Honesty

In all of this journey, I am trying my best to be open and honest. It is only through that honesty that my story can be told correctly, and hopefully God will get the glory.

So...in an effort to be honest, I should say some things.

I have gotten a lot of comments, messages, etc in response to our situation. It's pretty amazing to me how people can care so much for us. A common thread through most of the comments is that people think I am strong, brave, and have amazing faith.

Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha. Oh my. How I wish I was all those things.

I'm not trying to offend anyone that has said something like that to me. Really. But I have to be honest...I do not feel like any of those words describe me. I feel so weak, so afraid, and so lacking in my faith. I must honestly confess that without Jesus, I am pretty much a worthless pile of crazy worried nutcase. A nutcase that wonders how I'm getting through this. And there is one answer.

Grace. Lots and lots of grace. From Jesus.

I must give credit to Him for getting me through this. It is only through his grace that I can endure the never-ending uncertainty and fear. It is only through his mercy that I can live with other people unknowingly saying really stupid things to me that have the tendency to either make me really angry or really defeated. It is only through his love that I can look to the future with hope instead of despair.

It truly is all because of Him. The longer we deal with this situation, the harder it gets to rest in God's grace and peace. It's hard to know that you can't do a dang thing to save your daughter. It's hard to know that you have to rely 100% on God to get through the day. It's hard to feel so utterly helpless.

In all of this, God is carrying me. Literally carrying me. I am not walking this path on my own...God has scooped me up and is lovingly carrying me where I have to go, regardless what the end result will end up being.

So in response to people who think I'm "handling" this well...thank you. You flatter me. But I must set you straight. Haha. God is handling this, not me. I'm just doing my best to let him. I'm doing my best to trust that he's got this. It's hard. I fail, a lot. I doubt, I question, I wonder, I get angry, I get flustered, I get sad. But his grace covers me. Oh, praise Jesus that his grace covers me, and that he is loving, kind, and merciful to me. Thank the Lord that he carries me when I am too weak to walk on my own.

Whatever good is in me, it is Jesus working through me. I hope when you see "my" strength, poise, faith, and courage, that you would instead see that my Jesus is carrying me and giving me the ability to function as he handles things for me. Thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and encouragement. It helps so much, really and truly. I'm truly not trying to belittle or trivialize the kind words people are giving me, but I must point to the source of my strength. So thank you, and to God be the glory.