It is January 1st. Welcome to 2012.
There have been a lot of things about the year 2011 that were unpleasant. It seems like a lot of people I know have had a hard year. We most certainly had a hard year. But even after all I've been through, I can't say we had a bad year. The joy that accompanied Caroline's existence here on earth made up for the pain her condition caused us. I am also grateful for the many lessons we learned through our experience. I know that when I look back at 2011, I won't remember much about the year outside of Caroline. And that's ok. She was, and is, a precious gift.
Because we knew what was coming, Cameron and I have been able to semi-grieve Caroline's loss for a long time, even while hoping for our earthly miracle. We both have had tears in the last couple weeks, and felt enormous pain. But at the same time, we have felt enormous comfort, and a great peace. I am amazed that I can feel this way in the midst of a very difficult situation.
I don't know what the future holds. I know that the next three months will be difficult. Caroline was supposed to be born in March. I should still be carrying her right now. It is still a little surreal to me that she's been born already, and gone on to Jesus to wait for us there. I'm sure when March 5th, her due date, comes around, I will be sad, and there will probably be some tears and heartache. But I also know that she is in Heaven, being loved by God more perfectly than I could have ever loved her.
Caroline's funeral will be next weekend. I know that also will be very difficult. But it will also bring closure and healing. God is already healing my heart. I am in awe of His amazing love and grace toward me. It is beyond my understanding and beyond what I expected.
2012. A new year. The year Caroline was supposed to be born in. A year I know God will use in my life, just as He did with 2011. I'm anxious to see what He will do.