I will never cease to be amazed at how God is using our story to influence others. I will always be grateful that He leaves me with a sense of awe at every new lesson I learn. I will also never get used to Him supernaturally helping me. It truly is amazing to see God at work, not just in my own life, but in the lives of people around us.
Last night, Monday, we met with our perinatal hospice group to work on hashing out our birth plan. In order to be prepared for that, Cameron and I spent a while on Sunday talking about what we were looking for out of our birth plan, making some decisions, realizing we needed more information on some things, and just generally working through some things we needed to figure out. I'll be honest and let you know that our talk on Sunday was difficult. It was truly surreal and painful to have to talk about some of those things. I cried a little bit and Cameron made me take a break at one point so we wouldn't get too emotional over it all. I'm glad we were able to do that, though, because I felt more prepared to handle things when we met with our hospice.
I love our hospice group. It takes a real talent to be able to talk to expectant parents about these birth plans in a way that is compassionate and helpful. I almost felt like they made it easier to talk about. They are just amazing. I praise the Lord that we are where we are, and are dealing with the people we are dealing with.
I also had another sonogram today with my specialist. They are also amazing. I don't think I've ever been to a medical practice that is as kind and compassionate as these people. They aren't doomsday-ish or solemn. They do their job and rejoice with you in the small joys you get in a situation like ours. Caroline today had hiccups, and we could see her hiccuping on the sonogram screen. Our ultrasound tech made it almost fun to watch, knowing these are the things parents like us need. Caroline was also being a little stubborn and hiding a bit, making the poor tech work really hard to get good pictures. The tech was so good natured about everything. She worked to get us the pictures we really wanted (we requested certain things), and she was so patient. The doctor that we've been seeing came in a little later, and he also is wonderful. He takes time to listen to us, makes sure he answers our questions, and he doesn't act like he wants out of the room as soon as possible. He makes sure we're taken care of. I just really appreciate that whole office.
This week has been a little nuts with everything going on, but even in the midst of it, God is reminding me that He is at work. I've gotten several emails from total strangers this week, letting me know that they heard about our blog from someone, and they have been touched by our story and how we are handling things. I have complete strangers praying for me, my husband, and my sweet baby girl. How crazy is that? If that isn't proof that God is at work, then I don't know what is. It is such an encouragement to me to hear from people and know that God is moving. (As an aside, I have a contact tab at the top of this blog with my email address on it, in case you or someone you know wants to contact me.)
With all of the appointments, and thinking about a birth plan, and feeling totally drained emotionally and physically from everything going on, I am just amazed that God is so awesome and can still manage to take care of me. It's hard to deal with all of this without breaking down or feeling melancholy or whatever. Even though I feel drained, and I have my moments of melancholy, I feel mostly at peace. I feel uplifted and hopeful. I've been struggling with losing hope this past week. Thinking so much about Caroline's condition makes it hard to see past the circumstance to a God that is big enough to overcome the circumstance. And I'm just tired. It's hard to pray fervently and meaningfully when you're just worn out and have no energy left.
But like I said, even in the midst of all this craziness, I can feel God's presence and peace. I have to confess to Him sometimes that I've lost sight of truth, or that I'm exhausted and not giving Him what He deserves in my prayers, but I also know that He is graciously looking down on me in mercy. I am so grateful that he loves me so much.
If you're one of those people who is supporting me in prayer or otherwise...thank you. If you're one of those who has been impacted by our story, I'm so glad. And I hope that as you continue this journey with us, you will continue to see God at work. I am truly amazed already, so I know I will continue to be.