I made it to 30 weeks today. One step closer to Everleigh coming in a timeframe that is healthy. Hopefully that means full term. :)
I am more pregnant now than I ever have been. I'm starting to experience new things that I didn't with Caroline. My belly is bigger than when Caroline was born. Everleigh is bigger than Caroline was when she was born. I'm starting to get more of those pesky aches and pains that accompany late pregnancy. I have started getting Braxton Hicks contractions. Man, those freaked me out BAD the first day. Now that I know what they are and have been reassured by my doctor that nothing is happening to progress me toward labor, I can handle them. I mostly feel them in the morning, and then I don't get them as much later in the day. Thank the Lord.
At my most recent check up, my doctor did another preterm labor test called a fetal fibronectin test. It came back negative, which means I should be good for another couple weeks. :)
I'll admit that this part of my pregnancy has kinda thrown me for a bit of a loop. I didn't realize how much I missed out on with Caroline's pregnancy. Some of it is not entirely pleasant, like the pain and BH contractions, but some of it is cool. Everleigh moves in an entirely different way than Caroline ever did, and it's fun to watch her do an impression of that scene from the movie Alien. My belly does weird things. Haha.
My belly is bigger, I have to wear more maternity clothes. Even just the thought that we will bring this one home, God willing, is a totally new thing. Preparing for her arrival is completely different than preparing for Caroline's. We're having to get a nursery together. We have to get a car seat and stroller. I'm excitedly looking at clothes, knowing she'll get to wear them all, not just one thing.
Cameron and I were talking the other day, and it's funny how similar we've been feeling about certain things. One is bringing Everleigh home. I think it hit us both that we actually get to bring her home. It was kind of an ephemeral awareness before, like we knew it logically, but it hadn't quite become real to us. Everleigh's birthday isn't the end of her time with us, like it was for Caroline. It's really just the beginning. With Caroline, our lives didn't really change on the day to day level of sleepless nights, impositions on our schedules, having to plan around carrying an infant around with us. We were heart broken and our lives were changed in a deeper way, but our day to day activities pretty much remained the same. With Everleigh, that's not going to happen. She'll keep us up at night, and she'll infringe on our social schedule, and she'll need to be fed constantly. She's going to change our lives. And we're going to love every minute of it. And that part just recently hit us, I think.
I'm not naive enough to think that there will not be days that are ridiculously difficult. I know I'll get annoyed or short tempered or cranky. I know I'll complain about certain things. So when I say we'll love every minute of it, I mean we're going to love it because it means we have a baby girl that is a huge blessing. I don't mean I'm going to literally love sleeping for three hours a night. Or that I'm going to love not taking a shower whenever I want. But overall, I am going to be so stinking grateful for Everleigh that it will temper the inconveniences.
I have a lot of friends with babies right now. Born any time from June to last week. It makes me so much more anxious to hold my precious girl. I can't wait to meet her outside her little home right now. Ok, let me rephrase. I can wait until she's full term because then she'll be healthy. But I am so excited to see her. Haha. I am rejoicing with every week that passes that God is continuing to knit her together in my womb to get her to where she needs to be to meet us. Each week is a blessing and a victory. One step closer to a healthy delivery.
So...30 weeks. Ten more weeks to go. I just might make it this time. :)
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Something special...
Caroline's birthday is coming up soon, on December 15th. A friend of Cameron's from high school has been incredibly sweet to us throughout our journey with Caroline, and she's doing something else now, too. It's pretty special. Read Jennifer's words below (she does amazing work with her company called Fadeless Memories, and even has Caroline's story on her site) and see why...
From Jennifer:
I never met Caroline Grace, but she changed my life in a way that I can't explain. I haven't seen Cameron for over 12 years when we attended high school together, and I've only talked to Emily via the internet, yet they have encouraged me to love and trust the Lord in ways that are only caused by experiencing extreme amounts of pain. Like many of you, I stalked their blogs, I prayed for her healing as they chronicled their journey with anencephaly, and I wept on December 15th when she was born into Jesus' arms. She's caused me to hug my children tighter, and hold my plans for them a little looser, trusting that the Lord knows what He's doing.
When she left this world, I was honored to be able to use a product my business makes to preserve her memory by carving one of her NILMDTS photographs into acrylic.
Since then, I've been looking for a way to serve other families that have lost their precious little ones before they left the hospital. I was overwhelmed by how many families had experienced such a loss and I knew that I didn't have enough resources to minister to everyone. However, I've come to realize that doing something is better than nothing and I need to comfort as many people as I can.
In honor of her first birthday, if you would like to receive a free suncatcher/Christmas ornament with your baby's photograph carved into it, I would love to send one to you. Please email me 2-3 images of your baby along with your address to jroberson at fadelessmemories dot com before December 15th.
Notes:
From Jennifer:
I never met Caroline Grace, but she changed my life in a way that I can't explain. I haven't seen Cameron for over 12 years when we attended high school together, and I've only talked to Emily via the internet, yet they have encouraged me to love and trust the Lord in ways that are only caused by experiencing extreme amounts of pain. Like many of you, I stalked their blogs, I prayed for her healing as they chronicled their journey with anencephaly, and I wept on December 15th when she was born into Jesus' arms. She's caused me to hug my children tighter, and hold my plans for them a little looser, trusting that the Lord knows what He's doing.
When she left this world, I was honored to be able to use a product my business makes to preserve her memory by carving one of her NILMDTS photographs into acrylic.
In honor of her first birthday, if you would like to receive a free suncatcher/Christmas ornament with your baby's photograph carved into it, I would love to send one to you. Please email me 2-3 images of your baby along with your address to jroberson at fadelessmemories dot com before December 15th.
Notes:
- Christmas ornaments are approximately 2.5 x 3.5 inches and tend to be the perfect size for an image of one face (think traditional hospital photograph). Multiple family members will not be distinguishable and normally need to be carved in a larger size to look good. I request multiple images so that I can choose the one that will carve the most beautifully but if you only have one then I totally understand.
- Help with shipping is appreciated and allows me to send more ornaments out to more families. However, it is entirely optional.
- For now I must limit this offer to the residents of the United States.
- I will make as many ornaments as I can, and will establish a waiting list if needed.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
28 Weeks
I'm 28 weeks pregnant today.
28 weeks. That has huge significance for several reasons.
I was 28 weeks and 4 days pregnant when Caroline decided to come. So in 4 days, I will be in uncharted pregnancy territory for me. Should be interesting. :)
For Everleigh, we've reached a point together where she could be born now and survive, and have few, if any, health and developmental issues. Obviously, I'd rather have her stay inside and bake a bit more, but at least I have the comfort that she could be born now and be ok. Huge sigh of relief.
Emotionally, this week is going to be interesting. Having had Caroline at 28 weeks means reliving her birth a little bit. Tomorrow will be 11 months since her birthday. I'm doing ok so far, but I know I have the potential to break down at any time. God is good.
I'll be completely honest. I have been scared out of my mind this entire pregnancy. I did not want to lose Everleigh, and I've not been as graciously accepting of things this time around. I've been hospitalized twice, and each time I have wanted to fuss at God for allowing me to have to go through a difficult pregnancy after the craziness that was Caroline's time with us. I'm beginning to think he's done it to remind me that He's in control and that I can't rely too much on Everleigh to bring me peace and joy after the loss of Caroline.
This little girl is already so loved. I can't wait to meet her outside her little cocoon. I'm so thankful that God has allowed me this time with her, to carry her like I did Caroline, but with the difference of knowing she'll get to come home with us (barring any craziness, and if it's God's will).
So...I will continue to pray for peace of mind, deliverance from the crazy anxiety, and continued health for my precious girl. And hopefully she and God will hold off till February to have her make her appearance.
28 weeks. That has huge significance for several reasons.
I was 28 weeks and 4 days pregnant when Caroline decided to come. So in 4 days, I will be in uncharted pregnancy territory for me. Should be interesting. :)
For Everleigh, we've reached a point together where she could be born now and survive, and have few, if any, health and developmental issues. Obviously, I'd rather have her stay inside and bake a bit more, but at least I have the comfort that she could be born now and be ok. Huge sigh of relief.
Emotionally, this week is going to be interesting. Having had Caroline at 28 weeks means reliving her birth a little bit. Tomorrow will be 11 months since her birthday. I'm doing ok so far, but I know I have the potential to break down at any time. God is good.
I'll be completely honest. I have been scared out of my mind this entire pregnancy. I did not want to lose Everleigh, and I've not been as graciously accepting of things this time around. I've been hospitalized twice, and each time I have wanted to fuss at God for allowing me to have to go through a difficult pregnancy after the craziness that was Caroline's time with us. I'm beginning to think he's done it to remind me that He's in control and that I can't rely too much on Everleigh to bring me peace and joy after the loss of Caroline.
This little girl is already so loved. I can't wait to meet her outside her little cocoon. I'm so thankful that God has allowed me this time with her, to carry her like I did Caroline, but with the difference of knowing she'll get to come home with us (barring any craziness, and if it's God's will).
So...I will continue to pray for peace of mind, deliverance from the crazy anxiety, and continued health for my precious girl. And hopefully she and God will hold off till February to have her make her appearance.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Drama
I feel like a drama queen these days.
I don't like being a drama queen. I would much rather be back in the shadows than in the spot light, but if I'm going to be in the spotlight, I'd at least like it to be for a good reason.
My spotlight recently has been because I've been having issues with this pregnancy. As I write this, I've been home from an approximately 36 hour stay in the hospital for about four hours.
Apparently my body is rebelling against pregnancy. Sigh.
I have had 3 infections in about 6 weeks; the first was minor, treated, and all was well. I thought. The second came about two weeks later, and was not fine. I was hospitalized for that one, but was treated and sent home, all was well again. I thought.
Then at just before midnight on Tuesday, I went back up to the hospital and was admitted again. For another infection. This time it was causing abdominal irritation, which in turn was causing me to start to dilate. Fortunately I never got beyond 1 cm, so I am now home, on bed rest. I won't be traveling or leaving the house much, but if that's what it takes to keep Everleigh healthy in the womb till she's ready to be born, then I'm ok with that.
I must tell you honestly, though, that I am finding it very difficult to accept all this with grace. I have been rather frustrated and anxious for the last few days. I've been falling into a why-me-pity-party. I know it's understandable under the circumstances, but it's not the truth of the matter. I want an easy pregnancy. Badly. But apparently God has other plans in mind for me. I don't really understand it, and I don't particularly care for it, but it is what it is. God obviously has a reason for it, whether I know it or like it or not.
I can guess all day why He's letting this happen. I might be putting too much of my hope in having a healthy child. I might be putting too much faith in doctors and nurses instead of my Jesus (not that I won't or think it's wrong to consult doctors, but God is the Great Physician who gives them their knowledge). I might be falling into an "I deserve this child" mindset, which I railed against in a previous post. (See Deserving) I've probably been doing all those things. But I don't know if that's the "why" behind this pregnancy and its difficulties. It doesn't really matter why, I guess. It's just the human response when bad things happen to us.
However. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 I'm new. The human, sinful side of me is dead.
"For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin...In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14 For sin shall not be your master, because you are , 11-not under law, but under grace." Romans 6:6-7, 11-14. I am dead to sin, and it no longer rules me. I am alive in Christ through His grace. To keep on sinning intentionally is to slap him the face.
So, while I may feel justified in my feelings, I am not. I don't mean to say that Christ doesn't understand my frustration or anxiety. I think he understands just fine. But I don't think I can remain there. I have to take those feelings of injustice, fear, and anxiety and leave them with Jesus. I need to be grateful for His mercy, since Everleigh is still healthy and where she should be. I have amazing friends and family taking care of me. I am very blessed.
In the end it will all be worth it. God is bigger than all my problems. He's got this one too.
On that note, a picture from my last sonogram of Everleigh. Hang in there, Baby Girl!
I don't like being a drama queen. I would much rather be back in the shadows than in the spot light, but if I'm going to be in the spotlight, I'd at least like it to be for a good reason.
My spotlight recently has been because I've been having issues with this pregnancy. As I write this, I've been home from an approximately 36 hour stay in the hospital for about four hours.
Apparently my body is rebelling against pregnancy. Sigh.
I have had 3 infections in about 6 weeks; the first was minor, treated, and all was well. I thought. The second came about two weeks later, and was not fine. I was hospitalized for that one, but was treated and sent home, all was well again. I thought.
Then at just before midnight on Tuesday, I went back up to the hospital and was admitted again. For another infection. This time it was causing abdominal irritation, which in turn was causing me to start to dilate. Fortunately I never got beyond 1 cm, so I am now home, on bed rest. I won't be traveling or leaving the house much, but if that's what it takes to keep Everleigh healthy in the womb till she's ready to be born, then I'm ok with that.
I must tell you honestly, though, that I am finding it very difficult to accept all this with grace. I have been rather frustrated and anxious for the last few days. I've been falling into a why-me-pity-party. I know it's understandable under the circumstances, but it's not the truth of the matter. I want an easy pregnancy. Badly. But apparently God has other plans in mind for me. I don't really understand it, and I don't particularly care for it, but it is what it is. God obviously has a reason for it, whether I know it or like it or not.
I can guess all day why He's letting this happen. I might be putting too much of my hope in having a healthy child. I might be putting too much faith in doctors and nurses instead of my Jesus (not that I won't or think it's wrong to consult doctors, but God is the Great Physician who gives them their knowledge). I might be falling into an "I deserve this child" mindset, which I railed against in a previous post. (See Deserving) I've probably been doing all those things. But I don't know if that's the "why" behind this pregnancy and its difficulties. It doesn't really matter why, I guess. It's just the human response when bad things happen to us.
However. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 I'm new. The human, sinful side of me is dead.
"For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin...In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14 For sin shall not be your master, because you are , 11-not under law, but under grace." Romans 6:6-7, 11-14. I am dead to sin, and it no longer rules me. I am alive in Christ through His grace. To keep on sinning intentionally is to slap him the face.
So, while I may feel justified in my feelings, I am not. I don't mean to say that Christ doesn't understand my frustration or anxiety. I think he understands just fine. But I don't think I can remain there. I have to take those feelings of injustice, fear, and anxiety and leave them with Jesus. I need to be grateful for His mercy, since Everleigh is still healthy and where she should be. I have amazing friends and family taking care of me. I am very blessed.
In the end it will all be worth it. God is bigger than all my problems. He's got this one too.
On that note, a picture from my last sonogram of Everleigh. Hang in there, Baby Girl!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Remembrance Day
I remember a lot these days because I'm carrying Everleigh. I can't help but compare and contrast my two pregnancies, to note differences in their little personalities, even in utero.
It's been just over a year since we got Caroline's diagnosis, exactly 10 months since she was born, two months till her first birthday. We've gotten through almost all our "firsts" without her.
I look at today as a way to remember the good that has come from Caroline's time here with us. I've made new friends, grown closer to old friends, drawn closer to my family and my husband, closer to God. I've learned so much about what being a mom is, how to be a better one. I've learned to appreciate things I didn't before. I've learned not to take things for granted. I learned a lot about God's grace and mercy, His love and patience, His healing and kindness.
Caroline was a blessing. I would have loved to have been able to keep her for a while, but I am so grateful for her regardless. She was, and is, such a precious gift, one I will never forget, and one that I will treasure always. The pain of her loss is lessened by time, but there will always be an ache in my heart as I wait to see her again in Heaven.
I am so grateful for Caroline. I am so grateful for all my friends and family who supported me while I was carrying her, and continue to support me beyond. I am so grateful for a God who is so amazing and so loving that He would give me Caroline, then walk me through each day with her. I am truly blessed. I am truly loved.
So today, sweet Caroline, know that I love you, I miss you, and I can't wait to see you again in Heaven. You are such a precious girl.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Name and Showers
Well, I guess I should let you all know that we decided on a name...
I love it. And now I have something concrete to call Baby Girl. :)
Then, I got this in the mail yesterday.
I have a group of friends, who happen to be slightly long distance, that have been sneaking around planning me a baby shower for a couple months now. I'm making a trip there in November to visit, and they ran with the opportunity. Somehow no one spilled the beans until they sent me this little thing to tell me about it. My hubby was even in on it and managed not to say anything. For those of you who know my hubby personally, that's a big deal. He's terrible about keeping secrets from me. He's just too honest, and if it's a good surprise like this, he is just too eager to share the fun. So he did good. Haha. I had no clue.
Looking back, I realize that this certain group of friends kinda...stopped talking to me about baby stuff. They were all so worried they would let the cat out of the bag that they didn't trust themselves to talk to me. Haha. I didn't really notice too much before they sent me the little announcement. Afterward, I looked back and realized. It's kinda funny. Cameron and I have had a couple conversations lately where I would talk about these friends and voice some opinions or questions, and he was having to think on his feet not to give the plan away. I really don't know how he did it. Haha.
I say all this basically to show how wonderful my friends (and hubby) are. They really wanted to show how much they cared about me and have spent a lot of time and energy to make it happen. I feel incredibly blessed in my friendships. I can't wait till I am there with them.
What's truly amazing is that they're not the only ones making me feel special. My local group of friends is already working on a shower for me here, too. And while I will appreciate every gift I receive, that's not why I'm so excited for these showers. I have found myself fighting tears a few times because I just feel loved. I'm sure part of it is because I didn't get to have a shower with Caroline, so having showers for this baby just seems more special. And it's more, too. People aren't just offering to throw me a shower. They're not just getting a group of people together to give me stuff for Everleigh. They're telling me I'm important to them, that they care about me, and that they're rejoicing with me in this pregnancy.
I have truly been blessed in my friendships. I know I've said that before, but it's true. I feel very humbled by the amount of care I have received at the hands of my friends. I only hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.
So...I just had to share. My heart was bursting and there's only so much Cameron can listen to. Haha. He heard all this already last night, and I didn't want to make him sit through it again. He would have, because he's awesome, but I didn't want to do that to him. Haha. Gushy girly stuff can be overwhelming for even the most wonderful man.
So thank you to all my amazing friends, near and far. You have blessed my heart enormously, and I am immensely grateful for your friendship. :)
Then, I got this in the mail yesterday.
I have a group of friends, who happen to be slightly long distance, that have been sneaking around planning me a baby shower for a couple months now. I'm making a trip there in November to visit, and they ran with the opportunity. Somehow no one spilled the beans until they sent me this little thing to tell me about it. My hubby was even in on it and managed not to say anything. For those of you who know my hubby personally, that's a big deal. He's terrible about keeping secrets from me. He's just too honest, and if it's a good surprise like this, he is just too eager to share the fun. So he did good. Haha. I had no clue.
Looking back, I realize that this certain group of friends kinda...stopped talking to me about baby stuff. They were all so worried they would let the cat out of the bag that they didn't trust themselves to talk to me. Haha. I didn't really notice too much before they sent me the little announcement. Afterward, I looked back and realized. It's kinda funny. Cameron and I have had a couple conversations lately where I would talk about these friends and voice some opinions or questions, and he was having to think on his feet not to give the plan away. I really don't know how he did it. Haha.
I say all this basically to show how wonderful my friends (and hubby) are. They really wanted to show how much they cared about me and have spent a lot of time and energy to make it happen. I feel incredibly blessed in my friendships. I can't wait till I am there with them.
What's truly amazing is that they're not the only ones making me feel special. My local group of friends is already working on a shower for me here, too. And while I will appreciate every gift I receive, that's not why I'm so excited for these showers. I have found myself fighting tears a few times because I just feel loved. I'm sure part of it is because I didn't get to have a shower with Caroline, so having showers for this baby just seems more special. And it's more, too. People aren't just offering to throw me a shower. They're not just getting a group of people together to give me stuff for Everleigh. They're telling me I'm important to them, that they care about me, and that they're rejoicing with me in this pregnancy.
I have truly been blessed in my friendships. I know I've said that before, but it's true. I feel very humbled by the amount of care I have received at the hands of my friends. I only hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.
So...I just had to share. My heart was bursting and there's only so much Cameron can listen to. Haha. He heard all this already last night, and I didn't want to make him sit through it again. He would have, because he's awesome, but I didn't want to do that to him. Haha. Gushy girly stuff can be overwhelming for even the most wonderful man.
So thank you to all my amazing friends, near and far. You have blessed my heart enormously, and I am immensely grateful for your friendship. :)
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Baby Somersaults
Today I am 22 weeks pregnant.
In two more weeks, Baby Girl's chances of surviving outside the womb are 50%. For me, since we lost Caroline at 28 weeks, this is a huge deal for me. Do you know how much my anxiety will go down once I know that this baby could very well survive, even if she comes early? Granted, I know that the longer she stays in the oven, the better her chances, and the better her overall health will be, but I'll take what I can get. Haha. I won't feel quite so panicked every time I feel a twinge or something.
Speaking of twinges...last week I had to spend a couple days in the hospital because I developed a pretty bad bladder/kidney infection (called pyelonephritis). I woke up one morning with excruciating pain on one side, and while I didn't think it was a problem with baby, it was still scary. They got me on meds and fluids and I'm fine now, but it just made me even more grateful that Baby is ok and continuing to grow and develop. She was still active the whole time I was in the hospital, which was so reassuring. I'm not sure I've taken one day of this pregnancy for granted. I'm just so grateful God's looking out for both of us.
I think if I make it past 28 weeks this time (which my doctors all believe I will), it's going to be a little crazy for me. It'll be a big milestone to pass. That will be an all new experience for me too...making it further into my third trimester and getting huge and all that. It'll be quite an adventure. Haha.
I cannot even describe to you how much I want this baby. It's a constant challenge to make sure she's not becoming TOO important to me (i.e. more important than God), but oh my word I want her. I think God understands. And I'm hoping His will is to let me keep this one. If not...well, he'll get me through it, but I pray all the time that I'll get to keep this one.
This little girl is an active little thing. I sometimes wonder if she's practicing mixed martial arts, soccer, and ballet all at the same time. Sometimes I can feel her doing little somersaults. Literally. She like flips around a couple times. Such a crazy feeling, and one I adore. I joke around with Cameron all the time that she's beating me up on the inside.
While I do sometimes want a little break from her occasionally painful jabs (especially when she hits the same spot over and over again), I cannot tell you how much I love feeling her. With Caroline, feeling her move inside me was really the only time I got with her. It was my only real connection to my first daughter. That was the only time I got to know she was alive. It was always a reminder that time was short, and someday, I would lose that little life growing inside me.
It's different with this baby. Every kick and punch and roll is a reminder that she's healthy, growing enough so that she can join us on the outside, where we can cuddle her, love on her, and treasure her. I have days where I have tears in my eyes as I feel her moving around in there, reminding me of her presence. It's helping me bond with her. It's helping me love her already. Cameron's even been able to feel her a couple times. I am so grateful for those little karate chops and roundhouse kicks.
I think we're finally getting close to picking a name. Woohoo! For some reason it's been harder to come up with one this time around. We've gone back and forth on several names for a while now, but I think we're getting close. I can't wait to be able to call this little girl by name. It makes her seem so much more real. So much more a part of our lives already. I can't wait.
So...I am rejoicing that I have made it this far, by God's grace, and I'm leaning on the Lord to keep me going even further. And I will continue to love those baby somersaults.
In two more weeks, Baby Girl's chances of surviving outside the womb are 50%. For me, since we lost Caroline at 28 weeks, this is a huge deal for me. Do you know how much my anxiety will go down once I know that this baby could very well survive, even if she comes early? Granted, I know that the longer she stays in the oven, the better her chances, and the better her overall health will be, but I'll take what I can get. Haha. I won't feel quite so panicked every time I feel a twinge or something.
Speaking of twinges...last week I had to spend a couple days in the hospital because I developed a pretty bad bladder/kidney infection (called pyelonephritis). I woke up one morning with excruciating pain on one side, and while I didn't think it was a problem with baby, it was still scary. They got me on meds and fluids and I'm fine now, but it just made me even more grateful that Baby is ok and continuing to grow and develop. She was still active the whole time I was in the hospital, which was so reassuring. I'm not sure I've taken one day of this pregnancy for granted. I'm just so grateful God's looking out for both of us.
I think if I make it past 28 weeks this time (which my doctors all believe I will), it's going to be a little crazy for me. It'll be a big milestone to pass. That will be an all new experience for me too...making it further into my third trimester and getting huge and all that. It'll be quite an adventure. Haha.
I cannot even describe to you how much I want this baby. It's a constant challenge to make sure she's not becoming TOO important to me (i.e. more important than God), but oh my word I want her. I think God understands. And I'm hoping His will is to let me keep this one. If not...well, he'll get me through it, but I pray all the time that I'll get to keep this one.
This little girl is an active little thing. I sometimes wonder if she's practicing mixed martial arts, soccer, and ballet all at the same time. Sometimes I can feel her doing little somersaults. Literally. She like flips around a couple times. Such a crazy feeling, and one I adore. I joke around with Cameron all the time that she's beating me up on the inside.
While I do sometimes want a little break from her occasionally painful jabs (especially when she hits the same spot over and over again), I cannot tell you how much I love feeling her. With Caroline, feeling her move inside me was really the only time I got with her. It was my only real connection to my first daughter. That was the only time I got to know she was alive. It was always a reminder that time was short, and someday, I would lose that little life growing inside me.
It's different with this baby. Every kick and punch and roll is a reminder that she's healthy, growing enough so that she can join us on the outside, where we can cuddle her, love on her, and treasure her. I have days where I have tears in my eyes as I feel her moving around in there, reminding me of her presence. It's helping me bond with her. It's helping me love her already. Cameron's even been able to feel her a couple times. I am so grateful for those little karate chops and roundhouse kicks.
I think we're finally getting close to picking a name. Woohoo! For some reason it's been harder to come up with one this time around. We've gone back and forth on several names for a while now, but I think we're getting close. I can't wait to be able to call this little girl by name. It makes her seem so much more real. So much more a part of our lives already. I can't wait.
So...I am rejoicing that I have made it this far, by God's grace, and I'm leaning on the Lord to keep me going even further. And I will continue to love those baby somersaults.
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