Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Full term musings

Holy cow, I'm considered full term today.  37 weeks.

Everleigh could come any day now.  For the next 4-5 weeks.  I'm going to lose my mind.

I am having a lot of unexpected mixed emotions.  I think I've been so focused on keeping her in for a while because of the craziness earlier in my pregnancy, that now I'm like, wait, what happened?  I can have her now?  Relinquishing that "Don't come yet." vibe is proving a little difficult.  At the same time, I can't wait for her to get here.  Cameron can't either.  He wants her now.  Yesterday would be preferred.  Haha.  He wants "his turn" as he puts it.  I've gotten to hold her for nine months, and now he wants to be able to.  It's rather endearing, actually, to see how excited he is.  I can't wait to see his face when he holds her the first time.

And comes honesty time.  Yeehaw.

I am scared out of my mind sometimes.  For many reasons.  I have the semi-irrational fear that I'm going to lose Everleigh at the last minute (cord accident, labor distress, etc).  I know it's unlikely, and I'm not overwhelmed by it, but the nagging doubt is there nonetheless.  I'm also scared of bringing her home and screwing up royally as a mom.  Also semi-irrational.  Now that I'm full term, I guess it's all just kicking in.  I've never had a chance to take care of a newborn.  I delivered a child, held her for a few hours, and then had to let her go.  This time...there's no letting go, in the physical sense.  I will be "stuck" with Everleigh until adulthood.  I am so incredibly grateful for that, but it scares me too.  Haha.  I think that's probably pretty normal.  What new mom isn't a little nervous about her abilities?  I have a feeling I'll be praying a lot in the near future.  Prayers like, "Lord, please don't let me screw up this poor child you've blessed me with."  :)

This is also bringing back memories of my delivery with Caroline.  While I've birthed a child before, it was a weird situation with weird results.  It was not a normal delivery/birth experience, even though I went through a relatively normal labor/delivery.  She was early, and therefore small.  We didn't have to worry about APGAR scores or billirubin counts or jaundice or breathing support or anything like that.  We knew she wouldn't make it before she got here, and because she was already with Jesus when she came out, it was really unnecessary to do much of anything besides clean her off and hold her for a while.  Now, I have a healthy baby coming.  I'm going to have to wonder if everything will be ok when she comes out.  She'll be bigger, she'll be more developed.  Labor and delivery will be different because I'm full term instead of at the beginning of my third trimester.  I almost feel like I'm going into this as a first timer because it's the first time things will be "normal."  It's making me a little nervous, even though I generally know what to expect.

I'm also ridiculously emotional.  I can thank the lovely pregnancy hormones for some of it, but not all of it.  It's kinda made me sad to think that we can't have Caroline there to meet her sister.  I was extremely tempted to buy a little outfit for Everleigh that said "Little Sister."  I decided not to, partially because I know that it would raise some questions when out in public that I wouldn't necessarily want to answer, but I might go back and get it anyway, and just use it at home.  She'll always be a little sister, even though she'll be the "oldest" at home.  It's such a weird dynamic, and it's so hard to deal with sometimes. 

I have my hospital bag packed, and one of the things I'm taking with me is my Caroline Bunny.  If Caroline can't be there in person, then she'll have a surrogate in her bunny.  I know for some people that might sound silly, but it is what it is.  There will be amazing joy when we get to meet Everleigh face to face.  But there will be a hole there, too.  Our missing daughter.  The one who's gone on to our eternal home, so she can't be here in our temporal one to meet her sister.  It won't be the main focus of Everleigh's birthday, but it will be a part of it.  There's no getting around it.  Hopefully my bunny can help me feel a little better about it all. 

I know having a baby is an emotional thing regardless your history.  It's a miracle, and it should be emotional.  If you feel nothing when you're expecting, delivering, and raising a child, well...I don't know how that's possible.  I also know that because of Caroline, we're probably slightly more emotional in some ways.  I've done my best this whole pregnancy to place my fears and anxieties at the feet of Jesus.  It hasn't been easy to do.  I've failed on many occasions, and allowed the feelings to rule.  But I know God is sovereign and has everything under control, even when I don't behave as if I believe it.  I'm having to lean on that now, as I face a delivery that is coming sooner than later. 

I miss Caroline these days.  I wish she was here to meet her sister.  I feel a little cheated sometimes, that my family will never be "whole" here on earth.  There will always be someone missing.'s the path we've been given to walk.  It's the path Christ has allowed us to walk to give Him glory in our suffering.  So I want to keep glorifying Him in my response, even though I'm imperfect and frail.

And while I do have a lot of fears and anxieties, I am ecstatically happy to be so close to meeting Everleigh.  We feel enormously blessed to be having her.  I can't wait to see what she looks like.  I can't wait to meet her and hold her.  I can't wait to bring her home and make her a part of our lives.  I can't wait to show her off to all the people who have showered us with prayers, encouragement, gifts, and love.  This precious miracle is going to be the recipient of more love and rejoicing than she will ever know.  I'm so grateful to have so many people who love us and support us. 

So...after saying all that.   I am so happy to be full term.  I can't believe it's almost time to meet Everleigh, finally.  I can't wait, even though I'm a little nervous.  To God be the Glory, great things He has done.  Thank you Lord for our precious blessing. 

1 comment:

  1. Emily, know that the "am I going to screw this kid up" feeling is very normal. Also don't be shocked if you feel a great amount of insecurity and doubt as you raise her. I still question my parenting constantly but God uses our children to sanctify us in many different ways. Jen Roberson


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