Days

Before Caroline was born, I counted the days from diagnosis. When she was born, it had been two months and 9 days, exactly ten weeks. She was diagnosed on a Thursday, and born on a Thursday ten weeks later. Now I'm counting the days since her birthday. I can't believe it's already been 5 days. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday I had her in my arms. In other ways, it seems like it's been an eternity. I'm sure that's pretty much how it will be the rest of my life. I know I will always miss her like I lost her yesterday, but at some point, it will seem like it's been a long time.

I measure time in days right now. I can get through the day, but looking past today is often very difficult. In some ways, I have to look forward...we have things to plan for our sweet baby girl that will take place over the next few weeks. But when it comes to what happens after that...I'm ignoring it right now. Today is painful enough, I don't need to worry about future pain. God is good and gives me what I need each day. I trust Him in a new way each day as new things happen and make me face new hurts or new hope. It's just how it's going to be, maybe forever, but at least for right now.

In two days, it will be a week after Caroline's birthday. The first milestone of many I will have to pass. Then will come Christmas, a holiday I thought she would be here for, with us physically in my womb, not already with Jesus. Then the new year, the year she was supposed to be born in. This blog post is the first time I've allowed myself to look that far. I can only say that I'm glad my God is faithful, and will get me through each hard time as it comes. And for now, that is enough to get me through each day.

I miss Caroline terribly. I never knew I could love a little person so much in so short a time. I wish she was still here. I tell Jesus everyday that I miss her, that I wish she was here with me instead of there with Him. I don't like having to make decisions about her that don't include a future with her, only a past. The hurt is tremendous, and I have to lean on Him extra hard these days. There is an underlying current of peace and grace, but there is a strong wave of grief and sorrow. I know it's ok to feel the sorrow, to grieve my sweet baby girl. I know it's going to hurt, and that God understands it. I know He'll be there to comfort me when no one else and nothing else can.

But it's no fun. At all.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It will continue to be, I think, for the rest of my life. I am grateful that I have amazing friends and family to support me, and a loving God that will take care of me. I am also glad that I have a Savior that bore the penalty for me and my baby girl, so we could be together again in Heaven someday. That is one of the only things making this whole situation bearable, knowing that this is not the end. Knowing Caroline isn't really gone, just in a different home.

So. Days. Used to measure my loss, but also my comfort. Each day brings pain and grief, but also mercy and grace. Every day brings me farther from seeing my daughter here on earth, but closer to seeing her in eternity. Each day brings the helplessness of loss, and the hope of future reuniting. I learned to deal with opposing realities when Caroline was with us, and I'll continue to deal with opposing realities for the rest of my time here on earth. God's grace will continue to help me withstand the strain. God's comfort will continue to remind me of the eternal. God's kindness will continue to bring me joy in the midst of uncertainty and pain.

That's all I can do for now.

Make it through each day.

I miss you, sweet baby girl.