I'll be 20 weeks pregnant on Monday, so in 2 days. I'm starting to get a belly now, which before the diagnosis I was anxiously awaiting. Now, I'm still excited to see Caroline growing in my belly, but it's a bittersweet joy.
And it's weird to wear maternity pants.
I just started wearing my first pair of maternity jeans in the last couple days. Cameron even mentioned to me today that he can tell more easily that I'm pregnant externally. I was laying down, and he could still see a little bump. It was kind of funny when he said it, but it's true. Most of the time, I'm doing ok when it comes to feeling Caroline move and seeing my belly grow. I take it as joy because she's still with us and still growing and there's still the possibility for our miracle.
Then there are times when it is absolutely painful. As I mentioned in another post, I'm living in a weird world of split possibilities. I'm constantly going back and forth between hope for healing of Caroline and hope for healing for Cameron and I if we have to give her to Jesus. Moments of hope for healing make me joyful for external signs of Caroline, and the moments of hope for comfort in loss make those same signs painful. I'm still figuring out how to deal with all that.
It's amazing to me how something as simple as maternity clothes can make me think so deeply about things. It makes me focus on what is important, and I am so grateful that God is giving me the grace to make it through times where even something like maternity jeans can make me cry, or cringe, or feel pinpricks on my heart. And I know he'll continue giving me that grace as much as I need it. And I will continue having my moments of bittersweetness as I grow a bigger belly with my sweet baby girl inside, and continue wearing more and more maternity clothes. The reminders will continue, so the grace will too. I am so grateful for a God who loves me enough to care that maternity jeans can make me cry.