It's Saturday. My family just went home, and Cameron and I are on our own for a couple days before following them to my home town for Caroline's funeral. Caroline's memorial service was Thursday night. It's been a crazy week.
I have been amazed at how everything has worked out. God has continued to be gracious. We've really needed it this week. Planning Caroline's memorial was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Not just emotionally as far as feeling Caroline's loss, but also the stress on my relationship with my husband as we have had to work together and come up with a service to satisfy both of our needs, the stress on my family as they've been helping us, and the emotional and spiritual ache of wanting the service to be both celebratory and mournful while being incredibly meaningful. It. was. hard. So hard. Without a strong family and a lot of grace, we would have been an utter mess.
I have uploaded bits and pieces of the video we have of our service to the "Remembering Caroline" page at the top of the blog. Feel free to watch. It starts with Cameron telling about the beginning of our story and moves to my parents talking about our experiences with Caroline and her birthday. The end was me talking about our great victory because of our eternal hope in Christ. Just be warned that there were some tears. :)
We are still grieving for sure, but we are also feeling so much grace and peace. God is so good. We know that we will always feel the pain of loosing Caroline while we're still here on earth, but we also know that God is faithful and will continue to comfort us and keep up where we need to be. I am so grateful for His comfort. I really don't know what we would be doing right now if He wasn't taking care of us.
I have learned so much throughout my time with Caroline, but even this week I have learned even more. I know situations like ours can often drive spouses apart, but by God's grace Cameron and I have actually grown closer together. I know that situations like ours can cause a lot of fear and anxiety for future pregnancies, and while I'm not entirely there yet because we're not pregnant again, I haven't been overcome by those fears and anxieties looking toward the future. I can't say I haven't thought about it and wondered, but it hasn't been an overwhelming thing. And while we're still mourning Caroline's loss, we really are also rejoicing in His grace that she's in Heaven waiting for us.
I can't really even explain how everything has come together for us, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I can't explain my emotions very clearly, either. I feel joy, sadness, relief, and hope all at the same time. I wonder about the future and what God has for us. I know it will be good, and that everything will point back to our loving Savior. I am also exhausted by everything that has been going on for the past couple months. Diagnosis, fear, anxiety, worry, faith, grace, hope, uncertainty, loss, relief, pain. But even as I'm exhausted, I am grateful and satisfied. God is gracious, loving, kind, and faithful. He has given us and will continue to give us everything we need. I am truly amazed.
I hope as you read our story that you will know the same things we know, learn the lessons God has for you, and rejoice in His goodness in your own life. I hope God is glorified in us and our story, and that He will be glorified in your life as well.
The last song we played at Caroline's service was "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North, a song Cameron has referenced on his blog several times. The chorus says, "This is where the healing begins, oh, This is where the healing starts, When you come to where you're broken within, The light meets the dark, The light meets the dark." We've come to where we're broken, and we are healing thanks to God's light meeting us in our darkness, in our darkest place.