Drama

I feel like a drama queen these days.

I don't like being a drama queen. I would much rather be back in the shadows than in the spot light, but if I'm going to be in the spotlight, I'd at least like it to be for a good reason.

My spotlight recently has been because I've been having issues with this pregnancy. As I write this, I've been home from an approximately 36 hour stay in the hospital for about four hours.

Apparently my body is rebelling against pregnancy. Sigh.

I have had 3 infections in about 6 weeks; the first was minor, treated, and all was well. I thought. The second came about two weeks later, and was not fine. I was hospitalized for that one, but was treated and sent home, all was well again. I thought.

Then at just before midnight on Tuesday, I went back up to the hospital and was admitted again. For another infection. This time it was causing abdominal irritation, which in turn was causing me to start to dilate. Fortunately I never got beyond 1 cm, so I am now home, on bed rest. I won't be traveling or leaving the house much, but if that's what it takes to keep Everleigh healthy in the womb till she's ready to be born, then I'm ok with that.

I must tell you honestly, though, that I am finding it very difficult to accept all this with grace. I have been rather frustrated and anxious for the last few days. I've been falling into a why-me-pity-party. I know it's understandable under the circumstances, but it's not the truth of the matter. I want an easy pregnancy. Badly. But apparently God has other plans in mind for me. I don't really understand it, and I don't particularly care for it, but it is what it is. God obviously has a reason for it, whether I know it or like it or not.

I can guess all day why He's letting this happen. I might be putting too much of my hope in having a healthy child. I might be putting too much faith in doctors and nurses instead of my Jesus (not that I won't or think it's wrong to consult doctors, but God is the Great Physician who gives them their knowledge). I might be falling into an "I deserve this child" mindset, which I railed against in a previous post. (See Deserving) I've probably been doing all those things. But I don't know if that's the "why" behind this pregnancy and its difficulties. It doesn't really matter why, I guess. It's just the human response when bad things happen to us.

However. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 I'm new. The human, sinful side of me is dead.

"For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin...In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14 For sin shall not be your master, because you are , 11-not under law, but under grace." Romans 6:6-7, 11-14. I am dead to sin, and it no longer rules me. I am alive in Christ through His grace. To keep on sinning intentionally is to slap him the face.

So, while I may feel justified in my feelings, I am not. I don't mean to say that Christ doesn't understand my frustration or anxiety. I think he understands just fine. But I don't think I can remain there. I have to take those feelings of injustice, fear, and anxiety and leave them with Jesus. I need to be grateful for His mercy, since Everleigh is still healthy and where she should be. I have amazing friends and family taking care of me. I am very blessed.

In the end it will all be worth it. God is bigger than all my problems. He's got this one too.

On that note, a picture from my last sonogram of Everleigh. Hang in there, Baby Girl!

Remembrance Day

For those of you who don't know, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I think for those of us who have lost a child, it doesn't really take a day set aside for us to remember our babies. However, it is nice to have a day set aside for others to remember with us.

I remember a lot these days because I'm carrying Everleigh. I can't help but compare and contrast my two pregnancies, to note differences in their little personalities, even in utero.

It's been just over a year since we got Caroline's diagnosis, exactly 10 months since she was born, two months till her first birthday. We've gotten through almost all our "firsts" without her.

I look at today as a way to remember the good that has come from Caroline's time here with us. I've made new friends, grown closer to old friends, drawn closer to my family and my husband, closer to God. I've learned so much about what being a mom is, how to be a better one. I've learned to appreciate things I didn't before. I've learned not to take things for granted. I learned a lot about God's grace and mercy, His love and patience, His healing and kindness.

Caroline was a blessing. I would have loved to have been able to keep her for a while, but I am so grateful for her regardless. She was, and is, such a precious gift, one I will never forget, and one that I will treasure always. The pain of her loss is lessened by time, but there will always be an ache in my heart as I wait to see her again in Heaven.

I am so grateful for Caroline. I am so grateful for all my friends and family who supported me while I was carrying her, and continue to support me beyond. I am so grateful for a God who is so amazing and so loving that He would give me Caroline, then walk me through each day with her. I am truly blessed. I am truly loved.

So today, sweet Caroline, know that I love you, I miss you, and I can't wait to see you again in Heaven. You are such a precious girl.

Name and Showers

Well, I guess I should let you all know that we decided on a name...

I love it. And now I have something concrete to call Baby Girl. :)

Then, I got this in the mail yesterday.

I have a group of friends, who happen to be slightly long distance, that have been sneaking around planning me a baby shower for a couple months now. I'm making a trip there in November to visit, and they ran with the opportunity. Somehow no one spilled the beans until they sent me this little thing to tell me about it. My hubby was even in on it and managed not to say anything. For those of you who know my hubby personally, that's a big deal. He's terrible about keeping secrets from me. He's just too honest, and if it's a good surprise like this, he is just too eager to share the fun. So he did good. Haha. I had no clue.

Looking back, I realize that this certain group of friends kinda...stopped talking to me about baby stuff. They were all so worried they would let the cat out of the bag that they didn't trust themselves to talk to me. Haha. I didn't really notice too much before they sent me the little announcement. Afterward, I looked back and realized. It's kinda funny. Cameron and I have had a couple conversations lately where I would talk about these friends and voice some opinions or questions, and he was having to think on his feet not to give the plan away. I really don't know how he did it. Haha.

I say all this basically to show how wonderful my friends (and hubby) are. They really wanted to show how much they cared about me and have spent a lot of time and energy to make it happen. I feel incredibly blessed in my friendships. I can't wait till I am there with them.

What's truly amazing is that they're not the only ones making me feel special. My local group of friends is already working on a shower for me here, too. And while I will appreciate every gift I receive, that's not why I'm so excited for these showers. I have found myself fighting tears a few times because I just feel loved. I'm sure part of it is because I didn't get to have a shower with Caroline, so having showers for this baby just seems more special. And it's more, too. People aren't just offering to throw me a shower. They're not just getting a group of people together to give me stuff for Everleigh. They're telling me I'm important to them, that they care about me, and that they're rejoicing with me in this pregnancy.

I have truly been blessed in my friendships. I know I've said that before, but it's true. I feel very humbled by the amount of care I have received at the hands of my friends. I only hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.

So...I just had to share. My heart was bursting and there's only so much Cameron can listen to. Haha. He heard all this already last night, and I didn't want to make him sit through it again. He would have, because he's awesome, but I didn't want to do that to him. Haha. Gushy girly stuff can be overwhelming for even the most wonderful man.

So thank you to all my amazing friends, near and far. You have blessed my heart enormously, and I am immensely grateful for your friendship. :)

Baby Somersaults

Today I am 22 weeks pregnant.

In two more weeks, Baby Girl's chances of surviving outside the womb are 50%. For me, since we lost Caroline at 28 weeks, this is a huge deal for me. Do you know how much my anxiety will go down once I know that this baby could very well survive, even if she comes early? Granted, I know that the longer she stays in the oven, the better her chances, and the better her overall health will be, but I'll take what I can get. Haha. I won't feel quite so panicked every time I feel a twinge or something.

Speaking of twinges...last week I had to spend a couple days in the hospital because I developed a pretty bad bladder/kidney infection (called pyelonephritis). I woke up one morning with excruciating pain on one side, and while I didn't think it was a problem with baby, it was still scary. They got me on meds and fluids and I'm fine now, but it just made me even more grateful that Baby is ok and continuing to grow and develop. She was still active the whole time I was in the hospital, which was so reassuring. I'm not sure I've taken one day of this pregnancy for granted. I'm just so grateful God's looking out for both of us.

I think if I make it past 28 weeks this time (which my doctors all believe I will), it's going to be a little crazy for me. It'll be a big milestone to pass. That will be an all new experience for me too...making it further into my third trimester and getting huge and all that. It'll be quite an adventure. Haha.

I cannot even describe to you how much I want this baby. It's a constant challenge to make sure she's not becoming TOO important to me (i.e. more important than God), but oh my word I want her. I think God understands. And I'm hoping His will is to let me keep this one. If not...well, he'll get me through it, but I pray all the time that I'll get to keep this one.

This little girl is an active little thing. I sometimes wonder if she's practicing mixed martial arts, soccer, and ballet all at the same time. Sometimes I can feel her doing little somersaults. Literally. She like flips around a couple times. Such a crazy feeling, and one I adore. I joke around with Cameron all the time that she's beating me up on the inside.

While I do sometimes want a little break from her occasionally painful jabs (especially when she hits the same spot over and over again), I cannot tell you how much I love feeling her. With Caroline, feeling her move inside me was really the only time I got with her. It was my only real connection to my first daughter. That was the only time I got to know she was alive. It was always a reminder that time was short, and someday, I would lose that little life growing inside me.

It's different with this baby. Every kick and punch and roll is a reminder that she's healthy, growing enough so that she can join us on the outside, where we can cuddle her, love on her, and treasure her. I have days where I have tears in my eyes as I feel her moving around in there, reminding me of her presence. It's helping me bond with her. It's helping me love her already. Cameron's even been able to feel her a couple times. I am so grateful for those little karate chops and roundhouse kicks.

I think we're finally getting close to picking a name. Woohoo! For some reason it's been harder to come up with one this time around. We've gone back and forth on several names for a while now, but I think we're getting close. I can't wait to be able to call this little girl by name. It makes her seem so much more real. So much more a part of our lives already. I can't wait.

So...I am rejoicing that I have made it this far, by God's grace, and I'm leaning on the Lord to keep me going even further. And I will continue to love those baby somersaults.