Drama

I feel like a drama queen these days.

I don't like being a drama queen. I would much rather be back in the shadows than in the spot light, but if I'm going to be in the spotlight, I'd at least like it to be for a good reason.

My spotlight recently has been because I've been having issues with this pregnancy. As I write this, I've been home from an approximately 36 hour stay in the hospital for about four hours.

Apparently my body is rebelling against pregnancy. Sigh.

I have had 3 infections in about 6 weeks; the first was minor, treated, and all was well. I thought. The second came about two weeks later, and was not fine. I was hospitalized for that one, but was treated and sent home, all was well again. I thought.

Then at just before midnight on Tuesday, I went back up to the hospital and was admitted again. For another infection. This time it was causing abdominal irritation, which in turn was causing me to start to dilate. Fortunately I never got beyond 1 cm, so I am now home, on bed rest. I won't be traveling or leaving the house much, but if that's what it takes to keep Everleigh healthy in the womb till she's ready to be born, then I'm ok with that.

I must tell you honestly, though, that I am finding it very difficult to accept all this with grace. I have been rather frustrated and anxious for the last few days. I've been falling into a why-me-pity-party. I know it's understandable under the circumstances, but it's not the truth of the matter. I want an easy pregnancy. Badly. But apparently God has other plans in mind for me. I don't really understand it, and I don't particularly care for it, but it is what it is. God obviously has a reason for it, whether I know it or like it or not.

I can guess all day why He's letting this happen. I might be putting too much of my hope in having a healthy child. I might be putting too much faith in doctors and nurses instead of my Jesus (not that I won't or think it's wrong to consult doctors, but God is the Great Physician who gives them their knowledge). I might be falling into an "I deserve this child" mindset, which I railed against in a previous post. (See Deserving) I've probably been doing all those things. But I don't know if that's the "why" behind this pregnancy and its difficulties. It doesn't really matter why, I guess. It's just the human response when bad things happen to us.

However. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 I'm new. The human, sinful side of me is dead.

"For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin...In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14 For sin shall not be your master, because you are , 11-not under law, but under grace." Romans 6:6-7, 11-14. I am dead to sin, and it no longer rules me. I am alive in Christ through His grace. To keep on sinning intentionally is to slap him the face.

So, while I may feel justified in my feelings, I am not. I don't mean to say that Christ doesn't understand my frustration or anxiety. I think he understands just fine. But I don't think I can remain there. I have to take those feelings of injustice, fear, and anxiety and leave them with Jesus. I need to be grateful for His mercy, since Everleigh is still healthy and where she should be. I have amazing friends and family taking care of me. I am very blessed.

In the end it will all be worth it. God is bigger than all my problems. He's got this one too.

On that note, a picture from my last sonogram of Everleigh. Hang in there, Baby Girl!