Almost there

I'm 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant today.  Holy cow.

I'm getting so close to meeting our little miracle.  I can't wait.  And yet I'm terrified.  Haha.

The more I think about labor and delivery, the more I remember what it was like with Caroline.  That was such a defining day in my life.  For a few months after she was born, I replayed that day over and over again.  It was my only day with her outside the womb here on earth.  And there was the "normal" parent awe of seeing your child born.  So that day was very meaningful to me, for obvious reasons.  After a few months, though, it was no longer on the forefront of my mind.  It was one of those ephemeral memories that you pull out on occasion to reminisce.   

Now that I'm drawing close to that day with this baby, it's making me remember again.  I had a relatively easy labor and birth with Caroline.  I have no reason to believe Everleigh will be any different, except for the fact that she'll be full term and bigger and all that jazz.  It makes me slightly nervous to think about it all.  I mentioned in my last post the concurrent emotions of fear/anxiety and excitement.  Definitely still have all that going on.  I am terrified and excited beyond belief at the same time.  I can't wait to meet Everleigh, but I am incredibly nervous. 

I had a check up with my OB this morning.  She told me I had progressed a bit, and that when I go into labor, it will probably be pretty quick.  That is both awesome and nerve wrecking.  Haha.  Since my mom is flying in from out of town, I would really like for her to be here when Everleigh is born.  If she's not already here when I go into labor, she might not make it in time.  Bah.  I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control, and Ev will come when she's supposed to.  If Mom is here, then awesome for me.  If not, then I'll manage with God's help.  :)  While my mom is an awesome labor coach that would be an enormous help, I've come to realize that this time around, I think I want her here for moral/emotional support as much as for the help during labor. 

I don't know that I can properly put into words what the end of this pregnancy is like for me.  It's all new to me, since I didn't get this far with Caroline, and her birth was slightly abnormal because of her condition.  The waiting for Caroline was hard in its way, because we knew it would be the end.  The waiting for Everleigh is hard in a different way.  I can't wait to meet her, but I'm afraid to at the same time.  I mentioned a lot of the reasons for that in my last post, so I won't go into that too much this time.  Suffice it to say that I am just a big ball of conflicting emotions. 

In all of this, though, I can tell you I feel a sense of the supernatural.  This is all one big amazing miracle to me.  Every fear is underlaid with the awe that I am not in control, that this is bigger than me.  Every feeling of excitement is laced with the incredulity that God has seen fit to bless us with another precious girl.  Every anxiety is undercut by the knowledge that God is the one in control, not me, so I can't screw up my kid enough to thwart God's plan for her life.  This is not just another labor, delivery, and all that comes after, to me.  It's a miracle that goes beyond me, Cameron, and Everleigh.  It's another way to point toward God and the Son He sent to Earth. 

So, as the hormones rage, the feelings march through, and the truth fights to be acknowledged, I am just doing my best to remember the greater things.  God is in control, He's got it all figured out, and I'm just along for the ride to give Him the glory.  As imperfectly as I'm doing that.  Pretty soon, I'll have my precious daughter in my arms and can rejoice in His goodness all the more.  I can't wait to see the face of this little miracle.  Thanks for listening to my rambling.  :)