This past week was a little...interesting. While I still consistently felt God's grace guiding me along, I was worn. out. Completely. My poor husband can testify...I was not fun to live with. Pregnancy hormones + emotionally draining situation = bad news. Haha. But truly, it's been a little over a month since the diagnosis, and it is just outright wearying. It is wearing me down. It's a heavy burden to bear, and it's one I have to constantly carry. Well...kinda. I have a little help. By a little, I mean a lot. But it is something I have to live with everyday, and it's not easy.
Part of my way of dealing with things is to talk to my mom. She is a great tangible comfort and support for me, and she thinks a lot like I do, so she "gets" me when I'm not making much sense. We don't always talk about our situation, but just talking for a little while helps to ease the burden. Yesterday we talked about how God just showed up for us during church in an almost tangible way. My mom shared that she just felt almost like a literal, physical burden was lifted from her shoulders while she was worshiping, and it was such a sweet time for her to feel renewed. It was funny, because that was pretty much exactly how I felt at church yesterday. Apparently, God knew that we both needed a reprieve from the "suffering" that we constantly deal with. I had other members of my family share similar experiences.
Oh, I serve a great God. He doesn't forget us in our times of trouble. Far from it. Instead, he gives us what we need when we don't even realize that we need it. The longer I live through this nightmare, the more present and real God is to me. I have been a believer since I was 7 years old, and I have struggled and grown in my faith in stages as I've gotten older, but not until now does any of it seem important. I absolutely believe that whatever has happened in my life up to this point was to prepare me for this trial and whatever will come later. But this trial is forcing my faith into entirely new levels. It's like a teenage growth spurt, but spiritually. Haha.
It touched me that God provided relief for me and several members of my family on the same day. It was a little nudge to remind me that He is still in control, even to the point of deciding which days to reveal his goodness and grace to us in a tangible way during worship. There was no coincidence here. It was on purpose. And it was proof to me that God is still very present with me and my family, and He's not abandoning us as time goes on.
In fact, I have felt so loved and supported this weekend that I can't contain the gratitude in my heart. He has sent some amazing people into my life, and a bunch of them just showed me His love this weekend. I met up with one friend on Friday to talk and be supported, and God used it to show me some of my own shortcomings in this whole situation. That helps me, even though it is sometimes painful to admit that I'm not doing something God's way. I also spent some time with a wonderful friend on Saturday, and I was able to talk to her and feel completely supported and understood, without judgment or pre-conceptions. Church on Sunday, as I mentioned in yesterday's post, was a time of renewal and rest. And I received several things in the mail over the past few days that gave me tangible evidence that people care about me and are remembering me in my time of hardship. It means so much to me that people care. God is so good to give me such wonderful friends and family.
My husband, God bless him, also decided I needed to get some messages of encouragement. He posted on his blog (linked to the left under Helpful Links) that he wanted people to message me with encouragement. So I've gotten some of that too. Thanks to those of you who did. :)
Today is a new day. I woke up feeling so much better than I have in the past week. His mercies are new every morning, for sure. Last week, I wondered how I was going to get through the next few months bearing this burden. God spoke loud and clear to me this weekend...I'm going to be able to do it because He's taking care of me. He's in control, and He's got it all figured out, even though I don't. When this situation with Caroline starts to get too heavy for me, He's there to take it off my shoulders. I just have to keep trusting Him to take it and not try to hold on to it myself. It's a reminder He keeps sending me, through other people, through Scripture, through songs, through a quiet whisper from the Holy Spirit. As long as we face this trial, I will keep trying to remember, and I will keep relying on Him for grace to show me the way, even when I stumble and fail.
I am so grateful I have a God that cares about me so much. And one who sends people into my path to encourage and uplift me. Thank you, all of you who are supporting and encouraging me. And thank you, Lord, for being such an amazing God, big enough to make all this happen for my good.