Yes. The Question. Capital Q.
Shall I explain? Ok.
We have been getting The Question a lot lately. The Question entails some form of "Are you guys going to have another kid? If so, when?"
Since we've been getting The Question so frequently lately, I figured I might as well blog about it and answer everyone at the same time. Hopefully all this will make sense.
The answer is, yes, we'd like more children, if that is God's will for us. As far as when, that will depend on God's plan, as well as our own emotional health. That has always been true, and nothing has changed. We always wanted more than one child, and even if Caroline would have survived, we would want another one. The difference now is that Caroline did not survive, so we might have another one sooner than we would have had she lived.
I want to be 100% clear, however. We do not want another child because Caroline is with Jesus. We want another child because, if it's God's will for us, we want to glorify Him with each child. There are a lot of emotions and thoughts involved now because we lost Caroline, but I want to share a few things with you that Cameron and I have come to understand.
First of all, Caroline was, is, and will always be our first child. Nothing will change that. No subsequent children will replace her. Having another child will not make everything better in our loss of Caroline. I think a lot of people think that if we just "hurry up and get pregnant again," that having that next child will somehow alleviate the pain of losing Caroline, or make things less difficult. People can accept and relate to expecting a child. Not everyone can relate to losing one. They know what to say to people expecting a child. They don't know what to say when someone loses a child. In some ways, it will be easier on everyone if/when I get pregnant again, because the elephant in the room will be smaller. I don't say all this to be mean or callused. I just want to lay it all out there. Having another child will change nothing in regards to Caroline. We'll just have something else to look forward to here on earth.
But that child is still a gift from God, and is still only on loan to us while we're on earth. Someday, that next child will meet their maker as well, it just might not be at birth. It may be long after Cameron and I are gone. So we have to remember the lesson that God taught us through Caroline; our children are not ours, but God's. We still have a responsibility, certainly, to be parents. We won't neglect that responsibility, but we also have to realize that our children are still in God's hands. He is sovereign. His will is going to be accomplished, and He will be glorified. I have to trust Him to take care of my children. I have a responsibility to take care of my children in the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs that arise in their lives. But the ability to do that comes from God. He provides me the means to take care of them. He's still in control. I simply pass along His grace to my children. He loves them more than I can, and I love Caroline and will love any future children a whole heck of a lot. But I have to parent them with the understanding that God's the one in charge ultimately.
That brings me to another point. In order to be ready to have another child, I have to be ready to lose another child. No pregnancy guarantees a healthy child. Anyone can lose a child during or right after pregnancy. If I can't rely on God enough to trust Him to give me His best no matter what happens, I'm not ready. In other words, I have to be at peace with God's will, regardless. I have to be willing to accept that God may decide He wants us to lose our next child. I hope not, and I pray not, but the fact of the matter is, God may ask us to do that again. It may not be anencephaly, but it may be something. That doesn't mean I'm morbid, or that I'm expecting that, but I have to remember that God is my refuge, that He's sovereign and in charge, and that His will is what's best. His will is to bring Himself glory, and I play my part in whatever way He deems. I've come to the point where I've accepted that. If He requires me to lose another child, then to Him be the glory. I know He will be faithful to me and carry me through, just as He did with Caroline. Like I said, I hope that's not what happens, and I'm not expecting it, but I'm not in charge.
Cameron and I are in agreement on these things. Our ultimate goal is to glorify God with our lives, including how we parent our children. That includes how we handle pregnancy. It also includes how we think about things before God blesses us that way again, if He chooses to. I want to remember the lessons He taught us with Caroline. I have to love Christ first. If I love anything or anyone more than Him, I'm wrong. If I look forward to another pregnancy more than I look forward to knowing Him more and making Him known, I'm off. Does that means I can't look forward to another pregnancy? No. I am looking forward to it, when the time is right and God sees fit to make it happen. I don't know when that will be, if ever. But for now, I also know that my walk with the Lord is foremost. It's the most important thing to me, even though I am far from perfect in living my life.
I want to see Him glorified. I want to see Him known. And if He can use another pregnancy and another child to show His glory through me, then I'm all for it. If He has other plans, then I'm ok with that too. To Him be the glory, no matter what happens.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
A couple pics
So...after a very serious post yesterday, it's time for something a little nicer. Pictures!
Caroline's headstone came in not too long ago. My amazing dad went down and gave her some flowers. Makes my heart happy. :)
And then I finally got some of her stuff put into a shadow box frame.
I think it turned out pretty well. Now if I can just figure out where I want to hang it, we'll be in business. Haha.
Just thought I'd share. :)
Caroline's headstone came in not too long ago. My amazing dad went down and gave her some flowers. Makes my heart happy. :)
And then I finally got some of her stuff put into a shadow box frame.
Just thought I'd share. :)
Thursday, May 3, 2012
A Tough Subject
I just want to warn you that if you are easily riled up, you might not want to read this post. I'm giving you fair warning. This is an emotionally, politically, and socially volatile topic, so if you can't handle it, don't go any further. I'm going to do my best not to use inflammatory vocabulary because I want to speak clearly and strongly, but compassionately. I don't want anything to get lost in emotional translation. The viewpoint I will espouse in this post is socially unpopular, but it is something I feel very strongly about. This is also going to be a rather long post. I know, not terribly unusual for me, but hey.
At this point, you're probably asking why I don't just get on with it. I will, I promise. I just wanted to make a few things clear first. :)
So what is this topic, you ask? You might have already guessed it.
Abortion.
I've already lost some of you at this point. That's ok. I hope that those of you who are still reading can hear my heart and will take the time to hear me out. I decided I needed to say something about this because I've recently been convicted that I've been a coward when it comes to this subject. I've mentioned it briefly on this blog, mostly just saying that we chose not to terminate Caroline when that option was offered. For us, it was never really an option, but it was offered to us. We did have to make the decision. So I'm not coming at this from a completely ignorant perspective. I've been faced with the choice, I had to decide, so I'm not ignorant of some of the emotions going through people's minds when they also are faced with this choice. That's why I feel like I need to say something.
I say I've been a coward because I haven't wanted to talk about this in any substantial way. I'm ashamed of myself because of that. I have never wavered in my beliefs on this issue, but I have wavered on how committed I am to talking about it. My beliefs are unpopular, and people have a tendency to get rather angry when I voice them, so I kinda just...stopped. I cannot, in good conscience, continue with that. I can no longer remain silent. I'm sure you can gather from what I've said that I don't agree with abortion. I do think it is morally wrong. I believe life begins at conception, and that "terminating" a pregnancy is actually ending a life. I believe that God is sovereign, and that every child conceived was intentional and "planned," even if it's a surprise to the parents. They are special, unique creations of God that He personally knits together in a mother's womb. I'll share more specifically my beliefs as I go.
I want to start with a little bit of science for those who do not share my spiritual beliefs. I'm not claiming in any way to be an expert on reproductive, genetic, or biological science. I know enough to pass all the science classes I had to take in school, and a little bit from my own study, but not a whole lot. My knowledge is not exhaustive. But I do feel like I have a general grasp of the basics and can therefore speak intelligently on the subject. My point here is not to debate, but simply to share my own beliefs.
It confuses me that one of the arguments used to justify abortion is that the baby in a mother's womb is simply a part of her body to do with as she chooses. First, the "mass of cells" referred to as an embryo or fetus does not contain only the mother's genetics, but the father's as well. In fact, from the moment of conception, the DNA of a child in utero is unique from both mother and father. It is a completely separate genetic code. Yes, it has genetic markers from both parents, but it is unique. How, then, can the "embryo" or "fetus" simply be a part of the mother's body? It's a completely separate organism with a distinct genetic code all its own. It is indeed reliant on the mother for survival, but, well...isn't an infant? Without someone's care, wouldn't an infant die? If the measure of life is going to be reliant upon self-sustainability, should we cease to use CPR, ventilators, pace makers, or life support at all?
Something else I don't completely understand is trying to put a gestational age on when it becomes a life. There are premature babies in NICUs all over the country that are being kept alive by heroic efforts, when they could legally be aborted at the same gestational age. A premie can be in a mother's arms, even if it's through an incubator, at 24 weeks gestational age, surviving through medical intervention, while that same child, if it was still in utero, could be legally killed in the same hospital.
As a quick foray into the legal realm, of which I have an admittedly more limited knowledge, I just want to mention one thing. If a pregnant woman is attacked, and she loses the baby, the attacker can be charged with killing the baby. I realize this isn't always the case, and it isn't cut and dry, but the fact of the matter is, it's possible. Why is it that if a child is wanted, but killed, it's a crime, while if a child is NOT wanted and killed, it's a choice? I just don't understand this.
Please hear me when I say this; I'm not trying to judge or condemn anyone for whatever choice they've made. I obviously know there are a lot of people who disagree with me on this subject. I'm going to continue shortly with some of my theological reasoning, but I wanted to pause here to say this. I know that MOST people who choose abortion don't do so flippantly. I know many people wrestle with the decision. I know it's often difficult. I'm not trying to denigrate anyone, or claim I'm better or stronger. I'm not. I'm an imperfect creature with as much propensity to choose wrongly as anyone else. I am not immune to immoral decision making. I make mistakes all the time. That doesn't mean I have to accept the behavior, however.
I have several scriptures I want to share, hoping it can shed some light on the theological reasons for my beliefs about abortion. The first is Psalm 139:5-16.
"You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
To me, this Scripture proclaims God's individual care and creation of every human being. God is intricately involved in putting a tiny person together. God knows us while we're still being formed. He's involved with us before we're born. He knows everything about us before we're born. If God, the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe, cares so deeply about a child in utero, how can I ignore His example? If I trust in this God, I must also treat the new, growing, forming life of a baby in utero with as much respect as He does.
Another is Exodus 21:22-24.
"If men who are fighting hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman’s husband demands and the court allows. But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise."
I find it interesting that this verse so specifically points out that unborn children are valuable. If someone causes harm to the child because it's born prematurely, God directed His people to be serious in punishing that crime. While this isn't specifically about voluntary abortion, I think the point still holds true. Unborn children are valuable to God.
Another: Psalm 22:9-10:
"Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother’s breast. From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God."
The last phrase of this gets me. "From my mother's womb you have been my God." It seems like even in the womb God knew David, the author of this Psalm, that there was a relationship even then.
Isaiah 44:24:
"This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb:
I am the LORD, who has made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself,"
From the individual child, formed in a mother's womb, to all of heaven and earth...God does it all. How can we not see that each child in utero is God's workmanship, and that He takes great pleasure and pride in that creation?
Jeremiah 1:5:
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
God knows us before we're even conceived, so of course He knows us and loves us after conception. He has a plan for us from before we're even in the womb, so wouldn't He have one once we're there? A child developing, at God's hand, in a mother's womb, is a loved child with a specific plan for their life. We should not alter that plan by ending that life.
Luke 1:44:
"As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy."
This is Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist, speaking to Mary, the mother of Jesus. The child in her womb leaped for joy. That is a specifically human reaction. How could a non-life have a human reaction?
All through Scripture, there is evidence that God values and wants to protect the unborn. If that is true, then we should do the same.
From here I'm going to rely on some of my own personal feelings and anecdotes. I know that these will probably have the least influence on anyone's opinions, especially if they differ from mine, but I'd like to share them anyway.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Caroline, I was in shock but ecstatic. It happened sooner than I expected, but from the moment I knew she existed, I loved Caroline. I knew there was a child, a new life, growing inside me, and I treasured it and valued it. I read books about the development of the baby for each week. I had an app on my iphone that told me what was going on weekly, complete with pictures. I saw the first sonogram when we went in to the OB for the first time, and I was in awe. She was moving around even then. It blew my mind just finding out about what was going on as she developed.
At 18 weeks, when we found out about her anencepahly, one of the first questions they asked us after they confirmed the diagnosis was if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy. I really dislike that terminology. Do you realize we use the same word for abortion- terminate- that Hitler used to describe his systematic killing of Jews and other "undesirables" in Nazi Germany? It dehumanizes the victims. It makes us feel better because it's not "killing," but "terminating." It hurts my heart to think about it. And even after having gone through this whole experience of pain and loss, having that extra ten weeks with Caroline was incredible. I would have missed out on so much had I ended her life. She wasn't done yet. God's plan for her wasn't done yet. And because I chose to keep her and carry her, I got to experience some of the best days of my life. I can't even imagine any other alternatives.
Sonograms blow my mind. To be able to see your child moving around on a screen is just incredible. Once, Caroline had the hiccups. It was hilarious. You could watch her heart beating. You could see her kicking her legs like a little soccer player. You could see her holding her hands by her face as if she were trying to hide from us. Even at 18 weeks we could see some amazing things. And at that point, it was entirely legal to end her life, even had she not had any health issues. I just can't imagine.
Feeling her move was another thing. She had a mind of her own. She moved when she wanted, she wedged herself where she wanted. She was her own little person, even if she was inside my belly. She was part me and part Cameron. She wasn't just another piece of my body. She was Caroline.
As I rap up this extremely long and emotional post, I want to say this. I serve a great and mighty God. He created me. He created you. He creates every human being that ever makes an appearance on this earth, wanted or not wanted by the earthly parents who have a part in conceiving it. He sent His Son to live in a womb for 9 1/2 months, so that He could grow up and die on a cross and rise victorious over death, for all the other babies He has created. You and me included. Christ was not a part of Mary's body to do with as she pleased. He was a living human being, God incarnate, sent here to save us.
You know what the awesome part is? He died and was risen so he could offer us forgiveness and salvation. Even for abortion. If you've chosen abortion, He's willing to forgive you and heal you. He loves you, and has since YOU were in YOUR mother's womb. He knit YOU together. And the power that He has to create new life in a mother's womb is the same great power He has to love us, forgive us, and hold us close forever. You just have to ask Him and accept His gift. He creates a new life for you when you accept Him.
I know what I've said here can be divisive. I know it's not a pleasant subject. I know my beliefs are unpopular. I didn't even touch on all the "what-ifs"- What if a baby is conceived by rape? What if the child is disabled? What if the mother's health is at risk? I didn't get into politics or social agendas. I don't want to go there. I've already said so much here. I'd be happy to discuss it with you if you want to contact me at the email address in the contact tab at the top of this blog. Just please do it respectfully. Don't send me hatemail. I've heard it all before anyway. But like I said at the beginning of this post...I just couldn't refuse to say something anymore. This is too important not to talk about. If you made it all this way...I congratulate you. This was a book. I appreciate your perseverance. Haha. May God bless you all.
I hope this has at least given you some things to think about. I hope I've said all of this compassionately but boldly. I pray, like always, that God is glorified here. Thanks for reading.
At this point, you're probably asking why I don't just get on with it. I will, I promise. I just wanted to make a few things clear first. :)
So what is this topic, you ask? You might have already guessed it.
Abortion.
I've already lost some of you at this point. That's ok. I hope that those of you who are still reading can hear my heart and will take the time to hear me out. I decided I needed to say something about this because I've recently been convicted that I've been a coward when it comes to this subject. I've mentioned it briefly on this blog, mostly just saying that we chose not to terminate Caroline when that option was offered. For us, it was never really an option, but it was offered to us. We did have to make the decision. So I'm not coming at this from a completely ignorant perspective. I've been faced with the choice, I had to decide, so I'm not ignorant of some of the emotions going through people's minds when they also are faced with this choice. That's why I feel like I need to say something.
I say I've been a coward because I haven't wanted to talk about this in any substantial way. I'm ashamed of myself because of that. I have never wavered in my beliefs on this issue, but I have wavered on how committed I am to talking about it. My beliefs are unpopular, and people have a tendency to get rather angry when I voice them, so I kinda just...stopped. I cannot, in good conscience, continue with that. I can no longer remain silent. I'm sure you can gather from what I've said that I don't agree with abortion. I do think it is morally wrong. I believe life begins at conception, and that "terminating" a pregnancy is actually ending a life. I believe that God is sovereign, and that every child conceived was intentional and "planned," even if it's a surprise to the parents. They are special, unique creations of God that He personally knits together in a mother's womb. I'll share more specifically my beliefs as I go.
I want to start with a little bit of science for those who do not share my spiritual beliefs. I'm not claiming in any way to be an expert on reproductive, genetic, or biological science. I know enough to pass all the science classes I had to take in school, and a little bit from my own study, but not a whole lot. My knowledge is not exhaustive. But I do feel like I have a general grasp of the basics and can therefore speak intelligently on the subject. My point here is not to debate, but simply to share my own beliefs.
It confuses me that one of the arguments used to justify abortion is that the baby in a mother's womb is simply a part of her body to do with as she chooses. First, the "mass of cells" referred to as an embryo or fetus does not contain only the mother's genetics, but the father's as well. In fact, from the moment of conception, the DNA of a child in utero is unique from both mother and father. It is a completely separate genetic code. Yes, it has genetic markers from both parents, but it is unique. How, then, can the "embryo" or "fetus" simply be a part of the mother's body? It's a completely separate organism with a distinct genetic code all its own. It is indeed reliant on the mother for survival, but, well...isn't an infant? Without someone's care, wouldn't an infant die? If the measure of life is going to be reliant upon self-sustainability, should we cease to use CPR, ventilators, pace makers, or life support at all?
Something else I don't completely understand is trying to put a gestational age on when it becomes a life. There are premature babies in NICUs all over the country that are being kept alive by heroic efforts, when they could legally be aborted at the same gestational age. A premie can be in a mother's arms, even if it's through an incubator, at 24 weeks gestational age, surviving through medical intervention, while that same child, if it was still in utero, could be legally killed in the same hospital.
As a quick foray into the legal realm, of which I have an admittedly more limited knowledge, I just want to mention one thing. If a pregnant woman is attacked, and she loses the baby, the attacker can be charged with killing the baby. I realize this isn't always the case, and it isn't cut and dry, but the fact of the matter is, it's possible. Why is it that if a child is wanted, but killed, it's a crime, while if a child is NOT wanted and killed, it's a choice? I just don't understand this.
Please hear me when I say this; I'm not trying to judge or condemn anyone for whatever choice they've made. I obviously know there are a lot of people who disagree with me on this subject. I'm going to continue shortly with some of my theological reasoning, but I wanted to pause here to say this. I know that MOST people who choose abortion don't do so flippantly. I know many people wrestle with the decision. I know it's often difficult. I'm not trying to denigrate anyone, or claim I'm better or stronger. I'm not. I'm an imperfect creature with as much propensity to choose wrongly as anyone else. I am not immune to immoral decision making. I make mistakes all the time. That doesn't mean I have to accept the behavior, however.
I have several scriptures I want to share, hoping it can shed some light on the theological reasons for my beliefs about abortion. The first is Psalm 139:5-16.
"You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
To me, this Scripture proclaims God's individual care and creation of every human being. God is intricately involved in putting a tiny person together. God knows us while we're still being formed. He's involved with us before we're born. He knows everything about us before we're born. If God, the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe, cares so deeply about a child in utero, how can I ignore His example? If I trust in this God, I must also treat the new, growing, forming life of a baby in utero with as much respect as He does.
Another is Exodus 21:22-24.
"If men who are fighting hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman’s husband demands and the court allows. But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise."
I find it interesting that this verse so specifically points out that unborn children are valuable. If someone causes harm to the child because it's born prematurely, God directed His people to be serious in punishing that crime. While this isn't specifically about voluntary abortion, I think the point still holds true. Unborn children are valuable to God.
Another: Psalm 22:9-10:
"Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother’s breast. From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God."
The last phrase of this gets me. "From my mother's womb you have been my God." It seems like even in the womb God knew David, the author of this Psalm, that there was a relationship even then.
Isaiah 44:24:
"This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb:
I am the LORD, who has made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself,"
From the individual child, formed in a mother's womb, to all of heaven and earth...God does it all. How can we not see that each child in utero is God's workmanship, and that He takes great pleasure and pride in that creation?
Jeremiah 1:5:
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
God knows us before we're even conceived, so of course He knows us and loves us after conception. He has a plan for us from before we're even in the womb, so wouldn't He have one once we're there? A child developing, at God's hand, in a mother's womb, is a loved child with a specific plan for their life. We should not alter that plan by ending that life.
Luke 1:44:
"As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy."
This is Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist, speaking to Mary, the mother of Jesus. The child in her womb leaped for joy. That is a specifically human reaction. How could a non-life have a human reaction?
All through Scripture, there is evidence that God values and wants to protect the unborn. If that is true, then we should do the same.
From here I'm going to rely on some of my own personal feelings and anecdotes. I know that these will probably have the least influence on anyone's opinions, especially if they differ from mine, but I'd like to share them anyway.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Caroline, I was in shock but ecstatic. It happened sooner than I expected, but from the moment I knew she existed, I loved Caroline. I knew there was a child, a new life, growing inside me, and I treasured it and valued it. I read books about the development of the baby for each week. I had an app on my iphone that told me what was going on weekly, complete with pictures. I saw the first sonogram when we went in to the OB for the first time, and I was in awe. She was moving around even then. It blew my mind just finding out about what was going on as she developed.
At 18 weeks, when we found out about her anencepahly, one of the first questions they asked us after they confirmed the diagnosis was if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy. I really dislike that terminology. Do you realize we use the same word for abortion- terminate- that Hitler used to describe his systematic killing of Jews and other "undesirables" in Nazi Germany? It dehumanizes the victims. It makes us feel better because it's not "killing," but "terminating." It hurts my heart to think about it. And even after having gone through this whole experience of pain and loss, having that extra ten weeks with Caroline was incredible. I would have missed out on so much had I ended her life. She wasn't done yet. God's plan for her wasn't done yet. And because I chose to keep her and carry her, I got to experience some of the best days of my life. I can't even imagine any other alternatives.
Sonograms blow my mind. To be able to see your child moving around on a screen is just incredible. Once, Caroline had the hiccups. It was hilarious. You could watch her heart beating. You could see her kicking her legs like a little soccer player. You could see her holding her hands by her face as if she were trying to hide from us. Even at 18 weeks we could see some amazing things. And at that point, it was entirely legal to end her life, even had she not had any health issues. I just can't imagine.
Feeling her move was another thing. She had a mind of her own. She moved when she wanted, she wedged herself where she wanted. She was her own little person, even if she was inside my belly. She was part me and part Cameron. She wasn't just another piece of my body. She was Caroline.
As I rap up this extremely long and emotional post, I want to say this. I serve a great and mighty God. He created me. He created you. He creates every human being that ever makes an appearance on this earth, wanted or not wanted by the earthly parents who have a part in conceiving it. He sent His Son to live in a womb for 9 1/2 months, so that He could grow up and die on a cross and rise victorious over death, for all the other babies He has created. You and me included. Christ was not a part of Mary's body to do with as she pleased. He was a living human being, God incarnate, sent here to save us.
You know what the awesome part is? He died and was risen so he could offer us forgiveness and salvation. Even for abortion. If you've chosen abortion, He's willing to forgive you and heal you. He loves you, and has since YOU were in YOUR mother's womb. He knit YOU together. And the power that He has to create new life in a mother's womb is the same great power He has to love us, forgive us, and hold us close forever. You just have to ask Him and accept His gift. He creates a new life for you when you accept Him.
I know what I've said here can be divisive. I know it's not a pleasant subject. I know my beliefs are unpopular. I didn't even touch on all the "what-ifs"- What if a baby is conceived by rape? What if the child is disabled? What if the mother's health is at risk? I didn't get into politics or social agendas. I don't want to go there. I've already said so much here. I'd be happy to discuss it with you if you want to contact me at the email address in the contact tab at the top of this blog. Just please do it respectfully. Don't send me hatemail. I've heard it all before anyway. But like I said at the beginning of this post...I just couldn't refuse to say something anymore. This is too important not to talk about. If you made it all this way...I congratulate you. This was a book. I appreciate your perseverance. Haha. May God bless you all.
I hope this has at least given you some things to think about. I hope I've said all of this compassionately but boldly. I pray, like always, that God is glorified here. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
It's Worth It
This post might be a little crazy. I'm just warning you now. :) I have a lot on my heart.
First off, it's Easter. Happy Easter! Because of what this holiday celebrates, I get to see my Jesus and my Caroline in Heaven someday. What an amazing blessing. Sometimes, when I truly think about it, it just blows my mind. I am so grateful. Not as much as I should be, and not as often as I should, but I am grateful.
Two days ago, on Good Friday, Cameron and I were involved in a simulcast of David Platt's "Secret Church." If you've never been involved in this, or heard of it, you're missing out. Here's the background: David Platt, a pastor of a church in Alabama (who wrote a very cool book called Radical), went on a mission trip to Asia. The Church there in Asia is highly persecuted, as I'm sure many of you know. It's illegal in China to meet publicly with other Christians. People risk their very lives to meet together. It's incredible. Anyway, David Platt went to Asia. He was invited to speak at a secret gathering of the saints in Asia. He was told to wear a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood up, and to look down, all so no could see him. They went through a million precautions just to get him to the meeting site, which was a run down building with one lightbulb hanging from the ceiling as the only light, no sound system, no air conditioning, no chairs to sit in, nothing. And it was packed. The people there are so hungry for the Word. They brought him there the first day, and he was supposed to preach for 3 hours. He ended up preaching for 6 hours. They begged him to come back the next day and preach longer. So he did. From before dawn to long after dark. He did that for days and weeks. And people kept coming. Can you imagine that?
When he got back to the States, he wanted to see what would happen if he tried something like that here. He started with his own church in Birmingham, and people came, knowing he was going to teach for 6 hours. He's done it several times now (I think this one we went to was the 12th), and it's now simulcast all over the world. Our church took part in that simulcast, and that's what we went to do.
Before we went, I was debating whether I should go. I didn't think I could do 6 hours of Bible Study like that.
I was wrong.
It was one of the coolest experiences I've ever had. Guess what the topic of those 6 hours was. Just guess.
Suffering. Christ's suffering on the cross, and human suffering here on earth. An exhaustive study of suffering.
I'm still digesting everything I heard that night. I probably will be for a long while. It was that crazy. David Platt could be an auctioneer with as fast as he talks. And he still went over by 45 minutes. It was incredible. And I was glued the whole time. My mind didn't really wander, I was able to focus on what he was saying, and I was engaged by it. Incredible. I even cried a few times. He used a bunch of my "Caroline verses" and even ended with the hymn "It is Well With My Soul," which was my theme song from Caroline's diagnosis onward. I used that hymn in the email I sent out to friends and family to inform them about her diagnosis. I sang it the day her diagnosis was confirmed. I'm pretty sure God wanted to remind me that He's awesome and in control. 'Cause He's the only one cool enough and powerful enough to do this. I got goose bumps a lot. God was working, and still is.
I want to share a couple things that I have been reminded of or that God taught me through all of this. If I can find the words. I feel like anything I say will be so completely insignificant and unworthy. But I will do my best.
Most importantly, I want to start out by saying "It's worth it." It's worth it to have lost my daughter for the time I have on earth to see the eternal reward and eternal reverberations of her life. She was used by God to change my life. Not just change it, but to completely tear down walls I had erected, to break through chains I was bound in, and to change my entire perspective on life, heaven, and my walk with the Lord. I cannot even begin to describe to you how grateful I am to have suffered so that I could say "to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Yes, I said I was grateful to have suffered. You may think that's a weird way to look at things, but it shouldn't be. How many Scriptures say we should rejoice in our sufferings? How many times did the early church lose EVERYTHING, only to gain eternity? How many times have we seen suffering produce amazing things? Not just in our own lives, but in others' lives, and for years to come? The man who wrote "It is Well With My Soul" was Horatio Spafford. He wrote it after losing four daughters to drowning. He suffered, and God used him to write this hymn, which in turn has incredibly impacted who knows how many people. Myself included. This has been my heart's cry for months.
God is amazing.
It is SO WORTH IT. I prayed from day one that God would give me the grace to suffer well, and that He would be glorified in it all. I still hope and pray that He has been glorified. I still desire more than anything that my Christ would be lifted up. He used this "Secret Church" to really grab my attention back and to make sure the lessons I learned with Caroline were cemented in my heart and mind. I am once again blown away by God's magnificence.
One of the main things David Platt emphasized during his teaching was that God is Sovereign. Absolutely and completely Sovereign. Nothing that happens surprises God. In fact, He plans it all out ahead of time. God knew before I was even born that someday I would bear a child that I would lose. He knew before Cameron was born that he would have to be the father of a child he would never get to hold alive. And he blessed it. He knew that through our suffering, we would grow. We would honor Him. We would show others His grace. And He knows that in the future, whatever happens as a result will influence others. At least I hope He will continue to use our story. I hope we are worthy of that calling. We are far from perfect, but we want to be willing.
I've mentioned many times that part of what has gotten me through this is having an eternal perspective. It's still what makes this bearable almost four months after she was born. In fact, when I think about Caroline, I am no longer very sad about her. I rejoice that she's in Heaven. I rejoice that God has used her to glorify himself in so many ways. I still miss her, and the separation still hurts, and it's still hard some days. But it feels petty to cry. It feels petty to be sad. God has done and is doing and will do in the future amazing things because I suffered through carrying her, knowing I would lose her. I rejoice that God decided to honor me by taking my child. That He thought me worthy of such a calling. That He gave me His special grace and peace throughout, to teach me and others. He chose me to bear the burden so that He could be glorified. I am thrown prostrate before Him in awe of His goodness to me by giving me Caroline.
Do I sound crazy? Good.
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”
Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? ...but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.
Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him...
...Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a “fool” so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight." 1 Corinthians 1:18-20, 23-29, 3:18-19a
I would rather be thought crazy, foolish, and an idiot by the world, and be right in the Lord's sight, than to be normal to the world. I am not of this world. My old self is dead. DEAD. I am now alive IN CHRIST, and so I take on His character as much as I can. The world thought He was crazy too. Why would they think me any different?
IT'S WORTH IT.
Cameron has been reading David Platt's book Radical for several weeks now. I've been listening to bits and pieces of what Cameron has gleaned from that book, but God has also been working on me individually. We've both decided that we want to live more simply. We want to do more good with our lives and resources than we are now. We've made a few changes.
We canceled our cable. It's mostly junk and wastes too much time and money. TV isn't evil. We still watch tv. But we don't need to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars a year to be numbed by entertainment for too many hours a day.
We've given up drinking soft drinks so we can use the money to donate to organizations that give clean water to people who don't have it, like in Africa and Asia.
And we've started eating a poverty meal every Tuesday night. I did some research and came up with meals representative of common food in impoverished places. This month, April, we're focusing on North Africa and are therefore eating couscous and lentils. As we eat it, we are reminded both of our blessings, and of others' poverty. We pray for the people our meal represents, like the people in North Africa. Each month will be a different region. (If you're interested in what I actually make, you can check it out here)
We want our time and money to go toward worthwhile things, not just toward our own selfish enjoyment. These are decisions we've made because God has pricked our hearts. We asked ourselves, "Is Christ worth abandoning everything for?" (which is the question David Platt asks in his book). God didn't send us Caroline just so we could soak up His goodness through the pain. He sent her to us to teach us, to touch us, so we could then go out and touch others.
And IT WAS WORTH IT.
I know I've written an entirely too long blog post. But I could still go on and on about this subject. I might have to write another post someday about what else God is doing. Suffice it to say, He is ripping off my calluses, He is ripping the scales from my eyes, and He is graciously allowing me to see more clearly who He is, and what He wants from me while I'm still here on earth. To live is Christ, and to die is gain. I lose my life so that I can find it. I am struggling to make sense of God's wisdom because I am a foolish earthling. The more I put off the trappings of this world, the more God is opening my eyes and heart to Him. The more I suffer, the more blessed I feel. The more I suffer, the more God teaches me. The more I suffer, the more the gates of Hades are thwarted. The more I suffer, the more people are brought to the saving light of Jesus.
How could I not say that it is worth it? Oh, that I would be blessed with more suffering for my Lord, so that He can do more work through me. Oh, that I would suffer more so I can learn to suffer well so I can show the glory and majesty of my Risen Lord.
It is worth it. It is so worth it.
First off, it's Easter. Happy Easter! Because of what this holiday celebrates, I get to see my Jesus and my Caroline in Heaven someday. What an amazing blessing. Sometimes, when I truly think about it, it just blows my mind. I am so grateful. Not as much as I should be, and not as often as I should, but I am grateful.
Two days ago, on Good Friday, Cameron and I were involved in a simulcast of David Platt's "Secret Church." If you've never been involved in this, or heard of it, you're missing out. Here's the background: David Platt, a pastor of a church in Alabama (who wrote a very cool book called Radical), went on a mission trip to Asia. The Church there in Asia is highly persecuted, as I'm sure many of you know. It's illegal in China to meet publicly with other Christians. People risk their very lives to meet together. It's incredible. Anyway, David Platt went to Asia. He was invited to speak at a secret gathering of the saints in Asia. He was told to wear a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood up, and to look down, all so no could see him. They went through a million precautions just to get him to the meeting site, which was a run down building with one lightbulb hanging from the ceiling as the only light, no sound system, no air conditioning, no chairs to sit in, nothing. And it was packed. The people there are so hungry for the Word. They brought him there the first day, and he was supposed to preach for 3 hours. He ended up preaching for 6 hours. They begged him to come back the next day and preach longer. So he did. From before dawn to long after dark. He did that for days and weeks. And people kept coming. Can you imagine that?
When he got back to the States, he wanted to see what would happen if he tried something like that here. He started with his own church in Birmingham, and people came, knowing he was going to teach for 6 hours. He's done it several times now (I think this one we went to was the 12th), and it's now simulcast all over the world. Our church took part in that simulcast, and that's what we went to do.
Before we went, I was debating whether I should go. I didn't think I could do 6 hours of Bible Study like that.
I was wrong.
It was one of the coolest experiences I've ever had. Guess what the topic of those 6 hours was. Just guess.
Suffering. Christ's suffering on the cross, and human suffering here on earth. An exhaustive study of suffering.
I'm still digesting everything I heard that night. I probably will be for a long while. It was that crazy. David Platt could be an auctioneer with as fast as he talks. And he still went over by 45 minutes. It was incredible. And I was glued the whole time. My mind didn't really wander, I was able to focus on what he was saying, and I was engaged by it. Incredible. I even cried a few times. He used a bunch of my "Caroline verses" and even ended with the hymn "It is Well With My Soul," which was my theme song from Caroline's diagnosis onward. I used that hymn in the email I sent out to friends and family to inform them about her diagnosis. I sang it the day her diagnosis was confirmed. I'm pretty sure God wanted to remind me that He's awesome and in control. 'Cause He's the only one cool enough and powerful enough to do this. I got goose bumps a lot. God was working, and still is.
I want to share a couple things that I have been reminded of or that God taught me through all of this. If I can find the words. I feel like anything I say will be so completely insignificant and unworthy. But I will do my best.
Most importantly, I want to start out by saying "It's worth it." It's worth it to have lost my daughter for the time I have on earth to see the eternal reward and eternal reverberations of her life. She was used by God to change my life. Not just change it, but to completely tear down walls I had erected, to break through chains I was bound in, and to change my entire perspective on life, heaven, and my walk with the Lord. I cannot even begin to describe to you how grateful I am to have suffered so that I could say "to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Yes, I said I was grateful to have suffered. You may think that's a weird way to look at things, but it shouldn't be. How many Scriptures say we should rejoice in our sufferings? How many times did the early church lose EVERYTHING, only to gain eternity? How many times have we seen suffering produce amazing things? Not just in our own lives, but in others' lives, and for years to come? The man who wrote "It is Well With My Soul" was Horatio Spafford. He wrote it after losing four daughters to drowning. He suffered, and God used him to write this hymn, which in turn has incredibly impacted who knows how many people. Myself included. This has been my heart's cry for months.
God is amazing.
It is SO WORTH IT. I prayed from day one that God would give me the grace to suffer well, and that He would be glorified in it all. I still hope and pray that He has been glorified. I still desire more than anything that my Christ would be lifted up. He used this "Secret Church" to really grab my attention back and to make sure the lessons I learned with Caroline were cemented in my heart and mind. I am once again blown away by God's magnificence.
One of the main things David Platt emphasized during his teaching was that God is Sovereign. Absolutely and completely Sovereign. Nothing that happens surprises God. In fact, He plans it all out ahead of time. God knew before I was even born that someday I would bear a child that I would lose. He knew before Cameron was born that he would have to be the father of a child he would never get to hold alive. And he blessed it. He knew that through our suffering, we would grow. We would honor Him. We would show others His grace. And He knows that in the future, whatever happens as a result will influence others. At least I hope He will continue to use our story. I hope we are worthy of that calling. We are far from perfect, but we want to be willing.
I've mentioned many times that part of what has gotten me through this is having an eternal perspective. It's still what makes this bearable almost four months after she was born. In fact, when I think about Caroline, I am no longer very sad about her. I rejoice that she's in Heaven. I rejoice that God has used her to glorify himself in so many ways. I still miss her, and the separation still hurts, and it's still hard some days. But it feels petty to cry. It feels petty to be sad. God has done and is doing and will do in the future amazing things because I suffered through carrying her, knowing I would lose her. I rejoice that God decided to honor me by taking my child. That He thought me worthy of such a calling. That He gave me His special grace and peace throughout, to teach me and others. He chose me to bear the burden so that He could be glorified. I am thrown prostrate before Him in awe of His goodness to me by giving me Caroline.
Do I sound crazy? Good.
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”
Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? ...but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.
Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him...
...Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a “fool” so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight." 1 Corinthians 1:18-20, 23-29, 3:18-19a
I would rather be thought crazy, foolish, and an idiot by the world, and be right in the Lord's sight, than to be normal to the world. I am not of this world. My old self is dead. DEAD. I am now alive IN CHRIST, and so I take on His character as much as I can. The world thought He was crazy too. Why would they think me any different?
IT'S WORTH IT.
Cameron has been reading David Platt's book Radical for several weeks now. I've been listening to bits and pieces of what Cameron has gleaned from that book, but God has also been working on me individually. We've both decided that we want to live more simply. We want to do more good with our lives and resources than we are now. We've made a few changes.
We canceled our cable. It's mostly junk and wastes too much time and money. TV isn't evil. We still watch tv. But we don't need to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars a year to be numbed by entertainment for too many hours a day.
We've given up drinking soft drinks so we can use the money to donate to organizations that give clean water to people who don't have it, like in Africa and Asia.
And we've started eating a poverty meal every Tuesday night. I did some research and came up with meals representative of common food in impoverished places. This month, April, we're focusing on North Africa and are therefore eating couscous and lentils. As we eat it, we are reminded both of our blessings, and of others' poverty. We pray for the people our meal represents, like the people in North Africa. Each month will be a different region. (If you're interested in what I actually make, you can check it out here)
We want our time and money to go toward worthwhile things, not just toward our own selfish enjoyment. These are decisions we've made because God has pricked our hearts. We asked ourselves, "Is Christ worth abandoning everything for?" (which is the question David Platt asks in his book). God didn't send us Caroline just so we could soak up His goodness through the pain. He sent her to us to teach us, to touch us, so we could then go out and touch others.
And IT WAS WORTH IT.
I know I've written an entirely too long blog post. But I could still go on and on about this subject. I might have to write another post someday about what else God is doing. Suffice it to say, He is ripping off my calluses, He is ripping the scales from my eyes, and He is graciously allowing me to see more clearly who He is, and what He wants from me while I'm still here on earth. To live is Christ, and to die is gain. I lose my life so that I can find it. I am struggling to make sense of God's wisdom because I am a foolish earthling. The more I put off the trappings of this world, the more God is opening my eyes and heart to Him. The more I suffer, the more blessed I feel. The more I suffer, the more God teaches me. The more I suffer, the more the gates of Hades are thwarted. The more I suffer, the more people are brought to the saving light of Jesus.
How could I not say that it is worth it? Oh, that I would be blessed with more suffering for my Lord, so that He can do more work through me. Oh, that I would suffer more so I can learn to suffer well so I can show the glory and majesty of my Risen Lord.
It is worth it. It is so worth it.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Even now
I don't know why, but God saw fit to remind me this week that I am not forgotten, and that Caroline is still having an impact.
I met a stranger on Sunday who has been through similar loss, and we comisserated. I've had several people email me to tell me they still think about me and hope I'm doing well. And I also had a friend of Cameron's from high school contact me (I've never met her personally, but we're facebook friends. :) ) to let me know that she's still thinking about us and praying for us. She was actually very sweet after Caroline was born and sent us a really cool carved picture of Caroline to remember her by. (Her business website is http://www.fadelessmemories.com if you're interested in seeing what it's like).
So overall, I've had lots of reminders this week that I am cared for by people here on earth, a blessing bestowed upon me by the One who cares about me in Heaven.
It's been just over three months since Caroline came and left in the same moment. Cameron and I are doing well, and while we're still dealing with the hurt, we have tremendous joy. I never truly thought we would have so much support, even this long after she came. It is such a blessing to know we are not forgotten now that the immediate crisis is over.
Even now, God is showing His faithfulness and goodness. Even now, people are showing their care and concern for us. Even now, we are not alone. I am so grateful.
I met a stranger on Sunday who has been through similar loss, and we comisserated. I've had several people email me to tell me they still think about me and hope I'm doing well. And I also had a friend of Cameron's from high school contact me (I've never met her personally, but we're facebook friends. :) ) to let me know that she's still thinking about us and praying for us. She was actually very sweet after Caroline was born and sent us a really cool carved picture of Caroline to remember her by. (Her business website is http://www.fadelessmemories.com if you're interested in seeing what it's like).
So overall, I've had lots of reminders this week that I am cared for by people here on earth, a blessing bestowed upon me by the One who cares about me in Heaven.
It's been just over three months since Caroline came and left in the same moment. Cameron and I are doing well, and while we're still dealing with the hurt, we have tremendous joy. I never truly thought we would have so much support, even this long after she came. It is such a blessing to know we are not forgotten now that the immediate crisis is over.
Even now, God is showing His faithfulness and goodness. Even now, people are showing their care and concern for us. Even now, we are not alone. I am so grateful.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Some days...
Since I've tried to be open and honest throughout this whole process, I guess I shouldn't quit now. Even though this post will probably make me look bad. Haha.
Some days, I don't really like being around myself. I know that sounds a little odd, but it's true. I don't like how I respond or act or think some days. I'm sure my husband would agree if he wasn't afraid of the repercussions it would cause. Haha. But seriously, it's a struggle to like myself at times.
I'm not saying I have an unhealthy self-perception. I'm not hanging on by a thread to my own well-being. Believe me when I say that there's a difference between not liking my own behavior and not liking myself. I struggle like any flawed person with self-awareness, self-doubt, self-respect, and self-love. But not unhealthily so. But I do sometimes step back for a minute, in my more peaceful moments, and think, "Dude, I am jacked. up." All the more reason to rejoice in the grace given to me.
You may be wondering why I feel this way right now. I'll tell you. Even though it makes me look ugly on the inside. :) I guess we all are, huh? Save by grace, there go I, and all that. Anyway. I digress. Why I feel this way...
I am a self-pitying, envious, impatient, selfish punk.
Yep. That about sums it up.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful God who constantly urges me to purge myself from all unrighteousness. Even when He has to drag me kicking and screaming.
I guess that's why I have 4 friends locally, and about 10 more from a distance, that are pregnant right now. So far, all are healthy babies. I also have about 5 friends who have recently had babies, all relatively healthy.
I think that the challenge of slaying the beast of envy while trying not to throw myself a pity party is almost as hard as going through everything I've already gone through. I sincerely and desperately want to rejoice with my friends in their joy. And I do. I am so happy for all of them. I've encouraged them not to hold back in front of me in their joy. I even went registry shopping with one of them.
That doesn't change the fact that I want my own child. I am impatiently waiting on God's timing. I sit back and see the joy on so many of my friends' faces, and I'm envious. I hate to admit that, especially knowing some of these friends will read this post. It doesn't diminish the joy I feel for them, I just wish I had it for myself. It's just not God's time for me yet. He gets to hear about my opinion on that subject rather frequently. Haha.
The past couple weeks have been a little weird for me, too. My due date came and went, and it has been a little harder than I expected. Her due date wasn't too terrible, but the aftermath is. Before her due date, it was a little weird, because I knew I should still be pregnant. Now that I would have had her, I've been surprised how often I've thought, "I should have my baby right now." It's surprised me a good bit how much I've felt a sense of loss all over again. It's not as intense as the initial loss, of course, but it's been profound anyway.
Hence my struggle with self pity.
I whine to God a lot, saying stupid things about how unfair it is. I'm not really angry, but I am hurt and confused. I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I know good has come from it, and I know I learned a lot. All the "good things" we as believers tend to look for when tragedy strikes. I still try to accept it with grace, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt. That I wanted my child. That I see lots of other people with healthy pregnancies and babies and wonder why He allowed us to go through what we went through with Caroline. Self-pity is a hard beast to slay.
I also hate that I'm envious of them. These expected and recently born children are not mine. They aren't Caroline. I wouldn't get to keep those children. They belong to God first, and their earthly parents second. I sometimes think, "What exactly do you want? One of your friends to go through what you did? For them not to have one because you can't yet?" Heck. to. the. no. I wouldn't wish what happened to us on anyone. The grace and peace, sure, but not the pain and loss. No matter how much I want a child of my own, I would never wish for my friends not to have their own. I just wish I could have one too. I want a healthy, normal pragnancy, with a healthy, beautiful baby at the end.
I'm also impatient. I want my child now. I don't want to have to wait through another pregnancy, whenever that may be, for my next child, the first one that will get to know me here on earth. I wanted Caroline. I kinda feel like a spoiled two year old who didn't get the treat they wanted at the store. "But Go-o-o-o-o-d, I wanted that baby, and I wanted her right NOW!" (said in my best whiney voice). It's hard to trust that God's timing is perfect when it hurts so much to wait. Really hard.
Which leads to my selfishness. I want what I want, and I want it right now. And I'm not very nice when I don't get my way. Just ask my husband. I've been a bear the last couple weeks as I've been dealing with this. Thankfully, my husband is a pretty great guy and puts up with a lot. Even when I get set off by the smallest things, and he knows why it's happening even as I'm denying it. "No, I really am this upset because you left your plate on the table after dinner! It's the most grievous error you've ever made, dangit!" Yeah...
All of this to say...this is still hard. Harder than I want it to be. Things are slowly getting better, but I know I'm not done yet. As I said earlier in this post, God is still gracious. He still gets me through the hard parts. He still carries me through even when I don't know I need Him to. He still holds my hand as I learn more lessons under His careful tutelage. He still keeps my marriage in tact and growing when we are trying each others' patience at every turn and stumbling our way through uncharted territory.
I had to rely on God when Caroline was still here. I have to continue to do so now that she's gone home ahead of me. I still have to make the choice everyday to follow His lead, to let Him help me, to let Him teach me. Some days I choose well. Other days I do not. The spirit is willing but the body is weak (Matthew 26:41). I'm still learning perseverance, which is growing my character, and giving me hope (Romans 5:3-4). I'm still attempting to have an eternal mindset, but it's still hard. "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:13). Standing is hard. More often I'm in the fetal position crying. Haha. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ( 2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
I am continually amazed that God's Word can so perfectly describe my thoughts and emotions. I am grateful for the comfort it brings. Even as I struggle, I know that victory will come. I know even as I despise the failings I see in myself, those same failings are what draw me to seek righteousness in Christ. My insufficiency points me to my need for a Savior. Not just for salvation, but also for all the time between now and Heaven. My "religious views" on Facebook says "Jesus saved me from myself and continues to do so." Even though I wrote that a long time ago, it's true. I have been eternally saved once and for all, but I need saving from my own stupidity daily. Thank God, through Christ's sacrifice and the Holy Spirit's help, that He does that for me daily, whenever I will seek Him.
He looks at this self-pitying, envious, impatient, selfish creature and sees a child He loves. God is incredible.
Some days, I don't really like being around myself. I know that sounds a little odd, but it's true. I don't like how I respond or act or think some days. I'm sure my husband would agree if he wasn't afraid of the repercussions it would cause. Haha. But seriously, it's a struggle to like myself at times.
I'm not saying I have an unhealthy self-perception. I'm not hanging on by a thread to my own well-being. Believe me when I say that there's a difference between not liking my own behavior and not liking myself. I struggle like any flawed person with self-awareness, self-doubt, self-respect, and self-love. But not unhealthily so. But I do sometimes step back for a minute, in my more peaceful moments, and think, "Dude, I am jacked. up." All the more reason to rejoice in the grace given to me.
You may be wondering why I feel this way right now. I'll tell you. Even though it makes me look ugly on the inside. :) I guess we all are, huh? Save by grace, there go I, and all that. Anyway. I digress. Why I feel this way...
I am a self-pitying, envious, impatient, selfish punk.
Yep. That about sums it up.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful God who constantly urges me to purge myself from all unrighteousness. Even when He has to drag me kicking and screaming.
I guess that's why I have 4 friends locally, and about 10 more from a distance, that are pregnant right now. So far, all are healthy babies. I also have about 5 friends who have recently had babies, all relatively healthy.
I think that the challenge of slaying the beast of envy while trying not to throw myself a pity party is almost as hard as going through everything I've already gone through. I sincerely and desperately want to rejoice with my friends in their joy. And I do. I am so happy for all of them. I've encouraged them not to hold back in front of me in their joy. I even went registry shopping with one of them.
That doesn't change the fact that I want my own child. I am impatiently waiting on God's timing. I sit back and see the joy on so many of my friends' faces, and I'm envious. I hate to admit that, especially knowing some of these friends will read this post. It doesn't diminish the joy I feel for them, I just wish I had it for myself. It's just not God's time for me yet. He gets to hear about my opinion on that subject rather frequently. Haha.
The past couple weeks have been a little weird for me, too. My due date came and went, and it has been a little harder than I expected. Her due date wasn't too terrible, but the aftermath is. Before her due date, it was a little weird, because I knew I should still be pregnant. Now that I would have had her, I've been surprised how often I've thought, "I should have my baby right now." It's surprised me a good bit how much I've felt a sense of loss all over again. It's not as intense as the initial loss, of course, but it's been profound anyway.
Hence my struggle with self pity.
I whine to God a lot, saying stupid things about how unfair it is. I'm not really angry, but I am hurt and confused. I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I know good has come from it, and I know I learned a lot. All the "good things" we as believers tend to look for when tragedy strikes. I still try to accept it with grace, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt. That I wanted my child. That I see lots of other people with healthy pregnancies and babies and wonder why He allowed us to go through what we went through with Caroline. Self-pity is a hard beast to slay.
I also hate that I'm envious of them. These expected and recently born children are not mine. They aren't Caroline. I wouldn't get to keep those children. They belong to God first, and their earthly parents second. I sometimes think, "What exactly do you want? One of your friends to go through what you did? For them not to have one because you can't yet?" Heck. to. the. no. I wouldn't wish what happened to us on anyone. The grace and peace, sure, but not the pain and loss. No matter how much I want a child of my own, I would never wish for my friends not to have their own. I just wish I could have one too. I want a healthy, normal pragnancy, with a healthy, beautiful baby at the end.
I'm also impatient. I want my child now. I don't want to have to wait through another pregnancy, whenever that may be, for my next child, the first one that will get to know me here on earth. I wanted Caroline. I kinda feel like a spoiled two year old who didn't get the treat they wanted at the store. "But Go-o-o-o-o-d, I wanted that baby, and I wanted her right NOW!" (said in my best whiney voice). It's hard to trust that God's timing is perfect when it hurts so much to wait. Really hard.
Which leads to my selfishness. I want what I want, and I want it right now. And I'm not very nice when I don't get my way. Just ask my husband. I've been a bear the last couple weeks as I've been dealing with this. Thankfully, my husband is a pretty great guy and puts up with a lot. Even when I get set off by the smallest things, and he knows why it's happening even as I'm denying it. "No, I really am this upset because you left your plate on the table after dinner! It's the most grievous error you've ever made, dangit!" Yeah...
All of this to say...this is still hard. Harder than I want it to be. Things are slowly getting better, but I know I'm not done yet. As I said earlier in this post, God is still gracious. He still gets me through the hard parts. He still carries me through even when I don't know I need Him to. He still holds my hand as I learn more lessons under His careful tutelage. He still keeps my marriage in tact and growing when we are trying each others' patience at every turn and stumbling our way through uncharted territory.
I had to rely on God when Caroline was still here. I have to continue to do so now that she's gone home ahead of me. I still have to make the choice everyday to follow His lead, to let Him help me, to let Him teach me. Some days I choose well. Other days I do not. The spirit is willing but the body is weak (Matthew 26:41). I'm still learning perseverance, which is growing my character, and giving me hope (Romans 5:3-4). I'm still attempting to have an eternal mindset, but it's still hard. "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:13). Standing is hard. More often I'm in the fetal position crying. Haha. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ( 2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
I am continually amazed that God's Word can so perfectly describe my thoughts and emotions. I am grateful for the comfort it brings. Even as I struggle, I know that victory will come. I know even as I despise the failings I see in myself, those same failings are what draw me to seek righteousness in Christ. My insufficiency points me to my need for a Savior. Not just for salvation, but also for all the time between now and Heaven. My "religious views" on Facebook says "Jesus saved me from myself and continues to do so." Even though I wrote that a long time ago, it's true. I have been eternally saved once and for all, but I need saving from my own stupidity daily. Thank God, through Christ's sacrifice and the Holy Spirit's help, that He does that for me daily, whenever I will seek Him.
He looks at this self-pitying, envious, impatient, selfish creature and sees a child He loves. God is incredible.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Due Date
Today is Caroline's original due date. I know babies rarely come on their actual due date, but it's a day to look forward to when they'll be here, give or take a few days.
Before Caroline was born, and before we got her diagnosis, her due date was just that. A day to look forward to. We were excited to be having a baby, and couldn't wait to meet the little person.
After her diagnosis, her due date wasn't quite so exciting. It was going to be a time of joy and sorrow. She would join us only to leave us a short time later. We still looked forward to meeting her, but we were also dreading the loss of her.
She decided she would just come early and throw us off completely. Haha.
Now that her due date has arrived, it's brought some interesting emotions with it. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I've been doing pretty well the past several weeks, so I didn't know if it would be just another day or if I would be emotional. I have been a little emotional. Cameron has been too. I guess no matter how much progress you've made, there are still some days where it will catch up with you.
Cameron and I are going to spend the day having as good a day as we can. We're hoping to do some fun stuff, but I know we'll also think about Caroline a good bit too. It's been almost 3 months since her birthday. Time keeps chugging along, and we keep chugging with it. God continues to give us what we need when we need it, and I know He always will. It doesn't mean we don't have days that are hard. We just have help to get through them.
I'm very grateful that Caroline is in Heaven today. She's not suffering, she's not hanging on to life by an umbilical cord. She's perfect and whole in Jesus' arms. While I do miss her, and wish today was a day to rejoice in her coming to stay with us for a while, I have a Heavenly Father who comforts me and reminds me that what happens here on earth isn't the end.
So now, I can look forward to another "due date," one I don't know the date of, but one where I will be due in Heaven to see my little girl again. Until then, I will press on here for a while longer. To God be the glory.
Before Caroline was born, and before we got her diagnosis, her due date was just that. A day to look forward to. We were excited to be having a baby, and couldn't wait to meet the little person.
After her diagnosis, her due date wasn't quite so exciting. It was going to be a time of joy and sorrow. She would join us only to leave us a short time later. We still looked forward to meeting her, but we were also dreading the loss of her.
She decided she would just come early and throw us off completely. Haha.
Now that her due date has arrived, it's brought some interesting emotions with it. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I've been doing pretty well the past several weeks, so I didn't know if it would be just another day or if I would be emotional. I have been a little emotional. Cameron has been too. I guess no matter how much progress you've made, there are still some days where it will catch up with you.
Cameron and I are going to spend the day having as good a day as we can. We're hoping to do some fun stuff, but I know we'll also think about Caroline a good bit too. It's been almost 3 months since her birthday. Time keeps chugging along, and we keep chugging with it. God continues to give us what we need when we need it, and I know He always will. It doesn't mean we don't have days that are hard. We just have help to get through them.
I'm very grateful that Caroline is in Heaven today. She's not suffering, she's not hanging on to life by an umbilical cord. She's perfect and whole in Jesus' arms. While I do miss her, and wish today was a day to rejoice in her coming to stay with us for a while, I have a Heavenly Father who comforts me and reminds me that what happens here on earth isn't the end.
So now, I can look forward to another "due date," one I don't know the date of, but one where I will be due in Heaven to see my little girl again. Until then, I will press on here for a while longer. To God be the glory.
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