The Dull Ache and a Great Peace

Today marks three weeks since Caroline's birthday. Cameron and I are in my home town awaiting Caroline's funeral. I am actually quite surprised about how I feel. I don't feel the intense pain I thought I'd feel. I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel a great peace. I also feel a dull ache. I don't feel the deep hurt I felt a week or two ago. But I do feel the dull ache that I will feel the rest of my life. I still feel pain, but it's not intense and terrible.

I've tried to figure out why I don't feel a horrible pain of loss right now. I've got a much better understanding of "the peace that passes understanding" now. It's how I feel right now. It doesn't make sense outside of God's grace.

I think it can all be summed up in one word. Eternity. When I am focused on eternity, this just doesn't seem so bad. We met with my parents' pastor today. He's going to be doing the message at Caroline's funeral. Something he said really struck me, mostly because it's pretty much how I've been thinking, he just verbalized it in a way that made more sense. Haha. He shared with us a verse from Philippians 1. The context is that Paul is in prison, writing to the church in Philippi, talking about preaching the gospel, and that he is torn between wanting to go on to Heaven and to stay here on earth to keep preaching the gospel. The pastor emphasized verse 23, where Paul says he is "having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better." (emphasis added, NASB translation). Very much better. Where Caroline is in Heaven is "very much better" than where we are here on earth. I just thought that was a great way to think about it. It's very much better. If I love my daughter, which I do, then I should be happy she's in a place that's very much better. That's why I can have such joy for Caroline even as I have to deal with her loss temporarily here on earth.

I don't know what Heaven will be like. It is beyond anything I could imagine. And I don't know what Caroline will be like/look like when we see her again. What I do know, is we will rejoice when we see her again. We will all be joyful and stand in awe of the Lord who allowed us to live forever with Him in eternity. It will be so "very much better" than anything we have here on earth. So I long for that day while I live here on earth. As Paul said in Philippians 1:21, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." If I am blessed with more time here on earth, it will be to live in Christ. If I get to go to Heaven, it will be enormous gain. I will see my Savior and my baby girl.

I have to live with the dull ache for a while, until God calls me home. But I also get to live with a great peace. To God be the glory.