caroline. I'm looking forward to future children because I'm excited about the opportunity to raise them with God.


Well, barring any complications, and if it's God's will, I'll get my chance in February.

Cameron and I are expecting our next little one in February. We are extremely excited, but both of us will admit that we're slightly guarded in our excitement. We know that anything could happen. We know that God is sovereign and that His will is going to be done regardless. We definitely want this child with a passion, but we are also doing our best to reside in God's grace. If the worst were to happen again, then we have a loving Savior who will carry us through again. He's done it before, so we can have amazing faith that He will do it again.

We are hoping and praying that all will go well this time. I'm not living in constant dread, but I would be lying if I said I never thought about it. Any time those thoughts come in, I try to surrender them to the Savior who's in control anyway. And He is gracious to me and gets me through it all. I have been to my OB once, and in a couple weeks I'll go to my specialist. At that point, we'll be doing a nuchal transparency screening sonogram to check for neural tube defects, including anencephaly. I will breathe a huge sigh of relief after that appointment, if all goes well. Either way, God is good, and His mercy endures forever, so we will be ok.

Obviously being pregnant again brings up some interesting emotions and thoughts. I really am mostly at peace. It's amazing what God can do in crazy situations. While I am slightly more paranoid about stuff this time around, it's not ruling me. I am definitely grateful for the modern medicine God has allowed us to discover. It's amazing to me that at 12 weeks gestation, they can screen for all these disorders. It's quite reassuring to have visual proof that the child inside me is ok. Seeing his or her heartbeat at my first OB appointment on that sonogram screen was incredible. Seeing the miracle of life after living through the pain of death is just something incredibly special.

I have to be careful not to place my faith in doctors and medicine above God. I know He gave us those tools, so I will be grateful for them and take advantage of them, but God is still the one on control. So while there are some nerves involved in waiting for the appointment with my specialist, I'm doing my best to rely on God while I wait. He's been good to me, and so far He's given me the grace to do that.

While the loss of Caroline is not diminished by our news, we do feel incredibly blessed to have this little gift from God. We'll always love and miss Caroline, but we'll also love and (if it's God's will) get to raise this little one that's on its way. It reminds me a bit of what was said about Job. "The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first." Job 42:12. Job lost everything. All his children, all his wealth, his home, his health. His wife and friends just nagged him forever. And he was a very wealthy man with a lot of children. I can't imagine that Job ever forgot or stopped loving and missing the children he lost. But Scripture says that God blessed him more after he got through all that pain, than when he had it all to begin with, before it was taken from him. That's kind of how I feel. Nothing will change the painful experiences we had with Caroline. We had some good experiences, too. Nothing will erase her from our lives and hearts. But we can appreciate the blessings God gives us afterward too. Like this little one coming in February.

Goodness, the emotions going on in me are a little nutso. They're so hard to describe. Hopefully I've made some semblance of sense. Haha.

Anyway, we are grateful for this little blessing. We are grateful for the blessing of Caroline. We are grateful that God is sovereign and powerful and loving and gracious. We look forward to what God will do with us all, no matter what happens with this pregnancy. Thank you for sharing in this journey with us.

Surreal Life

For some reason, it seems like I've had several opportunities to talk about Caroline recently. As time goes on, I don't really talk about her as much as I used to. I still think about her everyday and everything, but the need to talk about her has subsided a bit. I'm not ashamed to talk about her, and I don't shy away from it either, but the urgency isn't there anymore.

So the fact that I've talked about her several times lately is a little out of the ordinary at this point. It's been a little over six months now since she was born. As time passes, her time with us begins to seem a little surreal. I look back and think, "Did that really happen to me? Did I really go through that?" Of course I did, and it changed my life. I will never forget Caroline. I will always miss her. But time is dulling the pain a bit, that's for sure.

I think part of why she's come up a lot recently is because there are about a million people I know having babies. Haha. I've mentioned this a little bit before now, but it's still true. It seems like just about every week I find out a friend or acquaintance is pregnant. I'm ecstatic for them. I do, naturally, feel a little twinge now and then, but it's not jealousy. God has been gracious in that I've been able to rejoice with others without becoming bitter myself. The twinge is more just that dull ache that comes after you lose a loved one and are reminded of the loss. Whether it's a baby or a grandparent, sometimes the pain just pops up.

Anyway...it's been kinda sweet lately because people have made a point to tell me they're praying for me specifically because of all these babies. They say something to the effect of, "I know it can't be easy to see all these other babies, so I've just been praying for you." It's been touching, really, that people have been so supportive and sweet. And while I do have those pesky twinges occasionally, I know that God is good and His grace gets us through just fine. :)

But yeah, Caroline's come up a few times. I've gone back and looked at her pictures, and I've gone back and read bits and pieces of my blog again. I've reminisced about our time with her, about everything that's happened since. It's truly incredible, really, to see what God has done. I know He's not done yet, either. But like I mentioned, it's become a bit surreal. I suppose that's a natural reaction. I guess you start to kinda separate yourself from the intensity. I look back and wonder how the heck I did that. Obviously the answer is through God's grace, but it's been a little crazy to think about.

You know how sometimes you see people doing something slightly out of the ordinary, and you think, "Wow, I could never do that," or "They must be made of different stuff to be able to do that." For instance, military people, fire fighters, policeman, etc. I think we tend to romanticize people like that. I have a little experience with that because my hubby is military. Those people don't necessarily see themselves as something special. They're just people doing their job. It's kinda that way with my experience with Caroline. A lot of people looked (or may still look) at me as being something special, doing something extraordinary. I don't feel that way at all. I'm just me, dealing with something that came into my life. I know I had a lot of help from God. I know I wouldn't have made it otherwise. But I guess that's why it seems so surreal looking back.

I know that what happened was different. It was unusual. It was out of the ordinary. And I handled it in a way that many people told me was unusual and out of the ordinary. I can't take credit because Jesus was carrying me, but I do realize that something special happened with Caroline. It seems surreal because I'm still me, just a normal person, but I got to experience something extraordinary. I took part in something unusual. Jesus blessed me with a situation that can only be called extraordinary. It was, and continues to be, quite a ride. I am humbled by it, because I realize that I am a simple human being who was carried through an insane experience to show God's glory in a unique way. I continue to hope that my testimony can help others, that this blog will be shared, that Caroline's story will be shared, and that others will come to know Jesus or know Him better because of her life.

If you ever want to share something with me, I'd love to hear it. You can always leave comments on posts, or you can email me at the email address on the contact tab above. Thank you for being part of Caroline's story.

What Is Love?

"What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more." You know you just sang that.

That's totally not what this post is about. But it is about love. I wrote the title and the song popped in my head, so I had to share. :)

We're coming up on six months since Caroline was born. I've been through Mother's Day, and we're coming up on Father's Day. We're starting to get asked a lot (see my previous post) if we're gonna start trying for another kid soon. Lots of progress, so to speak.

As I've been preparing my heart and mind for whatever God's will is in the future, especially related to children, I've asked myself a lot of random questions. Are we ready for another child? What would happen if we lost the next one too? Can I keep myself from making an idol of the next child? Will I be able to surrender my child to God's keeping and will, or will I try to grasp on and hold on? Will I be a good mother?

What is love?

That question right there probably can help me answer all the other ones. I'll admit that I am a little fearful for the next go round of pregnancy/motherhood. I don't think I'd be human if I didn't have some fears and anxieties. But I also don't want them to rule over me. I don't want them to stunt my spiritual growth. I've been praying a lot that God would protect me from that fear and anxiety, that He would help me not to lose focus. That He would show me love, and how to love. He is love.

I know there are a million verses in Scripture that talk about what love is. Laying down your life for a friend. Patient, kind, not proud or rude, not easily angered, not self seeking, keeps no record of wrongs, doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It never fails. Jesus' death on the cross while we were still sinners. I could go on and on. There are also commands to love God more than anything, with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and then to love your neighbor also. Obviously love is important to God.

I know in the English language we use the word love a lot. We love tacos, we love our spouses, we love a tv show, we love our kids. With such a wide spectrum of love, and only one real word to use to describe it, it's no wonder that the definition of love can get a little skewed or muddled. So I had to ask myself as I've been wrestling with all my emotions and thoughts, What is love? What does it mean for God to love me? What does it mean for me to love others? What will it mean to love my children?

There are simple, cliche answers to all of those questions. But I don't want to stop there. I want to dig a little deeper and figure it out. It's too important not to. God showed His love for me by sending His Son to die for me, then raising him again so that death has no victory, and we get to spend eternity in Heaven with Him. Sunday School answer. Having lost a child of my own, and not voluntarily, I can't imagine the pain that caused God. Not only God, but Jesus. He voluntarily gave up His life, was disowned momentarily by His Father while He took on the sin of the world, and then overcame it all so that the very people who killed Him could spend eternity with Him if they choose to. Talk about love. I can't even begin to understand that kind of love. And I can in no way pay God back for it. I can do my best to love Him, but only because I want to. I can't reciprocate what He's done for me. He loved me sacrificially and unselfishly, and I want to do that too.

If God can do that for me, I should be able to show others love while I'm here on earth. What does that look like? Being inconvenienced. Offering hospitality when it's not comfortable. Telling people about Jesus, even if I'm rejected for it. Putting other people's needs and desires above my own. Making myself nothing so Christ can be everything. Always pointing people to the Savior of their souls. The most loving thing I can do is make sure the people I care about know Jesus. Without Him, eternity will be miserable beyond imagination. With Him, it will be paradise beyond our wildest dreams. So I need to share that. I need to be loving.

When it comes to children, that doesn't change much. The most loving thing I can ever do for my kids is show them how to know Jesus. All the other stuff is secondary. Kissing boo-boos, wiping tears, feeding, clothing, encouraging, supporting. Without Jesus, it doesn't matter much. I'm not saying it's not important. Some of why our kids find Jesus is because we're willing to kiss boo-boos. Kids see Jesus' love for them in our love for them. I get that. One of the best ways I can love my kids is to love Jesus first. To let His love flow through me.

And as I battle my fears about our next child, I have to remember that. I have to remember that I have to love Jesus first. I have to trust Him to be in control of my child's life. He is sovereign, and whatever He does is for the best. I can't hold on and try to manage my child's life beyond the responsibility God has given me. I'm not God. I can't play God to my kids. As I learned with Caroline, I am not worthy of Christ if I love my kids more than I love Him. So I've been working on loving God, and letting Him take care of the rest. I have certain responsibilities. I have to take care of myself physically. I have to go to doctors when the time comes. I have to take care of any children God gives us. But I also have to rely on Him to do that. I can't do it on my own strength or by my own plans. If I truly want to glorify God as a mother, I have to let God be in control of my efforts as a mom.

So, as the fears and anxieties wage war against a God-given peace and security, I have to choose to let God be in control. I have to constantly lay those fears and anxieties at His feet, letting Him take them away from me. Sometimes, that's pretty frequently. And that's ok. I'm not perfect. I'm a human being. I have to deal with a fallen world and a fallen me. But God's still in control. He's still taking care of me. And that's all that matters.